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Sister's Dh has been lying to her for their entire relationship

(32 Posts)
TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 13:41:08

She's asked me to post for advice.

When they met (six years ago) they talked about drug use, he has friends who openly use coke and she is anti drugs after a horrible experience with her dopehead ex.

He said that he had tried coke once, didn't like it, and although his mate was a user he avoided it.

There have been a couple of occasions over the years where it's come up again, and she's asked him outright whether he uses coke, he's assured her he doesn't and that he thinks his druggy mate is an idiot for it.

So they got married two years ago, bought a house and now have a five month old baby.

He has not been brilliant at curbing his social life, and has continued to go out most weekends, he'll go out at 3pm and stay out until closing time. My sister has obviously been disappointed and upset by this so was having a moan to her friend. Her friend said, come on, you know why he stays out so long. Dsis said, no, she really didn't. And her friend said, look, we should have told you before but he's a massive coke head.

It turns out that EVERYBODY in their circle knows this. Dsis's 'best friend' was actually introduced to him as 'this is X's DH, he does coke but X doesn't know and you mustn't ever tell her'.

They've let her marry him and have his baby based on this lie.

I could fucking murder him. I am also extremely angry with her so called friends, who have colluded in this fiction.

I had no idea and I'm usually quite good at sniffing out coke people (pardon the pun), I knew his tosser mate was a user the minute I met him.

When she confronted him he did that thing of only admitting so much, so over the course of the last week it's gone from 'only did it once or twice, never around you, never in the house' to 'every weekend, at home when you're in bed (with their baby around ffs), sneaking off to toot in the loos when we're out together'.

She told me yesterday and she was broken, she was talking about leaving him, but this morning they have talked and are going to work it out.

He maintains he's never spent money on it (I don't believe him but she does, they have separate money). She is on maternity leave and selling stuff on ebay to make money.

I have no idea how to help her, other than just to be there. I am disgusted with him, it's not so much the drug use that bites, it's the lying, he is obviously a very accomplished liar, he's lied to all of us and so have all Dsis's fucking 'friends'.

Please talk to me about this, I am wrung out and so sad and I need to support her.

Namechangingnorma Sat 18-May-13 18:37:53

i know of a couple just like this, the husband is a raging coke addict, the wife has no idea and no-one tells her (I have only met them once so barely know her at all). He has lost his business, got £50k in debt (gambling as well) she knows about the gambling but still not about the root cause the coke. Personally, I just couldnt understand how she never realised, with his changes in behaviour etc etc but she doesn't. Anyhow, sounds like your brother in law has a real problem, her only way to put a stop to this is to make him leave until he is clean and stays that way. my dh is a recovering coke addict, he was a couple of months clean when I met him and I made it clear if he ever touches a line I will leave. Not because I have a problem with coke but because I won't enable an addict. Hope it all get's sorted out.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 18:16:37

I've never really 'got' him and her, tbh.

He is a big drinker, football obsessive, proper lad type. And he has some worrying controlling tendencies around housework and food and stuff.

But she has been blissfully happy with him and we all grew to love him because she loves him. This has come as a real shock to all of us.

He has a fairly unhealthy (IMO) relationship with his Mum, she's fairly obsessed with him and they drink in the pub together, she phones them and tells Dsis to 'let' him come out for a drink, they've painted my sister as the little nagging wifey at home.

My sister barely drinks and is the archetypal doting wife and mother, she keeps house and cooks and cleans and was so proud of her lovely little bubble of life. She's young, 25, they both are.

He has had to come clean to his Mum about the drugs which is a huge thing, but I don't think she'll be much of an ally as she is an alcoholic and an enabler.

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 17:52:50

Ah right, I get you.

I thought you genuinely bought him, but you were just being loyal.

I don't know how you are going to manage to go back to that.

This seems to big to ignore.

I really feel for you. If this were my sister I would be angry confused hmm mithered by this.

I think maybe, although you need to support her, it might be time to take off the loyalty coloured spectacles.

I couldn't go along with the idea that he was a decent man who treated her well, but just had one tiny drawback, anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:40:49

The sad truth with these kinds of situations is that you can't make your sister do anything she doesn't want to do. So be patient. She's had a very big shock and right now she'll be in that 'mad' phase where her world seems like it's crashing around her ears. Up to this point she was happily (ish) married with the house, the baby, the whole nine yards.... 'living the dream'. So she'll cling to what she knows i.e. him, in a desperate attempt to keep her little family together. She'll be frantically rationalising that she can live with the coke use, the money situation, the lies... etc. It's daunting thinking about being a single parent to a five month old.

And I say 'be patient' because it's going to take some time for this news to sink in. When it does and when she's had chance to think this through, think about all those friends talking behind her back, the lies he told, the contempt for her little family... you could find that she absolutely hates his guts and some tiny last straw 'thing' will be the end.

So don't be angry with her because she's in a really bad situation now and doesn't really know what to do for the best. Tell her you're there for her when she's woken up to the six foot of bullshit he's shovelling.... and then wait for the inevitable.

Good luck

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 17:12:52

I absolutely agree with you, AThing. Believe me, I have never subscribed to my sister's belief that he's a wonderful husband and father. But she was happy with him despite the pub thing so we overlooked it for her.

And I only found out about the separate finances yesterday.

