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Fresh Start, no more losers.

(1000 Posts)
LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 08:38:53

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

RandomFriend Wed 10-Jul-13 13:53:45

Time for a new thread?

My lighter note was an awful x post , sorry.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 13:50:03

I'm going to docs now, I can't shake this feeling off of not being here anymore. It's scaring me a bit.

If you need to laugh at someone crazier you can think of me on the other side of the world scared that my period is 8 days overdue when the only sex I've had this year is with the guy who has had a vasectomy. I even texted him yesterday to make him swear it!

Waterwater Wed 10-Jul-13 13:46:03

At one of my DC's primary schools there was a very pretty and glamourous mum of three boys. She had a best friend mum at the school and they were inseparable. No-one really got to know them because they were always so busy together. But a few of the mums knew the pretty one on a casual basis to chat to in the High Street etc.

She seemed to have quite a glamorous lifestyle, then her husband left her for another woman. He moved in straight away with her and she was pregnant. The glamorous mum couldn't seem to cope with the shock of having her life literally ripped from her. I don't know the circumstances but somehow she end up living in a flat above a shop in the High Street. That was where she was found by her children after committing suicide.

The ripple effect of shock of people feeling guilty they didn't do anything (even though they didn't know her) was quite staggering. A friend of mine was one of the ones who would chat to her on a casual basis. She said the day before the suicide she'd seen this mum in a card shop. She appeared to be looking over to her to catch her eye for a chat. My friend was busy running around and naturally thought she'd see her again and catch up with her for a chat then. My friend had the "what ifs" running through her mind. Could she have done anything that would have prevented it etc?

That guilt felt by the people around the person that committed suicide is palpable. It's not something anyone would wish on their own children. You know when you are not thinking straight and in the grips of depression as you are able to convince yourself people would be better off without you. That is never the case. In your right mind you know that.

The eldest son of this mum I mentioned has the same warm skin tone, light green eyes and soft blonde hair. It is painful for a stranger to see him and know that the little boy is being strong for his two younger brothers. That boy will always think he could have done something and didn't and blame himself.

We all know that if you reach out to tell people how you really feel, people will do anything for you. Just like this mum at the school. No-one got the chance to help her. Let people help you - strangers would help you rather than let you think that you've found the solution to how you're feeling.

For me the dissociation is a sign I'm tired and need to switch off. Then I need to be on my own and just distract with stuff that doesn't need much concentration or commitment like watching crap or mindless facebook games that are enough to stop me thinking or being too heady. It's like going with it and letting it run its course whilst my battery recharges.

Glad to hear you've got an appointment smile

MissStrawberry Wed 10-Jul-13 13:22:18

LNM, I understand you feeling like you have nothing and no one and there is no point to going on. I have been there so many times over the years and have tried to finish things. Once not seriously, once was.

Please ask for help and keep asking until you get the help and support you need and deserve.

Alwayskeptalidon Wed 10-Jul-13 13:20:44

As bunch says.

Put your jimjams on and snuggle up. We're all here in the background when you need us.

You will get there.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Jul-13 13:18:54

I've been there and had that feeling too, all these feelings in fact.

And the most important thing you can realise it that you can be helped.

I have called the Samaritans. They were great. I just blubbed and gushed about everything for about half an hour and they just listened and were nice to me.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Wed 10-Jul-13 13:11:44

LNM that's great, the 1st step is just getting help from your GP. If it helps, write down what you want to say, or how you are feeling. If you can't face anything today, just go and lie down, have a sleep if you think you need it. Don't put yourself under any pressure to do anything, and just make sure you get to the GP tomorrow.

We are all here to help you get through this, just keep talking if it helps.

Waterwater Wed 10-Jul-13 13:08:05

always: that is a good link, very interesting. LNM that's good news that you're taking steps to see the GP. Everyone has said it's a good idea to write things down in case you become tongue tied about how to start the subject. It is, even if you don't use it as it clarifies how you want to start conversation etc.

Have you spoken to a GP in the past at all about depression? (or feelings of hopelessness, is another way they express it).

