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Sister's Dh has been lying to her for their entire relationship

(32 Posts)
TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 13:41:08

She's asked me to post for advice.

When they met (six years ago) they talked about drug use, he has friends who openly use coke and she is anti drugs after a horrible experience with her dopehead ex.

He said that he had tried coke once, didn't like it, and although his mate was a user he avoided it.

There have been a couple of occasions over the years where it's come up again, and she's asked him outright whether he uses coke, he's assured her he doesn't and that he thinks his druggy mate is an idiot for it.

So they got married two years ago, bought a house and now have a five month old baby.

He has not been brilliant at curbing his social life, and has continued to go out most weekends, he'll go out at 3pm and stay out until closing time. My sister has obviously been disappointed and upset by this so was having a moan to her friend. Her friend said, come on, you know why he stays out so long. Dsis said, no, she really didn't. And her friend said, look, we should have told you before but he's a massive coke head.

It turns out that EVERYBODY in their circle knows this. Dsis's 'best friend' was actually introduced to him as 'this is X's DH, he does coke but X doesn't know and you mustn't ever tell her'.

They've let her marry him and have his baby based on this lie.

I could fucking murder him. I am also extremely angry with her so called friends, who have colluded in this fiction.

I had no idea and I'm usually quite good at sniffing out coke people (pardon the pun), I knew his tosser mate was a user the minute I met him.

When she confronted him he did that thing of only admitting so much, so over the course of the last week it's gone from 'only did it once or twice, never around you, never in the house' to 'every weekend, at home when you're in bed (with their baby around ffs), sneaking off to toot in the loos when we're out together'.

She told me yesterday and she was broken, she was talking about leaving him, but this morning they have talked and are going to work it out.

He maintains he's never spent money on it (I don't believe him but she does, they have separate money). She is on maternity leave and selling stuff on ebay to make money.

I have no idea how to help her, other than just to be there. I am disgusted with him, it's not so much the drug use that bites, it's the lying, he is obviously a very accomplished liar, he's lied to all of us and so have all Dsis's fucking 'friends'.

Please talk to me about this, I am wrung out and so sad and I need to support her.

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 15:54:58

Maintaining his "pub lifestyle" once they had a child wasn't treating her well.

Maintaining separate finances while she was on maternity leave and having to take on cleaning work to make ends meet wasn't treating her well.

He must be quite charming to have convinced you to overlook that evidence of a shitty, selfish husband.

The fact that he also turns out to be a lying drug user should really be confirmation of what you already knew.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 18-May-13 16:06:26

I agree with cavort s suggestion to start using drug tests.

Your friend has to decide if she is prepared to live with a coke head or not.

If not, then she should get him to take a test every few weeks. He has broken her trust so, if he is at all repentant, he should be happy to do this for her (and their child)

Your friend might want to test for other drugs while she is at it. sad

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 17:12:52

I absolutely agree with you, AThing. Believe me, I have never subscribed to my sister's belief that he's a wonderful husband and father. But she was happy with him despite the pub thing so we overlooked it for her.

And I only found out about the separate finances yesterday.

It's all a big mess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:40:49

The sad truth with these kinds of situations is that you can't make your sister do anything she doesn't want to do. So be patient. She's had a very big shock and right now she'll be in that 'mad' phase where her world seems like it's crashing around her ears. Up to this point she was happily (ish) married with the house, the baby, the whole nine yards.... 'living the dream'. So she'll cling to what she knows i.e. him, in a desperate attempt to keep her little family together. She'll be frantically rationalising that she can live with the coke use, the money situation, the lies... etc. It's daunting thinking about being a single parent to a five month old.

And I say 'be patient' because it's going to take some time for this news to sink in. When it does and when she's had chance to think this through, think about all those friends talking behind her back, the lies he told, the contempt for her little family... you could find that she absolutely hates his guts and some tiny last straw 'thing' will be the end.

So don't be angry with her because she's in a really bad situation now and doesn't really know what to do for the best. Tell her you're there for her when she's woken up to the six foot of bullshit he's shovelling.... and then wait for the inevitable.

Good luck

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 17:52:50

Ah right, I get you.

I thought you genuinely bought him, but you were just being loyal.

I don't know how you are going to manage to go back to that.

This seems to big to ignore.

I really feel for you. If this were my sister I would be angry confused hmm mithered by this.

I think maybe, although you need to support her, it might be time to take off the loyalty coloured spectacles.

I couldn't go along with the idea that he was a decent man who treated her well, but just had one tiny drawback, anymore.

TwoFourSixOhOne Sat 18-May-13 18:16:37

I've never really 'got' him and her, tbh.

He is a big drinker, football obsessive, proper lad type. And he has some worrying controlling tendencies around housework and food and stuff.

But she has been blissfully happy with him and we all grew to love him because she loves him. This has come as a real shock to all of us.

He has a fairly unhealthy (IMO) relationship with his Mum, she's fairly obsessed with him and they drink in the pub together, she phones them and tells Dsis to 'let' him come out for a drink, they've painted my sister as the little nagging wifey at home.

My sister barely drinks and is the archetypal doting wife and mother, she keeps house and cooks and cleans and was so proud of her lovely little bubble of life. She's young, 25, they both are.

He has had to come clean to his Mum about the drugs which is a huge thing, but I don't think she'll be much of an ally as she is an alcoholic and an enabler.

Namechangingnorma Sat 18-May-13 18:37:53

i know of a couple just like this, the husband is a raging coke addict, the wife has no idea and no-one tells her (I have only met them once so barely know her at all). He has lost his business, got £50k in debt (gambling as well) she knows about the gambling but still not about the root cause the coke. Personally, I just couldnt understand how she never realised, with his changes in behaviour etc etc but she doesn't. Anyhow, sounds like your brother in law has a real problem, her only way to put a stop to this is to make him leave until he is clean and stays that way. my dh is a recovering coke addict, he was a couple of months clean when I met him and I made it clear if he ever touches a line I will leave. Not because I have a problem with coke but because I won't enable an addict. Hope it all get's sorted out.

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