Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When you are in it you don't see it as abusive do you?

(79 Posts)
Orangeandpineapple Wed 15-May-13 15:54:59

I have changed my name.
I posted my dilemma before with regards to my marriage of 27 years. Husband is controlling, negative, moody and just miserable. We usually have a week or so of him being ok. Then a small drama will result in him swearing and slamming about.
When he gets in a real mood he throws things, calls me names etc. (has called me c word) or refuses to talk to me and calls me idiot)
3 grown up children only youngest at home.
Finances controlled solely by him. I am sahm. No joint account.

Everyone of your replies to my situation said ltb and that I was being abused. I couldn't see it. Even now I think is it really that bad? It's not bad all the time. But sometimes it makes me cry and depressed. Probably at least twice a month something happens which causes upset.

My family are holding their breath waiting for me to leave him. But I start making excuses as to why I am still here. I feel sorry or him.

Does anyone else feel the same. What Did you do?

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 00:23:43

Why do I feel as though I have betrayed him? By talking about him to my friend I feel so bad.
Anyone?

Noregrets78 Sat 18-May-13 00:32:11

I know how you feel. I covered over everything for years as I didn't want anyone to think badly of him, also I was too embarassed to admit what I'd put up with for years. I was a full-time working professional by day, and gibbering wreck walking on egg shells by night.

Talking to people about it is a really important step in the process IMO. When you tell someone what's been going on, and see their shocked face you know you're not going mad. When you try to defend his actions and hear how ridiculous you sound, it's so humiliating.

You are entitled to speak to you friend about this. He's the one who is out of order, not you. Abusers thrive on keeping it all behind closed doors, and portraying a charming image to the outside world. Get it out in the open and others will help you see it for what it is.

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 00:39:08

He has been telling a mutual friend how much he loves me. And now I feel awful.
I can't sleep. I keep going over everything in my mind.

Noregrets78 Sat 18-May-13 00:52:39

..and therefore he continues to control you. He makes it harder and harder for you to escape by telling all and sundry how much he adores you. It's so hard, you've been with him so long, but he sounds like a classic case to me. Don't feel bad because he's been saying how much he loves you - it's just words. Sorry it I sound harsh.

Is this friend someone you can trust and confide in? Is this the same person you've been 'talking to' above? If you have someone in RL to lean on who knows you both they may have a really useful perspective.

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 01:03:31

It's a different friend. They were all in the pub together this evening and my husband was saying to them all how much he missed me and loves me.
My husband has called me today and was hey darling how are you doing. He never speaks to me like that when I am home.
I am staying with a girl friend for the weekend 80 miles away.

Noregrets78 Sat 18-May-13 01:12:53

How horrible I bet you feel really guilty. But you really shouldn't. There's a reason you feel so awful, him saying how much he loves you doesn't change that. I really hope that you take the opportunity, being 80 miles away, to confide in your friend and get her thoughts.

I'm going to have to try to get some sleep, hope you manage to do the same x

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 01:15:52

Thank you. Night xx

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 08:42:15

sad I didn't get any sleep. Feel really sick and anxious

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 08:43:43

It's just words from him.
And he's trying to make sure you don't stay away.

It means nothing, from bitter experience.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 08:46:02

Xed posts.

No reason to feel guilty over this man, at alll.

Noregrets78 Sat 18-May-13 08:51:21

How long are you staying with your friend for? Is there any way you can stay a little longer to gather your thoughts?

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 18-May-13 09:09:11

I don't know where the guilt comes from but I had it too sad horrible. That vile song "beat again' by JLS was in the charts when o left, the one whee they sing about how he's going to die of a broken heart if she doesn't get back together with him and it used to fill me with guilt every time. I heard it. You have to try to hold on to the thought that this is not your fault. You need to have an outlet because he is the one upsetting and, yes, abusing you. If and when you do leave, yrs that one action will hurt him, but you're not leaving in order to hurt him. You are leaving to get yourself away from him hurting you.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 09:36:04

Ask yourself how sorry he is for you...

He's only thinking of himself.

onefewernow Sat 18-May-13 10:07:54

I don't know but here are a few possibilities:

- you feel guilty because you value his feelings more than you value your own

- you think his "pain" is your responsibility

- you have got to a stage over time where you have no boundaries

The other point I would make is about what makes people change. It is normally a crisis in their lives or a situation where they feel loss. Your H isn't motivated to change because be has nothing to fear from continuing as he is.

It is a sad truth that some people will treat ( and value you) how you treat and value yourself. The only way you can effect chance is decide on your boundaries, refuse his poor treatment and make sure there are consequence for them. However it has gone very far, so it may not be enough.

-

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 18-May-13 10:46:22

I don't think that people truly change over fear of consequences or losing something/someone. If they do it tends to be a short term change and not a true one because it is extrinsically motivated. I can be on time for work because I know that if I'm not I might lose my job, but it doesn't make me get up early in the morning, most of the time I'm still scrabbling around panicking about being late. That's just part of my personality.

