Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

(201 Posts)
redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

magicstars Mon 20-May-13 11:32:37

know

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 20-May-13 11:56:19

This is her style.
You shouldn't really be surprised she has started picking holes in you too! Does she have any long-term friends? (I would be very surprised if she did).
Some people just don't have what it takes to maintain long or lifetime friendships. It's almost as if there is (sadly) always a 'shelf-life' before they start finding holes in things.
You say about her knowing personal details about your life. Presumably this is mutual?

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-May-13 12:50:07

"Alison is lovely

I dont think she is, sorry! she has a queen bee syndrome, and is clearly keen to shit stir
she also dumps people cruelly

OP I know its upsetting, but
HOLD YOU HEAD UP HIGH

really, she sounds mean, smile, and dump her back with a big fat smike on your face

what goes around comes around

xxxxx

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 13:03:21

I am amazed that so many people agree with her being a nasty character, I honestly had not thought of her this way at all, but your posts have really made me think and I am beginning to see her in a totally different light.

she has cemented your friendship by almost making you feel like this normal person who isn't like the hangers on she tells you of this is very true, she constantly said that people don't know how close me and her are, and it's because I am so chilled out, I am not always stalking her like the others etc.

I have also realised that we have not been out for dinner/drinks/normal friendship things I do with other people in nearly 3 years.

Every time we arrange something (always with other mums, not just us), she has always cancelled because something has come up. Usually because her kids are extremely poorly and have been vomiting all night, as they pick up bugs quite often.

Yet she did arrange and go on frequent nights out with school mums. So I am guessing she would then be telling them I am a stalker mum who keeps inviting her out and she doesn't want to go!

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-May-13 13:06:59

she sounds like a CUNT

I really hope you dump her right back, and find in time some better mates

and I hope people start to see her for the cunt she is too!

xx

A friend of mine named her DD the same as my DD.

She asked me if it was ok and I pointed out that my family didn't own the name. That's what your friend should have said to this imaginary mum at the school gate. What a flimsy reason to end a friendship. From your description she's a drama llama who goes hot and cold on people. It might have even elevated your friendship in your mind because of this: I.e our relationship is special because she wouldn't bitch about me / cold shoulder me.

I had a friend who did this to me too. Like you we have a strong mutual friend so it can be awkward at times. But don't bitch about her, stay dignified. But she's not a trusted friend. Move on quickly. Don't contact her again.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 13:16:04

Whether perhaps it's just personal preference but I wouldn't use a name that someone close to me had already used.... I certainly wouldn't consider losing a friend if they used dd's name though

I find the name drama a little childish and possibly unbelievable. I did ask her it it was okay to use her DDs name, but this was out of courtesy. I probably would have done so anyway and really don't see names as belonging to people. I even know two sisters who have named their sons with the same name!

My brother and my childhood friend both have daughters with the same name. My friend used it first, my brother loved the name and used it. My friend considered it a compliment, but it was certainly never an issue and it's never been thought about as a big deal at all.

I am now fairly certain it must be a made up drama for Alison, and an excuse to end the friendship because she does not have any other current dramas going on.

when I was out of the friendship I realised actually that I had put her on a bit of a pedestal without realising it. That i had felt more of a popular person by association but i was not really that important to her. This, sadly, may also be true for me. I was more sensible and chilled out than the stalker mums, why couldn't the weirdo mums be a bit more normal like me, - this was a common observation of hers.

I honestly do not behave like this in my real life. I am an idiot for falling for this silliness and am not going to get in touch at all. In fact I've spent all morning at a playgroup with other lovely mum friends. I just need to shake off this niggling sadness and sense of loss/loneliness and I will be fine.

Part of the sadness is because I struggle to feel like I belong in this city. I have no family or close friends in this city and she was beginning to feel like both with me. Which I now realise was a bit ridiculous.

I am going to try to spend this extra time I know have doing more productive things with my time. I usually spend Tuesdays at her house so our DCs play whilst we natter, tomorrow I am going to find a new playgroup or new outing and will ask some others along.

DH is abroad for work this week (leaving tomorrow) so it'll be time for me to have a think about things in the evenings whilst he is away.

scarletforya Mon 20-May-13 13:19:54

Sorry you're feeling so shitty OP. But you are really better off without her.

The minute I read the following, I knew what the rest of the post would be about;
^they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.^

That's her spin. Do you know what I mean? That's the way she's framed it. She's the type of person who has to feel 'in demand' and that people are just desperate for her company.

