BF dumped me out of the blue

[Celeste63]

Six months ago I met a guy in Scotland online. I live in Belgium but he had connections here and my DD is at uni there, so we met up and got on immediately. I made two trips to Edinburgh, he came here twice, there was even talk of him looking for a job here. Last weekend we spent four days together driving up the west coast of Scotland, camping and barbecuing on the beach. For me it was like a dream come true. I have been alone for 15 years and wanted so badly to do things like this, and someone to do them with. He said how glad he was to have someone who liked walking, that his ex-GF would never camp or do anything outdoors. He referred to us as BF and GF for the first time. He has always been very tender, sweet and affectionate, holding my hand in the car, hugging and kissing me all the time, never letting go of me in bed. Sex didn't work so well at the beginning (because of him taking anti-depressants) but we enjoyed being together and when it finally did "work" he said he was looking forward to us getting to "know" each other better. I came back here on Monday, as we were driving to the airport we were discussing plans for the summer.

Then - nothing. Not a text, not an email, no contact whatsoever, including on my birthday on Thursday. No response to my communications. I actually called the hospitals in Edinburgh because after the weekend it seemed more likely he was dead or unconscious than that he'd decided to dump me.

Finally, on Saturday, he returned my call. He sounded awful. First he said that he couldn't cope with a long-distance relationship, then that he couldn't do any relationship at all. Then wrote me an email saying he hadn't found the "passion" he is capable of with me. He doesn't have a "tick-list" for the ideal woman but some feeling is missing. (May I add that while he is kind, sweet and respectful, he is also short, chubby and bald, not rich, depressed, not a player and I think he was pretty lucky to find me - does he think he's going to do better?) I'm still in shock and don't understand. He's been depressed and is trying to sell his flat and find something cheaper, as well as find a better job. He said all he wants to do is hide and that he wouldn't even go to work if he didn't have to. Do you think he's having so kind of a breakdown?

I've looked back through our texts, emails, Skype conversations (I know, just torturing myself) and he was always the "passionate" one, telling me I was wonderful, how much he looked forward to seeing me, how he hoped I'd like the way he'd cleaned up his flat for me, going to lots of trouble over this camping trip.

Any ideas? words of comfort? I am devastated and just can't understand why he is throwing away a relationship I thought we were both happy in. Also worried about his mental state.

Thanks so much for listening.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"First he said that he couldn't cope with a long-distance relationship, then that he couldn't do any relationship at all. Then wrote me an email saying he hadn't found the "passion" he is capable of with me. He doesn't have a "tick-list" for the ideal woman but some feeling is missing"

I think, if someone is saying 'good-bye' that emphatically and in that level of detail you shouldn't stick around for more punishment by digging for explanations but try - best you can - to shrug your shoulders and say 'your loss'. His mental state appears to have been an issue right from the start, it's obviously affected his decision but really it's his cross to bear and not yours.

Sorry it's ended but I think you have to respect his decision and move on.

[ThingummyBob]

Maybe he's met someone close to home or simply realised that long distance is not enough for him?

I'd suspect the former though as the contact cut off seems weird otherwise.

Don't torture yourself going over it all. It was a fairly new relationship that one person has decided to end.

Eat ice cream, drink wine and move on. The quicker you do this the quicker you will get over the hurt.

Sorry if that's harsh, I mean it kindly.

[meddie]

Sometimes people think they are ready for a relationship and then once in one they realise they aren't. I think you just need to draw a line under this, chalk it up to experience and move on.

[kayfish]

Didn't want to read and run, but don't have much wisdom. This sounds terrible - I think we've all been in similar situations to this, but mainly when younger.

One thing I always used to think when I was dating was to listen to what they were saying, but to also listen to the gaps too. What were they not saying? How long did it take them to come back to me? You've had six months of involvement - were there ever any question marks? Any thing you noticed but you cast to the side because you were falling in love?

Also, sometimes when people are depressed and they don't feel like doing anything, relationships can also sink with the ship too, no matter how passionate. In this case you need to mourn it and see that you did nothing wrong. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you.

