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New partner needing 'time'(952 Posts)
I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.
He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.
However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.
We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.
It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep
It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.
Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.
He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.
I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.
Does that make sense at all?
Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.
PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.
Op! Stop. All these long messages about someone who is not into you. Just walk away
I know, but I just asked how 'normal' people would have handled it, if they thought that too many arguments were getting them down.
I need to know for the future - I do wonder whether I'm autistic or something (as is my little boy) because I have a hard time working people out.
akaWisey - I said that too though, possibly first; can't remember now. Either way at the time, it felt right an natural on my part, then I realised that my feelings couldn't have actually been that strong so soon, so I backed off a bit from it all.
And stop trying to ' understand him'
Trust me - he's not doing anything to try and understand you.
It sounds like you could be a little bit co dependant and you obviously like him more than he likes you. Don't let yourself be treated this way
Standards yes ?
please take a step back from this relationship - just to give yourself time to think clearly. you say you're confused, so ploughing on as things are is hardly going to help. it will just add to the confusing feelings.
what does your gut tell you? don't ignore your inner anxiety, it's coming up as a warning that something isn't right. you will just invite more pain into your life if you don't listen to it.
akaWisey - still confused, in that case.
If most people would have handled it in the same way, then how do you know he's controlling/ a liar?
I've already said, I've said and done things to 'test' him at times, saying it's finished and then changing my mind when he said he didn't want it to end...yes not ideal but that was my insecurity and I was working on that - but it just seemed like my small steps weren't big enough for him.
if he's broken and wants you to fix him, then he will want you to be like an unconditional mother to him, pandering to his needs and mood changes. is this really what you want in a partner?
I remember your other threads. You were repeatedly told that it would be a very bad idea to get with him, on both of the threads (if I remember right you did a 'fake' one first, with false details, then posted up the real details on the next thread). You didn't listen, even though everyone told you he was using you and it wasn't right.
The same is happening here. Everyone is telling you EXACTLY the same. He's not worth it! You are dragging your kids into a very ugly situation for them- all it takes is for one of them to have a nightmare and come through, and they know MR so-and-so from school is there. What issues does that cause then? He might not be in their class, but he'll be about in the playground, or class assemblies. All the while, he's not sure if he wants to be with you, but keeping you on a string. So, so confusing for your kids, it doesn't sound like you're having any fun- are you really THAT desperate for a boyfriend?? Man up and call it quits already.
'Normal' people might ask themselves why they're having so many arguments and they might try and figure that out with the person they're arguing with.
Your bloke isn't doing that, in fact he's telling you you're not allowed to figure it out with him because he's avoiding the issue.
Go to baggage reclaim and you'll see yourself there, I suspect. I agree with the other posters who suggest you stop trying to analyse him and look at yourself. It's beginning to sound like both of you are commitment shy otherwise I reckon you'd have binned him off as soon as the first red flag hit you in the face.
OP I'd bet my months salary that I'm right about him.
Because you have described exactly that kind of bloke in your post.
I don't think he's that into you. He's either a cynical player who loves the thrill of the chase and says what he thinks you want to hear because he loves the idea of a woman being besotted with him, just so he can dangle you on a string in a bit of power play or:
He's a self-absorbed drama llama who needs to grow up and stop acting like he's a cast member in Gone With The Wind.
You've been an item for less than a month.
Don't waste one more minute on this guy.
He has issues, but it isn't your problem to sort him out.
Dump him now.
There are decent men out there who want to have a normal relationship.
Took me a while to wade through the nobbers, but I did find one in the end.
You are worth more.
OP, I mean this quite seriously.
He's a headfuck. However nice he is & great it may be at times. You have 3 DCs to manage & need that like a hole in the head.
I'd been an lp for a long time before I met DP & would've rather been single (and was, most of the time) than have to deal that on top of everything else!
Hope you're ok. It sounds very intense, which I bet makes it harder for you to stand back & take a good hard look at the situation
And as you know, words amount to nothing if he can't follow through with his actions...
(And it's unreasonable at best that he's expecting you not to air your grievances with him until you next see him).
OP try this old saying:
Thanks...no I wont be bothering with relationships anymore - I told him when I first met him that I'm not a relationship sort of person; I'm quite insular and my children are my family, I don't need anyone else.
I've been single (and genuinely happy with it) for the best part of 4 years, gave this guy a chance as there seemed to be a spark straight off the bat and we seemed to 'fit' together - our beliefs, interests, etc.
Its just the fact he said last night that if we just cool it off a bit, give ourselves some time to miss each other (text but nothing more) for a few days to a week, then meet up the weekend after next and go out for a drink (something we haven't done yet, so it's been very intense as we only meet up in my house at night!) then we will get to know each other properly and hopefully the arguing will stop.
That's how he worded it, and it sort of made sense to me, that's all.
(That was the nice, mature version. I'd personally feel like telling him I was sick of hiding for him & the fact that he's happy to leave things on a shit note whilst he gets his shit together & enjoys me hanging around for him. NOT. A. CHANCE )
There are nice blokes out there!!
But this guy is not right
in the head for you.
Hope you have a nice few weeks not having to pretend you're hunky dory with everything
TheOrchardKeeper well, he didn't actually say that...he didn't say a lot to be honest, just that we need some space from the arguing and then I'd said we couldn't see each other for 2 weeks as he's away next weekend, he didn't say anything to that so I assumed he was agreeing, and then he said he wanted just nice, random "how are you" type texts so I figured that meant I wasn't meant to talk to him about us.
Lots of assumptions going on...
Oh. Other threads....
Was this the one where you messaged one another on FB for ages, or played online scrabble or something, but there was some issue with other people/family that meant you were destined to be star crossed lovers, or something? And you'd arranged to go out to the cinema with him but it turned out there were family members there as well? Or am I getting muddled up with someone else?
Either way - he's wasting your time and he will never commit to you. It's as clear as the nose on your face. Give it up. Move on. Stop indulging in this daft fantasy. If you allow this to continue I can tell you exactly what will happen. He will keep you dangling (possibly for years) while he 'gets his head together' or whatever it is he says needs to do, but he'll keep coming back at regular intervals, sleeping with you, confessing undying love etc, just to make sure you are still waiting for him.
Then one day he'll tell you he's terribly sorry but you'll he's met the love of his life and he won't be visiting for his therapeutic shags any more.
It sounds like he's skirting the issue that's bothering you though. Your point of view on it is very understandable and his seems much less so, which is why it seems very unreasonable of him to be annoyed at you.
That's how it all seems from what you've posted anyway. Sorry if I got that wrong?
OP I want to add this:
Why do YOU want to entertain a bloke who at the very least blows hot and cold?
Why do YOU tell him you love him after only a few days?
What do YOU get from a relationship where at least 50% of your most important 'conversations' are conducted via texts (the laziest form of communication there is).
What do YOU want? A series of disjointed, intensely confusing and frustrating encounters with a man child or a serious and lasting relationship with someone who may not give you that 'thrill' of not knowing what's going to happen next, but who will want a commitment from you?
I wouldn't even bother with those messages, OP. Use the two weeks as your chance to go 'cold turkey'- get him out of your system.
(Skirting by not seeing you much...and it almost sounds like he's withdrawing to get you to not bring it up/feel like you can't bring it up. May be way too cynical for my own good but it sounds that way).
Ah, x posted. So you're probably well matched then. Good luck with that.
So he is telling you what to say in texts to him basically.
Why doesn't he just text himself then
the sad bastard - sorted!
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