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I just don't feel DH loves me

(26 Posts)
toffeecrispandacupoftea Wed 22-May-13 07:46:15

DH and I have what I guess is an ok relationship in many respects. We do things together (sometimes), he says he love me now and again. He makes the occasional cup of tea or does the occasional baby feed. We have sex and cuddles outside of that (although I do initiate more).

The problem is I just don't feel he actually loves me.

The key things are that when we talk he rarely looks in my eyes. This is so important to me. I have told him this and I don't understand why he wouldn't make the effort to do it if he did care about me. He also never seems to give me his full attention. So when we are talking he is often; flicking through a magazine, playing with the dog, checking his phone etc. Also, if we are standing, his body if often at 90 degrees to me, like is is trying to escape!

Am I being over sensitive? Does this kind of stuff matter to other people? Is this just normal male behaviour?

I have tried to discuss it but I would have thought if you were interested in someone and cared about them you would do these things anyway? Maybe I shouldn't rely on him to make me feel happy? Perhaps if I was happier in myself rather than looking for reassurance from him these things would just happen?

We do also have a month old baby so I am feeling like I need some reassurance at the moment but these things were there before hand.

Feel like we are just drifting along together rather than actually happy. Kind of like "playing happy families".

So so tired which probably isn't helping. Baby is actually sleeping really well but I am unhappy and worried about whether DH and I have a future so not sleeping very well.

isitsnowingyet Wed 22-May-13 07:56:39

With a one month old baby, I think you need to give it some time. My other half does a lot of what you describe, but then we have been together for 15 years confused if that makes a difference?

Congratulations on the birth of your childflowers Maybe you could arrange for a babysitter for an evening when you feel happy to leave him/her and then have a proper evening out with your DH.

HabbaDabba Wed 22-May-13 08:02:46

DP and I will chat while around the kitchen table. Invariably one of us will be surfing on the phone while the other will be flicking through a magazine. It's no big deal. We aren't starry eyed teenagers anymore smile

Obviously it would be different if we were having a serious discussion as opposed to a chat.

Lweji Wed 22-May-13 08:03:02

I believe most men talk more easily about important stuff as you describe your OH.
Whilst doing something not important, such as flicking aimlessly a magazine.
And looking elsewhere.

Remember how shrink couches are placed?

If you still manage to have the important conversations with him, just leave it.
Does he show he loves you in other ways?

Does he do his share?
Does he take your feelings into consideration?

toffeecrispandacupoftea Wed 22-May-13 08:23:27

Maybe I need to place less importance on this.

I suppose I just feel if you love someone you do things that you know are important to them.

I find it hard though that he does give other people his full attention. Friends, colleagues, total strangers!

I also get hurt that when ever we are planning a weekend, if I ask what he would like to do they are always solo activities (watch grand prix, drive car, read the papers etc). Never really suggests anything together. Again, maybe this shouldn't matter?

He also very rairly compliments me any more but does say if there is something he doesn't like (hair/clothes etc). Again maybe this is more my issue? maybe I shouldn't need him to make me feel confident? He has made it clear he misses the bigger boobs when I was pregant and would be supportive if I wanted implants. But then again, I bought it up. Maybe I just need to be more confident in myself.

God i feel useless and insecure!!

stowsettler Wed 22-May-13 08:35:25

Has his behaviour changed or has he always been like this? Maybe he's struggling to see you in the same light since (presumably) watching you give birth. I know the whole experience was emotionally far more traumatic for my DP than it was for me. And of course you're not just 'his' any more, you're a mother to someone now. Some men do take time to adjust. But I wouldn't worry too much, I expect he'll get there in the end xx

toffeecrispandacupoftea Wed 22-May-13 08:39:51

Was like this before (although not in the first few years).

I think perhaps I am more sensitive to it at the moment though.

Just want to feel loved/secure.

Don't really know what I can do except get this support/love from friends and family instead?

