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Close to breaking point (long and complex) help please

(120 Posts)
BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 11:49:38

I don't know where to start with this, only that I'm so close to the edge I can see the abyss.

My situation is so complicated with so many facets I can't really think straight. But here goes.

DP and I have lived together a year, I have DS 14, he has DS 8 and 5. Recently moved to council house after being given notice to quit on last private rental - had only been there a year.

DSS's have been sexually abused by mother's ex-partner. Police investigation now concluded, waiting for it to go to court. Accused is convicted offender already, mother knew this. Mother took caution for neglect.

DSS's have BIG behaviour issues and possible SN (under assessment). Both on IEPs and under Child In Need orders. Cannot get counselling for them until case has been to court (poss disclosure issues).

DS 14 has now clashed with DP. DS came in late Thursday night, I had a go, DP intervened when DS got nasty. DS grabbed DP by throat, DP called police. DS accepted a caution.

DS is a "school refuser". Attendance currently under 50%. I am working with school, TAC meetings in place. CAMHS involved, but DS won't engage. DS's father will not have anything to do with him, he is "too ashamed".

Have just concluded long court battle with DP's parents who did not like him moving in with me and tried to get joint residency. They failed. They have weekly phone contact (Fridays) and fortnightly letters with the boys.

DSS's have fortnightly visits (supervised by me/DP) with their mum. Sometimes, like today, their Mum's parents come too. They also have to be supervised as they were classed as having been groomed. They are all here today.

DP does not work (many reasons), I'm a home carer and work about 30 hours. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, bill-paying, admin, organisation, homework, reading. Absolutely everything. I write all the letters, deal with all the legal stuff. I even pay his ex maintenance out of my bank account for his other 2 boys, who he can't see at the moment. His ex has a new bf and won't allow him in the house (yet another story). DP is on JSA and is going on a course that should get him back to work. He sits on the lap top ALL DAY every day. Between work, running the house, meetings for children, court and more, I have NO TIME. I'm shattered.

I'm behind with bills, I work my tits off and I get no help. DP is depressed and on ADs. My relationships with my son, family and friends are suffering. I went to the doctor yesterday and got diazepam. Already on ADs myself and have another appointment monday.

I've had enough. I rang work and took the weekend off. Never done that.

I'm the one holding it all together. I think I'm going to break.

Thank you for reading, sorry it's so long, I am grateful. If anyone can help me make sense of it all...?

2cats2many Sat 18-May-13 12:03:52

You sound like you need to take a break before you have a complete meltdown. Does your DP know that you feel like this?

You say you've lived with him for a year. How long have you actually been together? And for how much of that time has it been this bad?

NoelHeadbands Sat 18-May-13 12:07:46

That is too much on one plate, I'm not surprised you are floundering.

You mention family and friends, do they know everything that's going on?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:08:05

My God. The whole set up sounds like it is brimming with confrontation and conflicts - everyone is fighting.

What would happen if you and DP split up? That would instantly remove a great deal of your worries, you would only have your own child to deal with.

Sorry but your DP's family sound like a complete nightmare.

lolaflores Sat 18-May-13 12:09:52

Why are you doing all this? What compels you to go to every lenght for everyone but yourself? Explain why things are that way and then you may understand things a little better.
I don't want to sound harsh but where are you in all of this? If you stopped what would happen?
Would iut be a case tghat your partner might have to do something?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:10:57

also interested to know how long you've been involved with this family from hell, why they didn't want you involved (dp's pparents trying to stop you moving in together?) and why the heck you're doing all the running around keeping them in their habit of fighting.

And why did your son clash with dp?

pinkyredrose Sat 18-May-13 12:12:06

This sounds intolerable. Why doesn't your DP do anything around the house?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:12:23

Been together 2 years. Family and friends know bits and bobs but I feel too boggled to go into it with them. Friends tried to tell me I was taking on too much, now I feel stupid. I do love DP but when I talk to him, he just says nothing. He blames it on possible Aspergers, he's been referred for assessment after it was suggested by GP. He does have a lot of Aspie traits, but I feel that it's an excuse. It's not an excuse for sitting on his arse all day though.

I'm hiding upstairs as DC's mum and family are in kitchen cooking a roast. It's like the fucking twilight zone here sad

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:14:53

I have promised to keep the DC safe and give them stability. Their lives have been full of Social Workers, police etc. Tbh I never realised it was going to be this bad.

