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I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

(201 Posts)
redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

springytate Thu 13-Jun-13 22:35:01

String her along a bit, why not? imo, a dramatic 'That's IT! I'm not talking to you any more!' is just daft. Far better to sort-of not be available. ime you never know when you might bump into each other again in a practical capacity iyswim. You don't want it to be all high dudgeon. You can pretend you both just kind of fell out of step, nothing awful, just went along separate paths. Re-write history!

I have become so much more sneaky in my old age LOL. Needs must, there are some toxic people about. Cover my own back.

Laura , you situation sounds horrible! I hope something sorts itself out before too long.

Laura0806 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:09:42

Ah thanks, yes I can understand the keeping the peace thing, just doesn't feel very good! Hopefully the fizzling out for you will be successful!

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 20:53:15

Laura0806 I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it.

It doesn't sound easy when your DDs are in the same class together, and she sounds like a spiteful cow if she is inviting other children over and deliberately excluding yours.

I can (sort of) understand the mutual friends continuing the friendship, probably to keep the peace, but if they can see what she is like then is there a possibility those friendships will also fizzle out soon, or she will Wendy/Alison someone else?

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 16:53:54

I am glad you are putting her off, but why do that dance? Do you feel it gives you a little payback at her expense since she so richly deserves it? It is still a toxic connection even if you feel you are the one pulling the strings, Red. Please stop responding.

It does feel like a little payback blush

I also lack the balls to cut her off so completely and by responding and fobbing her off I'm waiting for the friendship to fizzle out over the summer.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 13-Jun-13 16:26:06

"I don't hold grudges" This is the watershed comment for me. Shouldn't she have respectfully asked/hoped that you don't hold grudges? Instead you get a prissy pants declaration about her character (as if holding grudges is a bad thing) and you will be in a negative light if you don't succumb to the manipulation and parrot that back...it was almost like the jedi knight mind control out of Star Wars. Nice trick, even nicer that you didn't fall for it. grin

I am glad you are putting her off, but why do that dance? Do you feel it gives you a little payback at her expense since she so richly deserves it? It is still a toxic connection even if you feel you are the one pulling the strings, Red. Please stop responding.

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 13-Jun-13 13:49:44

I've only skim read this - and only your posts, but I don't think she sounds very nice either. I suspect she was encouraging the shy mums to confide in her and getting a bit of a kick out of binning people.

She sounds a little bit unstable to me. The school-gate dramas can be a bit of a nightmare (I would never have believed it pre-children) but I'm glad you've managed to see her for what she is. I'm sure your daughter will find new friends too smile.

Laura0806 Thu 13-Jun-13 13:24:25

Gosh was just thinking of you and how you were getting on. I didn't relaise your children were going to different schools, that will make things much better as you can start afresh and not have to see her again. Unfortunately my 'Alison' is at the same school with a daughter in the same class. Im really struggling as we get invited to all the same things as have the same mutual friends and so I have made efforts to make new friends and then I find she is now starting to befriend them ( I suspect on purpose). I can deal with being left out by her but when she has all the children bar mine round it is really upsetting for my child. Even though I know some of the mutual friends know what shes like they go along with her little meetings and social gatherings knowing how shes treating me and that really hurts too. ANyway, sorry for rambling on your thread. Really hope you can keep out of her way until nursery finishes

redandyellowbits Thu 13-Jun-13 11:50:20

springytate I agree, I think she is on the back foot and I am in control here, she is waiting for me to have a free spot when she can call me and explain her side of things. So far my responses have been one sentence - Sorry I am busy on Tuesday, maybe next week.

Any I get what you are saying though, that by feeding into her conversations I am prolonging the drama. I shouldn't have replied to her, but, like springy I had a little attack of the guilts (is she ok, she is being nice and trying to patch things up). That's just me, I would give people another chance. BUT, her saying 'I wasn't going to patch things up but I will' just serves to confirm her manipulative and narcissistic ways. I am providing a brick wall to her responses, and not falling over to invite her over or clear some time for her.

In all likeliness it will continue like this for the next few weeks till nursery term finishes. Then its summer holidays and our DC will be at different schools, so I will rarely if ever bump into her again. But she won't be able to say I blanked her, just that we never got the time to sit down and talk it through. I am fine with that as a conclusion to a quite frankly nutty friendship.

I wish I was as strong and sure of things in RL as I am on this board! grin

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Thu 13-Jun-13 00:16:19

Its not too late. She can still ignore and stop responding. Alison hasn't put the ball in reds court at all. It was in her court when she was ignoring her. Wendy's like to know that as soon as they click their fingers, their target will come start responding again and that's what OP did unfortunately. They like to know that they are still on their targets mind and in their head and by saying she was annoyed, OP confirmed that. Alison isn't running back. This is just part of what Wendy's do. Create the drama, revel in the drama, patch it up so they can do it all again.

