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Why am I such a twat?

(108 Posts)
SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:45:00

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

Loulybelle Wed 15-May-13 20:40:59

Sucks, i got messaged by a guy on mumsnet, we spent 6 days talking all day, sex chats included, after that i never heard a thing from again, he just wanted me to stroke his ego, if he comes back then he can fuck off.

All your doing for this twat, is stroke his ego, get some self respect.

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 21:01:36

I have no social life the highlight of my week is my cuppa at soft play. His father has never seen him and I have no other support and no one to babysit, so it really is just me and DS. My DS loves the other little boy as he's the only other kid that will play with him. My so. Isn't a biter, snatcher or mean in anyway. He does run around mental but he always goes up to other kids with a massive smile on his face but even they reject him. Just seems that I can't do anything right and he's starting to ask why people don't like us and I really don't have any idea.

As I said before I go in friendly, smile, say hi, offer to help make drinks and do the snacks, show interest in the other mums/kids so it's just really frustrating.

Will try again on netmums and see if there's anyone different.
He just makes me smile and I really could do with some in my life!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 15-May-13 21:08:30

You aren't having an easy time of it right now but this guy could seriously complicate life further.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 21:14:12

I really feel for you, you sound really vulnerable, in need of a friend and he is the lowest scum of the low that has spotted this and is trying to get a cheap shag out of it.
By all means let your ds play with his friend but please don't let this jerk take advantage of you. You will feel worse when he finds his next challenge.
if he really wanted you he would end his relationship.
he will have done this before and that is how he knows what buttons to press. You would never trust him.
are you on mn local?
are there any other groups you have not tried yet like library or swimming?

SucksFake86 Wed 15-May-13 21:31:02

I won't let him mess me about it just breaks my heart when DS cries about no one playing with him and he's starting to notice when going out that he's different from lots of other kids and asks where's my daddy? I'd like to say he's a twat, living with another woman and just doesn't care about you but I have to lie. I feel like such a failure it's untrue.

We tried the library but my son just doesn't sit still so it was a disaster and we go swimming when we can but everyone seems to keep themselves to themselves.

I'll have a look at mn local, thanks smile

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 22:45:28

You are not a failure, far from it. His twat of a father is.
will he qualify for any nursery time? Its great for him to mix and you will meet other mums.

lowercase Wed 15-May-13 23:04:23

Instead of going to venues to meet people, go to ' use ' the activity and enjoy it.
Why not go swimming with ds? Sounds ideal for a lively boy.
Don't go swimming to meet people, go to swim!

Lower your expectation of others, it's harsh but they can speak to who they want.

Your son will start nursery and school soon and is bound to make friends, I think it's pretty much fact that infants don't have friendships til 5?

Have you got a sure start centre near you?
I know someone who did voluntary work in the nursery while her son was participating.

There is a way out of this rut, and this man is not it.

Don't waste your life concentrating on real or imagined slights from people.
Concentrate on enjoying life with your wonderful son!

badinage Wed 15-May-13 23:47:53

I heartily agree with the advice to start doing activities that don't depend on forced conversations and small talk with the adults. Swimming's a very good suggestion, but so are pottery/craft sessions, mini football and now summer's coming, even school fetes and fun days. People tend to strike up conversations more naturally where there's no weight of expectation to do so.

What happened to any friends you made before having DS e.g. school or work friends? Does your other friend have other groups of friends you can join from time to time?

I'm sure he's said a bit fat nothing to his partner, but if she does know or finds out what he's been up to, don't you think she'll feel just like you did when your ex did the same? Obviously it's not her 'failure' any more than your ex's behaviour was yours, but I'm sure you don't want to be party to yet another woman's shattered dreams and pain, or another small child's losses.

You are both responsible for jeopardising your sons' mutual friendship by your actions but at 2 years old this is not as disastrous as it would have been if they were in school. Your son will make other friends in other places and you really do need to ditch this bloke, because you can never be just mates with him again.

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 00:08:45

On the other hand........

If it is true he's in a sexless relationship and they sleep in seperate beds then I don't blame the bloke!
If he's found someone who he really clicks with and really enjoys your company I can see why he wants you.
The new life together thing is a bit much admittedly but who knows!

I say all this because I was married to a man who was my best friend - but that's it!

We had a sexless marrage for 3 years (in our early 30's - not normal)!! and eventually slept in seperate beds for a year, I couldn't stand hom touching me but I loved him - like a brother!
I used to lay in bed at night wishing he would find someone else and leave me as it was so hard for us to seperate otherwise.
I honestly wouldn't have seen it as he was cheating on me - I wasn't putting out and we all have needs so I couldn't blame him - she would have been doing me a favour!!

I did eventually call it a day and we split, when we did we were so much happier and get on amazingly well. He found another partner very soon after we split so who know's he may already of had her before!!

Don't beat yourself up too much - shit happens and you may not be hurting his woman as much as you think!
Be a bugger if in 2 weeks it turns out she's been cheating!!

