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Run, right?

(100 Posts)
Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 13:41:45

Long story short...

DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship; we weren't serious, I told him, it was very early days, I thought we were moving on.

Oh no. I have a close male friend who was at one point in love with me; we have no history, he does not try anything - too respectful and now over it - but we have been through a lot together incl bereavement etc.

DP gets funny about this, tries to ban me seeing friend. I felt guilty about the earlier on kiss so accept. After two months I crack, tell him I am seeing friend etc. He begrudgingly accepts.

Some time later, after he still reminds me daily of his "trust issues", it comes to a head and I walk away. We try to work things out, things get a bit better but every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc, we get back together, repeat ad nauseam.

This isn't sounding good is it? As things are, when he is wonderful he is brilliant and I want to cling to what we had, the future I foresaw. This morning he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question; storms out, now demanding if I am not there to meet him in 10 minutes (exactly, I've had the exact time by which I must arrive) or he sods off to America as he threatens to do all the time.

Why am I still here? Love. Hope. But still.

badinage Tue 21-May-13 18:29:39

What's he given up for you?

And is he quite a bit older than you/met you when you were quite young?

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 18:29:48

No, same age. Met mid-20s.

badinage Tue 21-May-13 18:30:39

So what's he given up for you?

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 18:30:53

he's given up this job in America that he was offered but didn't take because I am based here. Hence his constant threats to go over there and take the job (?)/ find a new one / travel -- delete according to mood sad

badinage Tue 21-May-13 18:32:30

How long have you been seeing him?

Leverette Tue 21-May-13 18:38:46

Relaying his actions and seeing they are those of a twat isn't your doing, for describing those things; they are examples of twatty behaviour for which he is solely responsible.

It was brave and open of you to have confided in him your abandonment fears and emotions. So now he knows just how to yank your chain and seems to do it to gain the upper hand whenever he needs to.

This man is a power tripping bastard and it will only get worse.

TheVermiciousKnid Tue 21-May-13 18:39:41

Buy him a one way ticket to America...

birdsnotbees Tue 21-May-13 18:42:38

His is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

You have bravely confided your abandonment issues. Which is to be commended, by the way.

He is now exploiting those issues to emotionally abuse you.

This is just the start. It will only get worse.

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 18:47:59

Mmm. He is, isn't he? I've had to cancel a rather important networking dinner this week because the friend will be there and at the moment I must be "thoughtful" of DP's needs or he will bugger off.

I just want a quiet life with a decent partner; I think it must be me as most men I have been with veer toward at least low level EA by the end.

expatinscotland Tue 21-May-13 18:50:13

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. DUMP pronto.

ScrambledSmegs Netherlands Tue 21-May-13 18:51:20

Yes. Run.

Interesting how you have this insight, yet can't seem to stop yourself placating him.

WarmFuzzyFun Tue 21-May-13 18:55:02

He is not nice, he is a drama lama. Please don't get drawn in any further, just end it move on.

Why is it so difficult?confused

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 18:56:23

I work in psychology but have redundant issues of my own that go far back; irony.

I don't have the balls to dump. I do love him. Plus I'd never hear the end of it...

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 18:57:13

Yes and he yells at me for causing drama then yells at me for making him be controlling.

expatinscotland Tue 21-May-13 18:58:47

Then why post? You know this is bad, but then come up with 'I can't dump him'.

Leverette Tue 21-May-13 18:59:21

If you're a psychologist you will well understand the power of intermittent reward. This man is training you.

You're a hugely intelligent woman capable of overriding his conditioning despite short term discomfort and disappointment. You have far more autonomy than one of Skinner's poor pigeons.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-May-13 18:59:55

Un-cancel that dinner. See what 'D'P does.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 19:00:51

He is horrible to you.

This is not a quiet life with a decent partner.

This is masochism in relationship form.

Why are you putting yourself through this?

pictish Tue 21-May-13 19:03:11

Well you've bagged yourself a corker of an emotional abuser this time OP!

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 19:04:36

I don't know. He has done quite well at convincing me a lot is my fault and this is a moment of clarity; they don't tend to last.

I just don't get why someone who is generally mature, smart, sweet, funny, very intelligent/highly educated and reasonable is being like this. He can tell how sad I am and can see how much I cry these days but he doesn't care because it's my fault and I have to keep trying and trying then it might be okay in future. I know how pathetic this sounds, believe me. I just want it to be easier - I don't cheat, I don't want anyone else, I didn;t "dump him out of the blue" as he claims I did, when I get drunk I know what I'm doing... he's now claiming we can't even go on holiday as planned because I cannot be trusted. What the hell does he expect me to do; shag a waiter!?

It's easier to say LTB than to do it I guess.

pictish Tue 21-May-13 19:06:14

He's a classic textbook abuser OP.
Everything you are describing about him screams ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER.

Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 19:06:50

He called earlier and said I sound sad, I told him I've just seen full guest list for dinner but I understand why I can't go.. perfect opportunity for him to say just go, but of course not, I shouldn't have created this situation...

argh. I just don't know what to do. I have so much invested and I really do love him. Plus - this sounds ridiculous - I have always avoided sex and never really enjoyed it because of bad experiences when pretty young, but with him it is truly incredible. I know that's shallow but I feel now I've finally discovered it I don't want to let it go, along with someone who can be so brilliant often, for the sake of a few dinners and tears.

Leverette Tue 21-May-13 19:07:43

And you descending into this whirling vortex of endlessly trying to please him, to get it right, to stop the cruelty ... That's what he wants. Because inside, he believes that you are nothing and he is everything.

Have you read any Lundy Bancroft?

expatinscotland Tue 21-May-13 19:07:57

How long have you been seeing him? Do you live together? Have children together?

pictish Tue 21-May-13 19:08:16

Sell yourself short and have a life of misery then. If you love him.

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