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Plain lonely

(43 Posts)
onemoredayplease Wed 22-May-13 22:52:18

That's it really. Am lonely. We don't sleep together, can't remember the last time we had sex, very little affection usually only when I initiate. Don't really do anything together, don't even usually eat a meal together. Am lonely, tired and sad. I have a 10 year old living with us. I work full time in an emotionally demanding job could just do with some support which is freely given. hmm

Ilikethebreeze Mon 27-May-13 21:20:35

Are you married?

springymater Mon 27-May-13 09:56:15

Well done onemore. YOu're sounding really positive. Well done for grasping the nettle. Wishing you the very best in your future.

onemoredayplease Sun 26-May-13 20:09:16

Thanks both. Am in a good place at the minute. A trip home always helps me. Bit by bit things are working through. I now know I won't leave my job or the county where I live. That's two out of the 3 decisions I was wrestling with made and I feel content with those decisions. They are mine. Made calmly and rationally. The last is the biggest but I will get there. I now know its not me being unrealistic. This isn't normal. Even that helps. Thanks all. smile

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 26-May-13 18:58:45

Op, good on you. I get the bit about third marriage, I have just divorced my second husband and have just posted about loneliness and fear that I won't meet anyone...I read your thread and just think wow, get you, excellent. You can't settle for that, it's stifling and suffocating. Best wishes

StrangeGlue Sun 26-May-13 18:46:38

You can find a counsellor at the link below. Most do evenings, you could go after she goes to bed?

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

onemoredayplease Sun 26-May-13 18:29:51

Been away for a couple of days with daughter. Think I know the outcome of this. It's not a normal relationship. I had been toying with the idea of relocating nearer to my family. I now know that's not what I want so that's one question answered. No matter what happens daughter and I will be in this county. Just making this decision helps. It breaks it down. It's not such a huge challenge now if I leave. I say if but I think I mean when. Taking daughter out for a drink in the sunshine now, he doesn't want to join us despite not seeing us for 48 hours. Says it all really. No mad passion here confused

springymater Sat 25-May-13 09:28:10

YOu are far from unrealistic. I don't know what's going on either, but it is daily rejection, very very painful.

You can't carry on like this, it's unbearable. Do research getting to counselling during work time. In fact, can you get some counselling through work?

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 22:15:49

Not sure. It's a possibility. Work are hugely supportive of me. My line manager is aware I have issues at home. It's all just so odd. Surely a partnership should be just that or am I unrealistic? I don't expect a lot. I am independent but I find this so weird. I just noticed he's marked on the calendar when he's off out with his son. No invite for us. Not even mentioned just put on the calendar.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 21:52:18

that sounds like hell. Well, the whole thing sounds like hell. Can you get time off work to go to counselling? I really think you need it to work through this with someone. It sounds so painful sad

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 21:42:02

I'm not happy that I have to justify myself but I'm afraid I do when it comes to childcare. Just another sign that its an odd relationship. I would expect a partner to do this willingly and to offer when he can see I need time out but that just doesn't happen.

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 21:39:35

No she isn't his daughter and they don't really get on. As I say we pretty much lead lives independent of each other so to ask him to babysit I would have to give a reason. It's just how it is. As I work full time I am really restricted.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 17:43:59

Hang on - you're married, right? So the kids are both your kids, surely. ok he may not have adopted your daughter, but she's one of the children in your marriage.

I'm not quite getting how you have to justify with him time away from her. How about you'd like some time to yourself? You don't have to justify that.

She's 10 isn't she? What about going to a counsellor when she's at school.

(I'm finding it really hard to get my head around this tbh)

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 17:31:36

No she's not his child.

mummytolucas411 Fri 24-May-13 16:48:42

I don't think she's his child.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 16:16:56

its not babysitting though, is it, when she's his own child?

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 14:19:56

It's not the money. We have seperate accounts. I would have to explain why I need him to babysit. It's that simple. He won't volunteer to have her and will need a reason confused

springymater Fri 24-May-13 12:44:55

YOu don't have to explain why you want counselling, unless the money is joint and you have to run it by him before you commit? Does he have any hobbies/expenses that come out of the joint purse - if so, this is your hobby/expense. You absolutely don't have to justify or explain why you want counselling. That's like justifying why you want to go for eg a swim - you just want to.

triathlonmum Fri 24-May-13 12:31:41

Thanks Springy, been looking at some counsellors from that site - promising.

