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DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

(270 Posts)
nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:30:34

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before sad

Advice please and fast.

BeCool Wed 22-May-13 14:21:00

re all this booking prostitutes online, along with all these claims by men to make fantasy bookings, surely any business in this area would insist on taking a deposit prior to confirming any booking?

Otherwise you would have prostitutes & porn stars turning up to all these "fantasy addresses" for dates with mythical punters. I can't imagine they wouldn't address time wasters (as they are apparently so very common) in their ^ ahem^ business model.

OP can you see if any payment has gone out of his account around the time of the email? It won't be under an obvious name.

I have no idea what a deposit for a £500-£800 pound booking would be. In my line of business (music) we always ask for 50% up front.

GetOrfMoiLand Wed 22-May-13 14:22:21

Urgh.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:24:18

lolly im a woman in a sexless marriage but i would NEVER consider using a male escort. And we had a man on here a couple of months ago who said he was in a sexless marriage but he drip fed that he was having sex with his wife twice a month.
Being as i am in a genuinely sexless marriage with a DH that hasnt touched me for 17 years it fucking winds me up when the term is used so flippantly.

BeCool Wed 22-May-13 14:26:31

lolly that is dreadful! What a shock!

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 22-May-13 14:27:29

OP...has he said anything else?

If he hasn't, I don't think you'll ever get the truth without digging for it yourself. He has the chance to come clean and try to rebuild this, but he's keeping the skeletons in his closet, and only reacting to what he thinks that you know.

I'd call his bluff, and pretend to know everything; be very quiet, don't fill silences and don't let on what you know. Just let him talk his way into a hole, and don't react. He'll fill the silence, and then you can walk away (or fight this out) knowing everything.

If he can't give you that, than I don't think you've got anything to save.

For what it's worth, it may well be the case that he's contacted the prostitute about you emailing, or that they are booked that night (with your husband) and therefore want you to call so that they can talk you into using a different prostitute/a different time/etc.

You may be able to get them to talk to you about your husband, but he's the client and they make money from him, so they'll likely refuse to talk to you. It would also become a very sad state of affairs if you have to hear it from the prostitute herself.

Have you checked his bank statements? Searched his email inbox? Is it possible that he has another email/phone?

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:29:20

Oh and btw Approaching just to save you some wear and tear on your fingers... the lack of sex in my situ aint down to me. I had an OM for 4 and a half years.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 14:29:58

Sorry for going off on a hijack OP

Approachingdarkness Wed 22-May-13 14:59:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 15:14:25

I have been 'contacted' before by men online, and had a pretty distressing experience when I was 15 and it turned out the person I was talking to and was pressing me to meet was much much older than me, 57. I got the impression that you were here to 'pick up' darkness, sorry if not.

You say 'I never never wanted to end up having to buy sex'. You dont have to do anything. No one is forcing you. Whilst I have some sympathies for your situation, it still does not justify your actions against your wife, however you may try to skirt responsibility and convince yourself of this. I think you need to talk to your wife more, if I thought that my OH was even considering resorting to paying for sex, I would certainly step up my game! But if she is asexual and simply does not want it, ever, then she needs to know what you would be/are willing to do to get it. That way she can either choose to give her blessing to you or walk away from the relationship. Maybe you werent in therapy long enough, or maybe you werent with the right therapist. Sounds like the subject is the elephant in the room. I bet she feels it too, and starting that conversation wont be half as difficult as the conversation whereby she has found out you pay prostitutes for sex.

I hope you are ok OP and are getting time to think things through. I dont know how much can be gained from finding out whether he made the appointment or not, I have searched online and there do seem to be 'time wasters' who contact these hookers just for sad kicks. But if you did want to know I agree with the person who suggested asking a male to phone and confirm, or checking his bank accounts. If you called though there could be crossed wires and you may end up with the wrong impression. I have a feeling you will end up sticking with H and working through it- if thats what you want then all the best, I hope you are strong enough to know what is right for you and your kids xx

spanky2 Wed 22-May-13 16:30:31

I sort of understand where darkesteyes is coming from as my poor dh doesn't get regular sex as I have mental health issues which have lead to a lack of sex drive . I do worry about the effect this has on him up. However it is not acceptable for him to have sex behind my back . What are they meant to do? I hope you are okay op as we haven't heard from you for a while .

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:13:58

spanky in my case my Dh has disabilities. But hes had those for seven years and hasnt wanted me for 17.
I found a sexless marriage forum recently which discusses whether situations like mine are abusive.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:22:01
Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 19:24:31

Sorry to hijack so much OP How are things now? Im with Caja on this. You wont get anything like the full truth without digging for it.

nogoingback999 Wed 22-May-13 21:29:09

Thanks for asking after me. Its been a strange time. i'm not reacting the way I thought I would (ie hardly any crying etc) , I just feel numb. I cant wait to get away this weekend. DH has gone away for work and I will be gone before he gets back. I really need some solitude and some time to think through whats happened. I've just booked into a hotel with a pool where the kids can hang out and i can just sit and think. 17 yr old Ds is staying with a friend, I haven't told her anything, but she knows something is up

I'm shifting constantly in my thinking. Its hard to reconcile whats happened to the man he used to be. I know that depression and alcohol have been a factor and that he is addressing them so part of me dosen't want to blame him completely due to these issues.

Then I'll think 'he's just shitting me" and playing me for a fool and I'll start thinking of leaving again.

Today he emailed the escort agency and bcc me in asking to confirm his booking... to prove that he didn't have one. I don't even know what I think about that yet.

I asked him to think about how being honest he is being with me. He says he is utterly and that I know all his secrets now and that the worst of his secrets were actually around the drinking. I just asked that he think over the next couple of days that the one thing he can give me now is the honest truth and let me decide what to do based on that.

He asked again if I wanted him to come this weekend and I said no. I don't know what I will decide (really don't). I know I need some space to decide that though on my own.

Thanks again guys. With no one here to talk this over with, I have really appreciated hearing your kind and wise words.

Darkesteyes Wed 22-May-13 22:04:38

nogoingback Its understandable that you feel confused. And i understand the numb thing. You end up emotionally detatching to prevent being hurt any more.
You deserve more.

lollydollydrop Wed 22-May-13 22:21:13

OP don't put yourself under any pressure to make a quick decision. Its really good that you have the weekend to yourself- but you dont need to have decided by the end of that. Of course you are all over the place with your thoughts and I understand the going backwards and forth. You may need longer than you think/hope to become clearer. Don't let him rush you in any of this, do it in your own time.

Hunn1e Wed 22-May-13 23:08:03

OP, I have an idea......feel free to ignore, but i presume there are things you'd rather spend £800 on than him getting his leg over, so rain on his parade. Call the number they gave you in the email and tell them his name and email address and tell them he is being followed by a PI and that if he hooks up with one of their prostitutes the police will be involved. They will run a mile - they don't need the hassle.

Mumsyblouse Wed 22-May-13 23:21:44

Hotel sounds good, just take some time for yourself, but as others have said, don't feel you have to come back with a decision immediately. In my experience sometimes you can't decide what to do, you do one thing, that feels wrong so you end up with the other option- the decision will evolve. You might feel differently in six months. Hope it goes ok, what an awful week for you.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Thu 23-May-13 00:00:34

The email tactic though gives him the capacity to lie and say they have not emailed back, again. The bcc doesn't mean you would get any reply, so he could just delete a reply that says something inconvenient.

Agree with the posts telling you to take your time over all this. Don't let him pressure you into having to say it's all fine now if it's not.

spanky2 Thu 30-May-13 20:59:23

What did you decide? Are you okay ?

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