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Apologies from the OW

(219 Posts)
Mosman Tue 21-May-13 15:22:24

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

Carmenita Tue 28-May-13 14:29:59

I was an OW. The DW contacted me a few times, all via text message. A couple of times to tell me what she thought of me (fair enough), a few times to forward to me messages from her DH, after she found out that we had been in touch secretly. She was clearly desperate, and he clearly played us both.

I never replied to any of the messages. And I never will respond to any message from her. I consider that the best thing I can do is to never have anything to do with him again and leave them in peace to decide what to do with their marriage.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 28-May-13 13:49:13

Downunderdolly, I love your post, made me smile

Amessagetoyou,my contact with the OW was controlled, I definitely didn't rant (even though my insides were willing me too).

I'm pretty sure it will give them something to think about and think twice before doing it again!

Offred Tue 28-May-13 11:15:24

I'm not sure. I think intellectually they surely already understood how bad it was when you were kicking off but it is difficult to understand emotionally how bad something is for someone else. It is emotions that often lead you into an affair, people are less/more vulnerable to an affair of any kind depending on their ability to deal with/understand their emotions and there's not much you can do about that.

jayho Tue 28-May-13 11:13:49

dotty reminded me of my exh's immortal line on being told that, no, I would not tolerate his behaviour and wanted to divorce:

'Oh, you just have to take the high moral ground!'

Uh,yes.

Mosman Tue 28-May-13 10:20:59

I don't think it's about blaming at all it's about making sure they understand what the impact of their actions were, that they know they were lied too on some points and that any justification they thought existed for their behaviour was lies.
In my case all three were vulnerable women not witches from hell - if my contacting them helps them make better choices then it's all good.

Offred Tue 28-May-13 10:03:00

It's not that OW/OM are not at all to blame it's just that what's the blame they might take got to do with you? Unless they are your friend and have also shat on their relationship with you any OW/OM is utterly irrelevant because the blame is 'shouldnt sleep with married people' i.e. general whereas it is the partner who has cheated who has actually lied and hurt you and broken your specific relationship. This is about personally blaming ow/om for breaking your specific relationship and i dont know whether that's fair or realistic because someone else outside the relationship simply isnt invested in or thinking about the relationship in any in depth way and i dont think they should be expected to really.

I was very frequently cheated on (he slept with 30-50 ow) by my nasty xp. The problem was entirely his. I don't think much of the girls he slept with so I wouldn't choose to hang out with them. Some of them who were my friends I will never forgive because they broke their friendship with me in a terrible way. I don't blame any of them even a tiny bit for breaking my relationship, hurting me, my children, that was all him. The fact that they would sleep with a man who had children and a partner means they aren't particularly nice people but still not to blame for my relationship and I wouldn't expect/want them to apologise.

I can't understand why someone would go looking for a fight/misery/blame anywhere other than the person responsible unless it was about avoiding putting the blame away from someone they are struggling to see as blameworthy. Unless of course they believe 'boys will be boys' and it is the whole population of women who are responsible for keeping men faithful.

I can get why you'd want to apportion blame, why you might do it as part of the process of moving on, why you might feel you wanted answers from ow/om but I don't think it's ideal or particularly helpful although a very common thing. I don't think it should be celebrated.

DottyboutDots Tue 28-May-13 09:19:54

Fabulous comment about fidelity by my friend's STBXH:

"We didn't mention fidleity, so I thought it was tacitly agreed that i could fuck around".

Same man then when mental when he saw my gf dressed up for a night out, once they were separated, and tried to keep her phone and wallet because he couldn't contain his jealousy.

But then he is the world's biggest cunt.

badinage Mon 27-May-13 22:37:48

That's just bollocks that there's an 'absence of comment' about the men who cheat, or the women who cheat for that matter. In fact if an attached woman posts on here about having an affair with an attached man, every epithet under the sun is attributed to him, when in fact he's doing nothing different to the OP. That always confuses the hell out of me - why he's supposed to have 'done this before' and is 'stringing the OP along' but the OP is somehow different? confused

I can honestly say too I've never seen an affair thread where an OP blames the OW exclusively and says that her husband had no part in events. Women really aren't that stupid, in my experience.

It's also bollocks (and highly disingenuous) IMO to claim that an OW might not be aware of the monogamy contract made by her lover. If that was the case, why would she consent to the affair being kept secret then?

Jan49 Mon 27-May-13 17:44:50

I'm sure in reality both the married man and married woman and the other woman/man are to blame. But I get annoyed when people suggest that the "other" person is not at all to blame as they didn't make the vows and owe nothing to the injured spouse. That's ridiculous. It would imply that no one need take anyone else into account before doing anything, whereas in reality we all live in society.

I have no clue how I would apportion blame between my ex and the OW except that I would blame them both.

But to me it seems, my ex betrayed me. His OW betrayed all women. That's how it feels to me.

AnyFucker Mon 27-May-13 17:41:30

I don't agree with placing the blame anywhere else than it is deserved either. Which is definitely primarily with the cheater.

But, am I just being a proper old fashioned stick in the mud to think that if someone is married then, as far as I am concerned, it pretty much defaults to mean monogamy in the abscence of not knowing every single person's marital arrangements intimately ?

Marriage, to me, means monogamy and unless I am explicitly told and have witnessed with my own eyes the same thing said by both partners in the same room, at the same time then that is what I assume and have always acted accordingly.

Yes, I have been lied to in the past but that was my own naivety and foolishness of youth. Most of us grow out of that fairly sharpish.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 27-May-13 17:27:07

Agrees with Offred's post. The name-calling disgusts me; and it's ALWAYS geared towards the 'other woman'. I think the blame-apportionment here is completely skewed and unreasonable. I suppose it's easier to name-call somebody who means nothing to you rather than somebody you haven't yet decided what to do with.