People like this are a type. Predictable. Always listen to how someone speaks about others because that's how they will be speaking about you. She churns people. Honeymoon, you're so special. You're so different. Keep you at a distance. You're suffocating me. Insert excuse (aforementiontioned spin) Cut them off. Replace with new victim. Rinse. Repeat.

You'll know the type when you meet them in future.

She is busy getting everyone to believe her version of reality at the moment. IE, that you are a stalker who stole her childs name. Some probably will believe this I'm afraid. Just the same way as you believed all those stories of all these intense stalkers that she had to fend off at the school gates.

All you can do is move on. People will find out what she is like themselves.

Great post by Scarlet

Cheer up OP, you're honestly better off without her and you're less alone than you were with her as a "friend" .

kerala Mon 20-May-13 13:57:41

Scarlet described my one of these to a t. The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.

Since my experience with one of these I am much more wary of lively fun glamorous types who have no old friends. So learn from it every cloud and all that.

There's always mumsnet meet ups grin

Glad to hear you've seen sense, us vipers have our uses.

Lavenderhoney Mon 20-May-13 14:16:42

I knew what this was going to be about as soon as I read your post!

This happened to me! New area, the most popular mum made a massive effort to be my friend and I was so grateful. She did make a thing of inviting me for coffee in front of others or as a secret. Then one day, totally out of the blue she was so rude to me and stormed off. I wasn't even talking to her, we were in a mums group.

I text to ask the problem, none of course, then forever after she was off, rude and if confronted, said " no there's no problem"

Other mums just said she's like that. And to ignore her. I did. I think she just used people til she got bored and moved on. I saw her attach to another new mum and the same thing happen.

Ignore her, make new friends and carry on. It's horrible to feel you trusted someone and shared.

Its nothing to do with anyone what you call your dc. It's just a moment in time, you could move areas or anything. I don't understand asking anyone's permission to use a name. It's just an excuse for her I expect.

Spice17 Mon 20-May-13 15:40:37

Just wanted to add that a similar(ish) thing happened to me. I do have a comment to the OP at the bottom, have just realised I've written an essay!

I had a very close friend who I was incredibly close to. She had a nightmare BF who also happened to be DHs mate and that's how we met.

When I say nightmare, they had a very destructive relationship that wasn't good for either of them but he ate at her self esteem too.

Anyway, after a million conversations I had with her about maybe splitting up being for the best etc, one day she saw the light and did it - and then completely disappeared from my life sad This was after always saying to me (almost pleading with me) that we'd still be friends if her and BF split.

The sad thing was I was in the early stages of pregnancy when this happened and she hasn't spoken to me since then.

I went through many stages, angry being the first, I felt like she had almost 'duped' me into friendship, then indifferent, thinking of how many other great friends I have but now I just feel a sadness.

It really gets me sometimes, more that I care to admit to anyone, especially as she loved kids and she would have enjoyed spending time with DD.

I know cutting my losses is the thing to do (she did invite a LOT of drama into my life) but I do miss her lots and don't quite understand why she cut me out. Find myself wondering if I was a rubbish friend.

Sorry OP, my point is (finally!) that if you think it's worth repairing, do it/have it out now, I certainly wish I'd done things differently.

Spice17 Mon 20-May-13 15:47:43

Sorry, one of my main points was going to be that I also met this friend in a new city and she was the ONLY friend I met here that I had a real connection with, so doubly rubbish (for both of us)

Mumsyblouse Mon 20-May-13 15:50:39

The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.

This is sooo true. I had this happen to me recently, and I consider myself someone who would be quite perceptive and certainly old enough not to be fed a line, but I just didn't see this person for who they really were. I felt like a complete idiot at my age to be taken in, but quite glad that it was over nothing serious. I think if you are a friendly nice person, and someone acts friendly and nice to you, then you just assume they are that person. But I do agree with everyone who has said- listen to what this person says about their other friends, and if they don't have many/complain/laugh at them (to bond you together) this is a bit of a warning sign that it will repeat with you.

Back2Two Mon 20-May-13 16:01:33

I've been moved to post, although I do believe you have been given some excellent advice and you seem to be listening which is great in this situation.

Just remember, all those girls and boys in our playgrounds years ago just got older and not all of them grew up. She is still stuck in her playground.

And also, that I have encountered a couple of toxic people since I began making friends as a mum. I think we get often get thrown in with people because out children play together and we are quite keen for company and friendship yet the "roots" of the friendship can be quite shallow because of this IYSWIM.

