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I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

(201 Posts)
redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

kerala Sun 19-May-13 22:24:19

Poor you. I had this happen to me in my early twenties met a friend at law school shared a flat, both single, were so close had lots of fun. I did think it odd that she had no old friends then I found out why I was brutally dumped for no reason that I could see nothing had changed. Some women are vipers sadly they are often warm and funny so you don't realise until its too late. Move on and don't compromise your dignity.

VBisme Sun 19-May-13 22:25:22

I don't believe in the talk of the school gate mums, I think she's making it up, she sounds like a drama queen - ignore her, pity her, but don't waste any more time on her.

Scruffey Sun 19-May-13 22:27:28

I'm not surprised you're upset about it. That's perfectly understandable.

However, it would seem like the friendship is done. I would not chase after someone who treated me like this - I just wouldn't contact them again. Don't give her the ammo to badge you as a stalker mum. There are stalker mums about, but ime there cannot possibly be as many as Alison has encountered all in one place! She is the problem, not them - you can tell by the numbers!

Mourn the friendship in private.

Don't worry about your dd, the girls will still chat at nursery etc. I would particularly advise against suggesting to Alison that you should do things for the sake of the girls. It would just look like an excuse to stalk her. Even though you haven't been stalking her!

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:28:35

I spent all of Friday really upset about this, and really want to move on from this.

Tbh its a relief to read your replies and quite interesting to see this from an outside point of view.

I have never thought of her as a nasty person - quite the opposite in fact. But this is all making me see things in a totally different light.

I think you are right about liking/creating the drama, she does fall out with a lot of people.

I hate the thought of her slagging me off to school mums for something I can't defend, but I will just have to not think about that.

SavoyCabbage Sun 19-May-13 22:29:38

I've got a friend a bit like this. She creates drama out of very little and also talks to and makes friends with everyone she meets. Everywhere we go she gets someone's life story. Due to this, people can sometimes think that they have a closer relationship with her than they do.

I would just carry on as normal. Don't apologise for anything.

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:30:38

Mmmm...I can sympathise with not wanting to be slagged off, but people may be wise to her by now too - or if they're not, they will be.

You should go and find some of the 'stalker mums' and make friends with them. I bet they're really lovely maybe I am one of them!.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:32:47

I'm definitely not going to chase the friendship, I felt like I lost my dignity a little when I carried on texting her as normal over the weekend.

nametakenagain Sun 19-May-13 22:35:40

No, OP, you don't sound stalkerish, you just sound sad about the friendship. Alison does sound like she's enjoying the attention, but she might see sense. In the meantime, I agree with rest, don't contact her at all, and be a bit reserved when she contacts you.

BonaDrag Sun 19-May-13 22:35:44

You say she's nice. Well she doesn't sound it. If you have a friend who slags off other people a lot, then you can almost guarantee you get slagged off too when not in earshot.

Honestly, she sounds like a fantasist and quite fucked up. It hurts, I know (I've also been dropped by a so called friend a few years ago because I wouldn't go clubbing on her birthday..) but you are better off out of her poisonous atmosphere.

KenDoddsDadsDog Sun 19-May-13 22:36:52

I don't believe the school mum gossip thing either . I think she is making it up. Hope you are ok OP.

tigerdriverII Sun 19-May-13 22:37:46

You are better out of it, however horrible it seems now. I had something like this with a work "friend", who for years was a close friend, all was fine. But she had lots if dramas with colleagues and at the beginning of the work relationship, did really shaft me, tho I didn't know it until later. She was very career focused and decided not to have children. When I had DS, at 40, she dropped me like a stone. In fact the only thing she said to me after he was born was (and I quote): "does it sleep".

I am much happier without this poisonous person in my life.

williaminajetfighter Sun 19-May-13 22:39:44

I've had similar things like this happen and it can be gutting, sometimes worse than ending a relationship with a man.

An honest friend would confront you with their concerns whatever they were especially if she values your friendship... and its a shame that she didn't. It is quite cowardly of her to act like this.

You've tried to get to the bottom of this and I doubt you'll ever get a straight answer. Put this out of your mind and try to focus on developing new friendships.

whethergirl Sun 19-May-13 22:53:45

Tbh I'd avoid using the name of someone I was close to dc's, for my own dc. I can understand why she's a bit put out about that wow, really magicstars? No-one can exclusively own a name! I find that quite ridiculous. My ds has an unusual name and I'd be flattered if someone chose it for their own dc.

Anyway, OP, you sound like a very level headed, emotionally balanced person, but I don't like the sound of Alison AT ALL. I would not trust her version of events either, I think she has either made up this gossip or given you a totally warped version. You think you know someone...but sometimes it can time to see a person's true colours.

What kind of a person throws away a good friendship over nothing? She's not right. You're bound to feel upset, but I think she's better out of your life, making room for someone more genuine and deserving of your friendship.

Don't waste your time trying to understand this situation, there's nothing to understand. It doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense! Accept that and move on.

redandyellowbits if the school mums have any sense they'll know what she's like. If not then who gives a shit what they think?

