Asked Flirty Guy Out; Now Being Blanked

[Zilvernblue]

My marriage ended a couple of years ago and I've always had a bit of a thing for this guy in my friendship group. I knew him before I got married and we went on some casual dates but never quite managed to get it together, although he's admitted he fancies me. He's very shy, and has never had a girlfriend at 33. But very flirty, quite attention seeking, but kind of sweet and good to talk to too. We all went on holiday together as part of a group last year and got on amazingly well. Things felt "special".

So the flirting was happening again, but no suggestion of a date. Mutual male friends were telling me he was keen but he's "shy", so I decided to ask him out. I'm not brave enough to do it in person, so I sent him a text, not too pushy but clear that we should give it a go.

No reply. This was 4 months ago. Since then, he has avoided me like the plague. I would say he is actually going out of his way to avoid me - theres been a couple of parties where he's turned up early for half an hour, seen me in the distance and left without saying anything. I've noticed I'm no longer being invited out to drinks by several of the mutual friends, just at a time (separated from DH and getting divorced) that I could have done with friends.

I'm sure he is doing this to avoid saying "no" and because he probably wants to flirt with me in the future without having to date me, but in actual fact I'm mortified, embarrassed and really hurt by it all.

So has anyone ever encountered one of these "flirty but nice" men who don't want anything else, and how did you deal with them? Because I'm pretty sure that once he's made his point, he will try to go back to the flirty stuff.

[unobtanium]

It may give you some insight to know, I was like this some years ago. Desperately wanted attn and to be in a reln, but didn't trust myself in one. The flirting was genuine and I really did want it to progress into a date, but I could never actually handle the dating bit. Scared me too much! So I got asked out a couple of times and just ran for the hills. Even dodged out of a lift once when the guy in qn got into it (I had just stood him up out of cowardice) -- leaving me stranded and feeling silly on the wrong floor.

I had serious issues at the time, thankfully all gone long ago -- maybe he has too? If he is anything like I was, he will now be just mortified by his cowardice... and sadly there is now no possibility for the two of you. No matter how much he likes/liked you.

Don't imagine he'll want to flirt again with you, having shown himself to be such a prize wally. He'll be kicking himself over his "stupidity" and wondering how he can get his courage up in the future.

If he does try it on again, just be straight with him and ask him if he has any issues. Sounds very much as if he does!

HTH, just a bit of armchair psychology from someone who has done the same thing.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

By 'flirty but nice' you mean 'a time waster'. :) I think all this metaphorical batting of eyelashes over fans is really immature rather than shy behaviour. Playing people to get an ego boost rather than anything more constructive. Only way to deal with someone like that is to take the bull by the balls and ask them 'are you interested or not because, if you're not, stop wasting my time?'

BTW are you actually sure he's straight?

[KatieScarlett2833]

Gay Gay Gay as the May IMO

[Zilvernblue]

unobtanium I had serious issues at the time, thankfully all gone long ago -- maybe he has too?

Yes, I think so. I think the arsy behaviour is to cover this up. I can see through it, and its why I have given him another chance. I wish I hadn't bothered.

I think he's a fool.

[Zilvernblue]

Obviously it has occurred to me that he might be gay. It has obviously occurred to him too, because on holiday he made a big thing in front of everyone about making a joke about it but not being gay. So he says he is not. And then spent a lot of the holiday alone with me (but without anything physical happening).

I actually said to him in my text that he was the man and he had to take the lead - I think he knows I'm suspicious.

And now I think other people are beginning to think there is something dodgy about me, due to his current reaction.

He is on every dating site, goes to salsa dancing, cookery classes - all the classic things for finding a girlfriend.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Have you ever met a woman who says she has had sex with him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

33, never had a girlfriend, flirts but doesn't follow through, goes to cookery classes and salsa dancing .... ... he is so firmly in the closet he's probably got woodworm.

[Zilvernblue]

I've never met, or even heard of a woman who has even kissed him!

I have seen him behave similarly with another woman though. My guess is that he had been flirting with her, and he constantly name-dropped her when with me, but when she sat down next to him at a party, he immediately got up and literally bolted without saying a word to her, leaving her sitting on her own.

He has hinted at having had sex though, at a party once when he was very drunk.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Thought so
It's not you OP.

[Concreteblonde]

He sounds like a friend of mine. Incredibly hard work and draining. She loves flirting but if any poor bloke then dares to ask her out he immediately becomes a stalker and must be avoided. It feeds her ego I think.

I'd confront this head on if it's starting to impact on your friendships with other people.

[SanityClause]

I'm guessing your problem is less this chap than the other people in your social circle? So, perhaps make an effort to see other mutual friends without him there. That way, they will stay friends, and he won't get in the way of other good friendships, while he works out whatever his issues are.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

He's so gay.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"on holiday he made a big thing in front of everyone about making a joke about it but not being gay"

To quote Shakespeare... the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

[Floggingmolly]

Why on earth would he "hint at having had sex"?
He is either gay or 12 years old. Neither option being any use to you, op.

[ike1]

There, outed by mumsnet..ahaha

[Viviennemary]

I immediately thought when I read your post he must be gay but thought that was just me. but others think so too. But whether he is or isn't it doesn't seem as if he is interested in any kind of closer relationship with you. Which is a bit much if he's been giving out all those flirty signals. You are within your rights to be annoyed with him.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

He is SO Gay. He has flirts going on in his friendship group to shield himself behind. As long as he looks like he may be flirting, nobody will suspect that he is gay.

I feel sort of sorry for the poor bloke.

[Zilvernblue]

He could also just be shy and a bit anti-social, as suggested above. Who knows. I don't expect even he does. He owes me one, because I met his sister and she clearly thought I was a sort of girlfriend of his, because I'd been tagged with him in holiday photos together. I've known him for so long and always been a good friend to him, and he's just cut me off.

I feel very used (far more so than if it had been just a ONS). As for the friendship group, I've noticed a lot of the guys seems to flirt with the other single woman and leave their girlfriends at home. I would say two of the people in it (a couple) have been really good friends to me, but the guy said Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off. Which isn't true at all.

So who knows what he's insinuated to other friends. I have other friends, and I've been offered a job abroad, to start in September. I'll just go without bothering to say goodbye to any of them (other than the good friends). I really feel like I want to get away from all of them.

[Zilvernblue]

Floggingmolly Why on earth would he "hint at having had sex"?

Because the girl in question was a bit ahem skanky to say the least. And he likes to portray himself as a decent guy (tm) who doesn't sleep around, or even have flings. Because It Is Wrong.

He is either gay or 12 years old. Neither option being any use to you, op

Very good looking Floggingmolly, great to talk to, get on great. And I wanted to find out!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off. "

Bi-itch !! The whole group sounds like some kid of icky front for something dicey. Do you think they're all secret swingers? Bi and high?

[KatieScarlett2833]

I think you were his beard.

[AnyFucker]

Gay or a time-wasting nobber

Neither of those are much use to you romantically

Lucky escape, I reckon

[CalamityKate]

Gay as a handbag full of rainbows.
But in denial. Bless him.

[Mumsyblouse]

You have nothing to feel bad about whatsoever, he's the one that led you on and is now being very childish- so what if he's not interested, it's very insecure to be avoiding you like this.

I would keep the good friends and let the rest go. And, he does sound gay, otherwise none of it makes sense.