At the end of the day we all need to be happy and this fella obviously wasn't looking to find someone else you just happened to meet and he realised there could still be happiness for him (and probably her) I feel really sorry for people who find themselves in that situation - trapped in a loveless relationship.

Your call do what you feel is right at the end of the day - I for one wouldn't judge either of you x

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 07:51:05

Yeah we do go swimming and my son loves it as do I and we do things and just enjoy each others company. As much as I love baking, painting, glitter, playdoh, swimming and general playing with toys, I just long to sit down with a cuppa and a slice of cake and have a convo not about postman pat, the rhyme rocket or grandpa in my pocket. If that makes me a terrible mum then so be it. It's just nice to watch the boys playing and for us to have a sit down and just relax and chat like normal people.

We still go to the sure start centre but it seems to be the same cliquey people there. I will keep trying but I go mainly for my son and it has better facilities than other groups. I'll look to volunteer/find a job when he's in school but that's still at least 16 months away and I'm just so lonely.

I know kids don't really have friends but it'd just be nice if some would just play near my DS.

I see my other friend every 3-4 weeks and we spend the day together and it's lovely! She lives a good 1 1/2 away so we take it in turns and I look forward to it so much. She's in a similar position although not as bad, but not really possible to get involved in her groups as it's just too far/expensive to do very often.

Friends from work/uni/school have all drifted and my ex alienated me from them. I know I'm to blame too just he was insanely jealous of me going out/speaking to blokes and I just stopped contact.

I feel guilty about the other woman and I'd hate her to feel like I do! I feel like throwing up when I think about it.

I had only ever thought of the situation in the way that Horse describes and not like the majority of you. I just have a gut feeling he's telling the truth and is nothing like my manipulative ex. I did everything I did out of my own free will. I have no real reasons to doubt him but obviously the majority could well be right.

Kione Thu 16-May-13 08:30:24

I only want to add that not always is the oldest lie in the book. I had a stage like that with DP and I told him he could go with someone else to take sexual pressure off me!
Not all marriages are perfect!!
My DP didnt (to my knowledge) find someone else and we had a few better months but no back to square one sad
All am saying is althougj EA are wrong yes, sometimes is true that people dont have sex for years!!

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 08:48:21

You are the one that knows him and can judge the situation.
Does he spend lots of loving family time with his woman?
Even if they seem from the outside looking in like a blissful family behind closed doors that may not be the case!

Not all men are bad, wankers, scum etc, etc as said here before and lets remember there are plenty of women who cheat on their partners.

If they are doing it them something is lacking in their relationship other wise they wouldn't do it!

Most people in that situation only stay together for financial reasons - SAD!! Using the kids as an excuse, do you not think it hurts kids more to see unhappy, unloving parents?
Why anyone would live a life of misery for the sake of money is beyond me!

I think it's utterly unfair for people to say you have no self esteem and self respect, it sounds like they've made him in to a monster and you out to be a nieve little girl - which from your posts I don't believe you are and I'm sure you have lots of self esteem and respect for yourself.

You are a good mum but you have needs too!!
It's not always about your kids!!

Ok you've been hurt, join the club, but you know what it's done you can't change it so put it behind you and move on looking forward.

And yes being a young single mum with a small child can be lonely but you know what - it doesn't last for ever it's just a small part of your life and it does get much better and easier.

Go for it girl, enjoy it, it might not last for ever but if it makes you happy for as long as it lasts then it's been worth it!

Best of luck remember it's not all doom and gloom, you are not a bad person and neither is he you just want love and to be happy x

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 09:06:05

Thanks Horse, no they don't spend any real time together just the three of them. He rushes back after work to pick his son up and do tea, bath and bed and then he's either at the gym or watches tv, reads a book in another room. His partner goes out a couple if times a week with friends so they don't really see each other only when swapping childcare duties. They were never a lovey dovey kind of couple but they see his parents on the weekend and I guess they don't act weirdly around each other.

He said they only had their son to try and fix the relationship and it hasn't worked and the only reason he hasn't left sooner is because he can't bear the thought of being an NRP.

I know things will get better and when my sons older I'll have more chance to be me again, just when you're in the middle of it there just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

He said he's really confused but I have totally backed off so we will see what happens.

Buzzardbird Thu 16-May-13 10:57:48

So he is not going to leave her anyway, so you would always be just a bit on the side?

Horsemadmumof3 Thu 16-May-13 11:21:00

Just throwing this out there...........

May be you would enjoy being his bit on the side?

I have known plenty of women over the years who've been a mans "bit on the side" and couldn't think of anything worse than him leaving his wife so they can be together and its worked perfectly on both sides until it fizzles out and they both move on.

I know it's bleak some times on your own and can be difficult but there is always light at the end of the tunnel smile

Could you not do a part time college course?
Almost all colleges provide a creche for children under school age, it will get you out and mixing with alsorts of different people.

Or perhaps a part time job?
I think you can still claim some of your childcare costs with tax credits (?)
Doing something worth while will boost you no end.

Or start a small business from home?
Ebay/amazon are really easy business's to run, you could get tax credits and still childcare if you needed a few hours a day to get on or just have a bit of time to yourself. Then you could start joining local business clubs and meet some really fab interesting people.

