Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New partner needing 'time'(952 Posts)
I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.
He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.
However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.
We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.
It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep
It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.
Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.
He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.
I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.
Does that make sense at all?
Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.
PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.
this one. I didn't understand the 'janitor' reference at the time, I was just in tears (sorry) at the implications in the posts, that people were sick of me.
Then I looked at this thread (I was looking for Bof's post, on the other one, in search, and this came up too) a couple of days ago and I realised that they thought I was the OP here.
I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't.
People can assume I'm lying if they like, but that's not what I am like. Perhaps that is the sort of behaviour people expect - I don't know why - but I don't do it.
No, I'm not the OP - that was why I posted.
I have an extra o in my name because I deregistered the other week after posting a thread about being single for ages, and I got the impression from one or two people that I was resented for something or other - maybe asking too many things on here, starting too many threads, and not understanding when people tell me what is wrong with me.
If I were the OP here that would mean I'd lied about my children's ages among other things - but if people really think that's what I am like, then perhaps I ought to leave again.
I only came back because I was reading threads about random other stuff and kept wanting to advise people, so I tried to put it out of my head what was suggested on my last thread (May 26th ish I think) and registered again, hoping I'd find I wasn't resented/disliked.
That is a bit waffly but I HATE being accused of lying and when I read this thread and saw Bof's comments I thought, Oh God, that's the problem, she thinks this is me - and so I posted to say that it isnt.
I have no idea who the OP here is. I do not lie about this sort of thing (or anything else, except possibly to say someone's hair is nice etc)
Please do as I suggest and ask MNHQ if you think I'm sockpuppeting on this thread (or indeed elsewhere!) as I think they will be able to state that I'm not the OP.
I am typing in a rush because I've just seen this and have to go to school in a minute but please believe me when I say I'm not the OP - why on earth would I lie about that, you all know what a twonk I am already.
Rooney, why have you got an extra o in your name ?
I thought so, but who knows / cares / does the fandango
And that makes it Ok Pinky?
Confused: here are two short rules to help you with social cues -
1. never, ever, EVER tell people you don't know about your past. NEVER open up such private things to people you do not know are safe. Only talk about your deep wounds to: GPs, nurses, priests, counsellors or psychologists.
Although you don't understand the need to have boundaries and to protect yourself, follow rule 1. because it is golden.
2. People say confusing things, because it keeps your legs open. They are not confused, they want sex. They are doing it, to confuse you.
Please OP, you are very troubled and you need to see a counsellor. Good luck.
I think if you rtft you'll find far 'ruder' posts than mine.
No worries OP.
Pinky that's a really rude post.
jan5 try reading the thread? The OP is a total loon.
There are plenty better guys out there and being single is better than being treated like that. Good luck.
Going to get in trouble now for dredging this up but thanks Rooney - have no idea who you are or what your other name is, but thanks for replying anyway
Oh and this is probably checkable if you want to report me for sockpuppeting...!
OP I hope you are doing Ok.
I was just reading this thread (while searching for another one) and wondering if Bof thought you were me, under another name...the bit about being a bit autistic and having a small baby (and a crap history wrt relationships) made me think so.
If that's the case then Yes I have a small baby whom I am enjoying very much, and I'm not the OP, nor am I with anyone at the moment (or actively looking to be, though it makes me sad that I'm not iyswim)
I hope that helps if it's at ALL relevant which of course it might not be.
pinkyyes it was deliberate.
Molly - said that ages back...on holiday with my mum.
And I've been in touch with womens aid in the past thank you.
All the over analysing the OP's past posts is making me quite uncomfortable now tbh.
Where are your children, op, as the third day of this bullshit draws to a close?
WhataLark one of the OP's older threads was asking about bumsex with an older man, and had many twists and turns about age in relationships but someone posted 'so really you want to know how to get a 60yr old bloke to take you up the Marmite Tower'
I said I don't think his idea of being 'happy to keep in touch' is going to be enough for you, somehow.
So I was right, wasn't I? You only got through a few hours before you started texting him and phoning him. You managed to keep him on the phone 'chatting' for over an hour - in other words, pleading with him, seeking validation and pointlessly and needliy going over and over ad nauseum the minutiae of this non-relationship.
He said he'd 'keep in touch' and you took that as thinking it was ok to ask him to meet your lunch in a few days time.
What will it take to make you realise he has broken up with you? When he says loud and clear that if he sees you it will only be to use you for sex (and to his credit he is trying not to do that) which bit of that are you not hearing?
I've said a few times today that I'm not continuing with this guy.
What more can I say?!
Well you've said that, and things like it all the way through this thread. But then you go back on your word and with no sense of embarrassment or shame you regale us with the contents of your next ten texts of needy drama-llama nonsense. You don't give this guy more than 24 hours of breathing space. He is telling you loud and clear in every way he can, that he does not want a serious relationship with you. What else do you need him to do/say before you will believe him?
Kato, who is Marmite Tower Man?
I have tried to read all of this but it may be actually beyond my capacity for maing any sense of it at this stage. Ofred's last post made the most sense. CVS I was wondering when it would cut out and am shocked to see it at page 38...is the OP still with us.?
Words fail me. I'm hoping forumDonkey will write another song invloving a dusty santa's grotto....
Join the discussion
Please login first.