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am I missing something here?

(42 Posts)
Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 00:05:51

OH & I have been a bit rocky recently, lots of it brought on (in my opinion) by his quite severe depression (for which he takes mood stabilisers & sees psychotherapist weekly.) His depression had been caused by his unloving parents / unpleasant childhood.

I am suffering from mild depression too, I'm on ADs. Mine is mostly the stress if having a depressed, bad tempered partner, feeling isolated, unloved, shut out, rejected etc.

Anyway, last night, I was really down, OH was running on his treadmill (in the house).

I was 'told off' a couple of weeks ago because when I went in a few timed (separate runs) to check when he'd be finished so I knew what time to prepare tea for, he said I was rushing him & making him feel like he had to stop early. I wasn't!

So last night, he was probably 20 mins from the end of his run, had been running since he came in from work, I got in with DS, thought the dog could do with a quick 10 min ball chase. So I told DS (who is a sensible 9 yr old) that I was taking dog out, and that if he needed anything urgent (illness etc.) his dad was downstairs, but not to disturb him otherwise. He was happy with this, playing on his Xbox.

Tonight, OH says "i was shocked what happened with DS last night" - I had no idea what he was talking about. He said that he didn't know he was the responsible adult (& basically implied I was a bad / irresponsible mother)

was I in the wrong?

it seems I usually am at the moment...

muppetmommeh Thu 23-May-13 14:52:18

Do you think that a person in as bad a state as he is can realise how awful he's being? Or does that only dawn on you later?

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 14:53:13

so do we Eldritch. I'm worried it's increasingly unlikely...

then, what to do next? I mean.... I can't comprehend what it might mean....sad

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 14:55:20

I think he's completely convinced he's not as bad as we make out.

I've lived with this for 5 years, and it's getting worse, not better, despite meds & therapy.

muppetmommeh Thu 23-May-13 15:02:44

He wouldn't go to Relate would he? I feel you need arbitration (and preferably someone 'official' to give him a long, hard shake)

Does anybody have any other suggestions to try before seeing a solicitor?

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 15:05:44

no, I have a feeling (refer to my text earlier) that he thinks it's 'not going to happen' re Relate.

EldritchCleavage Thu 23-May-13 15:06:33

Well, I'm only an exert on my own depression no one else's, but even at the point of suicide I wasn't nasty to people. Preoccupied, paranoid, defensive, self-absorbed, tearful, mentally absent, certainly. But I was in hospital with people who were horrible. I suppose it manifests differently in different people, which brings us back to underlying personality.

But my therapist was very very tough on the notion that I was helpless in the face of the illness. 'Can't help it' etc got short shrift from her. She would never talk about a 'relapse'-it was always a 'lapse'. And that rubbed off on me. Your DH is not powerless to stop himself being unkind to you.

Hate to say it OP, but this sounds like depression used as a weapon. And possibly bad therapy, if after 5 years things are deteriorating rather than improving.

Know your limits. Take care of yourself and DS. Never internalise what he says to you (because he's either ill or a shit or both, so his attacks aren't valid). Don't take on more than 50% of responsibility for the relationship, and none for his wellbeing: that's his burden to carry. Your DS needs you well. If your DH is an obstacle to that, you may have to get him to leave.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 15:08:57

My mum had depression, I realise when you are depressed, it takes a huge amount of effort to feel emotionally connected to those around you, because every waking hour is a struggle to cope and function.

As an adult she had the power to voice all of her anger and frustration, none of that stiff-upper-lip-suffer-in-silence malarkey. If she was in a mood we all knew about it.

If your H doesn't realise he is risking driving you away, he won't curb the impulse to lash out. If he does realise, he may not be able to help himself either, but I'd hope he'd go back to his GP.

muppetmommeh Thu 23-May-13 15:36:52

Eldritch talks a lot of sense. I hadn't thought about it that way before. I wasn't nasty either (I was busy enough being all the other things!)
We know who was (still is) nasty though.

I have wondered before if his therapist is actually not very good - or maybe just not very good for HIM...

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 16:12:21

difficult though - surely the therapist would remind us this is a 2 year long process, he's only been having psychotherapy for less than a year. At what point would she or someone say to him 'actually, this isn't working'. I can't even find out how he could get a 'progress report'

DaemonPantalaemon Thu 23-May-13 16:46:20

Would it be possible for you to live apart while he deals with his depression? It might make you healthier to live out of the shadow of his misery for a while. Can you afford to live on your own with your son? I am not saying leave the bastard, just that this sounds like an unbearable situation, and you could use a break from it. And how lovely that you have such a supportive Sister in Law in muppetsmile

To be honest trying out something like couple's counselling in this situation would be ill-advised. It is likely that through the process, your DH will get access to information and will manipulate the situation to justify his position .... that he is the victim, that you are at fault.

I'm afraid the best tactic is to detach yourselves from him. And as Eldritch rightly points out take only 50% of the responsibility for the relationships and none for his wellbeing. You need your energy for your own well being. And that of your DS. And for the relationships for the people who care about you.

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 18:18:15

I very much appreciate you all taking the time to comment, it's been extremely helpful, I've got a lot if thinking to do.

thanks and flowers to you all x

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 22:42:15

well, we've had a 'discussion' tonight, it ended up on a less than amicable note, and I suggested he sleeps in the spare bed until we decide what to do.

shit.

Well It can't carry on like it is, so maybe him in the spare room will give you the space you need to decide what you are going to do. Do you really want your child growing up with this on a daily basis, it will damage him/her as it has done to your Dh. You can't fix him, and it isn't your job to do so, your job is you and your child.

Elocampane Thu 23-May-13 23:58:09

I just want to be married to & live to old age with the man I married. I fear he no longer exists

Well sadly we can't always have what we want. He has made sure that the man you wanted is no longer there. Maybe a good man is out there waiting in the wings, maybe one day you will meet and marry the one, until them your child and your sanity is more important.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 24-May-13 12:12:22

Maybe he doesn't exist anymore Elo sad

The past and a hoped-for future are so powerful - but you can only act in the now, and go on how he is treating you right now.

You have every right to happiness and to be respected, supported.

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