Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you walk away when you have no one else in the world? I need to believe I can do this.

(62 Posts)
SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 13:07:31

We have 2 young dc.

Last year h held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. It wasn't the first time he had been violent to me over the last 15ys but it was the first time he had used a weapon and the first time I grabbed the phone and called the police.

This marked a turning point and I asked him to leave. He never would have left before but as the police and ss were involved now, he did as I asked. I dropped the charges despite pressure from the police.

He has lived in various places since then. Always claiming poverty as to why he cannot find a permanent place to stay. Slowly but surely he has managed to convince me he should come back. We had a nice family weekend the other week and it was everything I want.

I haven't let him move back in yet though as another issue we always had was debt. He is irresponsible with money and ran up lots of debt (mainly in his name) without me knowing over a period of 4-5 years.

I agreed for him to come back as long as I have complete control over the money. He won't allow that so has been playing his normal emotional blackmail games ever since.

The difference is that I have had a year to see this from a distance and even though he thinks he knows how to press my buttons, I feel like a different person now. Stronger.

But although life without him is easier some parts are just rotten. The family days where it is just me surrounded by families, I can't imagine holidays with another adult to talk to.

These are poor reasons to stay with him I know. But for various reasons, I have no other family. I have friends, one close one.

I can't even get a job to help see other adults. Before he left we were working shifts around each other. When he left he refused to look after the children so I had to quit. He also refused to help towards the mortgage so I had to claim help with the mortgage payments. This help is the only way I have managed to hold onto the house. Tbh I would love to sell the house but we are in neg. equity and would end up with a shortfall. So I am trapped.

How do you leave when you know is the only adult you speak to on a daily basis. Without him, no cares if I live or die.

Flojobunny Sat 18-May-13 17:47:09

I second Homestart, they will help you through the tough bits.
Stay away from ex, he has nothing left to lose so might be dangerous, don't be tempted in to feeling sorry for him, look after yourself and dc.
You are not alone, I've been a single parent for years and its not easy but I love days out and holidays with my kids, I can focus completely on them. I think you are finding it harder because you are stuck in an inbetween phase.
I don't know much about your finances but would declaring bankrupcy and having the house repossessed not be an option to enable you to move away and have a fresh start?

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:52:36

I feel a fraud contacting homestart. He left a year ago so I've been a single parent for a year. And the DA was a year ago. Plus I've been considering having him back.

It doesn't really seem as if I'm need does it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:57:40

You're not a fraud you've been through a very traumatic experience and are still struggling with the aftermath. It's not a crime to ask for help

IbeginHere Sat 18-May-13 18:00:36

I don't even know what help I need. If they asked what I wanted I wouldn't know what to say.

What I want I can't have. An escape.

(Have name changed btw)

foolonthehill Sat 18-May-13 18:47:06

mentally perhaps this is the beginning for you accepting the end of your relationship

squeaver Sat 18-May-13 19:18:12

I have seen all these actions described loads of times on threads like yours on MN. The emotional blackmail, the suicide threats, not seeing the kids at all,rather than just at weekends - I think they're common enough for people to actually comment on "following the script". And what bollocks they all are.

Listen to all this good advice. Seek help whenever and wherever you can.

IbeginHere Sat 18-May-13 19:25:28

I could do with reading the script so I know what hes going to say next.

He really does drive me crazy with all his nonsense. If I went into one like that, who would look after the kids? He just can't see past his own nose. Its all about him.

hollyisalovelyname Sat 18-May-13 19:35:48

You can be really lonely on a family holiday too - if you are being verbally abused or ignored. I wish you the courage you need.

PurpleThing Sat 18-May-13 19:51:20

OP, you are lonely. Do everything you can to get some company for yourself, calm and normal people who will support you and care about you and the dcs.

Look for local groups on MN or Facebook. Ask HV to recommend a toddler group, they may be able to introduce you to the chairperson or secretary so you know one person there. Build on any fledgling friendships that you can start. Ask HV if there are any support groups for parents in your area or befriending services.

If you can spend time with other families, especially lone parent families it will distract you from his crap and also give you plenty of hope that you can have a happy future.

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 20:01:38

Homestart wouldn't think you were a "fraud", you could show the coordinator this thread. You can self-refer or ask your HV to do it. I am a volunteer, if I were in your area I'd be very happy to support you.

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 20:06:40

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to say, in terms of what you need,if you told Homestart you were lonely and could do with a listening ear/someone to talk to/help developing friendship groups ,I am certain they would help.

Give them a call.

bulletproofgerbil Sun 19-May-13 16:37:29

Totally agree that Homestart would not think you didn't need support. As soda1234 says, asking for someone who you can just talk to and who will listen, is totally valid. It can make a huge difference just being able to say stuff out loud and hearing how it sounds/how it feels. Like Soda says, that's one of the things Homestart is about - being there for families on an emotiional/listening level when things are tough.

I like your new name btw. Keep on keeping on Ibegin. I hope now is the start of a new beginning for you and the DC.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now