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Married to a gambler

(44 Posts)
dontcallmehon Tue 14-May-13 21:48:57

'd' h is a gambler and heavy drinker. He has lied over and over again. Recently his mum slipped up and mentioned £1000 that he'd borrowed from her because he'd spent £1000 in 2 days on gambling. She thought I already knew

I am self employed and work evenings, so I rely on him for childcare. I don't quite earn enough to keep the house on my own yet, but I'm expanding my business in September, so should be ok once that's established. I've asked him not to leave us in a financial pickle; (more than he has already!) but to sleep in the spare room while I get business set up.

I feel strangely calm. I just want him to go. He has done this over and over. His poor mum said she'd disown him if he did it again. I just looked at her and said: 'He WILL do it again.'

We don't have a joint account and the house is in my name only.

dontcallmehon Wed 15-May-13 14:46:02

I keep thinking what I would advise someone to do if I was reading this thread. I know I would want them to get him out asap.

Tax credits help even out fluctuating income!

Yargg Wed 15-May-13 18:03:04

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

OhLori Wed 15-May-13 19:12:37

As you say yourself, I would also be advising someone reading this thread to get out as soon as possible. See a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Not only could you lose all your assets (assuming you have any) but any further debts could potentially be legally attributed to you both, as you are married. The fact that your house is in "your name only" may be entirely irrelevant. You really need some good legal advice. The loss of some convenient childcare may be the least of your worries.

As you say he has done this over and over, it doesn't look like there's much hope. When you feel this calm, it probably means its over.

I feel so sorry that you feel alone, but you are not. Please also remember we feel most alone when we abandon ourselves.

kittybiscuits Wed 15-May-13 19:19:39

Disease my fat ass. He has an addiction. When he admits he has a problem and seeks help, he will be able to change it. That's the crappest advice I've seen for a while on Mumsnet! Don''t let his addiction be your problem OP. x

dontcallmehon Wed 15-May-13 21:36:02

The debt is unsecured and mainly historical (pre dating our marriage). He signed an agreement of non-interest when we bought the house. The cannot seize my house for unsecured debt that is not mine. I will get advice, but I am fairly certain on this. The money he has recently spent was his salary and he borrowed from his mum to pay it back. His credit rating is too poor for him to get access to credit now. He even has a basic bank account.

OhLori Wed 15-May-13 23:05:16

Great that you have done that dontcallme. But I would still get full-proof legal advice to make sure. But anyway, don't you want to separate your interests completely all the same? If you remain legally married to him you are still tethered to his wagon so to speak e.g. if you had windfall or inheritance he would be entitled to half. Meanwhile, he's a gambler. He's a heavy drinker. Its just going to bring you all down. He may have spent just "his" salary this month, but its actually your family money, so you are effectively supporting him and subsiding his gambling. Its sad that he has addictions but bringing you all into this mess achieves nothing.

dontcallmehon Thu 16-May-13 04:31:27

I am awake sad panicky now that if he comes here to look after dc at night, tax credits might think he still lives here.) I've asked him to go to his mum's. He said he needs to save for a flat first. I said that he can't do that, because I can't claim tax credits with him still here. He got angry when he realised that I genuinely wanted him to go.

dontcallmehon Thu 16-May-13 04:32:32

I will see a solicitor. Just need to take one step at a time I think.

kittybiscuits Thu 16-May-13 04:38:36

Hiya dontcallmehon. Sorry you're feeling panicky and it's not surprising as you're making big and positive changes. Ride it out and the panic will pass. One step at a time, as you say x

dontcallmehon Thu 16-May-13 04:43:30

Thanks kittybiscuits, I'll try. This needs to happen, I need to protect the dc's financial future.

kittybiscuits Thu 16-May-13 04:59:50

They and you deserve better than this x

dontcallmehon Thu 16-May-13 11:10:37

Feel awful. Was going to ring the CAB today, but I can't stop crying. I just want my mum, but she's on holiday.

Well you could still ring CAB - I am sure they are used to people being a bit emotional!! Take care.

dontcallmehon Thu 16-May-13 21:03:17

They weren't open today. I can feel myself softening. He has been crying. I mustn't.

Stay true to yourself and what you really want!

OhLori Sat 18-May-13 00:04:43

I was thinking this sounds like a familiar thread. I don't know if you have posted before OP, or this is just quite a common situation? Or you could be a troll, but I hope not ...

Maybe its just me, but I honestly could not stand a gambler, never knowing what they were doing with the money I had earned, such hard work too. Especially if they could sell the whole family down the river. I think it might be useful to ask yourself why you are crying so much? (fair question). And equally, why you don't punch him in the face? Let him lose his own money, not yours or your children's. You have a duty to protect your children.

OhLori Sat 18-May-13 00:06:21

Presumably, the money he spent gambling his whole month's salary, would have paid at least for an amazing holiday for yourself and probably your children in the Carribean.

dontcallmehon Sat 18-May-13 21:59:14

I wish I was a troll. Then I wouldn't feel like this.

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