I'm not saying this to be harsh, I'm trying to help. I've been unlucky enough to be Wendied/Alisoned several times in my life when I was vulnerable and Alison is following the same script. They end the "friendship" and get back in touch after a while because they miss having someone to make up stories to. They do it in a seemingly meek and mild "I'll understand if you don't want to and ill never bother you again" manner to make you feel like you might be in the wrong. So you (general you) reply. And then they switch back to being a Wendy (see Alison's sudden switch to blaming OP) and try to subtly make you take the blame for the whole thing. And then once you've talked it through she will say how she feels better for getting it out and she will suggest patching up the friendship after all. And after a big talk and clearing the air you think "ah why not". And the Wendying will slowly begin again.

OP, I really would just stop replying to her. Any response is a good response in her book so don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you've even given her a single thought.

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 23:40:38

Haha! bit late for that Amy

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't agree, actually. She's put the ball in your court * red* , you didn't gush over her, grateful to be allowed back into The Presence. That in itself spoke volumes. Now she's back-peddling, saying she wouldn't have blah blah ... so tiresome, I can't even be bothered to repeat it.

She's on the back foot imo. YOu don't have to play games. Being authentic is pretty ok in my book.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Wed 12-Jun-13 23:23:03

But, you've already given her the attention and drama she wanted by replying at all, telling her she had annoyed you and agreeing to meet (even if you don't actually meet). So now she thinks all these weeks of silence have been on her doing rather than yours and will be thinking she has power over you again. You should have ignored her.

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 22:36:39

Yes, I was tempted to 'forgive and forget to keep the peace' - but my gut got in the way and I was, shall we say, frosty . For a start, she called me on my landline (after a call to my mobile which I didn't pick up; then I discovered the present on my doorstep when I got home - I was back in The Presence!), knowing I don't see caller number on my landline phone. So that was a trick I didn't appreciate.

I felt vaguely guilty for a few days, wondered if she'd be ok (see? good friend material!). That passed I'm glad to say. I don't feel angry, I'm just glad to be shot of her. As I said, I went through the pain and I'd be an idiot to go back to it, expecting things to be any different further down the line.

Sounds like your life is opening up. Great smile

redandyellowbits Wed 12-Jun-13 22:25:48

springytate how funny that your Alison got in touch too! I'm glad you didn't forgive and forget, I must admit I was tempted to do so just to keep the peace.

I am not going to meet up with her, if she starts accusing me of x, y and z I won't be reasonable and cool (sadly), I am going to feel like I have to defend myself, and I'll end up getting caught up in her sad little world again.

Timetoask I realise now I was overly reliant on Alison's friendship as my family all live in a different city (but all very close to each other). I was, and still sometimes do, feel quite alone here.

But since I have ditched Alison this feeling has started to die down a little. Instead of looking for a replacement I am beginning to realise that it's ok to have lots of superficial friends or acquaintances where I live, and a lovely family further away who I speak to/text/email almost every day (even though I would move back in a heartbeat if I could!). If the alternative is having a too close friendship here where I am being dragged into someone else's dramas, I would rather not have that.

Spaghettio It's a great feeling to not feel burdened by another person and their dramatic life! - my sentiments exactly!

I am saying hello to some lovely mums on the school run and seeing other people in a whole new light. I was far too close to Alison and should have been enjoying the company of other people.

Since ditching her another nursery mum invited me to hers for a cuppa, and an old friend has also been in touch for a play date with her kids. I think these are coincidental as nobody knows I have fallen out with Alison, but whereas I probably would not have got round to visiting the new/old friends before (or have been seeing Alison in my spare time instead), I am definitely going to make the effort to see them both.

Sofasurfer thank you! She does keep running back to me already, and I am glad she feels bad for the way she treated me. But I keep reminding myself that, actually, she doesn't feel bad at all, she just wants to absolve herself of all responsibility blame the whole drama on me instead.

Ah, this feels good! grin wine

Sofasurfer37 Wed 12-Jun-13 20:11:16

I would defo wipe her from your life, you don't need friends like that, people like that are toxic.

i'm sure u will find that if u ignore her she will come running back to you anyway but tbh I would tell her to do one. she sounds like a child and an idiot for listening to school ground tittle tattle and not discussing it with you like a adult.

kick her to the kerb gf and find a true friend smile xx

Spaghettio Wed 12-Jun-13 20:08:03

Go red ! It's a great feeling to not feel burdened by another person and their dramatic life!

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 19:49:49

LOL Timetoask , my family are a seething bunch of vipers. Not all families are wonderful and true.

springytate Wed 12-Jun-13 19:47:04

Glad to hear back from you red

As chance would have it, the friend who blew me off also suddenly got back in contact, left a present at my door, said she was sorry - so-and-so had made her do it (I felt it resembled a teen movie at this point). I said 'what about you ?' and she said ' Me??! ' like the very idea she has personal responsibility was outlandish.

