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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(605 Posts)
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Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
Is there any reason why you can't get the locks changed? And then make sure he isn't able to get hold of the keys to have duplicates cut?
This is relatively straightforward, it would give you some control by removing from your mind doubt as to him having free, and possibly unwanted, access, and it would be a concrete achievement to put against the swirling confusion of uncertainty.
Mousey, I noticed a while back you said "surely he wont want to be doing this when he's 40?"
Unfortunately many, many men do. When I worked in the pubs in my old town I saw them every day. Men in their 40's who came and went as they pleased and women who desperately did their best to make them settle down. It was often a pretty vile spectacle as the men knew the women would welcome them with (relieved) open arms when they got bored and sauntered back.
Then when they got bored again (because the woman exerted the slightest bit of pressure for commitment, the neurotic bitch,) they'd fuck off again and do as they pleased.
You can never, ever be happy with this man as he has no respect for you.
He won't give you that tidy ending and "permission" to end it because only a reasonable, non-manipulative person would do that - and if he was those things you wouldn't be where you are.
Your choices boil down to:
A. Continue in this relationship exactly as it is until you die (and quite possibly become alienated from DS in the process - one day he will be an adult and he may start to wonder why his own mother continued to allow this horrible man to bully him).
B. get rid of him in the way I have described and live without the "closure" element you seek.
There are no other options.
He is absolutely not making you happy that seems quite clear from your post. So you must tell yourself that over and over again. This man is not making me happy. I do not want to spend the forseeable future like this. As long as you keep seeing him for meals and so on you will never be rid of him. You need a clean break. But it's all very well for everyone to say this. But you need to believe it yourself and then you will get somewhere.
ok, that's an easy one - it's over but he sent a text. If you aren't ready/prepared to change your number just don't read it, delete it. Whatever you do don't reply. Type/write a reply elsewhere and get it out of your system but don't send it to him. Disengage and don't respond. As others say on MN when there is an emotional tug of war, just drop the rope.
As for being single, you are single even if he is there.
It can be daunting, being on your own, but look at it this way, as long as you are unhappy and with him you are not allowing room for happiness and the right one, when he comes along.
That's the thing, you don't need to know what's in his mind. If it is over in your mind, then it is over
I know this, I just mean in terms of in past when I have made MY mine up to end it he's used tactics, all kinds of behaviours from stupid texts asking if I still have his jeans when he I've returned everything to suicide threats, constant texts and calls, flowers, presents, turning up. I have even a long time ago changed phone numbers and he's come round. Obviously I can deal with this even with the police if I need to but it's driving me a bit doolally wondering if this will be a quiet ending or if all this is to come and what steps I will have to take.
There are no real excuses not to deal with anything that comes but it's the frustration of not knowing what's coming, if that makes any sense, perhaps I'm just making issues where there are none.
Nauti I could have locks change too, so no excuses there although I don't know if he has any other keys now.
madbuslady you're right, there's no two ways about it really, I know he won't end it amicably, but he also won't change and be reasonable in the relationship. But I'd have liked one of those scenarios.
I've made excuses with dc too, dc likes him, but dc is too young to know what's right for him and just because dc likes him now doesn't mean it won't still be damaging to dc long term.
The fact that he's all your DC has ever known is a BAD thing!
Just read this thread and am open mouthed at how unkind and nasty this man is.
Mousey - two really important things to say.
Firstly you really really need counselling. I've had it it is wonderful - hard but wonderful. Look on the bacp website and find someone local. You mention your father a couple of times - presumably you own childhood experiences have made you vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship.
Second - you keep asking whether this man will ever commit - wrong question to ask.. The question is why you would want to be in a committed relationship with this lying abusive bully. He moved out overnight? He pulls has lighting abusive stunts over holiday just to fuck with you? He flirts online and bans you from contacting him?
Even if he did commit he would still be an abusive bullying unkind man - the lack of commitment is not the problem - the problem is his personality and character.
He doesn't want to lose you because he enjoys being abusive and you allow him to abuse you. Part of the abuse is sometimes being nice so that he keeps you confused and weak
You will break free - in fact you are already nearly free because you can see the truth.
You need real life professional support from someone who is trained to guide you to an understanding of how yor own childhood led you to this situation.
You have time to protect your child from going through the same issues.
Stay strong - you will get there
This man wouldn't be considerate enough to top himself
Waterat thank you for that lovely post, it was really clear and I was nodding along reading it and also inspirational. I know I must sound ridiculous and exhausting, but I am listening to everything people are saying and even though I haven't sorted this out as I should have I have come back to this thread to try to get back the feeling I had back last month when I felt much stronger and clearer, I hope that within the next few days that clarity is going to come back as it is already.
Gosh, I've just read back this thread, I didn't even get all the way through and I feel like shaking myself.
It's like groundhog day.
