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How do you walk away when you have no one else in the world? I need to believe I can do this.

(62 Posts)
SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 13:07:31

We have 2 young dc.

Last year h held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. It wasn't the first time he had been violent to me over the last 15ys but it was the first time he had used a weapon and the first time I grabbed the phone and called the police.

This marked a turning point and I asked him to leave. He never would have left before but as the police and ss were involved now, he did as I asked. I dropped the charges despite pressure from the police.

He has lived in various places since then. Always claiming poverty as to why he cannot find a permanent place to stay. Slowly but surely he has managed to convince me he should come back. We had a nice family weekend the other week and it was everything I want.

I haven't let him move back in yet though as another issue we always had was debt. He is irresponsible with money and ran up lots of debt (mainly in his name) without me knowing over a period of 4-5 years.

I agreed for him to come back as long as I have complete control over the money. He won't allow that so has been playing his normal emotional blackmail games ever since.

The difference is that I have had a year to see this from a distance and even though he thinks he knows how to press my buttons, I feel like a different person now. Stronger.

But although life without him is easier some parts are just rotten. The family days where it is just me surrounded by families, I can't imagine holidays with another adult to talk to.

These are poor reasons to stay with him I know. But for various reasons, I have no other family. I have friends, one close one.

I can't even get a job to help see other adults. Before he left we were working shifts around each other. When he left he refused to look after the children so I had to quit. He also refused to help towards the mortgage so I had to claim help with the mortgage payments. This help is the only way I have managed to hold onto the house. Tbh I would love to sell the house but we are in neg. equity and would end up with a shortfall. So I am trapped.

How do you leave when you know is the only adult you speak to on a daily basis. Without him, no cares if I live or die.

bulletproofgerbil Sun 19-May-13 16:37:29

Totally agree that Homestart would not think you didn't need support. As soda1234 says, asking for someone who you can just talk to and who will listen, is totally valid. It can make a huge difference just being able to say stuff out loud and hearing how it sounds/how it feels. Like Soda says, that's one of the things Homestart is about - being there for families on an emotiional/listening level when things are tough.

I like your new name btw. Keep on keeping on Ibegin. I hope now is the start of a new beginning for you and the DC.

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 20:06:40

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to say, in terms of what you need,if you told Homestart you were lonely and could do with a listening ear/someone to talk to/help developing friendship groups ,I am certain they would help.

Give them a call.

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 20:01:38

Homestart wouldn't think you were a "fraud", you could show the coordinator this thread. You can self-refer or ask your HV to do it. I am a volunteer, if I were in your area I'd be very happy to support you.

PurpleThing Sat 18-May-13 19:51:20

OP, you are lonely. Do everything you can to get some company for yourself, calm and normal people who will support you and care about you and the dcs.

Look for local groups on MN or Facebook. Ask HV to recommend a toddler group, they may be able to introduce you to the chairperson or secretary so you know one person there. Build on any fledgling friendships that you can start. Ask HV if there are any support groups for parents in your area or befriending services.

If you can spend time with other families, especially lone parent families it will distract you from his crap and also give you plenty of hope that you can have a happy future.

hollyisalovelyname Sat 18-May-13 19:35:48

You can be really lonely on a family holiday too - if you are being verbally abused or ignored. I wish you the courage you need.

IbeginHere Sat 18-May-13 19:25:28

I could do with reading the script so I know what hes going to say next.

He really does drive me crazy with all his nonsense. If I went into one like that, who would look after the kids? He just can't see past his own nose. Its all about him.

squeaver Sat 18-May-13 19:18:12

I have seen all these actions described loads of times on threads like yours on MN. The emotional blackmail, the suicide threats, not seeing the kids at all,rather than just at weekends - I think they're common enough for people to actually comment on "following the script". And what bollocks they all are.

Listen to all this good advice. Seek help whenever and wherever you can.

foolonthehill Sat 18-May-13 18:47:06

mentally perhaps this is the beginning for you accepting the end of your relationship

IbeginHere Sat 18-May-13 18:00:36

I don't even know what help I need. If they asked what I wanted I wouldn't know what to say.

What I want I can't have. An escape.

(Have name changed btw)

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:57:40

You're not a fraud you've been through a very traumatic experience and are still struggling with the aftermath. It's not a crime to ask for help

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:52:36

I feel a fraud contacting homestart. He left a year ago so I've been a single parent for a year. And the DA was a year ago. Plus I've been considering having him back.

It doesn't really seem as if I'm need does it?

Flojobunny Sat 18-May-13 17:47:09

I second Homestart, they will help you through the tough bits.
Stay away from ex, he has nothing left to lose so might be dangerous, don't be tempted in to feeling sorry for him, look after yourself and dc.
You are not alone, I've been a single parent for years and its not easy but I love days out and holidays with my kids, I can focus completely on them. I think you are finding it harder because you are stuck in an inbetween phase.
I don't know much about your finances but would declaring bankrupcy and having the house repossessed not be an option to enable you to move away and have a fresh start?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:44:06

We may have opened your eyes but you're the one walking the walk and talking the talk. You're doing that... you... and that's mega-guts. smile Just please.... stay safe, keep your phone close and, if he does turn up on your doorstep, call the police rather than exchange so much as one word.