Yearofme Wed 22-May-13 08:41:09

You've got a one month old baby, and he misses your pregnancy boobs and would be supportive of a boob job? I'm I the only one who finds this odd and incredibly disrespectful? Your baby is ONE MONTH OLD!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 08:44:06

I wondered the same as stowsettler. Has anything changed? Was he like this before you got married? I think one big danger of the long-term relationship is that people get comfortable, take each other for granted and think they don't have to make much of an effort any more. You're a 'done deal' a 'sure thing'... so why bother with compliments or suggesting doing something at the weekend together?

You're emphatically not useless and insecure but you definitely need to speak up and be far less accommodating. I worry that he sees you as some domestic appliance that sits home looking after a baby or doing chores and which can be grafted with bigger boobs to suit his tastes hmm .... You are the most important person in your life, you're supposed to be a very important person in his life and deserve to be treated as such.

Make some noise....

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 08:45:00

@Yearofme... I agree with you

stowsettler Wed 22-May-13 09:00:52

Well if you're anything like me at one month post-birth, then yes you're definitely a bit over-sensitive (only two months ago so I remember it well), but that doesn't mean your feelings are not valid. I think you should tell him that you feel this way, and more of how you feel.

If I'm honest I'm often the one in our relationship who appears to detatch emotionally, and DP has sometimes brought this up with me. I don't do it consciously and I don't love DP any less, it's just something that I do.

I agree up to a point with Yearofe and Cogito regarding the boobs issue - totally inappropriate on the face of it. However I'm assuming (hoping) that it was a conversation you started, and he was just being honest? Not sure about supporting you through a boob job though - did you ask him if he'd like you to have one or did he just say that? Again, it's all about context.

toffeecrispandacupoftea Wed 22-May-13 09:28:45

To be fair, I bought up the boob issue. I suppose when I said if he missed them that much I could consider a boob job he would say something like "no, don't be silly, I love you as you are, I wouldn't want you to risk your health for something so superficial" or similar!

I have said how I feel but maybe not in the right way. I know insecurity is not attractive. I just find body language so important and really need eye contact/cuddles etc to feel loved. But then again, maybe he is trying to show he loves me in other ways and I am jsut missing it.

Perhaps I was more confident/assertive when we first met and now we are married he just doesn't feel he needs to try. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who feels they no longer have to try!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 09:36:16

It's not insecure to want someone to look at you when they are talking, pay attention and give you a cuddle now and again. Please stop thinking you're weird or needy or something. You're really not. As for 'showing love in other ways'.... bollocks to that smile..... if you want a hug and need a hug he should damn well give you a hug.

And you last line is what you have to tell him quite straight and to the point. You definitely don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn't feel they have to try. That's the challenge you set before him. Paf!!

toffeecrispandacupoftea Wed 22-May-13 09:48:48

Any ideas on how to actually achieve this? I have said it is important to me and that I need cuddles and eye contact to feel loved but he doesn't do it?

So what do I do? He's not a bad person, we have a baby together. He's not cruel or abusive or anything. I'd just like to feel that he cares enough to show me he loves me in ways that matter to me?

If I am a done deal why should he bother I suppose but I don't want to be stuck with that.

I would also like to feel he loves me for me as I am. I mean he married me with the boobs I had so why is that now not good enough! Proably my fault for raising it I guess. I suppose I shouldn't have asked the question if I wasn't prepared for the answer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 15:41:36

"Any ideas on how to actually achieve this?"

It requires being assertive and having the courage of your convictions. If you tell a partner something is important to you and they repeatedly fail to take it seriously then you have to up the stakes. This is where being brave comes into it. No he isn't cruel or abusive but he's being thoughtless and uncaring enough to make you unhappy. So raising the stakes means pointing this out and introducing ideas like wondering about the future of your relationship. You may never be prepared to 'LTB' in reality and I hope it wouldn't come to that but the point is that you can't afford to let him think that you've got no other options and he can do as he pleases.

garlicgrump Wed 22-May-13 16:44:19

I find body language so important and really need eye contact/cuddles etc to feel loved. ... He does give other people his full attention. Friends, colleagues, total strangers! ... Was like this before (although not in the first few years).

You're describing someone who cares a lot about being liked - will make the effort to give them 'strokes' of positive attention while they're new to him, but drops it as soon as he feels he's got them. Fair enough, plenty of couples are the same as each other in this respect, but I'm more like you and have been through it in relationships. It's insufferably bad manners, in my view, and causes bad damage to my feelings about them. I make the effort to acknowledge their importance; they should damn well do the same for me!