They are a warring family, always have been.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:15:18

You need, for your sake and your son's, to get OUT of this. really fast. They are pulling you under.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:16:26

DP tried to stop DS shouting and swearing at me. He has anger issues, have tried counselling, anger management etc. DS is primarily mad at his father.

I feel trapped, stuck, cornered and worn out.

tribpot Sat 18-May-13 12:17:38

Just trying to get this clear - your DP has four sons, 2 with his ex who allowed them to be abused, and 2 others who he isn't allowed to see?

I can't believe the appalling stress and complexity of your home life is helping your own DS' school refusal / mental health issues. And god knows you can't possibly go on the way you are now, effectively propping up five children and a partner on a part-time wage.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like either parent can care adequately for the DSSes. Is he even doing the supervision or is that falling to you as well? Are social services involved with you / your DP with regarded to your DSSes?

Can you ask family / friends for help? Do they know how bad things are?

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:17:39

All I can do is get on the council list again. I've no money and I don't WANT to leave the children. I love them.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:18:18

yep that just confirms it, your son needs your full attention. This will not be helping him.

Please walk away and let them sort themselves out.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:18:53

I would have to love someone very very very very very much to stick by them in such a circumstances, that the family life of my daughter and I was so messed up by a situation not of our own making. Very very very much.

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:19:32

x posts. I don't care if you love his kids. You can still be their friend. Your own child MUST come first. This is affecting you really badly and will also be affecting him really badly.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but from the outside it is REALLY clear that you need to walk away.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:19:53

Are social services involved with you / your DP with regarded to your DSSes?

Yes very much so. They are supportive.

I've been doing supervision for visits to DPs parents - they ALSO are required to have supervision as they have been violent in front of the kids/swearing/controlling. But I'm not doing it any more, there is no contact order.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:20:43

A man who is ashamed of his sexually abused son's emotional issues is not someone I could sacrifice my sanity for.

DoctorAnge Sat 18-May-13 12:20:59

You poor lady. I really think you should take a huge step back here and put yourself first.

It's a lot to deal with.

RandomMess Sat 18-May-13 12:21:18

Can you set a time for you and dp to talk?

Can state to him that unless he helps practically that you cannot cope and will have no choice but to leave?

Have prepared a list of daily tasks (detailed!) and ask him which he is going to take on. TBH I would do this as an ultimatum.

The lack of emotional support must be horrendous but he is capable of giving you practical support regardless and him actually forcing himself to do stuff will be good for his depression.

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:21:22

Just trying to get this clear - your DP has four sons, 2 with his ex who allowed them to be abused, and 2 others who he isn't allowed to see?

That's right

The mother has just had the abuser's baby as well. Baby has been adopted thank god. The boys don't know that yet though.

springymater Sat 18-May-13 12:21:43

oh dear, oh dear. No wonder you feel like you're about to break.

TOO MUCH PRESSURE. Too much going on. You're carrying the whole shebang, in its entirety.

I'm really sorry to say it but it sounds like he's a vampiric influence in your life - ie he sucks the life out of you. Maybe not intentionally, but certainly in reality. He's pulling you down with him.

I really would consider living apart - either for the time-being or permanently - and stepping right back from the stuff going on with his kids/ex. It's not your story, you dont have to carry it all, every last straw.

Have you been the one who props everyone up before? Is it a pattern in your life?

OrlaKiely Sat 18-May-13 12:22:40

Look you are great, you have tried your utmost to help. But it's too much for anyone.

and it's not working.

More importantly, with any step situation, it's asking a lot of your own kids...to adapt and let other people in. This is taking the proverbial wrt what you're expecting your son to adjust to/put up with/see happening to you.

It sounds like a fucking nightmare. You cannot put him through this for another second. Your primary duty is to your own child, not the DP's, not his weird parents etc

It's like someone having a baby then deciding to knock down their house and build it at the same time, on their own

You can take on someone else's massive issues when your son no longer needs stability and security and a WELL mother who is focussing on him

Until then scrap it

BumpingFuglies Sat 18-May-13 12:22:55

A man who is ashamed of his sexually abused son's emotional issues is not someone I could sacrifice my sanity for.

My DS's father is ashamed of him for his poor behaviour. It's not my DP who is ashamed of his son. Sorry, I knw it's complicated.

midoriway Sat 18-May-13 12:23:43

Is it your own son's DS who is too ashamed to be involved? Sorry, I was confused. Just walk out, rebuild the life of you and your DS, your son is being destroyed by this hellish family you have invited into your lives.

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