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Has anyone split only to make it work later on?

(26 Posts)
Mosschops30 Thu 16-May-13 16:36:56

Me and Dh have been separated since march.
Yes he's been an arse but I'm no angel either.
I've told him that we didn't respect each other, show affection to each other or support each other and if we want to make it work we will need counselling

He has asked me on a date grin

So has anyone had a second go at their marriage and made it work?

Honeybadgerdontgiveashit Fri 17-May-13 18:00:24

We were apart for two whole years. (Neither of us even dated anyone else in that time which helped).
DP gave up drinking immediately, and addressed his issues, but it took me two years to trust him again.
We went on a few dates, and a family holiday with DS and I fell in love with him all over again.

Lovingfreedom Thu 16-May-13 19:26:10

What do you feel you need to discuss in counselling?

MoodyDidIt Thu 16-May-13 19:08:22

yeah my ex dumped me for 3 months, had been with him 4 years. we got married the next year but then split up about a year later

but if you still love him then give it a go x

elliepac Thu 16-May-13 19:06:00

Then you have a chancesmile. Those were the exact same primary reasons I didn't give up with DH.

Mosschops30 Thu 16-May-13 19:03:43

For those asking why:

Because there were many good times
I do love him
He is a good father to our dcs
He loves me

elliepac Thu 16-May-13 19:02:49

anyfucker is right as far as the kids are concerned. We were quite upfront with them when we got back together and made no promises that everything was going to be alright but that we were going to try and see how it went. We did warn them that we may still split up in the future. Ours were old enough to understand this in simple terms.

Other posters are also right in saying every couple is different. It depends on the starting point for rebuilding the relationship, the level of commitment and honesty that is shown from both parties and an acknowledgement of what went wrong. If there is love on both sides there is hope but it must be open.

In the op you state that you felt unloved, not respected etc. those are things that no-one should feel and those must be rectified. Dating is a good place to start but be wary of enjoying the dates and not tackling the real issues because it feels safe.

maddy68 Thu 16-May-13 18:59:34

We split up after 20+ years of marriage. Split up for two years got back together two years ago. All is great. In fact I think it did us good!

Lovingfreedom Thu 16-May-13 18:51:24

Sorry but why would you go on a date with someone with whom you felt unloved, disrespected etc? Do you live in a one-man town?

Mosschops30 Thu 16-May-13 18:49:29

I won't even consider it without counselling or mediation type thing and I've told him that

HanShotFirst Thu 16-May-13 18:36:40

My parents split after 12 years of marriage, when I was 12 years old. There had been lots of problems, which culminated in my DF having an emotional affair. They were apart for a few months, and then got back together. That was 15 years ago.

However, my dad wouldn't entertain counselling, which meant that all the same problems just kept cropping up - they still do, however, my mum was devastated by the split and is terrified of it happening again, and the financial and emotional costs that would come with it. At 47 she considers herself past it, and is worried that if she did stand up to his behaviour after all this time, that he would leave without a backwards glance.

She said the same as you, mosschops, that she was 'no angel' so considers the treatment that she receives from my dad sometimes (sulking with very infrequent violent outbursts on inanimate objects eg throw a plate, stonewalling) as a situation that is to be tolerated as she loves him so much.

I love my dad, but I can recognise that their relationship is not good at all, and that's down to him failing to address his issues. When my parents told me they were getting back together all those years ago, I remember asking them "is that such a good idea?" Because I didn't want to live in a situation like we had before, and that's what played out. Thankfully, I haven't settled into the same pattern and have a DH who would never treat me like that.

Having said all that, sorry it's so long btw, if your DH is willing to go to counselling, then I would give it a shot. Good luck!

Skelosia Thu 16-May-13 18:26:53

I agree with AnyFucker on the kids issue.

BUT

DF and I did split up and now, however many years on, we are expecting our first child together.

I think the only way to know whether it has a chance to work or not is if you are both on the same page. There are no guarantees, but there are positive indicators.

