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How do you walk away when you have no one else in the world? I need to believe I can do this.

(62 Posts)
SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 13:07:31

We have 2 young dc.

Last year h held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. It wasn't the first time he had been violent to me over the last 15ys but it was the first time he had used a weapon and the first time I grabbed the phone and called the police.

This marked a turning point and I asked him to leave. He never would have left before but as the police and ss were involved now, he did as I asked. I dropped the charges despite pressure from the police.

He has lived in various places since then. Always claiming poverty as to why he cannot find a permanent place to stay. Slowly but surely he has managed to convince me he should come back. We had a nice family weekend the other week and it was everything I want.

I haven't let him move back in yet though as another issue we always had was debt. He is irresponsible with money and ran up lots of debt (mainly in his name) without me knowing over a period of 4-5 years.

I agreed for him to come back as long as I have complete control over the money. He won't allow that so has been playing his normal emotional blackmail games ever since.

The difference is that I have had a year to see this from a distance and even though he thinks he knows how to press my buttons, I feel like a different person now. Stronger.

But although life without him is easier some parts are just rotten. The family days where it is just me surrounded by families, I can't imagine holidays with another adult to talk to.

These are poor reasons to stay with him I know. But for various reasons, I have no other family. I have friends, one close one.

I can't even get a job to help see other adults. Before he left we were working shifts around each other. When he left he refused to look after the children so I had to quit. He also refused to help towards the mortgage so I had to claim help with the mortgage payments. This help is the only way I have managed to hold onto the house. Tbh I would love to sell the house but we are in neg. equity and would end up with a shortfall. So I am trapped.

How do you leave when you know is the only adult you speak to on a daily basis. Without him, no cares if I live or die.

squeaver Thu 16-May-13 14:13:42

I think this might help you Women's Aid Survivor's Handbook

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-May-13 14:15:37

"If I get a job tomorrow for example, I will lose all the help I get atm with the mortgage "

If you got a job tomorrow you'd probably find that, with two children, the Tax Credits you'd qualify for would more than compensate for the mortgage assistance.

It would be worth it for you, I think, to take some time to get really up to date information from places like CAB, a solicitor and the www.turn2us.org.uk benefits checker. You're understandably very pessimistic at the moment but I think, if you did some digging and got better informed, you might find there are ways to make your life much better

themidwife Thu 16-May-13 14:18:14

He will very soon revert to his previous behaviour I think. It's time to cut the ties & move forward with your life. New good people will come into your life if you make the space for them by getting rid of him for good.

EccentricElastic Thu 16-May-13 14:20:03

Soconfused...
can I ask how old your DC's are? if they are attending school or playgroup, is there any chance of you trying out adult Education services as you say you would like to study, so these might be an ideal first step towards that.
The classes only run during term time so that there is no problem with childcare, and if an adult is receiving particular benefits, then they don't pay for the course. There are a wide range of subjects on offer from belly dancing to history, Art, and Maths etc.

They are provided by both your local Education Authority, and by the Workers Education Association (WEA - a government funded organisation).

In addition, as these are adult Ed' classes, there will be other adults there for you to connect and communicate with.

I teach these myself, and have seen lone people join a class, and only a short time later, they are socialising with others learners outside class time.

If you want to know more, then PM me, and I'll try to help in whatever way I can.

Isetan Thu 16-May-13 14:28:16

If you let him back in, there will be a next time and the next time might be your last. The loneliness, the lack of money etc all have solutions that you can influence (even when those solutions are not entirely what you would have wished).

There isn't a secret key or combinations that will magically turn this man into a responsible, caring and supportive individual. Accept him for what he is and invest your energies into making more friends, hobbies; anything that would improve your life and the lives of your children.

Let go of the fantasy before he it kills you.

SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 14:28:48

Eccentric my dc are 2 and 5.

DD1 is in reception and dd2 will start nursery next year.

I need to do something though. This is my first period of not working (except for mat leave) and I don't think its helping.

Lemonylemon Thu 16-May-13 14:32:58

But although life without him is easier some parts are just rotten. The family days where it is just me surrounded by families, I can't imagine holidays with another adult to talk to.

This is something that will get easier with time. I was widowed before my daughter was born, so our family holidays have been me, DS and DD. DS is 10.5 years older than DD who is now 5.5. I think, to be honest, I was too busy to think about it before. When we were on holiday, the kids would stay up a bit later and I would go to bed a bit earlier, that way they had fun staying up and I didn't get the lonely late night spot. It will get easier....

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-May-13 14:33:05

You're right about being out of work not helping. If you're stuck at home all day with no adult company you'll grab onto this guy like a drowning man grabs a life-vest... But if you have a job and you feel productive with other adults to socialise with then I'm sure you'd have a completely different perspective.

SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 14:33:17

squeaver - Thanks for the link. I will look at it properly once I've put the dc to bed. Have to go and do school run now.

Thank for you all. I needed that kick up the bum.

SoconfusedRightNow Thu 16-May-13 14:39:45

you'll grab onto this guy like a drowning man grabs a life-vest

This is exactly what is happening atm I think.

EccentricElastic Thu 16-May-13 14:42:08

Right. The classes are 2 hours long so you would need childcare for the little one for that time.
It is possible that there is funding available to provide childcare for you, though you would need to check that with whichever education provider you decided on. OR - there may be creche facilities available at the centre where your chosen course takes place.