I found sitting opposite my lovely gp looking at me in a concerned way was enough to start me crying, not something I'd allow in front of anyone normally. It literally is the first step. As I couldn't talk very much the gp moved on to reading out the check list they go through. Questions about how you feel and how often you have those feelings.

So even if you don't think you'll know what to say then just ask to move on to the check list. After giving your answers you may find it easier to say a bit more about your situation. (I don't know if in Scotland they may not use the check list?).

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 12:48:12

always that link is exactly how I feel.

I can't face anything today. I have a doctors app tomorrow.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 10-Jul-13 12:19:15

hi LNM - go see the Dr, write everything down if need be, but get this 'out' and ask for help. Whether it is ADs, counselling, whatever you need.

We are all here for you, the good days and the bloody crappy awful ones too. flowers

Alwayskeptalidon Wed 10-Jul-13 11:41:33

LNM This detached feeling is normal. Your tired from all of this.

Have a read of www.anxietynomore.co.uk/depersonalisation_and_derealisation.html

Hope the link worked.

mumat39 Wed 10-Jul-13 11:34:49

Sorry for my x post LNm. Glad you're back again.

Xxx

mumat39 Wed 10-Jul-13 11:33:21

LNM, so pleased to see your post this morning.

I've been thinking about you alot. I wonder if you're at the point where you're finally allowing yourself to just be sad and angry and pissed off with everything that's happened to you. You have been through so so much in such a short space of time and in some ways you have been super woman. You might no have felt like it but you've just had one hurdle after another.

If you can remove one, ie work, then ask your GP to sign you off for a while longer. I know you don't want to be at home by yourself, but could you do things like go to the beach, or swimming, or anything really. Your girls are on holiday now and they will be itching to see you. Just imagine their happy faces when they see their mummy again. If you get signed off you could maybe have the summer holidays at home with them. The last time you were signed off you ended up in bed with your sore back and in hospital, so you didn't manage to get much rest or much of a break.

Please speak to your gp and please tell him everything you said on here last night. They are there to help you.

I don't know if what I'm saying is helping or not, but I am so very worried about you and I wish I could convince you that you will get through this, I promise.

Please be kind to yourself.
Xxx

lazarusb Wed 10-Jul-13 11:29:21

I remember that feeling well...I was diagnosed with severe depression shortly afterwards. That was 14 years ago after repeated mcs and bereavement - not a fun time! I am around today, applying for jobs online, scary stuff, so I will be checking in regularly. I'm quite pleased you're back home tbh, make some tea, eat biscuits, have a sleep - avoid daytime telly though, it's shit!

Pick up that phone & make that call...

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Jul-13 11:15:03

Thank you for posting. I will see my doctor.

I'm just home from work, can't do anything as still problems with the system or something. Not sure how I managed to get there in the first place. Feel a bit strange, like at work, I felt totally detached from everyone and like I wasn't there. confused

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Jul-13 10:44:31

So pleased you are back on Lmn this morning.
From the start I was worried you were 'coping' too well.
When a trauma happens there comes a point when your body and mind has to go to meltdown to cope . I went to my GP and was diagnosed with severe post traumatic stress!! When I looked at it that way I was quite shocked ( and I didn't even tell her how many times I considered driving off the flyover I cross each day :/ ) try not to be a 'coper' says queen coper

Lean on friends /here on MN . People honestly won't mind. Whatever time of day or night , you would do the same. Right?

As to the demon drink; I actually stopped drinking for a while and NEVER on my own, as it took me to the dark place quicker. Fill this week however you can, ( i will go shopping at 9pm as it occupies an evening) saddo

Oh and if you did do anything rash think that twunt would have girls 100% of time . That for me was enough!! (( hugs))

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Wed 10-Jul-13 10:28:48

LNM I hope you are still reading. You need to go to the GP and get some help. ADs will prop you up while your mind and body cannot take anymore of the pressure and strain. I've been there, and the ADs were a life saver for me. I physically couldn't take any more, and the ADs slowly got me out of my black hole, to the point I could deal with things better. Just lifting that fog, no matter how, helps enormously. You need to get onto your GP and just ask for that help. My offer still stands, if you need hand holding, hugs or just a listening ear I'll be finished work at 6.45pm and can come and help. I agree with whoever else said the alcohol isn't helping so stay away. It's acting as a depressant, and it is making things seem worse. I know you don't feel much different now you have slept, but drinking again when things seem so bleak won't help at all.

