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Close to breaking point (long and complex) help please

(120 Posts)
BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 11:49:38

I don't know where to start with this, only that I'm so close to the edge I can see the abyss.

My situation is so complicated with so many facets I can't really think straight. But here goes.

DP and I have lived together a year, I have DS 14, he has DS 8 and 5. Recently moved to council house after being given notice to quit on last private rental - had only been there a year.

DSS's have been sexually abused by mother's ex-partner. Police investigation now concluded, waiting for it to go to court. Accused is convicted offender already, mother knew this. Mother took caution for neglect.

DSS's have BIG behaviour issues and possible SN (under assessment). Both on IEPs and under Child In Need orders. Cannot get counselling for them until case has been to court (poss disclosure issues).

DS 14 has now clashed with DP. DS came in late Thursday night, I had a go, DP intervened when DS got nasty. DS grabbed DP by throat, DP called police. DS accepted a caution.

DS is a "school refuser". Attendance currently under 50%. I am working with school, TAC meetings in place. CAMHS involved, but DS won't engage. DS's father will not have anything to do with him, he is "too ashamed".

Have just concluded long court battle with DP's parents who did not like him moving in with me and tried to get joint residency. They failed. They have weekly phone contact (Fridays) and fortnightly letters with the boys.

DSS's have fortnightly visits (supervised by me/DP) with their mum. Sometimes, like today, their Mum's parents come too. They also have to be supervised as they were classed as having been groomed. They are all here today.

DP does not work (many reasons), I'm a home carer and work about 30 hours. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, bill-paying, admin, organisation, homework, reading. Absolutely everything. I write all the letters, deal with all the legal stuff. I even pay his ex maintenance out of my bank account for his other 2 boys, who he can't see at the moment. His ex has a new bf and won't allow him in the house (yet another story). DP is on JSA and is going on a course that should get him back to work. He sits on the lap top ALL DAY every day. Between work, running the house, meetings for children, court and more, I have NO TIME. I'm shattered.

I'm behind with bills, I work my tits off and I get no help. DP is depressed and on ADs. My relationships with my son, family and friends are suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and got diazepam. Already on ADs myself and have another appointment monday.

I've had enough. I rang work and took the weekend off. Never done that.

I'm the one holding it all together. I think I'm going to break.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long, I am grateful. If anyone can help me make sense of it all...?

forumdonkey Sat 18-May-13 12:43:27

If I was you I would leave the relationship to concentrate on your own DS.

I've no doubt that you are doing your best for everyone in awful circumstances especially your poor DSS but try taking it from your DS perspective. His DF has disowned him - complete rejection from someone who should love him unconditionally and his DM is battling and fighting for 2 other children that are not hers to stay with her. Your DP and his DS move in . There is little wonder he is clashing with your DP, what has he brought into your DS life from his perspective? - him, 2 damaged children with EBD issues, who quite rightly need a lot of support for what they've been through, court cases, stress, his attention from his DM took away etc etc. No wonder the lad is playing up and rebelling.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:44:10

I know you are drained and don't have the headspace today but you need to tackle with your DP how you mean to go on.

you've hit a wall, living like this is unsustainable. your partner's selfish and lazy behaviour needs to change and they need to understand ASAP that you will not continue living like this.

OP you do sound lovely & very caring, I wish I could sit you down and make you a brew

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:45:17

Random that's a really good idea, I will try that.

Orla I can't borrow any money. I would prefer a council house. I've rented privately for 10 years and had to move 7 times during that time, because the lets have been cut short - selling/wanting house back/moving relative in. Very unlucky. I need security more than anything. I can get on the list, but they are like gold dust round here.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:46:26

don'tyou thanks I'll have tissue while you're at it. Have now reached blubbing point x

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:46:41

sweetheart get on the list. now.

and don't be surprised if the list of chores thing is unsuccessful.

VodkaJelly Sat 18-May-13 12:53:13

just one quick point, why are you paying maintenance to his ex? If you have 2 of the DC's and she has 2 then it is balanced out and no maintenance should be paid. And as DP is on JSA he is only liable for £5, but again shouldnt be paying due to having 2 kids each.

My exsil took my brother to the CSA for maintenance for their DD who lived with the exsil. When the CSA rang up to assess my brother he said "What about the other 2 kids that live with me?" She had failed to mention to the CSA that the other 2 lived with him. As they had shared the residency no money had to be paid.

I know this is the least of your worries but it is something else that you are being screwed over for.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:54:44

I agree with OrlaKiely in lots of ways but presenting him with the chores is a wake up call and you will know that you gave him the option to try and make the relationship work.

"Why did she leave"
"Oh because I refused to do 75% of the chores even though she worked I don't"

It really isn't much to ask of him if he isn't prepared to that then he isn't going to consider even tackle the much bigger issues that need addressing.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:56:27

Actually if dc are split then each has to pay the other maintenance but yes dp should only be paying £5 per week and he should be claiming from his ex for the two with you.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 12:57:00

tissues are at the ready xx

you will get through this, you are getting good advice here from people who want to help.

if listing the chores is unsuccessful then am afraid you will need to prioritise the list... with him firmly at the bottom or out the door

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:59:20

Thanks all, I have to head out now as it's all getting too much. I feel like my home has been taken over. I will catch up later, going to drive to the woods and sit and read for a bit.

