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ExP taking DC on holiday to Spain with new Gf - wwyd?

(86 Posts)
OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 22-May-13 21:19:10

Hello MNers,
I am posting on behalf of a RL friend so be frank but polite please:

Ex is planning to take the Primary age DC away in summer to Spain for a week, which I am very happy about, as they will have fun. My problem is that his girlfriend of 2 years is going. I have asked to meet her for the last two years. I have sent her message/ e mail, I have always been polite. She refuses to meet me. As a result of this I have refused to hand over the passports until I meet her. Am I doing the right thing?

TIA

ChippingInLovesSpring Wed 22-May-13 22:22:48

Olivia - whilst I understand that she wants to meet her (& that you would too), she really can't insist... her Ex is taking them away and unless there are some very good reasons he shouldn't be trusted with them (& if that's the case she needs to deal with that), then she has to trust his judgement with regard to who else is there. It is irrelevant that the gf is going tbh.

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:23:04

If I had a boyfriend for two years and my ex insinuated that he couldn't be trusted around my daughter, I would feel even more contempt for my ex than I currently do.

TobyLerone Wed 22-May-13 22:24:47

My contact agreement states that ds' passport stays in my house.

Hmmm. My XH insisted upon this, too. Such an odd thing to be controlling about, but if it makes him feel special when I have to ask him for it, who am I to deny him that pleasure?

maleview70 Wed 22-May-13 22:24:47

Surely you have to trust your ex partner to make decisions on who is involved in your child's life.

Very controlling behaviour to me what your friend is asking.

What would a 15 minute meeting really tell someone anyway?

None of her business if you ask me.

Booyhoo Wed 22-May-13 22:25:44

am i the only one wondering why we had to be warned to be polite? confused

TobyLerone Wed 22-May-13 22:27:26

Clearly we cannot be trusted.

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:27:31

Because its obviously unreasonable!

Booyhoo Wed 22-May-13 22:29:43

is olivia's friend someone more special than the rest of us who must be protected from impolite remarks?

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 22-May-13 22:29:44

Booyhoo

am i the only one wondering why we had to be warned to be polite? confused

'Cos I am going to email my (inexplicably non MNing) friend a link to this thread and she is effectively a newbie...smile

Booyhoo Wed 22-May-13 22:33:24

she is an adult though Olivia, right?

or are we to treat all newbies with kid gloves?

PurpleThing Wed 22-May-13 22:33:37

Toby, my ex is abusive and has threatened to abduct ds. I have good reason to keep hold of it. Not the same as the OP I'm sure but it shows dc passports can be kept by one parent only, unlike someone suggested upthread.

I'm not sure her non-MN-ing will change, given that the general consensus is that SIBVU!

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:35:12

I don't think anyone has been rude. Or nasty. Bit she needs to know as this kind of behaviour is potentially opening up a world of hurt for her, including her children resenting her and her ex being furious.

Sadly, people don't always do the right or kind thing but you have to let it go, unless you are prepared to argue yo don't trust their dad to keep hem safe on holiday.

Feelslikea1sttimer Wed 22-May-13 22:36:56

I have just been to court this week to get a court order to order the passport office to cancel and issue new passports, which have cost me £200 for the court order, and £46 each for 2 children's passports because my ex was withholding them because he has had contact stopped (again by the courts) my children have turned round and said they will never forgive their dad for trying to stop their holiday and upsetting me (they overheard me being a little hysterical on the phone!)

The courts will do what is right by the children and not the parents so I would suggest handing them over is the best option as the children will have a lovely time and if you trust the other parent then you should trust their judgement on who they spend time with.

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 22-May-13 22:40:25

TravelinColour

I'm not sure her non-MN-ing will change, given that the general consensus is that SIBVU!

grin
Well this isn't AIBU though, is it?!

In answer to the other question regarding treating newbies with kid gloves, , she is an adult yes but we ask everyone in our Talk Guidelines "We'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face. Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support."

Hope this clears that one up.

PurpleThing Wed 22-May-13 22:41:30

And if she does meet her? And her instincts told her No? What then? Would she want her ex to have the right to veto her partner?

It is very hard but you have to let go a little.

Booyhoo Wed 22-May-13 22:48:50

"she is an adult yes but we ask everyone in our Talk Guidelines "We'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face. Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.""

well yes, that's kind of my point. why did you feel the need to give extra warning that we should be polite? everyone knows the talk guidelines. i'm not sure why it needed to be re-inforced just because it was your friend or a newbie? we're all adults and quite capable of deciding for ourselves how to respond to any particular post. if someone is rude then yes, by all means remind them of the rules but it seems a bit 'teacher has spoken' when you put it in the OP.