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:41:59

He always threatens suicide when things go badly wrong for him.He won't do it.

I just don't want him turning up on the doorstep. Because that means he's really lost it.

I've switched my phone off as I can't take anymore of the emotional blackmail.

Hopefully I won't hear anymore from him this weekend - but I think thats dreaming tbh.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Even when he moved out I thought we would get back together. But now I don't even want to. Before it felt as if circumstances forced my hand (ie the knife incident) but now I'm actually making the choice not to be with him.

He left a year ago but I feel as if I'm just starting to break away from him. Without this thread I wouldn't be doing this. You have all opened my eyes to him and made me see that I can do this.

There are worse things than being alone.

thanks

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 17:32:49

Hi so confused,

I second a visit to your local CAB, they can run a "what if" benefits check, ie what would happen if I returned to work FT/PT.

Please also consider Homestart, a volunteer would come to your home for a couple of hours a week to provide a listening ear/support you in any way you choose

MushroomSoup Sat 18-May-13 17:29:33

Hang on in there.
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!
It doesn't matter what emotional crap he tries to lay at your feet - that's not your problem. He is not your responsibility.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:28:29

The threats sound pretty empty but be very careful if he's angry because abusive men are at their most dangerous when they know the game's up.

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:09:03

Sorry, have been doing a lot of thinking.

h has been causing me lots of problems today though so wanted to post to get it clear in my head.

He is threatening suicide. I reconise this pattern of behaviour. It was in this frame of mind he threatened me with the knife.

He is angry because I told him that I've decided he cannot live here anymore. He has since said he loves the kids too much to be a weekend Dad so won't see them anymore.

Which is good thing as I don't trust him when he is like this.

bulletproofgerbil Fri 17-May-13 12:35:58

I think you can feel far more alone and isolated in a bad/violent relationship than you can ever feel on your own.

You can get through this. It will be hard but definitely easier than trying to live a life accompanied by a violent partner. There are worse things than loneliness in my experience.

Any hardship now will be so worth it. You will be building a future for you and the DC that is safe, where you make the decisions that are best for you all. Talk on here, maybe contact Home Start and try get some support there if poss. But keep telling yourself you will get stronger and stronger without this guy's influence in your life and bit by bit you will start to feel in control, safe and more content.

Seems to me your life is in a limbo because you have not made a final decision regards to your husband. I suggest you get on with the divorce and separate from him completely.

Move on, find a job, find friends!

yummytummy Fri 17-May-13 12:18:20

It can only be better from here on in. Well done for not letting him back in.

yummytummy Fri 17-May-13 12:16:49

Soconfused I can identify how u feel. I am atm trying to get out of an abusive relationship.

Definitely contact womens aid and get the free half an hour advice from solicitor. There is also a free legal phoneline called rights of women. Doing stuff makes you feel stronger even if u dont act on it immediately.

When I leave I also will have no one my family have said they will disown me and I will get a massive cultural backlash.

I also dont really have another adult to talk to other than him but that can change. Its so hard but we can make it better

BalloonSlayer Fri 17-May-13 12:02:32

What would SS say about you allowing him to move back in with you?

I thought that they have been known to remove DCs if the mother lets the physical abuser back into the home?

And I do hope you see the irony in saying, about this man who held a knife to your throat and threatened to kill you: "Without him, no cares if I live or die."

squeaver Fri 17-May-13 11:49:19

How are you today, soconfused?

Joy5 Thu 16-May-13 14:50:26

I'm in the same position as you, living in the family home but don't earn enough to pay the mortgage, been left with such a bad credit rating i've been turned down every time i've tried to rent (ex keeps missing mortgage payments so would like to move to stop him having the power to do it anymore).

I'd say speak with a solicitor for a free session, find out what your legal rights are, but don't take him back.

Its hard work being a single mum, very lonely, i've no family and since my son's death nearly five years ago, i've struggled to go out socially. I can't cope very well in crowded pubs etc.

But i'm keeping in touch with my friends, going for coffees etc in the day time, i do spend most evenings alone, my younger sons are both teenagers with their own lives, but after 18 months of it, i'm happy with my own company, i keep busy walking the dog lots, that gets me talking to people too, and i've started gardening for a few people i know, so i'm earning extra money and i get to chat too.

Lifes different as a single person, but i've found as time goes on, i've found more time for different things, things i wouldn't have thought of when i was single. It may take a while, but you'll get a social life eventually.

Its normal to have down moments when you're newly single, but don't let those moments make you take a backwards step, the hardest part was splitting up in the first place. You've done that, so just take every day one day at a time. smile xx

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