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How realistic is it to feel 'in love' with your DH after 10+ years of marriage?

(32 Posts)
joshandjamie Thu 16-May-13 22:54:31

or does it shift to 'just' love?

I am asking this on behalf of someone. Personally I feel that the 'in love' goes and the 'love' lasts. But she feels that the 'in love' (the giddy, heart thumping, romance) is vital and the fact that it hasn't spells the end of her marriage.

Is she unrealistic?

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 23:50:10

Cherchez l'homme then.

joshandjamie Sun 19-May-13 20:23:35

sorry - been a busy weekend hence lack of coming back. I don't know if she has met someone else but she just says she doesn't feel in love and she doesn't know if what she has is enough anymore. I think what she is craving is the passion and excitement you get when you first meet someone and that is hard to get when you know everything about each other I think.

LaQueen Sun 19-May-13 12:19:36

That's a lovely way of putting it BOF smile

When I first met DH, I was insecure (having just had my heart badly broken, by a beautiful bastard), because he had loads of girls on his course, all fluttering in his direction.

But, after a while, when I realised we were going to stay together, and that I could trust him, it just got better and better.

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 00:22:18

To the OP who posted this thread 2 days ago and hasn't been back:

Has this someone met someone else then?

BOF Sun 19-May-13 00:18:47

I think the heart thumping goes away with security. But you can still feel that delicious in love feeling that comes with trust, which is only enhanced by years of shared history and stories between yourselves.

joanofarchitrave Sat 18-May-13 23:37:59

I think if you've had the heart thumping bit in the past, it may well come back. And go again. And come back again.

I consider staying married to be an achievement every day (and not just on my side - I think dh does pretty well to stick with me too). The rewards are unexpected but they do happen.

AlfalfaMum Sat 18-May-13 23:25:44

I've been with my DH for 10.5 years, and do still feel 'in love' with him. I definitely fancy him too grin
There have been some difficult times in our relationship, where I've still loved him but not really felt 'in love', partly due to depression on my side but also due to the natural ebb and flow of our relationship.
A deeper love can grow from working through your problems together and coming out the other side.

If I loved my DH just 'as a friend', well that wouldn't be enough for me. I need passion.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 18-May-13 23:13:00

We've been together for 22 years, married for 15. I do get excited when he comes home from work, but although I am always aware that I love him, and that he's very handsome, I wouldn't say it is giddy.

I do think it's easy to get a bit, what I call "semi-detached" and when We become aware that is happening we make an effort to reconnect. Unlike LaQUeen, we don't have fireworks, just a bit of taking for granted and not quite being in the moment with each other.

I know the depth of my feelings for him, and the respect I have when I talk about him to other people. He is as near perfect a husband and father as I could imagine.

LaQueen Sat 18-May-13 13:34:15

Deaf Oh, most definitely. It's certainly not hearts and roses every day in this house, far from it. We're both strong willed, opinionated, and like to get our own way. So, the sparks do fly, from time to time...

Which is why I'm always a little hmm, when I get sneered at on MN for bragging about my 'so called perfect marriage' which I was accused of, just a couple of days ago.

It's most definitely not perfect, in the conventional, accepted sense. We don't send our days tranquilly gazing into each other's eyes and sighing with delight [throws head back and laughs at the very thought]

There's sparks, and roller-coasters, and spats, and misunderstandings...but, there's always, always been a huge amount of love and affection, too.

Getting on together smoothly, can sometimes be a bit hard. Loving each other, never is.

And, that's what makes it perfect for us smile

DeafLeopard Fri 17-May-13 23:53:08

LaQueen " it's not perfect, we can fight like cat&dog - but, I think that's only because we still feel very passionately about each other, and we could never be indifferent to each other."

Totally agree with this in spite of the lovely things I said earlier about our marriage, not every day is full of love - some days I want to kill divorce him.

peteypiranha Fri 17-May-13 18:50:34

We have been married ten years next year and our relationship is still very passionate. We like to be close though, and spend a lot of nights in curled up and snogging. We are still quite young though but I dont see it changing.

We just fancy each other a lot I think thats the key really.

Aww that's a lovely story cogito smile

It's nice to read experiences of those in long term relationships.

My Gparents (together since they were 21, now in their 60s) both said at my uncle's wedding (once a bit tipsy) that the most fulfilling part of marriage is when that giddy, lusty thing makes way for the deeper, stronger, 'entwined roots' sort of love. I hope that wasn't just the booze talking or I'll be quite dissapointed! grin

14 years married next month, and I still get terribly excited when he is due home from work

^^ yep me too blush

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Fri 17-May-13 15:14:48

I think it comes and goes. If you NEVER feel like that it might be an issue. Pregnancy/bfing/very young children are good at killing off those feelings imo, but they should come back.

LaQueen Fri 17-May-13 15:09:28

Also, I really never expected to be like this...growing up, I wasn't a romantic soul. Was always actually very pragmatic, and very cynical...

