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Bitter ex wife and new girlfriend

(47 Posts)
Singledad5871 Wed 15-May-13 05:14:14

Hi, I split up from my kids mum 2 years ago and have been resident parent since then through a long and still ongoing court battle. My ex left to live with somebody she met through AA - who had 4 grown up kids ( who all testified against him in court). I met the most wonderful girl a year ago who also has 2 kids the same ages as my 2. In recent weeks as it has looked like I will receive final residency, my exes behaviour has worsened and is trying to control my life through the contact she receives for the kids. This has affected my new relationship - my gf wants me to sever all contact with the kids mum - phone, f2f etc - especially as handovers are problematic - but this has proven more difficult as she has refused to give the children to my aunt that I designated to get the children for me. My gf is raging with me because I have had to now go with my aunt to collect the kids and didn't tell her that I had! Two parts to this - what can I do to cut contact with ex and how do I heal my relationship - my gf is really the love of my life?

Mosman Wed 15-May-13 05:19:58

The GF has to understand that you cannot sever all contact, I would say it is impossible.
If she wants to continue her relationship with a single dad then she needs to grow up a bit imo.
I have never dated people with children when i was single because I realise that is not a situation I would want to be involved in, surely she needs to give the matter some thought a long time ago as to whether it's something she can handle ?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 15-May-13 05:54:20

I met the most wonderful girl woman a year ago

Fixed it for you grin

Honestly, as angry as your ex sounds I see a lot of red flags with your new gf.

Do you try to control her handovers to her ex, and if not done in a matter you deem correct, 'rage' at her? I didn't think so.

However bitter your ex may or may not be, she's right to be furious you are letting your girlfriend dictate handovers.

FWIW, I'm a stepmum as well as a mum. smile

You want this to work, you need to sit down and firmly tell her no more tantrums about your DC's mother. I'm sure for what's best for them if they say 'well mum said...' You suck in a deep breath and don't insult her to your children, no matter what she's said?

Your GF sounds extremely controlling.... FWIW, abuse (emotional/physical/whatever) tends to start when a relationship is at this stage.

Good luck, I hope your talk goes well but please do keep your eyes sharp.

Your girlfriend sounds awful. Why are you letting her control you like this?

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 15-May-13 05:59:24

Just saw the no phone calls, no f2f shock

Do you really think your new girlfriend isn't the controlling one? [snort]

Sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Two years of bitter divorce, yet an intense one year long relationship?

Enjoy round two.

lunar1 Wed 15-May-13 06:04:54

No matter how bad your ex is, she is the mother of your children. It is completely unrealistic to have no contact with her.

Your girlfriend sounds controlling, and completely unreasonable. You really need to think if she will be a positive influence on your children's lives as she sounds very self absorbed.

Lavenderhoney Wed 15-May-13 06:20:54

Your gf sounds very controlling tbh. You can't sever contact with your exw- you have dc to discuss. It would surely upset the dc if you even contemplated this? Parents evenings, sports days etc- a world of trouble coming up.

It must be very confusing for your dc, with her refusing to hand them over etc. do you live together? It's all gone very fast hasn't it, in just a year.

Stepmooster Wed 15-May-13 06:26:16

My DH ex-wife married her affair partner. For 4.5 years he has been present at every handover of my husbands son EOW. The timings of the contact start/end revolve around when he is not working. Except when I started to do Friday evenings instead (DH is on extended paterntiy leave and I work nearer to them).

In past DH would agree something with his ex only to get an email later from her to say my DH is not happy with that and we'll have to change it.

Its highly frustrating for DH, where as I trust my DH not to run off into the arms of his ex.

The only ones who really suffer are the kids. Are they going to warm to someone that controlling? Is your GF going to control them too? She isn't going to become their mother she can never be that. She has to respect your ex and the relationship your children have with her.

If it were me I'd not rush it and see how things go.

AuntieStella Wed 15-May-13 06:45:20

Could you clarify the age of the "girl" you are now with?

I am assuming she is very young from that description. So if under say about 21 and with two children, then she may well be exhausted or in a difficult place for some other reason, then it is likely she won't behave rationally at times.

For her demands are utterly unreasonable. You will never stop being their father. But as she is still a girl herself, she might not realise that admin communication is necessary.

