DH and I have been together about 15 years, married for 5. We have a DS aged 18 months.
About 3 years ago, DH lost his job. Since then he hasn't worked. This had some positives around us having a child as it meant he got to spend a lot of time with him etc. He is an excellent father and adores DS.
However, DH has steadily become more depressed and isolated over the 3 years. He is now at the point where he has no job, no friends, no social life, never goes out, never wants to do anything and his confidence is at rock bottom. His family live 300 miles away and he is not hugely close to any of them.
For a long time I have been trying to get him to go to the GP but he won't. He has a history of depression since childhood. He is clearly depressed. He also drinks way too much.
We have had relationship problems for a while. I work FT. DH doesn't work at all. He looks after DS two days a week whilst I am at work but the other three DS is in childcare or at my mums so he is in the house on his own all day. He doesn't do much in the way of house work at all, or look for jobs, just plays PC games. This has caused on-going issues between us as I am exhausted. I get up with DS 6 days a week and he had been going through a really early waking stage. The split of things has been really unfair and it has been getting on top of me.
This came to a head on Friday night. DH and I had watched a film and shared some wine. I had been up since 6:30am and at work all day. DH get pressuring me to stay up later and later to have some 'time with him'. We eventually went to bed about 1:30am and I was exhausted and knowing I would have to get up with DS.
DS woke about 3am. I tried to wake DH to go and settle him as I was too tired and would have to get up with him in a couple of hours. I couldn't wake DH because he was drunk. I have no excuse for this but I lost the plot and started hitting DH (lying down in bed, sort of flailing at him IYSWIM). DH did wake up, settled DS but we had a huge row and all my built up resentment came out.
The next morning, I got up with DS about 7:30. DH woke up about 9:30 and decided he wanted access to my facebook account. I refused for a bit but the row became intense and DS was there so I gave him my password.
DH went through all my e-mails. I have been in contact with my ex for several years and we keep in touch via e-mail and play Scabble on facebook. DH has know about this and has been ok with it. However, in my e-mails there was (several months ago) a period where my ex and I exchanged a few very emotional emails regarding our break up. (It was messy and I had an abortion). There was no suggestion in these e-mails we wanted to get back together (we don't), but they were emotional and personal. The rest of the e-mails are pretty banal (how's work etc). There is no sexual content in them, although we might have some carry on style banter when playing scrabble (e.g, you came first again? You've not changed etc). Childish and I will admit it is sort of flirty but there is no intent behind it on either side.
The last couple of e-mails between us however have cause an issue. I was in London the other week which is where my ex works. We vaguely made noises about meeting up for a coffee although in the end neither of us could manage it as our schedules clashed. My meeting got moved when I was down there so I e-mailed my ex and said "I could meet you for lunch today". He emails back he couldn't as he had been caught up. End of. He emailed me later that night when he was on his train home asking what I was going to do in London that evening and I replied I hadn't decided and was at a loose end as I was on my own
DH took those to mean we HAD met up. I think he now accepts we didn't but the is still furious that I did not tell him. I said there was nothing to tell him as we didn't meet up. He thinks I should have told him I was planning to (but I wasn't as we already knew we couldn't meet up due to both being too busy). If I had told DH we would have told me I couldn't and it would have caused a huge row, so given we didn't meet I didn't think there was anything to tell.
DH went ballistic and smashed up the house. I had to get my parents to come and take DS to the park. We had a huge row.
We have managed to talk and get to a point where we are talking and DH has agreed to go to the GP on Monday (I had phoned 111 at one point as he was talking about killing himself but he wouldn't speak to them or go to hospital). DH has also agreed to go to relationship counseling. We have both agreed we want to fix things. DH is in a sate and has been sobbing a lot. I am very worried about him. He has changed my facebook log in so he has my password and set it so he gets an email on any activity and this morning I noticed he has been playing Scrabble against my ex on my log in (so pretending to be me) which is just weird.
I am sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I am asking. I want to fix things but I don't know where to start. DH is still furious with me and saying he can't trust me, I feel like he is trying to create an issue to distract from the real problems, but he has agreed to the GP and counselling and also agrees he wants to fix things. He is so depressed though and has been crying saying he's scared he isn't capable of changing or getting better
I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be great. Thank you.
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I'm not even sure where to start
catgirl1976 · 19/05/2013 10:56
Oh Catgirl 
I'm sorry
Are you 100% sure that fixing things and staying together is what you want?
Thank you both 
I am sure. I love DH. I want him back to how he was and I want things to be back to how they were. I'm just scared we can't get there.
Hi Cat. Have no advice for you but am going through a similar situation regarding the not working/housework/depression issues.
It's a horrible feeling and things have been coming to a head recently in similar ways to what you describe. I've been advised to put myself and my DS first - very difficult I know when you are worried about others.
Have a and a 
and a hand to hold
Oh gosh, this is a crap situation. I can see both sides to this though because I am the female version of your DH. I suffer from depression, mostly because i am unemployed and my self esteem is rock bottom, meaning i am insecure. I would go mental if my DP was in contact with his ex, which is double standards actually because i have facebook contacts from scrabble actually who i flirt with - DP knows about it, and is just 
because he knows its just banter. if it were the other way round i couldnt cope.
I am not defending the smashing up of the house, this was very wrong, but i too have been in rages due to my depression - I am getting help now.
It is brilliant news that he has accepted that he needs help and is going to the GP and maybe the meltdown has made him realise for himself that he needs help. There is help out there and i think he would benefit from counselling and a course of ADs, but that of coures is for him and his doctor to decide. Tell him you will go with him if he wants you do, or just wait outside, or let him go alone - he has to want help so if you force him into it, it wont work.
You did wrong by hitting him, i am sure you know this, but i can sense your frustration, it is so hard living with someone like this me. When you are both calm, could you maybe talk about strategies to avoid the meltdowns and rows? It is not good for your DS.
Why is your DS in childcare three days a week? Being at home with no disstraction is really bad for your DH - i know because i am having to do this now, my DD is at school and being at home all day is making things worse. To be honest, unless he is doing something with that time then i would actually insist that he takes care of DS full time! Maybe it would be good for your DH to do some voluntary work during the time when DS is in nursery?
I really hope he does follow this up and go the the GP, otherwise i think you are going to have to give him some rather harsh reality checks, as in, if the violent outbursts continue then you would have to consider a split, for the sake of your DS. I know this seems unsympathetic because its not his fault he has a Mental Health problem, but he must at least try to get help. He needs to take some level of responsibility for himself. Oh and alcohol + depression = bad! ( i say this but i do use alcohol as a crutch 
) it makes it worse.
I really hope you manage to sort things - he needs to get a job (as do i) but he needs to get his self esteem back on track before he can do this.
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I would insist that he stops drinking. If you weren't paying for childcare 3 days per week ypu coul afford a room in a shared house.
I have had severe depressions I few times in the past and I have to say you are enabling him
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