Onemore - would a friend have your daughter while you went to counselling?

onemoredayplease Fri 24-May-13 07:26:27

Problem for me is childcare. I am reliant on him for this. It's the one point where he has control. I know he doesn't like me to ask and she really doesn't like being left with him ( to be fair she hates being left at all). This would make it difficult to go for counselling without him knowing. Don't feel I could explain why I want to see a counsellor.

springymater Fri 24-May-13 01:05:49

YOu can get cheap counselling. Either find a therapist through BACP and ask for a reduced rate (the answer's yes or no, they won't be offended to be asked) or through women's orgs.

It's an investment, not an added extra. it's worth paying for.

triathlonmum Thu 23-May-13 22:52:59

Some helpful views here. I've thought about counselling on my own too - but it is a big (time and money) investment....how to find a 'good' counsellor?? I've only told two very close friends how difficult my marriage is so don't exactly want to start asking around! Onemore - the idea of separating is terrifying to me, I completely identify with what you're saying - it's not awful but it really isn't a marriage/relationship. I also feel like a single parent much of the time and have thought at least if we separate he'd have to take some parental responsibility!!!

Maypole your post was interesting, maybe I'm just not yet at the point where I can make the leap. I'm just past 40 and as you say aware time is flashing past. Ho hum.

onemoredayplease Thu 23-May-13 19:11:01

I do hear what you are all saying but I really think he is oblivious to what's going on. In his world he is content and this is normal. I do worry about daughter. Realistically I don't think I treat her as a partner. We have a very loving relationship and do a lot together. As I say he is asked but normally says no. Tonight as normal daughter and I will eat. He is off out and will cook his own later. I might as well be a single parent.

springymater Thu 23-May-13 11:40:50

Get some counselling yourself. Perhaps later down the line you may be able to make it a condition of your continuing relationship that he comes too ie you start separate couples counselling.

I should imagine two husbands cheating on you has had an awful impact on you (you poor thing sad ). Perhaps you don't find it easy to trust? It won't be healthy for her if your 10yo daughter is 'like a partner' to you (I'm sure she isn't entirely but you seem unsure whether she is like a partner or not..) - please be aware that this is a very damaging dynamic for her if so. She is also living in the soup that is a miserable marriage - don't be fooled that she isn't imbibing it on some level.

he obviously has his own gripes and you both appear to be very unhappy and you've both said you are lonely. He can't be saying to you that you're 'stuck with him for life' - I'm sorry, he doesn't have the right to dictate that to you. I'm not sure what he means by that - does he mean that he isn't going anywhere and won't give up on the marriage, that it is a lifelong commitment for him? But his actions say otherwise ie his body is there but he is leading a pointedly separate life. Perhaps he is doing that in protest that your daughter takes his place? It's not a healthy way to go about things, if so. He may be punishing you... or he may be desperate... it's impossible to tell what's really going on with him unless - and until - he comes clean.

YOu both sound desperate. Get to counselling - just you. And see where it leads. I hope you can make a way through this for all your sakes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 23-May-13 09:03:24

"Perhaps I'm too independent and he doesn't feel needed??"

Why are you blaming yourself? Why blame the relationship with your daughter? Why keep initiating affection only to have it thrown back in your face, rejected?

A loving relationship is a two-man job. Currently yours seems to be very one-sided and that's quite wrong. If he's lonely and you're lonely, why persist in making two people unhappy? Dead horse... flog....

I think he is quite happy as he is and has no wish to change what little he has. He does not care about you or your DD and he knows too that you don't want to leave currently.

Better off to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. You should not feel obligated to stay. He is not doing anything to improve things, infact I do not think he wants to. He is supposed to be your H but he certainly is not acting like one.

Your DD does not like him and you're both showing her a poor relationship role model. By staying you are showing her that your own feelings are unimportant and that trying to address problems is met with silent treatment from him. Is this really what you would want her to repeat in her own relationships, you're showing her that this to you is currently acceptable. Do not make this model a template of her own future relationships.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

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