Offred Mon 27-May-13 16:36:33

No, the vows don't always say anything about monogamy. You can choose to say those vows if it is important to you and sex outside the marriage is only grounds for divorce if the other partner finds it unreasonable. There is nothing in the bare bones of the marriage contract which stipulates there must be monogamy. I'm not a fan of the "oh think of the children" hand wringing either. Ow/om should think about their children if they have any and the cheater should be thinking about theirs. The problem is although it is obviously possible to apportion blame that is very frequently not what happened. Certainly on here it is ridiculously common to hear stuff about the "slag" who "should have kept her pants on" and an almost total absence of comment on the man who broke the terms of the relationship and did all the lying. I definitely think they go together because when you are shocked like that it is hard to adjust to the person going from lover to shithead, much easier if you convince yourself that ow should have kept her knickers on and is a slag who tempted him... Which is another thing the nastiest of cheaters try to portray in order to escape the blame... Never their fault is it?

amessagetoyouYoni Mon 27-May-13 13:32:06

Love Charbon's post.

Personally, hell would freeze over before I'd ever contact the OW. It IS DH's responsibility, his shit, his problem to clear up.

Its just...I dont know...it feels juvenile to start ranting at a strange woman when it was my husband who made and then betrayed the Commitment.

Just my personal opinion.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 12:48:22

You're right - actually mine went I e better than giving it away, she paid half towards a hotel room, imagine paying £25.00 to be fucked by a married man, the mind boggles !

MrsSpagBol Mon 27-May-13 12:36:57

SuckingLemons

"I was the OW and had phone calls from the DW a few times demanding answers from me that I couldn't possibly give her. It must have made it 10 times worse for her having to speak to me, and I will never understand why she done it and what she gained from it, if anything at all. All I could say to her was, ask your DH why he done it"

If you don't mind me asking - how do you justify/explain your actions?
Do you think starting an affair with a married man is wrong?
If so, why did you do it?
If not, why do you not think it is wrong?

These are genuine questions; I am honestly trying to understand yours (or OW's points of views), especially the ones who don't think they did anything wrong, and don't think they have anything to apologise for.

Bogeyface Mon 27-May-13 12:34:09

Mosman calling her a whore is unacceptable.

Prostitutes charge for their services, OW give it away for free.

Jan49 Mon 27-May-13 12:18:29

Offred, even people who don't believe in faithful relationships are capable of working out that breaking up a marriage with children will hurt the children. No one's that dim.

Jan49 Mon 27-May-13 12:13:19

I've been in this situation. My h had an affair and then left me for that woman. She dumped him soon after. Apparently she wasn't keen to start a relationship with him when she knew he was married, but changed her mind because he said he was ending his marriage. hmm

I can't understand people who say it's only the person who is married that is to blame because they're the person who agreed to be faithful. I'd blame the OW/OM as well. If the OW/OM can do what they like because they don't "owe" anything to a stranger, then that surely also applies to attacking someone in the street or running them down in your car or sitting on the train when someone clearly needs the seat more than you or saying thank you to a shop assistant? Surely what you owe to a stranger is some consideration and whatever the law says. Yes, I'd expect more consideration from someone who loves me than from a stranger, but I didn't expect any woman to have an affair with my h. I felt "betrayed by women" (intentional plural, not a typo) when it happened. I couldn't understand how anyone could do such a thing. I think the answer to "how" is that the OW/OM is a selfish person who doesn't care about anyone else.

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 12:08:14

I have no idea how to spell the abbreviation of whore, if it's not hoe then I apologise to gardening tools everywhere grin

badinage Mon 27-May-13 12:06:14

On these threads, you always get people saying that if a woman blames the OW, it means she's letting her husband 'off the hook' or some such nonsense. As if it's not possible to apportion blame in more than one direction confused. I just can't follow this peculiar train of thought at all.

I've got mates who've been OWs and no way do they think they were blameless.

I am a writer and when I put my mind to it can 'innocently' eviscerate. My 'guiless' response a week later elicited a 'gosh I didn't mean it I'm so sorry response' to her original email. I simply responded that I didn't much care for people who simultaneously polished their halos whilst putting in the boot and perhaps she might take some of her self stated core virtues of honesty to own the fact that sometimes people make mistakes, fall in love with people they didn't intend to and write unwelcome and sanctimoneous emails to their partners annoying ex wives. I haven't heard from her since grin

In my instance the OW contacted ME two years later. It was the most extraordinarily unselfaware sanctimonious correspondence that I have every read. Apropros of nowhere (although I now know precipitated to her moving to my City to live with ex H). Essentially she was said that she did not have an affair with ex H, in fact and I am quoting "I can't tell you the number of times I tried to save your marriage" and she went to to tell me with no apparent sense of irony that "he was looking to me for the emotional support he should have been getting from you". She went on to list my faults and catalogue her virtues "Anyone that knows me would tell you that my core value is honesty". And told me how I must have known my marriage was in trouble due to lies told her by my ex. She ended her unsolicited and unwelcome email with the happy sentiment "Think about it".

It actually became welcome as whilst I had been very keen not to put the blame on her outside of not subscribing to her morals it have me something incredibly tangible to dislike smile

CremeEggThief Mon 27-May-13 11:59:10

Em, for sleeping with a married man and being a contributor to breaking up a marriage and turning a woman's life and possible DC's lives upside down? Surely that is something to apologise for?!

badinage Mon 27-May-13 11:57:45

Crimes against the English language would be a start wink

Hoe?

For that I feel you should apologise.

What apology I should have gave would not have made things any better. What should I have apologised for exactly?

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