Really, I wouldn't bother with this woman. My friend has form for blowing people off and picking them up at a later date as if nothing has happened. Seems to be all about control, dangled on a string, pulling us backwards and forwards. I haven't responded to the present she left, said 'I'd rather leave it for now if you don't mind'. meaning I'd rather leave the relationship 'for now'. I've been through the hell and won't be walking into that again easily. Your eyes have been opened red , you've seen what she is about.

The only thing that concerns me is she might kick back somehow. As we're talking playground stuff. I wonder if you and I could meet manipulative headfuck 'friend' and be all reasonable but cool. Ah, some people seem to be able to pull it off <sigh> Perhaps we could write something 'reasonable'?

Timetoask Wed 12-Jun-13 19:43:36

And this is the exact reason why I only truly trust my DH and my sister. I would never confide about my personal life to anyone else. Friends come and go, family doesn't.

redandyellowbits Wed 12-Jun-13 19:29:10

I thought I would update, since I have some news!

I have had a fun-filled and very busy past few weeks, seeing family and friends over the half term and the weekends.

Although I was hurt by Alison's lack of invite to pop by on Tuesday for our regular get together with the DC, by the following week I had already forgotten that I usually went there on Tuesdays, and instead I spent the day at home with DD2 and DD3. It was quite nice to do that!

Anyhooo...just last week out of the blue I got a text from Alison - sorry if there has been any misunderstanding, I don't hold grudges, I hope we can move on from this. Please reply, if not I understand and will never bother you again.

Against my better judgement I did reply - There hasn't been a misunderstanding, this is the reason I am annoyed at you, if you can explain your actions to me I'd be happy to move on.

She text back - I can explain myself, no problem. But it's not all my fault, there are lots of things you have done, I want to talk to you about them all and why I am also upset, blah blah blah.

And the killer line from her was - I wasn't going to try to patch up the friendship, but as I can see you have questions that need answering and I can definitely answer them.

Errrrrm, if you didn't want to patch up the friendship then why are you trying to do so? I think she was a little put out at me not following her script and doing the chasing and mending this broken friendship.

But she is also trying to pin the blame on me for everything - ie if I don't meet her and the friendship ends, then that's my fault. She wasn't going to patch things up, but will do so because I have questions (which she didn't know about till after she tried to patch things up!)

I was civil and said ok let's meet, but I am busy at work and have no desire to catch up with her about this. She has text every few days asking if we can chat right now, and I so far have not taken her call. I simply cannot be bothered to listen to her version of the truth, I am sure she will have re-written everything in her head. I can totally, utterly, honestly say I have never been mean or intentionally upset her ever that I can think of. I think she just needs to lay the blame of this all at my feet.

Spaghettio I think I am nearing your position, and I am bloody proud of myself for doing so. She can fuck right off!

Spaghettio Fri 24-May-13 21:59:56

Another here who has been Wendied/Alisoned.

I've reached the point where I have a polite detachment with her, but I still have contact with her family (family friends not school mums).

I've felt such a weight off my shoulders since I realised I just had to let go of her and her drama llama ways. I feel so much better now and Ive reached the point where's really don't care what she thinks or who she tells lies to. I know the truth and I feel better for having her out of my life.

Soon you will reach this point too OP and you will feel sooooooo much better for it. (it's a little bit of heaven in your day to day life!)

All you Wendied people are well rid. You will learn from it believe me!

springymater Fri 24-May-13 20:47:44

gawd, I'm struggling a bit today with my situation - along the lines of 'how could I have let this happen/what's wrong with me/I knew the signs/what was I doing/what did I expect' sad

Glad you're feeling better/more proactive red

(pass it on will ya)

redandyellowbits Fri 24-May-13 20:21:41

sixpack weirdly, I really don't care if she tells her friends I am a theif outright! I just can't imagine her sustaining any long-term friendships so I'm sure any lies about be will become meaningless in the end.

shipwrecked you are right about me not following the script. I hope wonder if it will hurt her that I haven't fallen into line.

Sgt I have no doubt she will reinvent the truth and totally believe I did something as warped as she thinks I did.

I am trying to get my head around it all and come up with some witty cutting lines if she ever tries to come talk to me. But I know that's not going to happen, it's far easier for her to bitch behind my back than actually discuss this like a grown up.

Laura I know I will also struggle to act normally when I see her again. I'm going to park up outside nursery, and re-read this whole thread before I go in and bump into her. I think it will help me to remember I am totally in the right her and she is utterly deranged. You could try the same tactic?

SgtTJCalhoun Fri 24-May-13 17:12:50

I am glad you're feeling better OP. That text message though shock what a twat! You do realise that history has been rewritten though don't you? In her head "Alison" has decided she is fully justified in her behaviour because you "stole" her name. She probably doesn't even know what the truth is now. There's nothing concrete with these kinds of people. Total head f*cks.

I have to confess to a little snigger at the upset over "Leo's" personalities being denigrated. Wonder how all the Wendy's and Alison's are feeling? wink

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 24-May-13 16:17:40

I also think she is going to be a little put out that you are not following the script and pestering her over the friendship grin

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