Post here to talk if it helps, or go to your GP and ask for help. I can remember how terrifying it was to make that call, but honestly it was the best thing I ever did. You need to reach out and get the help you desparately need.

lazarusb Wed 10-Jul-13 10:24:46

Please, please see your GP today or talk to the Samaritans.
Help really is out there, for you. If you have any vodka left, please throw it down the plughole. Your girls need you, more than you know. We might be strangers on the net but we really do worry and about you (and them). I understand you want to keep a bit of distance and anonymity but asking for help is not a weakness.

Very few people in RL know about this but I OD'd when I was 17 over much less than what you're dealing with. At the time I really didn't want to wake up. But I did and, while life has actually been harder at times since then, I've never regretted having the opportunity to live it. I'm not afraid to ask for help although I am frightened of losing control of my life IYSWIM? But I've developed coping mechanisms and realised that I'm not invincible and don't have to cope with everything.

You will, and can, get through this. Please put your first stage into action and ask for help. We will all be with you, every step of the way.

Alwayskeptalidon Wed 10-Jul-13 09:55:20

Morning LNM. Hope your feeling a bit better.
As you can see from all the people that have delurked, there are a lot of us who have followed you on this difficult journey. We are all here for you.

I think you have had to cope with too much. You need to slow down and get some help. Think of your interview on Monday. Maybe try for the p/t position and get topped up with tax credits. A single parent with 3 DD's and working full time is tough. There is help out there. You just need to access it.

Thinking of you.
Take care.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 10-Jul-13 09:35:26

Your mind is telling you lies. It is very hard not to believe them, because it all makes so much sense, right? But your mind is not your friend just now.

Go to the GP today as an emergency appointment, please. It is a top high priority for you and the doctor to get you stable after everything you've had going on. The human mind needs extra care and support at difficult times. It is not weakness, it is compassion for yourself and anyone who has been through the wringer.

And I know this sounds like I'm being a puritan but I would stay away from the booze completely, especially when you are on your own. It just makes my your brain go into a terrible state instead of helping you relax or unwind.

Oh dear.

Right, I was one saying don't take ads yet about a month ago remember? Well now I think it's time lnm. That can't see the light or believe it will ever be there again means yes it's time and yes you need them imo. It will take a couple of weeks but you'll start to feel yourself again.

For now your thinking and feelings are NOT to be trusted. Honestly. When you are in that tunnel the most hideous monstrous untruths will seem utterly true and unchangeable. Honestly you cannot trust your thoughts and feelings now. Just survive and decide nothing till you are back in your right mind. Get ads to get you there.

Like chips i've seen and felt the reality of following that madness to what seems like the logical end and have to live with awful guilt. So really take it from us to not trustyour thinking and get help right away.

ChipsNEggs Wed 10-Jul-13 08:29:50

Morning LNM, I'm so sorry you are feeling so very down.

I tried to kill myself 10 years ago. My life was shit and I could not see a way out, when asked why I did it the only thing I could come up with was that I had to do something. Looking back now I can see through the fog I was in that I saw it as the only thing that would make a difference, the only step that could actually change how I was feeling. But it is a too final step and a life sentence for those left behind. I'm so very glad I didn't succeed and still feel guilt for the devastation I caused. A far better thing to do is visit your GP and get support now. Write down how you feel if you think you'll minimise it.

When you feel like things are at there worse and you can't see light at either end of the tunnel it means you're right in the middle and you've made great progress but just can't see it yet. Keep plodding on and chinks of light will appear and you will get out the other side.

If you can't do it for you do it for your girls, you say that you are your parents it is in your blood, well maybe you have to break that cycle so they don't go through the same thing? You are loved by more people than you know but especially your girls who love and need you desperately.

See your GP as soon as possible and get some support. I think every person in the world can benefit from therapy, it doesn't mean you're defective only that you're human. I also took anti-depressants when things were bad and they helped to clear enough of the fog that I could function and start to see a way out.

Sending you big hugs and lots of pistachios. xx

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