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family trauma

(98 Posts)
hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:05:08

my partner and I have 3 children: 5, 3 & 2. I work ft and he looks after them till 4 ish wen he goes to the pub till 7ish. since November he has been acting like an idiot constantly bullying me; name calling, sleeping in the loft and generally being a shit. when I confront the situation he just tells me to leave. he says the kids don,t even like me, I am a thick useless mother etc. I just do not know what to do. I definitely would never leave the kids but I am just so unhappy . I have no family here and I am embarrassed to be in this awful situation. in the past he has been violent but has not hit me lately .

Twinklestein Fri 19-Jul-13 15:22:32

You must chivvy the police if they haven't been in contact with him.
They cannot realistically assess what level of priority you are without talking to him.

They should know that splits are a common catalyst for violent men to kick off.

A violent abusive man with a drink problem is not likely to get custody, so don't worry about that.

And if he starts to be aggressive at all towards you in your or near your own home and you feel threatened - call the police immediately.
Don't hesitate - do it!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 19-Jul-13 15:38:57

I just do not think he realises how bad he has been, he is trying to make out I am also responsible for his behaviour and my behaviour was almost as bad as his,

That's because he doesn't want to acknowledge any wrong, and wants to deflect responsibility so he doesn't have to shoulder it. Textbook abuser.

Stop letting this get to you: you cannot convince him. You cannot change him. You will never get him to see your point of view. Ever. So please, let go of that desire to set the record straight straight with him. It's wasted time and energy.

Instead, focus that time and energy on what matters: keeping you and your children safe and healthy and happy. Call on all the sources of help you can to achieve this: GP, Police, Women's Aid, solicitor, trusted friends...

Courage. Well done on getting this far - you can be proud of yourself!

misskatamari Fri 19-Jul-13 17:03:46

Hullbird, I am new to this thread and it sounds like an awful situation to be in. You definitely need to get away from this abusive man.

The champix is ringing alarm bells however as it is linked with causing depression, suicide and domestic violence so he really needs to speak to his doctor if he is still taking it. They should be monitoring how he is getting on with it but obviously haven't flagged up these awful side effects in him. I haven't read through all the posts on here but it seems like he doesn't seem to think he has a problem which is very worrying.

Obviously your priority is your safety and the safety of your children. Is there anyone in his family maybe that you could speak to about addressing the possibility of champix causing this behaviour in him?

delilahlilah Fri 19-Jul-13 17:34:17

I was a child that had a Mum in this kind of relationship. She was bullied by Dad, and she stayed 'for the kids'. It was the worst thing she could have done. To this day, I still hold some feelings of resentment towards her for not leaving and letting us suffer. I do not say this lightly, I was in a violent relationship too. I left him so that my son would not suffer as we did.
He is messing with your head. It's like a script they have for Dickheads to use. "I'll go for custody", "Nobody else would want you", "You're upsetting the kids by doing ....." Limit all communication with him to be in writing - text / email and keep it about the children. Don't rise to anything he says. You will have a record of everything then.
You can do this OP, and you and your children will be happier for it. He is miffed because you are no longer funding his socialising at the pub every day.

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 19:48:06

Thanks for all the brilliant re-assuring messages! he actually thinks I have met someone else now, he is convinced that is the only reason I would not give him another chance. he is trying to make me feel guilty for not giving it another try or because I refuse to go to Relate. I think he is convinced that this will go is in favour in court. To answer hellsbellsmelons he is refusing to get a job, he is living on one of the flats he owns, he also owns 2 houses so this is where the money for the court battle will come from, despite this he has paid no money and takes my car when he takes the kids out and needs packed lunches as he claims he has no money. I am sure he is finding beer money although he claims to have cut down drinking in an attempt to win me back...??????

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 20:05:42

Stop giving him your car and packed lunches for thw kids. Get visiting days/times set and lock doors before before he's due over so he can't just walk in. Have you been to see a solicitor yet?

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:02:11

No I have not seen a solicitor yet, do i need to? I am planning to try and sort out access amicably and only contact a solicitor if he does?..

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:20:43

I would go at least for the free half hour just to know where you stand legally. Also contact csa sooner rather then later. My mum didn't when her and my ex father split up and he ended up getting out of over a years maintanence for my brother. Offence is the best form of defence as they say. Have you advised all the necessary that he no longer loves with you and made sure your claiming tax credits etc?

