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DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

(270 Posts)
nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:30:34

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before sad

Advice please and fast.

SirBoobAlot Mon 20-May-13 20:34:46

What a complete bastard. Someone will be along with something useful to say soon, I'm sure, but in the meantime, here is a hand to hold.

LoganMummy Mon 20-May-13 20:35:04

I'm so sorry things have got this bad for you.

Personally I would challenge him ASAP and hope I could stop it before it gets any worse.

I hope you're ok.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:36:54

He is DEMANDING that I come and talk to him about what is wrong. I am being unfair apparently. I can't do this with people in the house. Do I just say that I know?

MatureUniStudent Mon 20-May-13 20:38:03

Gosh you poor thing. I found out about my soontobeex £400 pr hour habit after he had left, so didn't have to face him about it. Can you box clever, gather all the pay slips, pension stuff, passports etc together? Phone the CSA in England if he is paid in this country? or the equivalent of where you are now? Intermim maintenance order? see a solicitor between now and next week, as if he does the deed the divorce will be easier to get due to adultery?

My advice would be canny but I think it would take a super strong human to do that - so if you are going to have it out, why on earth not let the PIL know what their "delightful" son is up to.

And is it automatic that you would have to go back home? can he afford to keep you where you are now? if you have the house and he leaves to find a flat or something?

Such a betrayal to see him spend money on himself that way - I am so sorry.

mumblechum1 Mon 20-May-13 20:38:41

Demanding? Tell him that you will speak to him when you're good and ready. Make the bastard sweat.

dietstartstmoz Mon 20-May-13 20:38:52

Can you tell him you know OP and does he have to go on his 'business trip'? Do you want to try and salvage your relationship? if so I think you need some honest talking and possibly therapy to work through this. Or make a plan B-move home, where to live, support network etc.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 20:39:06

I'd find out where the filthy bastard was going, turn up and publicly humiliate him, personally. Who the fuck does he think he is (obviously don't know him or you) but to spunk 600-800 dollars on a hooker?

Massive hugs to you my lovely, and sorry I don't have anything constructive to add. You're a fr better woman than me xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 20:39:09

Wow he is being an arse of laughable proportions!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Hrrrm Mon 20-May-13 20:39:26

If you want to leave him, don't say anything. If you want to try to make things work, tell him. (I recommend the former)

I would pack up and leave while he's on his trip and tell PIL then.

Fairyegg Mon 20-May-13 20:40:05

I don't think you have any choice to challenge it before it Happens really. Maybe pils being around may be a good thing. Whatever you do you can't ignore it.

Lemonies Mon 20-May-13 20:40:38

I think I would also do it now.
PIL can be a spport or at least occupy the kids.
I have fairly relaxed views on escorts but the sneaking around and deceit are too much.

Feeling for you, x

wispa31 Mon 20-May-13 20:40:51

leave him. sorry, but hes having sex outside the marriage?? fuck that shit!! and no you are not being unfair!!

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:41:15

I don't think I want some hookers sloppy seconds. he's not the man he was once. We were really great together once.

AThingInYourLife Mon 20-May-13 20:41:41

He has done it before.

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 20:42:29

Op, sorry to hear that. Are you thinking of leaving or trying to sort?

Just a word of warning as am sure you know but you wouldn't be able to take kids out of country without his consent and will get extradited back if you do! No kidding i know of not one but several women this has happened to.. Be v careful and get legal advice from a lawyer familiar with both UK and local law. Is there someone you can talk to there at all or Skype a UK friend? Might be worth posting in Living Overseas also.

nogoingback999 Mon 20-May-13 20:42:31

Sitting in one room on the laptop. The PILs are in the lounge and him upstairs waiting for me to talk. I hate this. I am a very private person. I just want to run away.

scarletforya Mon 20-May-13 20:42:35

Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all???

Good God, you poor thing. I'm so, so sorry.

Yes, fuck it. Please don't 'keep face' for the sake of his parents. The whole marriage is a sham because of him and his actions. Don't protect him.

I'm sure you're probably in shock. Sometimes the first instinct in shock is to try to 'control' the fall out. That is inevitable, your instinct is to maintain 'normality' to protect the children. However this does not mean you have to cover up for the fact that he has arranged a high cost prostitute presumably paid for with family money. sad

Don't minimise this. I'm so very sorry.

Fuckwittery Mon 20-May-13 20:43:02

quick question, how long have you been living overseas with your kids? If they have become habitually resident where you are living now you need to think about permission to take the children out of the country, and possibly act very very carefully to ensure you get his permission to come home, otherwise he might be able to force you back under the Hague Convention if he is a complete arse.
Sorry to raise this now as I know it's probably way more detail and long term stuff than you want to consider.
Is there somewhere you can go in the meantime in the country you are in?

Looksgoodingravy Mon 20-May-13 20:43:09

I would have to have it out before he left. I would also do as pp suggested and tell his PIL so that at least they can maybe take the dc out while you confront him with this.

I would expect he will try and minimise and make out he never intended to go through with it but by all accounts it sounds like he's possibly done this before?

So sorry sad

mumblechum1 Mon 20-May-13 20:43:15

Which country are you in at the moment?

I would go in there screaming and shouting it to the rooftops. It may not be the sensible course of action though.

I'm so sorry.

I would challenge him, in front of the PILs. If nothing else, they are likely to put pressure on him to continue to support you and the children, whereas if you do this without their knowing the details he could easily give them a false story about why you have left / thrown him out.

No matter what problems he's had, there is no excuse for using prostitutes.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 20:45:48

Ugh, what a pig.

No wonder you don't have much in the way of savings if he's spending money like that.

Personally I think you should tell your in laws that you will be returning home with them. Book yourself a ticket. Email the photo to your husband and tell him to figure it out for himself.

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 20:46:28

Don't do anything yet.

Bide your time, get your things together, things for the children, work out your exit plan - leave when he is away.

I think if you let him know that you know now, you give him the opportunity to make it hard for you to take the children or he could hide money from you. Don't give him the upper hand.

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