Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I The Bad One?

(36 Posts)
AmItheBadOne Fri 17-May-13 12:33:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anunexpectedturnofevents Fri 17-May-13 13:09:19

Oh love sad

Problems in a marriage are often a two way thing. However, the key to knowing when this is the case and when things are moving more towards abuse is the attitude towards solving them. Does your H try to resolve issues with you? Or does he stonewall you and tell you it's all your fault? I'm already pretty sure of what your answer is.

I know that you've posted on the EA thread and I would heartily recommend that you unburden yourself there. You will find some wonderful advice and support which is sometimes lacking on a more general thread. Sadly it often seems that one had to experience abuse to be able to understand it and its effects.

Good luck sweetheart. And to answer your question - no, I rather suspect that you are not the bad one.

AmItheBadOne Fri 17-May-13 13:18:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anunexpectedturnofevents Fri 17-May-13 13:22:50

Oof. That's very nasty. Nothing you have said here is a surprise. Sadly.

So, categorically - no, you are not the bad one.

MadameBlavatsky Fri 17-May-13 13:24:00

In answer to your question, no it is NOT you. I don't blame you for hating him, he is awful, abusive, controlling and a terrible husband - and father to boot. sad

You can leave him and be happy again, you know this don't you? He sucks all the joy out of your life and you and your DC are suffering.

Seriously, LTB. Get support, Womens Aid, family, friends? You can do this. You can't change him and it will only ever get worse if you stay.

Sheshelob Fri 17-May-13 13:26:14

My dad was like this. The biggest mistake mum made was not leaving him sooner.

You don't need to live like this, and your children certainly do not. Some of my happiest childhood memories are from after my dad left. Yes, we were skint, but all the tension drained out of our lives. We could just get on with life and enjoy each other.

I hope you can find the strength to leave.

AmItheBadOne Fri 17-May-13 13:28:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Fri 17-May-13 13:31:22

I was open to the idea that you are both people who have had a hard time in the past who have brought a certain amount of baggage to the relationship, and that you could work it through UNTIL you said he doesn't like your son.

Game over. No one should treat your child like that. Especially not his father.

Chubfuddler Fri 17-May-13 13:32:58

For first wife it was like it is for you. Public face, private face. Private face is the real him by the way.

Sheshelob Fri 17-May-13 13:34:48

chub is absolutely right. There is nothing worse than knowing your parent doesn't like you. You need to protect your DS or else he will think it is his fault. It may take all your strength, but you must do it.

AmItheBadOne Fri 17-May-13 13:40:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sheshelob Fri 17-May-13 13:43:21

The boring thing is a classic narcissistic parent move, in my experience. It is pernicious. It will either harden your son or break him. No child needs to be out through that.

It isn't normal. You need to step in and make a change, even if you still love him.

What are you frightened of?

Its not you, its him.

How dare he say that about your son. He crossed a line there that should never have been crossed.

You can do something and that something is divorcing him asap.
You did back out from leaving at the last minute before but you can do this again. Seek support for yourself to leave; friends and Womens Aid can and will be invaluable to you. Once you have taken that first, often the most difficult of steps, to get out the rest will follow.

These people too can be plausible to those in the outside world. He acted the same as well undoubtedly with his first wife, she left him and you can and should do the same now.

Look at how your children are being affected here by their abusive dad; you're being profoundly affected as well. And yes, you're right in that your own emotionally deprived childhood contributed to you being with an abuser now.

BoffinMum Fri 17-May-13 13:49:06

Run for the hills, as they say.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 15:32:10

"I am a person who finds it hard to make and stick to decisions.
I have no confidence in myself or in my ability to 'change my life'.
This drives him completely insane."

So why marry you if you're so flawed? hmm I'm sure his last wife discovered all her 'faults' were waved in her face as a way to control her as well. A long conversation with her could be revealing.

