Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why am I such a twat?

(108 Posts)
SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:45:00

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

I dont think this makes you stupid nor him a user liar ect.

Sometimes people feel stuck with the one they are with and it isnt that easy to leave, saying that I dont think it will do you any favours to carry anything on with this man. Till he has made up his mind and isnt with his partner anymore.

And if you've feelings for eachother, it will be next to impossible to be just friends.

lowercase Fri 17-May-13 18:22:31

I think MN will delete the thread if you want, though I'm not 100%

The world is not against you, stop being a victim, unless you want your whole life to stay this way.

Buzzardbird Fri 17-May-13 13:32:00

I was offering support sad

SucksFake86 Fri 17-May-13 09:52:03

I know I said I won't be replying and as I started this thread I have to expect people to respond because otherwise there would be no point. I would appreciate it if people could let this thread die. I know what I did was wrong but I am putting things right and I just can't take all the personal insults anymore. I shouldn't have written this thread, that was a total mistake as I just can't deal with it. So yes I'm a stupid bitch, naive, desperate, low, boring and whatever else you can throw at me, I know! Please just leave it.

BerylStreep Fri 17-May-13 09:47:33

OP, I am sorry that this is going to sound harsh, but you are falling for every trick in the book. You are the OW, and you are scrambling around trying to justify it.

Shame on you.

Buzzardbird Fri 17-May-13 07:13:24

Don't give up hope Op. For all you know those women at the groups you go to might feel exactly the same as you but aren't as 'upbeat' as you are?
meeting other mothers was terrifying for me as I suffer with anxiety issues and it took a couple of years to really make any sort of friendships.
You have to remember that these other mothers are going to the groups also for some adult company. You just need to chat to the mom of whoever is playing with your son...but don't expect bessie mates from it.
the friends that you drifted away from because of your ex twat are the ones you should be concentrating on. If they were 'real' friends they will still be there for you after an apology and explanation.
good luck Op, don't be dis-heartened. You don't sound to me like you are going to get suckered in by this awful guy again and when you have built or re-built other friendships I am pretty sure you won't want his anymore. thanks
e

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 23:51:42

Maybe you should look to your harshest critic - yourself. Your thread title says it all, that's what you think about yourself.

Tbh I think you've had some damn good advice on here and compared to other similar posts you've not been treated too harshly.

Perhaps reading reactions for part you've played in all of this is not something you're ready for.

The way to make friends is not to alienate people. Maybe the group you attend sees you and OM having cosy chats and that's the reason they give you a wide berth. People aren't daft, I'm sure they maybe sense something is going on between the two of you. Have you ever wondered that?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 22:55:46

I have taken a lot on board and I've got a lot to think about which I wouldn't have if I hadn't of come here. Maybe I underestimated the harsh stuff people would say about me. Yes that may be naive and I'm not looking for any violins, but it's clear I'm not strong enough to take it as some have really hurt me and I don't need to feel any lower. Not looking for any sympathy or anything, just I can't take it all right now. Thanks to everyone that has contributed.

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 22:39:21

like i said, i had to carve a life from scratch.
taking on suggestions and a bit of humility was key.
MN helped me no end, theres some great advice here, but you have to be teachable.

good luck

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 22:25:09

I've had a look on the mn meet ups but the last post was in Nov so not exactly busy but then again I have an answer for anything. I won't post again so this thread can just disappear. Thanks.

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 22:21:57

You have an excuse / answer to everything. I think this is part of the friendships barrier you are experiencing.
It will also block you off from opportunities generally.

tametortie Thu 16-May-13 22:04:01

Whereabouts are you in the UK? Have you tried MN meet ups?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:56:13

Before I had my DS I would spend my spare time before my ex either at the gym or at the pub with my mates mixed in with shopping and the usual cinema trips.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:42:54

I don't mean to sound harsh - im sorry if i did sad I do understad - if i am totally honest i found M&T groups hell on earth anyway. What did you do before you had DS? what sort of things do you enjoy

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:37:41

I know I'm low but I'm trying my best. As previously said I have tried every local group. By that I really do mean every one and I have given them lots
of chances so I'm not just giving up. We go to the park, swimming, sure start, another play and stay and soft play so we're getting out plenty. I don't mention to him that we don't have many friends, he notices himself. I'm friendly and I do try and i never show my true feelings to my DS and am always upbeat. I think it's harsh that you say I'm using my insecurities onto him.