Time may persuade her, especially as she matures and gains experience of what your contact with DCs and their mother actually means in practice.

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 07:05:30

Oh dear, I think you picked another bad 'un

chattylady61 Wed 15-May-13 10:21:18

I am going to support you gf on this! My DP and I had similar problem with his very bitter, very angry very vindicative ex-wife (wtch out for thsese types on MN!). she was very determined during their divorce to sever her childrens relationship with their dad. eventually contact order issued. but ANY involvement with her - and we are talking 2-3 years after the divorce - about contact she made into an excuse for conflict: screaming, shouting, abusive. she tried all the tricks to disrupt their visits like removing them on "trips" etc. Anyway obviously this was hell for the kids. But it was also hell for us as a couple and started to affect our relationship as he would come home from contact visits fraught and upset, as doubtless she intended. So I put my foot down and said no more involving her, speaking with her, emails or phones etc and my DP cut off contact completely. I also wrote her a letter says we would call the police if she did not stay in the car at handover (She had habit of coming to my DPs car and holding open the door, screaming abuse and financial demands in front of their kids and had been arrested before for attacking me and making false charges of child abuse against my Ex....). Obviously the best solution post divorce is a cooperative parenting relationship but with an ex whose determined for that not to happen, nothing is better. Since then our lives and his childrens lives are much more peaceful and contact visits are much better. His kids are older and now come by public transport or quick handover at end of their mums road. Also - and heres your gf view is right - you need to commit to your new relationship and cut off the old one. Shes you new DP. Show it by showing her loyalty and acting to cut the bitter ex out of your life. That will help you have a stable and much happier relationship going forward. Dont let you ex break you up. I know me and Dp are much more happy and stable as a couple now. Forcing him to make that decision was good for us and his children. Your GF is right!

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 00:43:19

I say 'girl' just because that's the term we use - she is only 4 years younger than me. My ex has called Social Work and police onto us for trivialities - eg my little boy falling off a fence. She has turned up at my door knowing I wasn't in to confront my gf when her two kids were in - all our kids are under 7 years. The stress of it all has bled into everything and my ex is so blind to things she can't see it's the kids suffering - I'm an adult I can deal with being shouted at - the kids get upset and that's what my gf is seeing - the effect on them.

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 00:53:26

@lavenderhoney - no we don't live together, we still have our separate houses but in terms of kids stuff, my ex despises me, yet she had the affairs and left me which is ironic - anybody looking at her would think I had left! As a result she wanted a separate parents evening which she takes her affair partner to - winds me up no end as that (I believe) is for parents only. There is zero communication or cooperation - for example my little girl wants to do gymnastics but because it falls in exes contact time she refuses to take her as its 'her time'

bbqsummer Thu 16-May-13 01:13:25

Need more information really singledad, but I agree with chattylady that the nightmare you describe can totally bugger up your life.

I had a long-term boyfriend whose former partner was terrible. Dire. Abusive.

You have to make a choice really - if you really love your GF and cannot see a way to make your ex be reasonable then you need to do both your GF (and your kids so they don't witness any more shit from your ex wife) a favour and drop the GF.

If your relationship with gf is going to work out, you need to sort it with your ex wife first - set up court order for handovers, cut her out of your life apart from minimal legal contact. make sure your children are settled and know what's going on and don't upset them.

pack the gf in and get serious about sorting your shitty ex-wife out, and contacft issues with your children.

Then maybe get bacmk in contact with this gf. If you're worth it she will be more interested than before. Poor bloody woman, I feel sorry for her - having to put up with all this crap from you and your ex and you are not sorting it out.

Lavenderhoney Thu 16-May-13 05:00:30

If you don't live together then I don't see how your gf is so involved with pick up and drop off.

Until its all sorted out with the courts, then she really should back off and let you deal with it until its all over. It's just extra stress trying to manage her expectations when your dc should come first.

You need time and space to manage this so it would be better to not see her if she can't handle she isn't part of it, ie her say is just opinions and can't manage and control. Going forward, your dc have to come first always, and if this means some contact with your ex, so be it.

Gymnastics - have a look for other courses or book her in in sept for a course starting and fits your residency.