There are many ways to get yourself out there if you really want to so you don't have to sit at home in a long dark tunnel, thinking about this one man, you could be out there with 10 men falling all over you and then you can choose who you wish to see!
It takes time, effort and guts but it gives you focus and purpose as I've said life's for living so go grab it xx

badinage Thu 16-May-13 12:32:26

Oh FFS.

If someone's looking to screw around that doesn't mean their relationship must be faulty. It's often because that someone is faulty and selfish to the core.

It doesn't matter a fuck whether this bloke's telling the truth about his relationship or whether it's a pack of lies. A bloke who's lying to his partner though doesn't exactly have a great credit rating for truth, does he?

If a bloke comes calling and offloads how bad his relationship is, the best advice anyone can give him is to fix it or end it. The worst advice is to say 'shag me while you're deciding what to do'...

If he's that unhappy, he'll leave, especially now he's found a woman who will take him on and who believes the same old pony her husband's OW probably believed about her. Astonishing.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 12:49:11

the only reason he hasn't left sooner is because he can't bear the thought of being an NRP.

What an absolute load of bollocks.

I can't believe that there are women still falling for this nonsense, at a time when men who want to be resident parents and seek shared residence are managing to achieve just that.

Shared residence is more common now than at any other time in the modern history of the UK.

Xales Thu 16-May-13 13:32:55

So they are trying again. But he failed to admit who you are, that you and him were engaged in sexual messaging and picture swapping and that he will still be meeting you on the quiet to have your DC play together.

And you are happy to wait and see what happens while he is lying by omission to his other half and putting down their relationship to you.

You are still an unknown third party in their relationship every time you meet and he discusses it with you. That is twatty behaviour on you part yes.

Not as twatty as his.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 16:07:58

No he told her that we'd swapped pictures and had phone sex. She said she didn't want to k ow anymore and she just wanted him to delete everything. He lied about who I was as he didn't want her having a go at me as he said it was all his fault.

I'm happy they're trying again as I can have my mate back and I'm not going to go down that road.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 16:31:58

What's this about a friend of yours pressurising him into telling his partner about what he'd been up to? What's that all about?

You can't 'have your mate back' and you so will go down that road and then claim it 'just happened'.....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 16:32:17

Horse does say something very true:
..being a young single mum with a small child can be lonely but... it doesn't last forever it's just a small part of your life it does get much easier and better.

Whereas his/her earlier post was a Golden Ticket - you'd be doing his partner a favour, shit happens and we all need to be happy.

Nobody can dictate what you choose to do - just suggesting you look beyond the surface and not jump in blind. Your friend couldn't face leaving his partner because he didn't want to be a NRP but apparently could stomach 'having a laugh' aka spending time with you and exchanging texts. Of course there are implications for both children involved. Your little one might love having a live-in daddy, it's going to impact on his life too. I think you had reservations hence posting, people have given their views, glad you stuck around.

Anyway see what happens but do look before you leap.

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 16:56:59

I don't know why she was so insistent tbh? Maybe she'
Thinks he a twat of the highest order and can see more clearly than me. I would like to think that was the reason other than the only other reason I can think of is that she doesn't want to lose me. I would hope she wasn't like that and even if we did get together I wouldn't abandon her...

He says they are trying again and I'm glad about it. I do still have feelings for him but they will fade and as we met and went back to normal it felt good. He couldn't apologise enough and admitted he was to blame and a twat.

I said that if he changed his mind he wouldn't just be getting with me as there would have to be a period where he can properly get over her, sort out his life and make sure his son is ok with the new access arrangements. I've made it clear he's not jumping into my bed. So maybe the reality of it all has hit him?

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 17:49:20

I think you are being naive at the very least.
You can't go back to a friendship after you have crossed that line.
You both have blurred boundaries, both have motives and your sex conduct has been poor.

It's a shame that you don't have enough within you to end this need ship friendship because it is inviting pain for all concerned.

You do come across very needy, others will sense that and not want to be hostage to it.
He senses it too, which is just fine because he has motives.

lowercase Thu 16-May-13 17:52:15

And how was he to blame?
50 / 50 from where I'm sitting.

You say you have a friendship but you are laying down terms and conditions for your sexual relationship?

SucksFake86 Thu 16-May-13 18:19:09

I agree I am needy, but if all you had in the whole world was your son and a friend you see every 3-4 weeks are you saying you wouldn't be needy? Sometimes the only person to speak to me all week is my son. I love my DS more than anything but it's surely understandable that I need a bit of adult company. I'm lonely and I know people are prob in a worse position and I shouldn't moan but I'm only human.

He said it was his fault as he come on to me and he was the one that has a partner. I told him I was equally to blame but he won't accept that.

I've laid down conditions about a sexual relationship as I don't want him to think he can dump her and then just jump in my bed and play happy families. I think that's made him think and has helped him make up his mind to try again. Obviously his partner wants too aswell or she'd have ended things, but I made sure he knew I wouldn't just have him.

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