True change only cones from intrinsic motivation, a real desire inside that person to change, not because they realise they will lose something or because they know it is important to someone else or because someone is standing over them with a gun, even. Intrinsic motivation to change is very rare and you can't actually influence it.

The other problem with extrinsic motivation to change is that it can often cause resentment, ever seen someone give up smoking for a partner and then start again worse than before when they split up? If you're pretending to be someone you're not in order to please someone else then you often feel trapped, stifled and resentful towards that person in the end.

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 22:19:31

Thank you for your replies.

I don't know why I feel this tremendous guilt and sense that I am betraying him and going behind his back.

I have decided to stay with my friend for a few more days. But to be honest I have made up my mind that my relationship will come to an end. It's just the how and when I need to sort out. I can't stay in this marriage. I am frightened of ending it. For a lot of different reasons.

His reaction. Security. Support. Finances. Scary.

I have so much going on in my head I am trying not to over think it all. It causes the anxiety to kick in. Then I am weak.

Noregrets78 Sat 18-May-13 23:35:26

Well done for making a decision. Again I hope you manage to sleep rather than over thinking it all too much.

In terms of your worries - some of them are no doubt valid, like his reaction - you know better than any of us what that will be. But in terms of security and support, it doesn't sound like you've had much of either. Please don't be afraid of what the future holds, I suspect you'll find yourself stronger than you think once you're free from him.

Finances I don't know enough about you, but I know I'd rather be broke and happy.

Orangeandpineapple Sat 18-May-13 23:59:52

Thank you.

I am exhausted so going to try and sleep. Xx

catkin14 Sun 19-May-13 00:18:27

I left my H of 27 years 8 weeks ago. He was a very critical man, nothing was ever right, my DS never had a word of praise from him only criticism. He didnt even know where they lived until 8 weeks ago.
It took me years to leave him and the lifestyle that i had was envied by many. He too would tell me he loved me but i heard the words and never saw the actions.
Neither of us was happy but it took me to say the words and make the move. At first he was distraught and cried constantly, begging me to go back, promised he would change but i stayed strong and now 8 weeks later he is moving on finally and agrees we were not happy together.
I cannot deny it has been hard but i am beginning to feel alive again. Some days are scary but you get through.
My biggest regret is that it took me so long to pluck up the courage.
I wish you luck, I found a book that i had 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' and the author says there are no bad decisions just different oportunities..
You can do it! If you really want to. And when you do you will find many people have left after a lot of years and life begins to have hope again!

ElectricSheep Sun 19-May-13 01:12:39

I think you feel guilty when you start to internalise and accept their view of your relationship. Because, to them, they are entitled to treat you as they do, you are the unreasonable selfish one to 'moan' about it. You are betraying your loving, reasonable partner. It's all part of the gigantic, exhausting headfuck that is ea.

It gets you so confused. Because somewhere deep inside is a still, small voice that keeps telling you that they are weird, illogical, unreasonable, nasty, vicious... and dangerous. And that you must leave in order to stay sane and survive. You try your best to ignore it. Because you are not important afterall, your feelings don't count. It is actually easier to learn to ignore how you feel, more convenient. But that voice... it won't go away. It's your survival instinct. So you feel permanently conflicted, confused, guilty... and very drained and stressed.

Playing the part of the loving partner in front of others is something abusers are very good at. They are very convincing, but some people sniff out the insincerity and see them for the creeps they are - you will hear about this when you leave wink

OP, you've done the right thing deciding to stay where you are. You need to rest and relax. You don't have to tell him you are going you know? You can just plan it all out and then go when you are ready. I did it like that because I was scared of his reaction and just couldn't face all the histrionics and arguments. I just went one day when he was at work. He rang, texted, followed me but I haven't spoken to him since the day before I left. And most of the things I worried about, weren't an issue in reality. I manage financially, didn't miss him one bit and felt almost instantly x100 better. Stopped having anxiety/panic attacks. Felt at peace and free for the first time for a decade. Only regretted staying so long.

Slothlorien Sun 19-May-13 08:43:34

Brilliant beryl! So true

Orangeandpineapple Mon 20-May-13 02:41:15

Have spoken to my dd today. She has told me that her dad has been out every night I have been away and got blind drunk.
She thinks he is having a mid life crisis. She also said she had been talking to her sister about her dad and I splitting up.
I'm shocked that she was fully aware of the situation as I have tried to keep it from her.

Orangeandpineapple Mon 20-May-13 13:23:16

sad

Lweji Mon 20-May-13 16:22:07

What are their feelings about it?

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 20-May-13 18:28:37

It's not necessarily a bad thing that it's out in the open - at least you can be honest with them about it now. How old are they?

I suppose it's also proof that no matter how much you think you're shielding them, DC are usually more aware of things than we realise. Please don't think it's your fault.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now