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 05:50:57

Hi, the long term plan is to live together with my GF, and I agree that contact with my ex has to be minimal (email or solicitor) as her having my mobile number ends up me getting huge ranting ( not abusive) excessive texts or her dictating times to call the kids. To put it into perspective - my ex gets the children 2 nights per month residential and sees them after school - primarily due to the fact she and her partner were both alcoholics and his 4 children testified he used to beat them with a rod. I have taken advice from HV and SW who both agreed that removing myself (my ex has spent 2 years trying to get me to lose my temper by being aggressive to me and handovers are always a 2v1 situation) from potential risk and conflict is the best option. My ex behaviour has escalated since I met my gf and later since the kids became part of it as she was quite happy when I was on my own.

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 06:01:34

@bbqsummer - I have been everywhere to try and sort it out, as a dad my pleas to social work are largely ignored. My ex has tried to alienate the children towards me (saying I'm a 'horrible man') and my 6 year old daughter knows there is a court battle and decision. The Sheriff in the most recent date in court took the solicitors aside to say he was most likely going to give me residence and the contact should be negotiated but after my first proposal my ex took 6 weeks to reply saying that she 'offered me' 3 nights per week - I have looked after the children for almost 4 years and 2 years exclusively since we split - i had 2 years of her being drunk and then not being in with 3 different affairs (which i found out later) My GF was aware of my ex what was happening etc - I want to remove the strain and worry-and yes I have looked to have it legally done - I have spent £50k on my court case so far

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 06:09:27

@chattylady I'm with you on this - my kids come first - and while I encourage them to have a relationship with their mum, my relationship with her has to be minimal as, in my view, she has no place in MY life, only the kids. I do love my GF and I want to do the best for everybody, my ex isn't reasonable - no cooperation or flexibility - I offered mediation to try and remove the acrimony, even the school has commented on how she twists everything with the head teacher of my kids school standing as a witness to show she twisted things said by the school. I see no alternative but to have her removed so I'm free to get on with my life, with the kids settled, stable and happy

nkf Thu 16-May-13 06:24:46

Can you and your children really tolerate two shouty women in your lives? I can see that the ex has to be accommodated somehow because of biological ties to the children. (though I know some people would disagree.) But a raging girlfriend? Who wants you to sever all contact?

AuntieStella Thu 16-May-13 06:45:12

The common factor here is you, as you chose both these 'girls' and they are both behaving unreasonably.

You need to think about whether and how much you want either in your life. Neither sounds "lovely".

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 06:55:21

That of course is a valid point, but until the behaviour escalated things were great - no fights or arguments, disagreements yes.

unapologetic Thu 16-May-13 06:56:31

I don't see why your girlfriend has to be so involved with everything, especially as you don't live together. It is not healthy for you/her/the children for her to be 'raging' about this, however difficult it all is. Also it seems you moved on very quickly to a new partner. That in itself would be a recipe for disaster. I feel really sorry for your children in all this mess.

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 07:12:53

Tbh my marriage died 4 years ago with the alcoholism and living hell that me and the kids went through, but I would never have left my kids. For my first 6 months I was completely focused on just me and the kids, but I met my GF over a year after the split. I have no issues or bitterness over the split - but we do plan to build a long term life together and while my ex does her irrational things - that's hard to do. I understand my GFs anger - she felt I was hiding things from her when I didn't tell her I was going with my aunt - typical male acting without thinking thing hmm

nkf Thu 16-May-13 07:40:55

Six months is nothing. A year is not long.the only use mn can provide in this sort if situation.us a collection of often brusque opinions from total outsiders. I think you may well find a common view that both your ex and your new girlfriend sound awful.

Singledad5871 Thu 16-May-13 08:33:04

My ex certainly is - and I wouldn't bore people with the details, this is an isolated incident re: my GF - she has stood by me through the stress and strain of court, been there when I need her - the issue I have is managing things so that the kids are not affected, but also limits how my ex can interfere in my life. I'm hampered by the way the court ordered contact is in place with her collecting the kids after school till 6 - it was in place when things were a bit more reasonable - but out of date now - but it means there is a handover every day - where her partner is present EVERY time - often I'm on my own and am met with aggression.

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