If you want to be together for love, that is a great start. Then you both have to commit to working through this problem, and not bailing in the future unless you really want to. The way I find to prevent this, is by communicating when you realise things are starting to go awry. Then you can fix it before it gets properly broke.

So if you are both committed to working through it together, do it! But if you are only trying again because it is 'safe' then you need to leave it. And you can both only answer those questions if you are honest with yourselves too.

Good luck whatever you decide, and I hope you both find happiness. xx

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 18:00:16

I think there can be harm in trying if it confuses your kids

splitting is hard on kids...getting back together (with a high risk of splitting again) must be a head fuck for them

Gingefringe Thu 16-May-13 17:54:05

One of my DD's friend's parents split up when she was a baby and she only saw her father occasionally. Now they're back together after 16 years and she just can't get her head around the fact that her mum and dad are living together in the same house!! Weird but understandable.

Yes, I got as far as the decree nisi. We're now very happy and much kinder people for the split.

A friend of mine got divorced from her DH, and then married him again 2 years later. They are also very happy.

It can work. It can also be a mistake. No harm in trying though.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 17:45:03

it does, but only you know what will work for you

if 999 people came on here and said "I got back with my fella and now we are fab" if your relationship was scarred by disrespect, emotional abuse and a lack of support then it's never going to work and all those others have no impact on that

see what I am saying ?

or am I just jaded with the relationships board ? smile

Mosschops30 Thu 16-May-13 17:05:34

anyfucker doesn't that apply to 99% of threads on MN?
No harm in asking

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 16:59:52

Although there is some great advice from Ellie there, so I shall shut up smile

EuroShaggleton Thu 16-May-13 16:58:44

We split a couple of times before we were married. We're now very happy.

AnyFucker Thu 16-May-13 16:57:41

Isn't this one of those questions where it has no consequence whatsoever what has worked or not for other people ?

elliepac Thu 16-May-13 16:56:57

Yes. DH and I have been together 16 years married for 12 and have split up 3 times, twice in early days of marriage pre-dc but the most serious was last year for 3 months. A year later we are still going strong and happier than ever. It took a lot of talking and the realisation that when we split up previously we never really dealt with the issues we just got back together because we missed each other. This time we really got to the bottom of it all and are far happier for it. Take your time, do the counselling and make sure it is the right thing for both of you. When we got back together we said we had nothing to lose and eveything to gain but realised that we may end up back at square one but we haven't. In our case the love was still there but buried under a whole heap of day to day shit.

Good Luck.

PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 16:51:38

<puts hand up>

My dp and I split for a year (maybe more, my memory is not what it was wink..)

We've been together ever since, two children now, and all is well. Ups and downs along the way, but we've both grown up.

Mosschops30 Thu 16-May-13 16:49:28

Yes I wouldn't want him to move straight back home as I feel things would slip back to how they were.

It was nice to be asked on a date because we haven't done anything just for each other in such a long time.
No abuse as such (although some would say EA) but I never felt abused. Unloved, disrespected, unsupported but not abused

Lovingfreedom Thu 16-May-13 16:47:58

Why would you get back together with someone who you consider to be an arse?

WhereMyMilk Thu 16-May-13 16:45:48

DH and I split for 8months (before marriage) but he came crawling back we got back together and were married within the year and just about to celebrate tenth anniversary and have 3 DC to boot!

Good luck-what have you to lose? If you respond with a grin that he's asked you on a date then I think you definitely have something good going on underneath it all and should give it a shot! Date for quite a while though so it stays fresh and you don't just slip back into old habits.

Dahlen Thu 16-May-13 16:39:30

Unless there is abuse involved, I'd say go for it. It'll either work or it will confirm splitting was the best thing for you.

Most people I know who tried again ended up splitting up for good very soon after, I'll admit, but I have a friend who split with her H twice in their early years of marriage yet 25+ years later they are still together and happier than ever.

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