It's like looking in on someone elses car crash life, or a soap opera. Only it's not it's mine and dcs life and mental health.
I seriously don't mean for things to get so out of hand, things were so much clearer in my mind going back to the start of this thread, and I've slowly, slowly gone all the way back.
That's one of the most productive things you've posted on this thread Mouseyinmyhousey.
Well it's the end of the week and I haven't made any contact and I haven't yet broke down in tears or turned into an emotional wreck. Which I usually do at some point. I feel sad and a bit meh, like well I knew this was going to happen, and a bit like a miserable cynical old man.
What's really horrible if anyone can relate, is when I first wake up in the morning and remember, I get this horrible sadness come over me, and I think by keep going back to him I'm always just masking these inevitable feelings.
Even though most people would probably say I should be feeling relief.
Mousey, well done so far this week.
You're feelings will be what's right for you, to help you get through it. it will all fade, in time. don't worry about what other people say you 'should ' be feeling, everyone is different.
If thoughts about him come into your head or he actually turns up, try to picture him on the other side of a big window, you can't hear him and his comments bounce off the thick glass. He cannot reach you.
I really think you have self esteem issues and this is keeping you stuck, since you mention your feelings then straight away brush them off as ridiculous. They are not. You are worthwhile and your feelings, thoughts and needs are as valid and important as everyone else's. I can really recommend CBT to help you with all this, your GP can refer you if you say what is happening and the harm it is doing. it's hard work and different for everyone, but it will give you coping strategies and help change your focus and outlook completely.
I have had this relationship. 4 wasted years of too-ing and fro-ing. So here's what I learned:
Sunk Cost Fallacy. Basically, everything you've invested in this relationship is not recoverable. You've already spent all this time and emotion - you can't get it back. Don't throw MORE good love and time at it.
Presumably you want to be loved and live happier ever after? Well by getting rid of this man it puts you MILES closer to achieving that. Hold that thought tight.
Now you have met someone like this, you know what an abusive/commitmemtphobe looks like. Silently thank him for that. You will never fall into this trap again.
If he contacts you (and of course he will) tell him that if he has any regard for you at all he will stay away from you in every manner, and let you heal. If he disregards this you will have even more evidence that this man is awful for you.
Get out and stay out. Sever each and every tie.
In my case I didn't have children to think of, and moved house to get away. Fast forward 13 years, he married someone else and then left her and their children. I married a lovely, normal man and we have a great life and gorgeous children.
Stay strong! x
Well done Mouse
Can I recommend you read a book called the Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout?
It's all a game to him, literally.
Any attempt by you to contact him now will not, I repeat will NOT, elicit an emotional response from him. He's not capable of it.
All he will interpret it as is your next move.
If you want out of the game, you ignore. Then the game play stays with him. He cannot play if you refuse to take the next move.
Get out of the headf*ck chess game Mouse, and rejoin life.
Have you packed his stuff?
Changed the locks?
Changed your number?
If you're a mouse he's a rat.
Hope you have found some strength. Do at least one of the above today
Can you call women's aid? Please? you need more support if you're ever to get rid of him for good.
No I haven't done anything positive yet.
This is difficult to explain but right now I'm finding it difficult to even do my own day to day stuff, like I couldn't even concentrate to write a weekly shopping list, so I've just been floating round the shop each day picking up things for the day. I feel really zoned out like I'm here but spaced out. I'm anxious and jumpy, Someone knocked the front door and it startled me. So I haven't felt any empowerment to chuck all his things in a bag or change locks.
It's not because I'm afraid of anything, or anyone, or because I'm even devastated or surprised. I'm just numb.
I will get my head in order though.
I also know that I might benefit from some counselling or speaking to WA. I know how good WA are as it was a conversation with a WA worker that persuaded me to walk out on my ex.
I have been looking on the local site and it seems that they do counselling through WA in my city. I so want counselling as I've
never had any counselling since my ex. But ringing them feels terrifying.
And I've now had the first text from him asking 'what are we doing then'. Would now be a good time to reiterate that it's over and his things will be at x for him to collect at x. Or switch my phone off for the night completely ignore.
I would say ignore. Don't give him (yet again) the satisfaction of engaging with him.
well done mouse, i understand how you feel because i was in the exact same situation a few months ago.
everytime we split up i cared less and less but then the final time when i knew it was 100% over was really hard. like i knew deep down all the other times that it wasn't for real.
the "what are we doing then" is classic, they could actually be the same man.
going no contact has worked for me but we had already sorted stuff/keys out. so at this stage im not sure, might be better to ignore might be best to get rid of his stuff asap.
can you not drop his stuff at his mums when he's at work?
As soon as you respond to him, you are issuing an invitation to mess with your head.
So it's best to give no response. You need every ounce of strength for yourself and DC. Don't waste any on him.
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