My DP has a 4yo DD. I have known DD for two years, have known DP for 2.5 years and we live together. I have never met the child's mother and have no plans to do so. We live over 250 miles away from her and the child's home. The child spends 50% of school holidays at our home and this summer that means she will spend two weeks being cared for by me while DP is at work as we have no alternative due to the court order.

His ex might not like it, but at least she accepts that she has no choice. Although it is not part of the court order, DP does let her know if we are away from home with their DD. She also speaks to her mum on the phone almost every night.

If I was the father in the situation given, I would take this to court and would be certain to win. DP's ex was told in no uncertain terms that she could not control who the child was in contact with when in DP's care. After all, they both have parental responsibility and the same applies to him!

Geeklover Wed 22-May-13 22:49:36

I can totally understand her gut reaction of wanting to meet the gf but I also don't think she has a right to.
For me I would stop myself (although my ex is married to someone else now) because it would be leaving me open to demands from my ex with regard to who the dc spend time with when in my care. He can barely contain himself as it is if he hears someone in the background when he phones the dc never mind if I'd pit myself in the position of making those demands so giving him the same rights back.
If there are no issues with the father caring for the dc on holiday I'm afraid she's just got to hand over the passports and deal with it.

scripsi Wed 22-May-13 22:51:04

I agree that she may not like it (and it is difficult) but she can't really do much to force a meeting. In any event a forced meeting may not be a very constructive or positive atmosphere! If she hates the girlfriend on sight she can't do much in any event.
Also this is absolutely not a new relationship. In the OP you say that they have been together for two years. In that time hasn't the girlfriend been around the children? If she has, have the children given any reason to doubt that she should be around them?

ivykaty44 Wed 22-May-13 23:03:29

Th ex is honest - for that your dear friend should be grateful, as a lot of men would have just not told her that the girl friend was going and tbh I bet now that this mum is withholding the passports the ex wishes to goodness he had lied

Yes the dc may have well let the cat out of the bag after the holiday, but it would have been to late then.

She should thank her lucky stars she has an honest ex, many many ex's tell big fat whopping lies all the time, he may tell fibs but this he has been honest about but is unlikely to be honest in the furture if she carrys on with this in this way.

My ex told me that I couldn't take my dd's away on holiday with my boyfriend before he had met him, I kindly explained to him in a very snide voice that as my boyfriend was crb checked he didn't need to meet him and if we were going to start meeting people that spent time with our dc I would need a list each and every week of the people he was going to be near with our dc - he fucked off and never said anything quite so stupid again grin And he was only trying to play the controlling card as he wanted to be nosey and make my bf feel small by inspecting him and giving him the once over

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 22-May-13 23:07:25

It is an interesting question, Purple, would the friend then check hotel availability and book her own holiday to Spain, just to keep an eye out for the dc?

As hard as it must be, Olivia, imho, your friend should just box up her emotional turmoil over this and incinerate it...then give the dc new cameras with mahoosive memory cards so they can photograph/record every aspect of their fabulous adventure. Anything inappropriate may "accidentally" be put on record wink.

Spero Wed 22-May-13 23:08:54

Good point about him being honest - my ex spent a weekend with our then 4 year old and his girlfriend of just three months, only six months after we separated. He didn't even tell me he was in a relationship.

I was angry, not because I wanted to vet her but because my daughter came back talking about 'daddy's friend who stayed the night' and it would have helped to have prior warning as daughter was confused and I didn't know what was going on.

Lweji Thu 23-May-13 07:01:30

So, Bogey, you wouldn't allow your mother or exMIL to have the children for a while?

Who says this woman tries to be the children's mother?
She's not.
She'll just be a person who may be in charge of the children for some periods (say exH is in the shower, or goes out).

confused

Other women will be in exH's lives as other men may be in ours (female pps smile ). We don't have to scrutinise them.

Lweji Thu 23-May-13 07:12:35

I'd suggest that people with such control issues go on the holiday themselves, armed with binoculars and some hidden microphones.

If the holiday is such an issue, then maybe this friend should withhold contact, as she is so worried about some other woman being alone with the children, because it's likely that she has already been.
What if the father hires a nanny to watch over the children for a few hours?
What if he books them to a class?
Do they need to be vetted too?

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