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ExP taking DC on holiday to Spain with new Gf - wwyd?

(86 Posts)
OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 22-May-13 21:19:10

Hello MNers,
I am posting on behalf of a RL friend so be frank but polite please:

Ex is planning to take the Primary age DC away in summer to Spain for a week, which I am very happy about, as they will have fun. My problem is that his girlfriend of 2 years is going. I have asked to meet her for the last two years. I have sent her message/ e mail, I have always been polite. She refuses to meet me. As a result of this I have refused to hand over the passports until I meet her. Am I doing the right thing?

TIA

Corygal Wed 22-May-13 22:01:03

Can't your mate fb, LinkedIn and google her? Ring her? I would panic after that.

IroningBoredDaily Wed 22-May-13 22:01:54

I don't think I would easily cope with my children going abroad without me, so I would definitely need to know everything about the trip, especially who they were travelling with.

I can be a little overprotective and controlling

Lweji Portugal Wed 22-May-13 22:02:08

This was meant for Olivia's friend, of course.

My ExH has always let me meet girlfriends before they do big things with the kids. I find it odd that she hasn't agreed to meet her.

Not sure she can say no really but I understand why she has refused passports. She's hoping to finally force her hand and I guess her suspicion must be growing on the gf avoidance and if she has something to hide.

I could do with a bit more info. Does her ExH and gf live together and do the children see her often? What do the kids say about her?

meemar Wed 22-May-13 22:02:58

And I say this as someone who was initially galled at my exh's inappropriate choice of gf.

I had to accept that as long as she wasn't causing harm to them, then it was his life and she was part of it.

MooseBeTimeForSpring Wed 22-May-13 22:03:46

Presumably the children have met the gf already during overnight contact? She should let the children go and hand over the passports. As other posters have said, the last thing your friend needs is a Court Order telling her to hand over the passports and pay the costs of the wasted holiday.

Bogeyface Netherlands Wed 22-May-13 22:04:59

Morally she is doing the right thing. Legally not.

However, is her ex in possession of many thousands of £££££ to fight it in court?

If I was her I would send a non emotional email along the lines of...

"I am sure that you would want to make sure that anyone who was in our childrens lives was someone you could trust with them.. I am sure that you understand that I would like to meet the woman who will be partly responsible for our children while they are away. I look forward to meeting X, and I know that the children will enjoy their holiday"

This means he has to be a shit to say "no I dont understand/I wouldnt care who is in my childrens lives" which it is doubtful he will do. And the "I look forward to meeting X" says that she expects it to happen and is non negotiable.

PS My exes new GF cut my teenage DD's hair and yet refuses to meet me............I had to be held back!

Really difficult, but if the ex has PR then withholding passports is petty.
I have not met my XH's new girlfriend, and I did get rather furious when DS stayed the night at her house without me knowing in advance.

However, hard as it is, I think she has to let this go.

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 22-May-13 22:08:39

Yikes at haircutting
This is all brilliant - and Like your email idea bogeyface

Thanks again

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:09:40

He doesn't need thousands, he can represent himself. It's a no brainer, she will look very foolish indeed. Se doesn't have the moral high ground here. She is prepared to prevent her children having a lovely holiday with their dad.

I do understand her worries. But she cannot hold on to the passports.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Wed 22-May-13 22:10:15

What's the purpose of meeting her? what can really be learnt in a brief meeting anyway.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Wed 22-May-13 22:10:44

What's the purpose of meeting her? what can really be learnt in a brief meeting anyway.

Lweji Portugal Wed 22-May-13 22:11:05

What if ex went on holiday with a mate instead of a gf?

Would Olivia's friend be this worried?

Thinks not...

MissAnnersley Wed 22-May-13 22:11:29

I think the email would be very easy to ignore. If my ex sent me an email like that I would think he had lost his mind.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 22-May-13 22:11:32

The DC's parent is taking them on holiday. His GF is going too, but she is not taking them anywhere. While it would be lovely if all the adults knew eachother, it is not necessary and sometimes it is best to just leave it.

Has your friend spoken to her Ex or his GF about it? What reasons have they given for the refusal to meet?

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:12:27

Exactly. Is she going to undertake a risk assessment on the spot? Ask about her criminal record? This is about the need to feel in control, I am not criticising her for feeling as she does, god knows I have been there, but she needs to act like an adult.

Bogeyface Netherlands Wed 22-May-13 22:14:04

Spero yes he can, but probably not in time for the holiday.

I think that non emotional and "I know we both want the best for our children" is the best way to go.

Lweji no she wouldnt but then the friend wouldnt be a potential "other mother" to her children. I am not generally jealous, but keep away from my kids! I am a lioness when it comes to them, I am their mother and I do get irrationally angry at anyone who tries to act like they are.

JumpingJackSprat Wed 22-May-13 22:14:47

Your mate has met the person taking her babies a plane ride away... shes even had children with him. was she this controlling when they were together?

Ledkr Spain Wed 22-May-13 22:14:55

If be concerned that her refusal to meet you shows some resentment on some level which I'd be afraid might extend to my child.
I understandably hate my exh ow but when they had children I swallowed my pride and now communicate as she has my dc siblings.

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:16:31

I am a family lawyer. If she was my client, I would be telling her very clearly just how unreasonable she was being. This is the children's holiday with their father. She has absolutely no legal or moral right to behave in this way, absent any genuine concerns about the girlfriend.

Bogeyface Netherlands Wed 22-May-13 22:19:00

Why so nasty? This woman is entrusting her children in part to a person she has never met!

If my mother wanted to take my children away with her best workmate (who I have never met) then I would want to meet her first. Mum would understand that.

Are you really saying that there will be no point in the holiday where the GF will be alone with the kids? Even if they are at the beach and the Ex goes for ice creams, she will be in loco parentis at that point. I would need to feel I could trust her, and meeting her would go a long way to that, because first instincts are rarely wrong.

Why wont she meet the "OP"? the fact that she is refusing to give the mother of her partners children a little bit of reassurance is not good imo. Screams "issues" to me. I dont think that the OP would have this problem if it werent for the fact that the GF is ignoring her and refusing to have any contact at all.

Spero Wed 22-May-13 22:20:11

Mothers don't own children.

I suspect the girlfriend is terrified of meeting her as she comes across as unreasonable and very controlling.

Booyhoo Wed 22-May-13 22:20:16

i think if you trust your EX to look after his dcs for a week away then you really should trust him to decide who is safe/appropriate to be around his dcs.

i certainly wouldn't agree to my EX meeting a partner (of two years!) just to allow me to go on holidays. i am trusted enough by him to care for our dcs 90% of the time- i expect the same trust when it comes to choosing who else i bring into their lives.

so YABU to withold passports. i very much doubt this is out of any concern for the dcs wellbeing but more about control and having your nose put out of joint that she isn't bowing to your command to meet with you. she's under no obligation to meet you at all. she has already been OK'd by the children's other parent. or is your verdict more important than his?

MissAnnersley Wed 22-May-13 22:21:26

It's not nasty. It's about respecting the other parent's decisions and accepting that you cannot manage your DC's lives when they are at their dad's.

PurpleThing Wed 22-May-13 22:21:45

My contact agreement states that ds' passport stays in my house. But that doesn't mean I hold it hostage. I can understand the temptation but where is it going to get her? Just upset everyone including possibly the dc. And make tthings MORE difficult in the future.

Agree that if she trusts ex to let them go. Would she insist on meeting if it was a friend going? It is a new partner not a new parent, ex should be in charge.

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