It's all a big mess.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 18-May-13 16:06:26

I agree with cavort s suggestion to start using drug tests.

Your friend has to decide if she is prepared to live with a coke head or not.

If not, then she should get him to take a test every few weeks. He has broken her trust so, if he is at all repentant, he should be happy to do this for her (and their child)

Your friend might want to test for other drugs while she is at it. sad

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 15:54:58

Maintaining his "pub lifestyle" once they had a child wasn't treating her well.

Maintaining separate finances while she was on maternity leave and having to take on cleaning work to make ends meet wasn't treating her well.

He must be quite charming to have convinced you to overlook that evidence of a shitty, selfish husband.

The fact that he also turns out to be a lying drug user should really be confirmation of what you already knew.

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 15:51:27

He doesn't treat her well though, does he?

Ma

DontmindifIdo Sat 18-May-13 15:50:03

If he wants her to believe him, then he needs to log into his bank account and let her look - if he has large cash withdrawls regularly (which he will), he can explain where the money went.

Also, if he's using that regularly, then the basic minimum I would insist to allow the marriage to continue was that a)he gets help to stop using (saying he'll just stop isn't enough, he has to go to the GP and say he is using and ask for help) and b) he never goes out without her.

He'll probably say no to these conditions, but then he doesn't believe she'll actually throw him out.

Thumbwitch Sat 18-May-13 15:43:10

What UniqueandAmazing said.

She really should leave him to it. I had an ex who lied and lied and lied about everything, he didn't do drugs but he was shit with money and kept borrowing off me. Like a fool I fell for it, even though at heart I didn't really believe him - I wanted to trust him. He told me that his new motorbike had been paid for by his boss, of all people! and that a friend was paying for lessons for him - yeah right. BUt it is astonishing what you can make yourself believe when you want to - in the end though, it's all just shit.

She has to leave for the sake of the baby, if not for herself. So sad - and she should get away from that circle of so-called friends too - if not one of them had the guts to stand up and tell her before she got completely involved that the guy was a lying cokehead, then none of them are worthy of the name "friend". Bastards.

Is it wrong of me to wonder how he can be a massive cokehead and she didn't notice though? Surely there are signs?

Nehru Sat 18-May-13 15:39:47

i know of a relation who was living with a functioning heroin addict for years without knowing.
He worked away, she had NO CLUE.
Kids, everything.

Been there done that

And the whole in the pub for hours on end eventually turns to days. She is best shot of him even atleast till he gets clean.

MooseBeTimeForSpring Sat 18-May-13 15:38:19

What a bastard. If he's planning on being open and honest with her then he needs to be showing her his bank and credit card statements. If he refuses then he's hiding how he funds his habit.

He also needs to be kicking his mate to the kerb. Time to choose his wife and family over his friends. If he won't then I think she has her answer, sadly.

I hope things recover but I can't see this ending well.

Cavort Sat 18-May-13 15:31:20

I assume she's told him he needs to stop immediately? I think your Sis should buy some of these or similar and test him every time he comes back from a bender. Once a liar always a liar but she needs to find this out for herself.

1) he's paying for it himself
2) he's a lying scumbag
3) she's broke because he's buying drugs
4) he knows this and yet continues to do so

clam Sat 18-May-13 15:20:03

Why on earth would his friend be funding his coke habit? What'd be in it for him?

SofaCanary Sat 18-May-13 15:10:28

Your sister needs to open her eyes, this cretin is never going to change his ways, they never do.

Bitter voice of experience talking here.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 14:58:55

Quite possibly.

He maintains that his best friend (I cannot stress how much I hate this man, by the way, he is the worst kind of scum) funds him. I can't see it, personally, but my sister is choosing to believe this.

SofaCanary Sat 18-May-13 14:47:00

Could he be dealing it to friends, pub regulars and stuff to fund his habit?

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 14:38:19

I think he will spin it so he keeps her and keeps his habit.

I was married to a liar,and it is the most draining thing. Out of all the abuse my ex doled out, the violence, the drugs, the nastiness, it was the lying that exhausted me and ground me down.

I'll look up the Venus centre and see if we have one locally, thank you.

Offred Sat 18-May-13 14:37:05

The Venus centre we have is for all kinds of issues, you wouldn't need to self-identify as abused to go (nor do you with WA but they are better known). If you have a women's centre like Venus then I think that'd be easier for her to handle perhaps?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 18-May-13 14:29:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lemonies Sat 18-May-13 14:24:53

24601 if the 'friends' have covered this up for him how can sis stay with him and stay sane!

When he gets more adventurous and starts injecting sis and baby would be massively vulnerable.

Cunt is right.

Good luck in getting rid of the twat, sooner the better imo.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 14:21:47

It is abusive, isn't it?

She won't agree.

To all intents and purposes hes'a lovely guy. Works hard, treats her well. We all thought his flaw was the pub lifestyle that he leads, and my sister accepted this as part of who he is.

But as it turns out he's been lying about something quite fundamental for the whole time.

If he'd been honest with her from the start she could have made an informed choice, he's taken that choice away from her.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 13:57:57

Cabrinha - I asked whose idea was that in case it was all his to hide how much unexplained expenditure he had. I wasn't judging people who keep their finances seperate by mutual agreement.

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