[Celeste63]

Thanks everyone . I am trying not to hold out any hope. I just find it bizarre that things could change so dramatically from one day to the next. one minute to the next. In the past, he has always sent me a text to say thanks for the weekend within a few minutes of our saying goodbye. I know you're all right, it's just very sad. I am so sick of being alone and thought I was finally going to have a relationship and companionship like a normal person. Is that so much to ask for? I know it's not much of a problem compared to the abuse and other stuff many women on here suffer, but it's hurting so much.

[Phner]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear it, I know it's really hurtful getting dumped out of the blue.

But it's not your fault. You might not ever really understand his reasoning but it's definitely his loss.

[Mumsyblouse]

This is horrible when it happens, but I suspect he realised that if he carried on, it was going to get serious very quickly and there was talk of a future, and it was best to quit now, given he had doubts. I also think as you have met only 4 times (I get for a few days but still) that a lot of the hurt you are feeling is the loss of the possibility of the relationship which held so much promise, and not actually missing him as a person, but more as a potential/situation into which you could pour that very justifiable love and emotion.

I can understand why you are very upset, I would cry to some girlfriends on the phone, pamper yourself a bit and treat yourself very nicely. But he hasn't done anything wrong in letting you know immediately that this is just not for him.

And don't pour over his previous messages, he may have another girlfriend/be too depressed/not think you are the right person or any one of a host of reasons, even just a feeling, and you won't pin it down- so don't do that!

[Celeste63]

Thanks Kayfish. No, I never noticed anything. I was there when he talked to his mum and sisters about me on the phone. He'd asked me twice about dates for getting together during the summer. And now apparently i'm never going to see him again. Just like that. My suitcase got held up due to a strike at the airport and now I'm dreading getting it back. It's fully of muddy clothes from the weekend and the presents he brought me from a trip to South America. I want to be his friend once I get over this pain, but don't know whether to contact him again.

[schoolshoeblues]

Hi,

So sorry that all this has come crashing down around you. I just wanted to add, that now you have met someone after such a long time, you may find that a new door in your life has opened, and that someone else will come along a lot sooner than you think...keep positive!

You obviously have a good sense of self esteem; you saw yourself as a catch compared to him. This one may not have been right for you, but maybe he's leading you to someone who is.

I bet if you go no contact, you'll hear from him again, but please be wary if he does get in touch....

Xxx

[Mumsyblouse]

Celeste63 sometimes people get caught up in the moment, but then on reflection decide it's not for them. I really don't think over-thinking everything is the way forward- and I don't think being his friend when clearly you want so much more is a good idea either, because at some point, he or you will get someone else and that will just drag it out. I wouldn't contact him again, really, he knows your number if he really had something to say.

[Celeste63]

Thanks Schoolshoe, I hope he will come to his senses and that we can at least be friends. And I hope you are right about the new door opening. I never thought I would meet anyone again; at least now I know it's possible.

[A1980]

You have actually been unkind about his appearance and mental state and are of the view he'll never do better then you.

Is it possible this was apparent to him during the relationship?

[Celeste63]

A1980, you're right, that wasn't very kind of me. I guess I'm getting to the anger stage. His appearance was never a problem for me - I thought he was cute - he seemed to worry about it more. As for the depression, I have never been anything but supportive, since I've been there myself. No, I never thought of myself as anything other than lucky to have met him. What I meant is that he's not the type of guy who's going to turn women's heads walking down the street, and he's not a player who hangs out in bars or whatever trying to pick them up. When he's depressed he tends to stay home and isolate himself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'll get flamed for saying this but don't waste your time on someone with this many problems, even if they're not of his making. I'm sure you have plenty of your own to be getting on with.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I've had this with a few men in the past. It was devastating when they dumped me out of the blue and I do admit to spending a few weeks months wallowing. I'll tell you two things from my own experience:

1. It DOES get better. After feeling like my heart was so broken that I'd never love again, I'm now with an amazing man. He has been sure of his feelings from the beginning and has never given me cause to doubt him.
   

1. The best way to heal is to acknowledge the hurt, spend some time grieving and talking to friends or a counsellor, then to move on with your life. I know it's a cliche, but throwing yourself into a work project or new hobby really can help. Another important part of moving on is cutting contact with your ex. A good analogy is like a nurse dressing a wound - it hurts more at the time, but afterwards it's much better. You'll only prolong the hurt if you stay in touch with him. There's a really good guide to no contact here: LoveShack No Contact Guide.
   