Pancakeflipper Sun 19-May-13 23:00:45

I don't think any other mothers have been saying stuff about you. This is her cooling off cos she plays with friendships and likes drama in her life.

Don't let her upset you. She will run out of people to play this game with and you will make genuine friends.

Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 23:05:04

I think it's extremely unlikely they said you reminded them of the stalker-ladies, because that would mean Alison had told lots of people she had stalker friends and I very much doubt she would say something like that to a whole group who would see through it in five secs You only have her word that they phrased it like that, and she's the one that sees stalkers where none may exist!

OP, get a good night's sleep, I think you can move on from this one now, perhaps moan to your husband about it, not any of the other mums. If anyone asks you what happened (like Jane)- just say the truth 'I don't really know, we're just not close any more' and leave it at that.

She must have finally run out of people to have dramas with, so needed to "sacrifice" you to get her "fix". She does not sound very nice. It was bound to happen. Let her drift. If she changes her mind, just tell her you dont need fickle fair weather friends who listen to gossip and blow hot and cold, and move on.

Looksgoodingravy Sun 19-May-13 23:10:04

This must be so hard. Like a double blow because it not only involves what you thought of as a close friendship but also your dc lives are also intertwined and your fear of what this will do to your dd upsets you also.

With regards to your dd, they are still at nursery together so this won't alter. I'm sure your dd won't notice any difference.

As for Alison, as hard as it feels now sure it's for the best that you hold your head up and be friendly by as distant as she has now become. She's explained what the 'problem' is and has dropped you just like that! That's not the behaviour of a nice person (as she's meant to be) that's pretty awful behaviour and I take it Alison is of similar age to yourself?

You live and learn I suppose. I can sympathise with how painful this must feel but you're better off without someone who can act this way.

Does your dh have an opinion on this?

Rowlers Sun 19-May-13 23:12:16

I think the stalker ladies are all in Alison's mind.
Face it, even if she lets you back in to her perfect world, you've now seen her true colours and the friendship you thought you had is gone forever.

piratecat Sun 19-May-13 23:33:25

she sounds like she has commitment issues. she likes things her way and only survives things on her terms. she has cemented your friendship by almost making you feel like this normal person who isn't like the hangers on she tells you of. but there aren't any stalkers op they were prob people who wanted to make friends with this seemingly outgoing person. who actually is not what she portrays.
i had a friend like this. when i was out of the friendship i realised actually that i had put her on a bit of a pedestal without realising it. that i had felt more of a popular person by association but i was not really that important to her. because she started treating me like your friend is treating you.
i gave up pretty sharpish on her when she hurt my feelings.

not worth it.

cerealqueen Sun 19-May-13 23:43:32

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Basically, she is charismatic, reels people in, (particularly vulnerable people it seems) then when she has finished playing them, dumps them.

Step back, get busy with other friends and leave her and her mind games at the school gates.

sleepyhead Sun 19-May-13 23:49:58

I don't believe there were any "stalker mums". She sounds like a drama queen who likes novelty and variety in friendships and then cuts people out when she gets bored.

Tbh, she sounds like the odd one. You're better off out of there.

bbqsummer Sun 19-May-13 23:58:05

I've had a couple of similar incidents with 'friends' whom I thought were just that; in fact one with a school mum last week, which upset me no end. Her ds is also good mates with my ds. So I feel for my ds as he will not be going to hers for 'tea' anymore and her ds will not be coming to mine.

I explained to ds that we don't need or want nasty people in our lives and if someone is mean to him or me, the best thing is to cut them out and walk away.

Having given myself a stern talking to, I've simply decided not to bother with any of the school mums anymore. Just polite hellos and passing comments about the weather.

I'm blessed to have a small clutch of wonderful lifetime friends scattered around the country who will never crap all over me nor me them.

There are a lot of very shitty people in this world OP. Fact. They gossip, they slander casually and they enjoy inflicting hurt and damage usually because their own lives and minds are stunted. I wish them all well but they won't be drinking my tea or eating at my bbqs anymore. Be strong op. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 20-May-13 10:17:37

I agree about school mums. I tried making friends with the ones at dd's school but I HE one of my dc and am a lone parent and this seems to be a real problem for some. A close friend of mine told me I was being gossiped about amongst these Mums and it made me really irritated. I never confided in depth to anyone about anything so what they didn't know they made up! There was me thinking we had these low level, positive interactions going on when it clearly meant a LOT more to them in an info seeking kind of way.

So now I don't bother with any of them. A smile and a nod is all they'll get from me.

magicstars Mon 20-May-13 11:31:31

Whether perhaps it's just personal preference but I wouldn't use a name that someone close to me had already used.... I certainly wouldn't consider losing a friend if they used dd's name though.
OP you aren't alone being fazed out by tthis woman. I liked the advice to get to lnow some of the others she labelled as 'stalkers' (!) you'll prob find they had similar experiences to your own.

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