Hegsy Fri 19-Jul-13 21:21:36

*lives

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 21:23:37

Hullbird72 - please don't wait until he contacts a solicitor! you need to take control flower, and not be just "reacting" to his actions. You might be planning to do it amicably, but do you seriously think he is? Has he demonstrated any intentions so far to be amicable? Don't wait on him - you do need to see a solicitor, even if just to get advice on your options.

Otherwise who are you going to be getting an idea of what they are - from him? He's already giving you a load of bollocks re access etc, and having you run round lending him your car & packing lunches for his access time - it's up to him to be doing that!

You have come so far already though, it's fantastic - well done you, and keep on it!x

hullbird72 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:38:28

Ok I will contact a solicitor I will get my questions and proposals ready in advance , I shall take the bull by the horns so to speak!

DHtotalnob Fri 19-Jul-13 22:50:51

Hi - just checking in to say hello and I hope things are (relatively) okay and to reassure you in a small way that you are the normal one. xxx

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:42:30

thanks DH he has just been round to take the kids out trying yet again to convince me to give him another chance, he is blaming the booze, saying he has not realised what he had and has been in a rut for 5 years?!? he wants us to have a week away together to sort it out. I personally just think he had realised what he has lost And although I do believe he thinks he can change, I just do not but he is getting to me.

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 09:52:30

Look he is wearing you down. It is a common tactic of abusive people.
He is not listening to you. He is not respecting your feelings. He is trying to corner you into doing something you do not want to do because it benefits him.

Come on now. This guy knew exactly what he was doing all these years! He knew exactly who he was and what he was like! I have no doubt at all you spelled it out enough times!

What he really means is 'I can't believe you have actually dumped me for it.'

Well you have, and fucking good!

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:03:59

thanks Pictish and all you guys for your frank honest views and support, of course you are right he was a manipulative control freak who did his best to belittle me on every occasion. he had not even told his family as he has not acknowledged it is over, he obviously thinks we have a chance even though I just told him I feel lighter, happier back to my old self without him . he just told me if he moves back in he will sign a contract saying if all fails he will move out and accept it. ?? does he think I am that naive? anyhow I plan to get in touch with solicitor this week and push the police along he needs to realise it is over ....

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:10:09

Yes he does.
He is trying to barter, negotiate, manipulate and bully you into being in a relationship with him, when it is of no benefit to you whatsoever to be so.
Stop listening to him. He is totally driven to override you!

Cut contact down to a minimum. Do not have him walking into the house.

Stop giving him an audience.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:17:08

his main hold over me has been that the kids deserve 2 parents that are together . this morning the 3 yr old boy was hitting 5 yr old girl, I told him u should not hit girls, he said well daddy hit you. I told him this earlier and he said he is just listening to your parents etc and kids fight anyway. total denial. surely if he was not a selfish bastard he would realise how much this has already hurt the kids and not want to continue..... he is adamant he can change?

theboutiquemummy Sat 20-Jul-13 10:18:14

Change the locks so he has to knock to enter or get them ready so he has to take them out somewhere

Good Luck you know you are doing the right thing

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:21:40

Yeah he's using the kids as a bartering tool because he knows it's your Achilles heel.

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:31:58

They use the kids to hurt you when you're in the relationship, and they use the kids to bully you when you leave.
It's the one thing they know you are vulnerable over.

The kids don't deserve two parents. They deserve to not be subjected to an abusive parent. Two schmoo. His head's up his arse...but you lready know that.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:35:51

He knows how much I valued the family unit and how much I fought to keep it together. Problem is I now know the kids are better off with one strong loving parent than 2 fighting parents. I know he is going to kick off big style when he realises I am serious, and it is over...

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 10:53:59

I think you ought to call Women's Aid for advice on keeping you and your kids safe during this period of his dawning realisation, that it is, in fact, over.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:09:12

I have been in touch with empowerment through the police and best advice is change locks and phone police if he tries anything, that is when it will all go mad when the police finally get in touch....,,

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:17

Well...who's doing will that be?
You rll him you don't want any trouble, if he chooses to create it, wg=hat can you do?
Accept it? Give in?

No - you have him removed.

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