I apologise if any of that came across as patronising, but it really worked for me and I hope that it can help you, too. Good luck!

[Vivacia]

I wonder if he really wanted this relationship to work and tried to hard to make it successful even though the two of you weren't really a good fit? It would explain his enthusiasm and sudden change of heart.

[schoolshoeblues]

FWIW, I agree with cogito, and I also think that his behaviour is caused by his problems as opposed to how he really feels about you.

[ladyjadie]

How long ago did he split up with his ex?

I agree with what Vivacia said, and more so if he's still hurting from a previous break-up.

[Celeste63]

Thanks everyone for your support. Dormouse that's a heartening story and I read the NC guide. I have been guilty of stalking him (a little) on FB and Skype but I will stop and just be invisible. And no more emails, I told him what i had to say. The more I think about it, the more it seems he's had some real crisis with his depression. Or maybe things are just too much at the moment: trying to get his flat ready to sell, trying to find a better-paid job (partly so he can support his DD, who lives with her mum in South America), wanting a career change (mid-life crisis maybe). He was with his ex for three years, but he left her, though only in October. Over the weekend he made of point of asking me if I'd noticed he'd taken all pictures of her off FB recently (yeah it took him awhile but he doesn't go on for weeks at a time). He hardly ever talked about her. Maybe he felt I was pressuring him to take the next step, yet, he was always the more passionate one, always the initiator of weekends and activities... I will stop trying to figure it out.

[unapologetic]

If he is depressed, everything will be a great effort. But also, when I read your post the first thing I thought was is the sex thing an issue for him and he doesn't want to say? Some men have really sensitive egos and he probably has some performance anxiety that he doesn't want to face up to. He would rather avoid you than tackle it.

[GilmoursPillow]

If he left her in October and you met 6 months ago there was only a month in between.
It's very likely he hasn't got his head around his last relationship being over, even though he instigated the split, before becoming involved with you.
I hope you feel better about it soon.

[Helltotheno]

I hope he will come to his senses and that we can at least be friends.

No OP don't go there.. you need to move away from the friends fantasy. You were lovers, not friends. In those situations, I've always found it helpful to think about a very good female friend and imagine myself out with that friend, having fun, chatting, pouring my heart out etc with zero conditions or expecations on either side. Now can you visualise yourself doing that with this guy in any other context other than lovers?

Also, he sort of sounds like the type who jumps in with both feet, then suddenly backs off and unfortunately this time, you were just caught in the crossfire.

I'd say stop speculating about him, delete all his contact details and move on. Best thing for you.... That way, even though it's very painful for you now, at least you'll be giving yourself a chance to forget about it quicker.

[Celeste63]

Thanks for your advice and kind words everyone. Will wait until he contacts me (if he ever does) and ignore him, at least for a bit. I left some things at his place and have some stuff of his, also owe him a few pounds for expenses last weekend, what should I do about that? Already at the point where I think i wouldn't take him back if he asked. Immediately anyway.

[SweetSeraphim]

You poor thing . I really feel for you.

I personally think he wasn't ready. I don't doubt that his feelings were real at the time though. He's chickened out, basically.

[MandyWatkins]

Something similar to this happened to me, but we'd been in a relationship for 5 years. One moment all seemed fine - soppy cards and flowers and talking of the future - then he stopped contacting me totally and didn't answer my calls. I was appalled at his disrespect for me.

But after checking he wasn't dead I decided to move on with my life and not try to find out why etc. It was difficult and I was hurt and more than a touch humiliated. But I avoided any possibility of contact with him. I deleted him from my life - no Facebook, or driving past his house, or going where his mates might be. I disposed of any gifts or stuff I had of his and just wrote off the stuff that was mine at his house. It was difficult for a couple of months, then suddenly easy. And I kept busy; started joining stuff that got me involved with other people.

Strangely enough he was quite short and ugly whereas I'm a supermodel Anyway a year on - even 3 months on if I'm honest - I'm fine and my life is good.

I don't know why he did what he did, and I honestly don't care now. I'm so glad that he showed me who he was, rather than the relationship carrying on and him doing something like that in years to come.

So this is what you do - stop looking for answers, delete him from your life and get busy. You'll be fine.