Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(605 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
Send the text - your stuff will be at X location at X time. THEN switch phone off.
Just feel as though he's killed every bit of hope and faith and love inside me, as over dramatic as that probably sounds.
I love life even despite some of the knocks I've had and can still be like a kid at Christmas over the smallest things, but all his bellyaching and excuses and now I feel more like Victor Meldrew than a young woman.
I will ignore I can easily enough leave his stuff over his fence or at his mum's without saying a word.
He'll be panicking soon as it's his sisters wedding soon and he'll want his show pony there, he wouldn't want his family thinking there's anything wrong.
Meeting some mums from school for kids to play over the weekend so will force me to liven up a bit.
Castro, they probably are the same man! Yes although it is now August I think in my head I gave up on him ages ago, probably after Christmas which is why he's upped his game. Keys shouldn't be a problem, I'd never given him a key, found out he'd had one cut behind my back which I've had back. There are some things but that can be easily sorted.
stay strong. it will be hard at first but honestly you will get there, just concentrate on you and ds. find things you enjoy, be with people that make you feel good.
i started telling myself little mantras everyday just silly things like i am cool, i am funny, i am hardworking, loving, sexy, a good mum, anything you want, feels kind of stupid at first but it works.
and don't worry about him facing his family without you, that's his problem.
looking back i realise how anxious and negative i was with him, probably from just waiting for it all to go wrong again. I've still got a little way to go but im happier now x
Every time you think you might give in, remember that you'll be HURTING YOUR CHILD. Sorry to be hard but it's true. Look it at like that and you'll find the strength to get out and stay our. Because you wouldn't hurt your son would you?
Yes it's like walking on bloody eggshells.
Something that's just dawned on me. He's being a nasty little man now, but sometime soon he'll start being way over the top nice. And it leaves me stunned.
Just like when my ex was violent, but then turned into an emotional, sobbing, sorry wreck who'd do anything in that aftermath to make amends.
It leaves me almost emotionally dependent. My own moods reflecting off their highs and lows.
And although one was physical it doesn't feel a lot different.
Fourwillies well all of this certainly won't have done ds any good.
It's one of those things were ds has a warm clean home, nice meals, has a nice bath, story and clean pjs for bed each night. He's never short of cuddles and affection. He has plenty of lovely toys and clothes, plenty of days out together.
At some point I almost felt as though I had to make it work with ex p, because it would be great for ds to have 2 parents, and because I'd introduced p so if we broke up and he disappeared that that would be even worse. He's in all our family photos, holiday photos, Christmas videos. It's not that I have disregarded ds in all this, but for a long time I thought I was the problem and I could fix it.
Also ex p was never negative with ds when he was a toddler, he was fine. It's only since ds has started getting older some negative things have come out, and even then I've thought perhaps I was just being precious or picking because he's not ds real dad.
I always knew the coming and then disappearing for weeks was terrible, but even then I thought 'Oh ds is only 2, he's only 3, he has no concept of time'.
It's crept up on me and I've made excuses but hopefully we can come back from it.
If you genuinely want to remove this guy from your life because he is involving you in a relationship that:
- becomes more poisonous as time goes by,
- is sucking your enthusiasm out of life,
- is turning you into someone who is unable to believe that relationships can be anything other than soul-destroying,
- is causing long-term harm to your DC, and
- is fundamentally stealing what could be a fine time of your life,
then I would suggest you respond by SMS to say that you've finally come to the end of the road, you no longer want to be involved with him, and that he should now stay away from you.
Once you've delivered that message, you can tell him by remote means that you'll return his stuff in a way that will not involve any face-to-face contact or telephone conversations.
At the very first sign of any mischief from him, you should say/send an SMS that he is harrassing you and that if he persists in any way, you will report him to the police.
If you don't want to remove him from your life, fair enough. If you're in such a state that you're unable to form any view on what you want, then you really need to be thinking about some form of counselling.
I honestly wish you the very best Mouseyinmyhousey, I'd really like to take over your life for a couple of months and kick some ass, but ultimately what happens is in your hands and within your means.
don't feel guilty about ds,you did what you thought was right at the time, and its not so clear when you're being head fucked. he will be fine, im guessing he's a little bit older than mine, trust me he will be fine if you end this now. mine still asks about xp sometimes, it hurts, its hard but the time in between the mentions gets longer. i just tell him that ex wasn't always very nice / kind and that's why we're not friends anymore.
just remember he deserves better too, you are good enough on your own and when you're ready there are men out there than can commit and be part of a family.
"Don't feel guilty" re your DS: Sure. You did what you know how to do. But now you know better, you have to do better.
It leaves me almost emotionally dependent
Perhaps this is why it's so hard to finish the relationship, even though it's toxic for you, and very toxic to your DC. Perhaps there is some dependency: akin to giving up smoking, in that the habit ruins your health and costs money, but people crave the next cigarette anyway.
It's easy to say 'give up' but everyone knows it's hard to do. Yet it must be done.
Is there anyone in RL that could act as a life coach for you?
Someone to check up on you, someone to account to, as you go through this detox process? A counsellor might do it, or your family.
It will much easier to do this with support. I don't think they have a nicorette for toxic exes, yet, but some kind of solid RL backup really would help.
It is rather wordy I mean when someone takes you on massive highs and horrible lows. When they're gone you just feel numb. Well I do anyway.