Also, many years ago when I was in your situation I discovered a family centre quite close to where I lived. I began by going to the mum and toddler groups as a service user, then graduated to being a volunteer. I was always able to take my ds with me and if I was busy he was looked after by someone else at the centre. Because of the volunteering I took my mini bus driving certificate which meant I could drive for the centre, doing such things as driving the OAP's for a day out, or the Mums and Tots to the seaside. They would look after my little one, and in return they got driven to where they wanted to go.

Is there a family centre within reach where you are?

Doing this meant that for short periods, I wasn't just 'mum to my ds (as important as that is) , and I wasn't just 'that single mum' , I was a person in my own right.......and I had lovely, kind, caring, adult company!!!

thistlelicker Thu 16-May-13 14:47:34

What if the next time he threatens u with a knife and causes injury? Or the kids see it???? He isn't worth ure time sweet x

Joy5 Thu 16-May-13 14:50:26

I'm in the same position as you, living in the family home but don't earn enough to pay the mortgage, been left with such a bad credit rating i've been turned down every time i've tried to rent (ex keeps missing mortgage payments so would like to move to stop him having the power to do it anymore).

I'd say speak with a solicitor for a free session, find out what your legal rights are, but don't take him back.

Its hard work being a single mum, very lonely, i've no family and since my son's death nearly five years ago, i've struggled to go out socially. I can't cope very well in crowded pubs etc.

But i'm keeping in touch with my friends, going for coffees etc in the day time, i do spend most evenings alone, my younger sons are both teenagers with their own lives, but after 18 months of it, i'm happy with my own company, i keep busy walking the dog lots, that gets me talking to people too, and i've started gardening for a few people i know, so i'm earning extra money and i get to chat too.

Lifes different as a single person, but i've found as time goes on, i've found more time for different things, things i wouldn't have thought of when i was single. It may take a while, but you'll get a social life eventually.

Its normal to have down moments when you're newly single, but don't let those moments make you take a backwards step, the hardest part was splitting up in the first place. You've done that, so just take every day one day at a time. smile xx

squeaver Fri 17-May-13 11:49:19

How are you today, soconfused?

BalloonSlayer Fri 17-May-13 12:02:32

What would SS say about you allowing him to move back in with you?

I thought that they have been known to remove DCs if the mother lets the physical abuser back into the home?

And I do hope you see the irony in saying, about this man who held a knife to your throat and threatened to kill you: "Without him, no cares if I live or die."

yummytummy Fri 17-May-13 12:16:49

Soconfused I can identify how u feel. I am atm trying to get out of an abusive relationship.

Definitely contact womens aid and get the free half an hour advice from solicitor. There is also a free legal phoneline called rights of women. Doing stuff makes you feel stronger even if u dont act on it immediately.

When I leave I also will have no one my family have said they will disown me and I will get a massive cultural backlash.

I also dont really have another adult to talk to other than him but that can change. Its so hard but we can make it better

yummytummy Fri 17-May-13 12:18:20

It can only be better from here on in. Well done for not letting him back in.

Seems to me your life is in a limbo because you have not made a final decision regards to your husband. I suggest you get on with the divorce and separate from him completely.

Move on, find a job, find friends!

bulletproofgerbil Fri 17-May-13 12:35:58

I think you can feel far more alone and isolated in a bad/violent relationship than you can ever feel on your own.

You can get through this. It will be hard but definitely easier than trying to live a life accompanied by a violent partner. There are worse things than loneliness in my experience.

Any hardship now will be so worth it. You will be building a future for you and the DC that is safe, where you make the decisions that are best for you all. Talk on here, maybe contact Home Start and try get some support there if poss. But keep telling yourself you will get stronger and stronger without this guy's influence in your life and bit by bit you will start to feel in control, safe and more content.

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:09:03

Sorry, have been doing a lot of thinking.

h has been causing me lots of problems today though so wanted to post to get it clear in my head.

He is threatening suicide. I reconise this pattern of behaviour. It was in this frame of mind he threatened me with the knife.

He is angry because I told him that I've decided he cannot live here anymore. He has since said he loves the kids too much to be a weekend Dad so won't see them anymore.

Which is good thing as I don't trust him when he is like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:28:29

The threats sound pretty empty but be very careful if he's angry because abusive men are at their most dangerous when they know the game's up.

MushroomSoup Sat 18-May-13 17:29:33

Hang on in there.
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!
It doesn't matter what emotional crap he tries to lay at your feet - that's not your problem. He is not your responsibility.

soda1234 Sat 18-May-13 17:32:49

Hi so confused,

I second a visit to your local CAB, they can run a "what if" benefits check, ie what would happen if I returned to work FT/PT.

Please also consider Homestart, a volunteer would come to your home for a couple of hours a week to provide a listening ear/support you in any way you choose

soconfusedrightnow Sat 18-May-13 17:41:59

He always threatens suicide when things go badly wrong for him.He won't do it.

I just don't want him turning up on the doorstep. Because that means he's really lost it.

I've switched my phone off as I can't take anymore of the emotional blackmail.

Hopefully I won't hear anymore from him this weekend - but I think thats dreaming tbh.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Even when he moved out I thought we would get back together. But now I don't even want to. Before it felt as if circumstances forced my hand (ie the knife incident) but now I'm actually making the choice not to be with him.

He left a year ago but I feel as if I'm just starting to break away from him. Without this thread I wouldn't be doing this. You have all opened my eyes to him and made me see that I can do this.

There are worse things than being alone.

thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 17:44:06

We may have opened your eyes but you're the one walking the walk and talking the talk. You're doing that... you... and that's mega-guts. smile Just please.... stay safe, keep your phone close and, if he does turn up on your doorstep, call the police rather than exchange so much as one word.

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