Most importantly, in my experience I felt a million times better once out of the "toxic" mummy friendship I had and when I had perspective I was able to see clearly how I'd been used/manipulated. But she still winds me up from time to time (very rarely now!) and I get angry enough to want to have to have imaginary conversations with her in my head offloading my "side of the story". I just had to be strong for a few months never to bother offloading it to her in real life as it would have fed her fire.

Interestingly, when I knew her she had no long term "old" friends as in her words they were always "bitches". She only had very new friends and each of those frazzled out in a short time.

Good luck x

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:06:06

The difficult thing is if you are a straightforward decent person who has always pretty much had straightforward decent friends and family you are utterly knocked for six and bewildered by this treatment and you don't know how to deal with it.
This is me.

I felt like a complete idiot at my age to be taken in
And so is this.

But I have been thinking lots, I definitely don't want to rekindle the friendship.

Just going to playgroup and then school run today I bumped into two mums I have always got on with and thought were lovely.

Alison told me one of them was a stalker-mum and was jealous of my friendship with Alison, and the other one Alison said she had a really weird conversation with, and that she was strange.

The more I think about it, the more bitchy and shallow she seems now. It's amazing that this seems to be a real 'type' of person that lots of you have experienced and not a one off strange person, it's like a badly written episode of Eastenders!

There is a weird sense of freedom in thinking I won't speak to her again, I won't stress out about what I might have done wrong, and whether she will come to my DDs bday party. Cos I don't intend to renew the invite when/if she talks to me again.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:10:28

Back2two - she has had 3-4 big falling outs with her 'friends' in the 4 years I have known her. Each time because they are accusing her of not having time for them - ie their stalker-ish behaviour, and each time its resulted in her never speaking to them again.

So that's one a year on average. I guess 2013 was my year!

SixPackWellies Mon 20-May-13 16:13:06

The statement someone made earlier about it being 'your turn' now of who she falls out with really rang true for me. i had a 'friend', who always made friends with the new people in town. Seemed lovely supportive, funny, interesting, was always falling out with people. Then she fell out with me over something totally trivial (I could not go out to her place on Sunday, so suggested saturay instead) and it was the total freeze, and telling people i had 'betrayed' her. I was devastated. When i brought this up with someone they just laughed and said 'Oh, you've had your two years then?'. Total pattern. best of friends with someone for 2 years, then freezes them out.

Think of it like this. There is a common denominator in her dramas and falling out with people. It is her.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:14:16

And also, that I have encountered a couple of toxic people since I began making friends as a mum. I think we get often get thrown in with people because out children play together and we are quite keen for company and friendship yet the "roots" of the friendship can be quite shallow because of this IYSWIM

This is so true.

redandyellowbits Mon 20-May-13 16:18:45

This thread is great! I added in all of the relevant details to my original post so that you could point out where I had gone wrong or where the misunderstanding lay.

I didn't for a minute imagine she was a cow and I was quite upset and wanting things to go back to as they were.

And now I am really beginning to see things totally differently and genuinely feel better off without her.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 20-May-13 16:24:06

I had a friend like this. We were both expats and very close - when she was taken to hospital, I was the first person her husband called, she looked after my kids, I looked after hers, we socialised a lot. We moved countries and continued to "talk" a lot on FB - almost every day. Then one day I noticed that she hadn't just unfriended me, she had blocked me too (but had bizarrely kept DH as a friend). I emailed her to ask her why - just said something along the lines of "I was going to tag you in a photo, but noticed you had unfriended me - why?" She emailed back and said "We can still be friends in real life!!!" But virtually the only interaction we had was on FB. I emailed back and said "Actually, I think it's quite a hurtful thing to do." I didn't hear back (didn't expect to) and deleted her contact details and have had no further contact.

A couple of mutual friends said that "she likes to be the Queen Bee" and "she didn't like it that you were funnier than her on FB." hmm And one of them has just received the same treatment - unfriended and blocked. She asked why and was simply told "life moves on."

Looking back, the patterns were the same as with your friend - she had "dumped" another friend just before we became friends...and so the cycle continues, I'm sure.

pebblepots Mon 20-May-13 16:24:10

it sounds like she was trying to stop you making friends with other people. I had this many years ago with a girl I knew at school. She was a nasty emotional bully.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 20-May-13 16:25:07

And yes, you will be better off without her!

Notsoblonde Mon 20-May-13 16:25:51

Dont feel bad about losing her, the name thing is an excuse and she seems to be the one with the problem, not you, I have had intense friendships and tbh one of them ended stressing me out, same sort of scenario, when the friend talked about everyone else but I didnt think I was being talked about, but I will bet I was, I have a few close friends now, one from school and they are my best friends, the ones you can pick up with anytime and its not an issue smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now