I don't really feel this is about different 'love languages' as he clearly has the motivation to show an interest in people he isn't married to. It's more about lack of respect, taking you for granted. I'm not sure I would bother pursuing change on this any more - was burned by XH2, who took this to horrific extremes - but, assuming you can be arsed to make yet more effort, you might results from a combination of making it a clearly sackable offence (whether you mean it or not) and going to Relate - which, hopefully, he might suggest when he sees he might lose you.

In the meantime, here's a full-on positive regard, a smile and some flowers from the internet!

LongGoneBeforeDaylight Wed 22-May-13 17:03:27

I wonder if he's an introvert and you're an extrovert? Maybe he values quiet/solace more than you do - doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

garlicgrump Wed 22-May-13 17:48:29

Surely an introvert would have been introverted while they were dating? OP says he paid attention to her for the first few years.

Helltotheno Wed 22-May-13 20:05:50

OP do you think there might be someone else? Online stuff?

I don't think your imagining it.

Helltotheno Wed 22-May-13 20:06:07

you're imagining it even!

LongGoneBeforeDaylight Thu 23-May-13 12:40:12

I find me and my DP are opposites in the same sense - he's introverted. When we get in from being with friends etc he wants to be quiet as he finds socialising exhausting whereas I find it energising. As his partner you're there for his "downtime" and so he may not be as energetic or engaging as he was when dating. Just a thought. Obviously, you both may need to make more of an effort to meet each others' needs.

Lizzabadger Thu 23-May-13 12:50:54

He's totally lost my sympathy with the boob comment. You have just given birth to his child and he's complaining that your anatomy isn't exciting enoughfor him!

I am sorry but to me he sounds like a self-centred arse who sees you as a piece of meat there for his gratification.

toffeecrispandacupoftea Thu 23-May-13 13:47:58

I will try and be more assertive. Just hard when have a new born and knackered/over emotional.

Maybe he is just more of an introvert. He does like relaxing doing things that are quieter (reading papers, watching news etc) whereas I prefer to go out, chat to friends and so on).

It does feel I am very much taken for granted though. I probably can help this. I do things like keep weekends free because I hope we will have time together but then he is busy (often with work - and the odd grand prix) so then I am home alone and we argue because I feel I should be important enough to make a bit of time for too. I should probably just arrange to go out/ go shopping/see family and friends and then if he is free he can suggest doing things together or (hopefully) miss me.

I used to work away from home and then he made a lot more effort when I came home at weekends and really seemed to want to see me. Perhaps if I pleased myself more he would want to be together more?

No, I am confident there is no one else. We both work from home (probably part of the problem), we share an email account (have to for work and he hates using the computer) and been together for 8 years so nearly all friends are close and mutual. Also (maybe naively) I just don't think he would do that.

toffeecrispandacupoftea Thu 23-May-13 17:05:19

Another worry is that he never wants to commit to time together.

Eg. I say, "shall we take DD to the beach on Monday". He will say something like "yes we will try to do that" and then sometimes we will sometimes we won't as something "urgent" comes up.

On the other hand, a friend will say they are popping over in a couple of weekends time for lunch. So he will say "so and so is coming for lunch a week sunday".

So fine, happy for them to come. However, why can he say definately free that weekend for lunch but not free this weekend to go to the beach if something critical happens??! (I also then have to make the lunch, wash up etc etc).

Really want to turn things around. Do want to stay together but want how we were not how we are. Don't want to look needy as that won't help and don't want to issue ultimatums. Some of these things sound so petty written down but then again, all just linked to "being taken for granted".

toffeecrispandacupoftea Thu 23-May-13 17:24:52

And while I am ranting...

After DD was born, he was really keen that we showed appreciation for all those involved (flowers for midwifes, chocolates for hospital staff etc). That is lovely and happy to do it (obviously I sorted all this out).

However, it didn't occur to him to thank me at all! Obviously did't get pg for a present but it did upset me that it didn't occur to him to acknowledge I had a role in her birth.

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