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New partner needing 'time'

(952 Posts)
confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 15:54:37

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep sad

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Good grief it all sounds very intense and bloody hard work for someone you have been seeing for a month shock

I can't imagine what is so attractive, he sounds very needy and high maintenance already and he expects you to appease him an awful lot.

So many red flags that it looks like bunting TBH.

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 19-May-13 15:58:44

he's a dick. this is never going to be a healthy, grown up relationship as he's only concerned about suiting himself. get out now!

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 15:59:05

I'm sure someone much wiser will be along shortly, but I think he sounds like a prize twat who wants to keep you dangling and massaging his ego while he decides if he can be bothered!

Sh1ney Sun 19-May-13 15:59:42

What a whole heap of absolute tiring nonsense . Why would you even bother with this aggro?

Tell him to sling his hook. And then concentrate on finding someone who is free to take you out and behave in a normal fashion instead of all this bollocks. A month in and he's like this ? God , imagine a year of it. He sounds weird, needy and selfish

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 15:59:57

He's not relationship material, sorry.

This sort of game playing is a great big red flag, and could keep you on a string for ages if you let it.

It might be because he's got baggage from the split, or it might be because he's a twat, or it might be some other reason. Unless you want to be nurse/psychotherapist, I suggest this is time to draw a line.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 19-May-13 16:00:33

God he's hard work! Of course HIBU. It's not going to get any better, these odd requests come from a strange mind.

Why are you putting up with this crap? A month in should be all new and exciting, not arguements and ball ache already. Just ditch him.

Playerpleeease Sun 19-May-13 16:02:16

So everything's your fault and he wants you to make it better?

Over the top utterings about losing you and hurting?

Not being seen in public with you because of a random family member?

You've been together month, you are not responsible for his feelings, run for the hills.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 19-May-13 16:02:18

He sounds like a nobber. Sorry OP.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 19-May-13 16:02:53

He sounds like the ex of a friend of mine. He's a dickhead too.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:03:45

You see, that was my thinking.

It was all very much "I love you so much" the first week, I got a bit caught up in it too and there was talk of living together in the very near future, then I caught sight of myself a bit and it's actually ever since then that these arguments have been getting worse - because the fact he is so changeable is causing tension between us.

He keeps telling me he needs me to only say what he means; but if his feelings had waned over the past week, then why on Friday night did he share my bed, have sex with me and say he "couldn't lose" me?
I asked him that and he just kept saying that he can't not have sex with me if I'm in the bed with him - which wasn't actually what I was asking - and then he started saying he knew he should have stood up for himself and not come over Friday night (even though I hadn't pressured him into it - I did in the morning, but he had martial arts training at 8pm until 10, and before he left for training I'd told him that if he didn't feel up to coming over afterwards, then he didn't have to...his reply came across as really panicky; he replied "don't do this!!! sadwhat do you want me to do?!" I thought then...calm down love! lol).

The argument on Friday evening actually came about after I'd opened the door to him, smiled, said hi, he came in and gave me a kiss then handed me a bottle of cider to go and open, so I did that.
About an hour later he asked if I wanted him to go or stay, I said it was up to him and he took offence at that, saying I wasn't showing enough positivity or enthusiasm.

Just seems like he always wants more than I can give sad

Ponyphysio Sun 19-May-13 16:04:41

Just re-reading OP's post, he souunds like my ex!! If his initials are CC run like the clappers!!

Shellywelly1973 Sun 19-May-13 16:04:57

Where's the fun in this?

You deserve better then this. It sounds like awfully hard work!

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:05:12

Whoops...replied to the first post and suddenly all these replies have turned up in the meantime!

FightingFires Sun 19-May-13 16:05:22

Sod that! He sounds like a nightmare!

I'd not bother texting, calling, anything. Leave him to his drama and get on with your life.

If he's like this now, imagine years of it. It won't change. And there are normal (ish) men out there if you keep looking.

Good luck

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:08:23

To try and give both sides, when we got caught up in this thing in the first week - where we both thought we felt like it was something special, really strong feelings etc, he had started putting things in place; he had spoken to a friend of his and said he was seeing someone, and sort of suggested we go out with this friend and his new partner, we went out that weekend - just me and him with his dog and that was lovely, we went for a long walk in the country while my mum had the kids (as she always does on a sunday), and then he had said that the following weekend we would go out with the kids and move things along from there...but that never materialised as we argued (cant remember what about now) and he then started saying he wanted to just start 'dating'.

I think that as it started off so intense, that then suddenly trying t start just going out once a week and him not staying over, is silly.

That's when he accused me of wanting everything "too soon" :/

kllews26 Sun 19-May-13 16:09:33

He's not that into you. Run away don't walk, he's an idiot with baggage and issues

GoodbyePorkPie Sun 19-May-13 16:09:38

"It was all very much "I love you so much" the first week

he just kept saying that he can't not have sex with me if I'm in the bed with him

About an hour later he asked if I wanted him to go or stay, I said it was up to him and he took offence at that, saying I wasn't showing enough positivity or enthusiasm."

My God he is a nightmare! He is playing games with you, expecting you to jump through his hoops to prove your devotion. It's only been a month - do you have the energy to do this for the next five years? Ten? Because he's not going to change!

Sorry, I got to the end of your 4th paragraph but by then I was too blinded by red flags everywhere to read any further.

confusedisitme Sun 19-May-13 16:11:45

lol pony, no they're not - but my ex before this guy was very controlling and manipulative/violent so if you ever meet a man in his 50s with initials PD then you run away as quickly as possible too ;)

I'm trying to see this from his point of view too...hence posting here.

I think he's being unreasonable expecting me not to talk about 'us' and just texting him for the next - well he hasn't even said how long, all I know is he's away next weekend, work means we can't really see each other weekday evenings as we both end up exhausted...but last night he said if I'd just left him alone and just been positively texting for a few days, chances are he'd have been texting me by Thursday saying he missed me like crazy and wanted to see me, as he's away at the weekend.

If he didn't want to finish things, then in your opinion what would have been the best way for him to go about fixing us - rather than the way he has gone about it?

mrsmarples Sun 19-May-13 16:12:14

Can I suggest you visit the baggage reclaim site by natalie lue? Your chap is in there under 'future faking' 'mr unavailable and the assclown', 'flip flapping' and god knows how many other blogs.

He's a knob, I know it, the other posters so far know it and so do you.
a MONTH IN and he's seriously testing what he can put you through in the future - until he decides you're 'hard work' and he dumps you without so much as a glimpse over his shoulder.

Ditch and move on OP.

The idea of relationships is they are meant to be fun.

Is this fun?

Didnt think so. Time to call it a day.

Leverette Sun 19-May-13 16:13:11

He's a psycho arsehole

And probably in a relationship already

He should be proud to be seen with you, why have you tolerated being kept a grubby secret?

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 19-May-13 16:14:28

Run as fast as you can. He is needy, immature and a jerk. The minute you are unable to give him your undivided attention he will look elsewhere so save yourself the heart ache. I am speaking from experience by the way.

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