I think it's a pity it's taken a child's observation to be the tipping point but, now that you can see how wrong it is, do take steps to end it. Best of luck

AmItheBadOne Sat 18-May-13 11:14:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 11:26:07

When you're in a relationship with an abusive/controlling/bullying person and you choose to end it, it is not 'breaking the family up'. The abuser is the one doing that. You're simply protecting yourself and your child.

Facts... Your father died & your son's father is an abusive bully that has no time for him and doesn't care about him... finds him boring. The only thing worse than leaving is sticking around thinking either of those facts are going to change for the better. They won't

What your son needs is love. If he can't have two loving parents, one will have to suffice. ... c'est la vie. I've been Mum, Dad & everything else to my DS for coming up on 13 years this month. He's confident, relaxed, happy, does well at school ... great kid. If we lived in a house with a bully who found him boring and told me I was inadequate, I don't think he'd be any of those things.

Don't blame yourself therefore, but do work with the hand you've been dealt rather than wishing for things that can't & won't happen. You can do it. smile

cory Sat 18-May-13 11:29:15

Tbh I think your son has given the answer to this one:

"I went to ds room to check he was asleep and he was awake and had heard. He told me that 'when he grew up he didn't want to get married as he was afraid he would be like Dad and shout and scream at his wife all the time'. "

So he is already aware that being exposed to this could damage him for life. How could a divorced dad who drops out of his life be worse than that?

Don't blame yourself for staying. Just tell yourself that you have tried for as long you possibly could and now you need to get out for everybody's protection.

There is also your daughter to consider. He is nicer to her, you say, but no doubt she hears him disrespect and maltreat you all the time. So if you stay in this relationship and accept responsibility for his bad behaviour, what message are you sending her, about her future?

By the time she is a grown woman and looking for a partner of her own, wouldn't you like her to know that you don't have to put up with abuse, that it is ok to walk away from an abusive man?

AmItheBadOne Sat 18-May-13 12:55:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmItheBadOne Sat 18-May-13 13:06:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't think you're the bad one. You question yourself, strive to change and be better (even if "better" is never achieved in your H's eyes) and you look out for your children's best interest.
"He finds one of them too hard work, they are boring." Well, you still have to look after your children! he helped bring them here. Good dads accept that it's a rollercoaster, and are there for their children.
"You drive him mad with your inconsistency." I think you'll find that if you did not have to worry about how he will react to any decision you take, your inconsistency will start to go away.
Try to ignore any concern for him, and look out for your children and yourself. He has to deal with himself. This is really hard in rl, for sure. (I still feel bad for my xP, like it's somehow my fault what he did and now has to face the consequences for. I guess you may feel like that too.) You have spent so long trying to placate him and make sure he's ok. But in the end, he has to make sure he is ok. You have to make sure you and the children are ok.
If he has any decency, he would also make sure the children areok, but from your posts that seems to be a stretch too far.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 18-May-13 13:19:37

In your H's mind the family is already broken. Trying to continue to patch it up when none of you want it (including your children as shown by your terrified DS) is just going to damage you all. Co parenting in the same house is essentially what you have been doing for the past 5 years and that is still damaging your children.
If your H doesn't interact with them if you separate formally that is his cross to bear. It may however make him a more tolerant parent if he isn't faced with it day to day. In short the status quo no matter how you label it just isn't working for any of you.

AmItheBadOne Sat 18-May-13 13:24:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 18-May-13 13:33:09

Then with the best will in the world stop trying to work it out. Your H's reasons for behaving the way he does may never be understood so just deal with limiting the fallout from it. Concentrate on your needs and your DC's needs he is an adult.
You cannot make him do anything and you cannot moderate his behaviour for him or analyse why for him. All of this has to come from him or no one.

DevonCiderPunk Sat 18-May-13 13:39:15

No, you're not "the bad one." He's putting you in the role of parent, instead of wife. He sounds cruel to boot. I hope you can find the strength & means to leave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now