I assumed I'd meet someone, fall in love...then the insanity would fade away, and we'd be left with something enjoyable, but more low-key.

And, DH is your typical, no nonsense, rugby-player type...a man of few words, and he doesn't really do romance.

And, we're so opposite, on so many things....but, I think I love, and am loved, in a way that few people are. And, I know how lucky I am.

LaQueen Fri 17-May-13 14:52:35

I think love, means different things to different people.

I have plenty of friends who love their DHs, but will openly admit that nowadays, their relationship is mainly based on friendship/companionship, raising their DCs together, etc. And, they are perfectly happy with that.

Somehow, that doesn't seemed to have happened yet, with DH and me. Even after 22 years, I still find myself regularly falling in love with him, all over again...he can still make me blush, and I still think he's by far, the most attractive man I have ever met.

Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, we can fight like cat&dog - but, I think that's only because we still feel very passionately about each other, and we could never be indifferent to each other.

Yes, DH is certainly one of my best friends...but, I married him because he could also offer me something far more passionate, intimate and more exciting than just good friendship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 06:19:00

I'm not going to say whether she's realistic or not because how she feels about her DH (or how she wants to feel) is important to her & personal to her. Maybe what she's actually telling you here is that there is no 'spark', no romance in their relationship any more? That it's become boring, a grind, there's no spontaneity or that she feels she is being taken for granted?

I used to know an elderly couple who had been together 50+ years. My favourite memory was at her birthday party. She was turning 80 and he'd just bought her some new boots. "They look lovely" he said with a twinkle, "then again, you've always had a smashing pair of legs". She blushed like a school-girl....

IHateSafeStyle Fri 17-May-13 04:22:09

Totally agree with BriansBrain and the other longer termers, we're 20 years together this year.

I have found that there can be peeks and troughs, there are times of utter bliss, but have also been what have I done moments too grin

Ultimately I still want to be here and so does he. A shared history replaces those new goose pimplely feelings.

BriansBrain Thu 16-May-13 23:20:54

It is nice to know someone Realy does have your back, doesn't matter what my day brings he can always raise a smile even f I'm smiling at the idiot I married 10 years ago.

We have been through so much togeather and it has been as hard as it has been happy.

BOF Thu 16-May-13 23:16:37

I think it can last, even though it might not have that desperate insecure quality of when you first meet. Again, it hasn't been quite 10 years for me, but over seven, and off the top of my head, just today I was randomly thinking 'God, he's the most perfect loveliest man in the world', and even when I'd only just left the room after chatting to him this evening, I sighed to myself 'I'm so in love with you'. I can't see all that changing in just three years.

Ledkr Spain Thu 16-May-13 23:09:56

I find at certain non pmt times I feel fluttery in love like the early days.
He's gorgeous and I do sometimes have a stomach flip when I see him half naked or dressed nicely.
I also feel a bit lost when he first goes back to work after his days off and very excited when I know we have time together.
He's still my favourite person to do stuff with and we still laugh like idiots when we should be going to sleep.
Been together 7 yrs were married a few weeks after we met.
He does annoy me hugely at times though.

DeafLeopard Thu 16-May-13 23:08:43

Been with DH over 20 years and married for 16. Still in love with him, and love him very deeply. He infuriates me from time to time, as I do him, but I also get a wee frisson of excitement when I catch sight of him / see his number come up on my phone.

I realise that we are very lucky to still feel this way about each other.

Debs75 Thu 16-May-13 23:08:19

I've been with DP for 18 years now and we can honestly say we love each other more now than we have ever done. The first few years were just constant lusty shagginggrin alongside raising a family(we started young) There was a lot of passion which led to a lot of arguing.
Now after a long gap and then 2 more dc's we are happy and settled and starting to really enjoy ourselves together. I look at him now and think 'I really love this man' and we still keep the romance going.

I think feelings change over time and whist you may not have the heart thumping feelings you have a deeper feeling of love.

I better not let him see this he will think I have gone all soppy on him

BriansBrain Thu 16-May-13 23:06:50

I feel in love, he can still make me catch my breath or just grin like a Cheshire Cat for no reason at all.

It doesn't happen as much as it used to but with us both working and DC to look after it is easy to let other things get in the way.

He is still the first person I think to call when I need to blurt some news.

And in equal measures he is a grumpy annoying twat at times grin

I've been with DH for 18 years and I still get that "giddy, heart thumping, romance", and butterflies in my stomach when he walks in, I still feel "in" love with him.

But....I don't always feel like that (would be bloody exhausting if I did), and there have been times when I haven't felt like for a really long time (years). The thing with marriage (or any long term relationship) is good and bad times. We've had our far share of bad times, and we've come close to divorce a few times TBH. I do think as long as the love is there on both sides then that in love feeling can come back if both partners work at.

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