Kione Thu 16-May-13 21:26:10

LEM I drew up with no dad and I only asked at 13 because I hadnt had the guts before. I had the shittiest time at school.and summer camos because i didnt know who my dad was and I never told my mum.
I am not saying OPs son will react like this, but to point out that everyone is different.
Some people just think that their experience is the only valid one!

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:15:47

My DD1 never knew her dad - she did ask about him once, when she was 16!! She was never ever bothered by it when she was younger. She hasn't bothered since, shes 22 now. Please don't make your problems your sons problems - you are projecting your loneliness onto him. I really do feel for you, i just think you are being taken advantage of. Is there a local gingerbread near you?

LEMisdisappointed Thu 16-May-13 21:12:34

Why don't you befriend his wife then? seriously, you say you are lonely and in need of friends - why not her? Seems a natural progression to me.

I do understand you are lonely, but this is going to lead you to heartache, be honest with yourself - you are holding a candle for this man and your self esteem is so low that you would want to be "friends" without benefit just to keep him around? I'm sorry but the minute you give him the slightest bit of encouragement the flirting is going to start again. If my DP had did this, i would be insisting he cut all contact (well actually id have dumped him so you would have had him to yourself) with you. Even if you are genuinely just friends, i wouldnt want him talking to you.

Im so sorry but this man is taking advantage of you - i wish you could see this. Things will get easier - try some new mother and toddler groups, talk to your HV and ask her to recommend some. Try some volunteer work? Something you can take your DS along to - surestart?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 21:12:19

Well from the fb status I'm pretty sure she knows the whole story and of course the partner is friends with them both.

He could well be lying but I trust him.

I said I wouldn't have him until I knew he was over her. I'm glad he loves her more as I said.

Xales Thu 16-May-13 21:12:04

Well you know he is capable of lying as he has admitted he lied to her about who you were.

So what makes you think you, someone he has talked to for only 4 months is so special that he would not lie to you about sharing a bed or sex with his partner?

If he is giving his relationship another try then the lack of sex or sharing a bed is either bull shit or something that is being accepted in them trying again.

Either way is is nothing to do with you and he should not be sharing such information with you.

Well done for setting out your demands for a relationship and before you will have sex to a man already in a relationship. Why were you even having that conversation hmm

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 21:02:48

According to him they haven't had sex for two years, easy to twist the truth to enable him to justify his actions.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 21:02:47

They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months.

That's what he says.

Doesn't make it fact.

And yet despite these claims, he's allegedly confessed all some of the story, wants to try again with her and is even going to the bother of telling his family what he's done.

Oh and failed to act on your invitation to leave his partner, sort out access and then start a relationship with you.

All for a woman with whom he doesn't have a good relationship.

Yeah, right....

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 20:42:09

Distant? We've been speaking to each other for 4 months and we'd been having sex chats for a couple of weeks. They haven't had sex for just over 2 years and slept in seperate beds for 16ish months. I would say there relationship was distant long before I met up with him again!

His mums facebook status speaks volumes, yes I checked it.

I think this has reached it's limits and thanks for all the useful advice.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 20:18:27

And the fact that you're still meeting up as 'friends' speaks volumes.

No wonder his relationship with his partner became 'distant'. He was too busy having sex chats with you!

And now he's apparently going to tell his family another pack of lies, hmm, ok!

Looksgoodingravy Thu 16-May-13 20:15:59

I can't see how his current relationship will stand the test of time as he's still lying to his partner (poor her).

If he was trying to make a go of it he would have told her about you not some fictitious person. Unbelievable.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now