Think a cross between Shameless and Bread - that's what my kitchen is like just now sad

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 13:01:19

I'd imagine when you got together with this guy your friends said things which are similar to the things we are saying now - you've taken on too much. This is a broken family, you are going to be sucked in to a neverending drama. And that was before your DP decided to check out of the relationship and sit on his arse all day.

Your DSSes have been failed by every single adult in their lives. I understand that you don't want to become another one but you cannot save them on your own. You don't have enough power - you can't limit the damage caused by their crap mother and father, their crap grandparents. And that's the before you start on the actual abuse they've suffered.

God knows, when your DS said he wanted to be a 'proper family', I don't think he had this in mind.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 15:48:10

tribpot you're right about my friends. I'm a fixer, always see past the tricky bits to the good in people. Tbf, I didn't know half of what I know now. DP is actually a good father in terms of his dedication to the children and love for them. He's bowed out of the practical stuff though.

He's hiding in his games.

I've bought a spanking new notebook to write down all my thoughts.

I'm so torn as to doing the right thing for everyone. Ironically, DS is in a great mood today, chatting with DP and being really nice.

Thank you all for the advice. I need all this stuff pointed out to me.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 15:52:59

DP hasn't showered for 5 days and rarely bothers shaving. I've just realised (sitting on bed) it smells in here. Sheets were clean on Sunday. Will have to change them again sad

Funny how it's the trivial things that tip you over. Maybe he is depressed?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 16:08:54

Stuff him, you're depressed - or well on the way to being.

If I was in your position, with NO biological tie, or any obligation at all to these people, I would not stay - I couldn't cope with it.

I can barely cope with my own kids and issues let alone a bunch of people who were only interested in using me as a pawn between them.

If you had any shared children or stuff like that I could understand it but you don't! You hardly know them all - I don't understand why you are staying.

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 16:27:39

Good fathers don't bow out of the practical care of their children, let alone ones who've been through what these children have suffered.

There is no point looking for a solution that will magically please everyone. It doesn't exist. You have some hard choices to make. Which is why your friends didn't want you to get into this situation in the first place.

Do reach out to them - they will understand.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 16:30:18

he may well be depressed but if he doesn't do the minimum of practical stuff to help out you will end up down there too and worse.

Add daily showering to his list of chores!

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 16:30:49

Too ashamed now. I will have to talk to DP but doubt if I will get anywhere.

I DO know the children. I'm staying because it's hard, if not impossible to go. We only moved in 6 weeks ago.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 16:33:35

God I wish DCs mum and family would go. I know they need to see their mum but this is hell. They all shout at the top of their voices. The TV is really loud. They have not taken the DC out AT ALL, even into the garden. DC will be a nighmare tonight.

I'm moaning now. I bore myself.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 16:42:02

Ok love. Re 'impossible' I think you need to contact the council, and ask what they suggest. At least then you'll know what the options are. See what I mean?

Sitting there miserable going 'I don't think I can leave' isn't going to get you anywhere, but once you speak to someone and ask if it's possible, you might have a better idea.

Presumably the alternative is to stay for ever and I wouldn't recommend that smile

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 19:39:34

I know it's not impossible. I'm just sick of moving house, on top of everything else. If anything, I wish HE would go. But it would be terrible for the kids. Its terrible for me and DS. See?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 20:09:34

Yes I see and I get you on the moving thing, it is utterly stressful at the best of times. Twice in a couple of months is pushing it - but then, going to somewhere that was just yours, no one bothering you, no court and all that nonsense, well it might be out of the frying pan and into an oasis of calm iyswim?

I am really, really sorry for you. It sounds like a hideous situation but it's not one you HAVE to be in. And if there is anything we can do to help you get out of it, then please just shout xx

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 20:10:09

Is t he house in both your names?

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 18-May-13 21:14:40

sorry if I've missed it but why does the DCs mum & family have to come round to your house to see them anyway? shouldn't the DCs go to hers?

It sounds v.stressful having them there, taking over your own home, using kitchen, blaring TV etc and you not knowing when they will leave. they sound like inconsiderate people.

orla's right, you don't have to put up with this situation. I know moving house is a pain but if its short sharp pain for longer-term peace & happiness, it will be worth it.

DippyDoohDahDay Sat 18-May-13 22:51:33

Op, having just read your thread, I think there is a lot more to come from you, I can picture you sitting there, new issues dawning on you. You are carrying too much. If you fall apart, what then for you and your son?
Your dedication to your dp's dc is clear and understandable, but as another poster said, you can still support them even if you are not there. It really sounds like you are being massively taken for granted and your posts about approaching dp drip of already being defeated and not being heard. You, however, are a very strong woman, who needs to believe she can re find a bit of her oomph, to get heard and taken seriously. Do it before you lose your oomph and struggle to find yourself x

tribpot Sun 19-May-13 10:22:52

Orla they don't exactly have to come to the OP's house but the visits must be supervised by either OP or OP's DP (which in reality means OP). So on a practical level it kind of has to be in the house (although I would be pushing for the use of a contact centre).

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