That doesn't mean to say I enjoy it, because I don't. But I love the good times and they can be really good, because he's usually doing his best to be really nice and we'll be busy having lots of fun. But then he'll be really, really horrible and vile and it leaves me confused and just wanting that nice man back, and so it goes on and then my mood is dependent on his mood then what ends up happening is I end up trying harder so as not to rock the boat so horrible man doesn't come back.
But what ended up happening is his horrible side would come back with less and less warning and less reason, and I won't lie it's left me feeling completely in a mess.
But I feel positive that I can see that now, because this time last year I couldn't.
I talk to my mum, and she does help, she's the only person I really speak to about personal stuff, because I can trust her, she listens, doesn't judge, and I don't think she can stand ex p so is always quite happy to tell me to keep him away, I don't have to feel that I'm imposing my problems as she's my mum!
I probably wouldn't dare tell most people in my life half the stuff that goes on, I do have my sister and a couple of nice friends who I probably could talk to, I have sort of suggested that all is not well in Mouseys house, but I don't really think anyone can offer the level of support I probably need. And I have to be really careful what I say to my dad and brother because they go mad.
I can see this through, I absolutely 100% want to, because I want a stable life and that's not really much to ask it is?!
Had a couple of texts last night saying he doesn't think he can do this, and. he's coming over today. Also one ringing phone, probably to see if it's switched on.
I'm fairly sure he won't come over today.
He's just so cruel, he says whatever pops into his head with no regard for my feelings at all.
'He doesn't think he can do this' - errr, he's not the one 'doing it', you are!! You knew this would happen - charm offensive/pity party - and you know it doesn't change your decision, so don't react or respond - hold fast, put up your shield of apathy, and don't engage!
PS if he does turn up on your doorstep you won't let him in, will you? Please don't - you have nothing more to say to him, and 'its over please go away' can be said on the doorstep.
If you want it to be over then tell him through a closed door or out of a window that it is over and you want him to leave. If he doesn't listen to a couple of requests of this kind and makes a nuisance of himself, tell him you're phoning the police. if he persists, do phone them.
Yes I've continued to completely ignore. I don't think he'll come over-yet. More likely the texts and calls will build up first.
It's just the way he sends this random bla, with no regard for what I've said, or for how I might be feeling, I know it was to be expected. But it's almost as if he's saying. 'I might want you back sometime soon so just checking in to let you know I might pick up where I left off sometime soon'.
If he turns up on your door step don't even answer the door. It doesn't matter if he's seen you, its your house and you don't have to answer to unwelcome guests.
If he starts to make a scene just call the police to have him removed. His actions will have lead to this nothing you have done, so don't accept him trying to shift any blame on to you.
Can I be happy on my own with ds?
I haven't gone back on myself. I have been getting lots of texts, ranging from: he's coming tomorrow with my engagement ring, to that he'll find someone who will appreciate him, to that he wants the life I want. but I'm not giving him chance, to we can buy a house together and live happily ever after, then back to how I'm evil and expect him to be superman and work miracles and how he's busting a gut for me.
I was sat earlier thinking about what a dark place I've ended up in. At the start of the year I sat wishing I wasn't even Herr anymore because I could understand why he behaved the way he did. I've been thinking about the horrible things he's done and said some I don't even think I've said here, did I mention the engagement that never happened? When he got me to chose a ring but never proposed.
I wonder whether he wouldn't stop until I ended up having a breakdown.
I don't feel like I want to meet anyone else for a very long time, until my dc is grown up.
So I'm resigned to thinking from now on its just me and ds, peace and quiet, I'm thinking that after the last four years that the next four could be bliss right?
OP, not one person reading this thread would think that you should be with this man.
They definitely could be bliss, Mousey. I'm glad you haven't gone back to him
Stay strong, Mousey
and yes, I do agree that you should spend a good chunk of time with just you and ds
you need time to heal, and reflect on the choices you made (or didn't make) that let an inadequate man such as this bring you so low
good for you Mousey, ignoring the texts. He really wont just bugger off, will he? I have a feeling you can get the phone company to bar his texts/calls if you don't want to change your number. let your provider know, they take nuisance calls seriously. Same with anything online. If you think he is going to come round can you confide in a friend who can be with you and deal with him at the front door? Or if not, call the police. Does your family know this is happening to you? anyone IRL? sorry if you have said upthread. try no to let him isolate you, find strength in numbers.
You and your child have a right to live a happy life free from mind games and harassment.
It's just the way at one point he was texting saying how he wants the life I want, which he described as him outside working on a car while I'm making our house all nice. And I thought, that isn't the life I want, I don't even know what I want in life anymore because I can't think straight anymore.
And even though I have moments when I'm missing him, in moments I feel sick and angry at the thought of him touching me. Because even if everything changed now (which it wouldn't) I can't really forget all the horrible things he's done.
I was just lying in bed thinking that this isn't really where I expected to be at nearly 30, but then I was thinking how if I put all of the energy I've used on him into something else, then who knows what I could do.
Raspberry, my mum knows and is supportive and even though he hasn't come round yet I know that tactic now so feel more able to deal with it. I've thought about changing my number, I'm fairly sure Vodafone can't (or won't) Barr one number as I've asked before, they want £25 to change the number, and while it's probably a small price to pay. my contract is up at the end of this month so I can do it for free then.
Mousy, waking up and reading your last post has made my morning! Your self-esteem is blossoming and it's wonderful to read. Well done - you're making a better life for you and dc
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.