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Why am I such a twat?

(108 Posts)
SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:45:00

I'm a single mum and around 4 months ago I met up with an old friend (male) who now also has a child a few months younger than mine. We started to meet up when he wasn't at work and our kids played together and we had a laugh.

About 2 months ago he sent me a random email asking me if I can give some advice on something? When I said yes he replied that his partner and himself had not had sex in over 2 years, slept in desperate beds, only talked about there child and never spent any time together. As our friendship progressed he began to be really flirty with me and I have to say I enjoyed the attention he was giving me. Anyway, we exchanged a few pics and had a flew sex chats. He has now said he's going to come clean to his partner in a couple if weeks.

The thing is he's totally in my head and I know I'm a bitch. He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. I know I should just forget about him, but it's so bloody hard and I genuinely didn't think this would happen.

Aarrrgh!!!

RootinTootin Tue 14-May-13 15:46:22

What does he expect to happen after he "comes clean"?

Windingdown Tue 14-May-13 15:49:50

And what do you want to happen?

Whocansay Tue 14-May-13 15:50:44

I'd see what happens in 2 weeks if I were you!

Ask yourself - if he wants out, why would he wait?

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 15:55:37

I've no idea, he's confused as am I? He's waiting 2 weeks as she's busy with inspections and exams and doesn't want to add to any stress.

I've no idea what I want to happen. I know I fancy him, but I just hate what he has done. I know it hasn't gone that far but I'd still be angry if it was me.

She may well forgive him anyway, who knows?

lisaro Tue 14-May-13 15:55:37

Youre2 his bit on the side. No more, no less. And a true friend wouldnt do that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 15:55:38

"He's been talking about us getting together and our life together. "

Woah.... that's a big step from a bit of flirting. As well as being a nasty old cheat and a liar ('never had sex in 2 years' my arse) he's not only trying to make you feel responsible for his relationship breakdown but rush you into a 'life together into the bargain'?

You're not a bitch. You might have been stupid getting together with this guy in the first place but he sounds like a manipulative snake. Keep your distance, he's bad news.

Leverette Tue 14-May-13 15:56:08

Well, you've allowed yourself to become the OW; how do you feel about that? You bought the oldest line in the book and you're feeling flattered by a lying arsehole. Just tell him that on further thought this is not a road you wish to carry on travelling down and that you wish to have no further contact.

Then enjoy the boost in self esteem that gives you. Much better than receiving a pic of an unfaithful man's cock smile

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:00:51

Thanks everyone, I guess you're right Lisaro, I just didn't want to see it as I'm blinded by him. I don't want to believe it Cogito but it hurts me to admit you're prob right about him.

Now to forget about him, hmmm...

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:01:53

It sounds to me that he set you up with his "problem".
Not sure I'd trust him at all.

I think he's in your head because you feel flattered.

I'd stop it all until I was sure he had actually left.

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-May-13 16:04:07

The two weeks thing...-he thinks he'll get you into bed in that timescale. Prove him wrong......

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:04:13

Leverette I hate myself for it! I've been cheated on and I hate both my ex and OW and I can't believe I've done the same thing to the poor woman. I know I have to forget about him, just he's got in my head and I can't seem to shake it. I know he's a teat and will no doubt do it to me. Thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 14-May-13 16:05:02

By "desperate beds" I'm guessing you meant separate but I suppose if he is in a sexless relationship he will be pretty desperate. You're only getting his side of the story of course. Easy enough to enjoy the attention and not worry about a woman you've never met. You're not the one involved with her so you don't owe her any loyalty but it's already an emotional affair even if it hasn't got to sleeping with each other.

She might have noticed he's glued to his phone and distracted or being grumpy with her and not know what it's about. She might be hell on earth to live with in which case why is he hanging around her still? Maybe he's no prize, perhaps he's crap in bed, maybe he never helps out round the house and only takes his DC out to hook up with other women who are single mums, easy prey.

Usually people tell you, if you take up with a man like this, having cheated on her how will you rest easy when he's out of your sight? He may well do the same. If you have any intention of taking a chance on him and settling down then tell him to man up and let his DP know what is going on. Don't kid yourself it'll all be hearts and flowers, he will be rushing you into letting him move in so he doesn't go without hot meals and somewhere comfy to sleep. If you are getting cold feet now it looks more serious, then call it a day with him, lose his text number and don't go out where he'll be.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 14-May-13 16:06:14

X-post, you know what to do, keep strong don't be the OW who tramples on another woman's life.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:07:05

I asked him bout the "problem" and he said that he just needed to talk about it to someone that doesn't really know him and he wanted to test me. He thought I'd say leave her I think, but he said he was glad I said to try and talk to her, make more effort, improve the relationship and do lovely things for her. He thought it made me more gf material.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:09:23

Thanks Donkey, prob the kick up the arse I needed smile

Leverette Tue 14-May-13 16:14:13

Oh god he's a wankbadger isn't he!

The point for you is that he is not showing he is decent bf material

You seem to be allowing him to choose you...where's your opinion, your criteria, your power?

Is he good enough for you?

I'd suggest not - he's a lying, cheating twit trying to feather his next nest before leaving the previous one. Your role in life is far more than being someone's soft landing.

topknob Tue 14-May-13 16:18:29

Does his name begin with p? hmm

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:20:51

I know I don't want to be with another cheat as my ex was enough for a lifetime. He's admitted he's a twat and says he'd never do it to me, but he'd obviously say that.

I just got caught up in what I thought could be good and prob me being single for 2 1/2 years doesn't help.

Windingdown Tue 14-May-13 16:24:39

Loving the typo "he's a teat" - what a gift of a new insult that is. And yes, he does sound a total teat.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:37:42

You realise that whatever you replied it would have been "the right answer"?

He said he "wanted to test you"? hmm

I'd cut all contact and let him know why.
In any case, even if he leaves her, and as pointed out below, I wouldn't let him move in any time soon.

SucksFake86 Tue 14-May-13 16:53:07

He will be deleted and we'll try and stop going to the places at the same times.

BerylStreep Tue 14-May-13 16:53:41

You need to have some self respect. I don't mean that in a horrid critical way. Why are you prepared to be the OW and have him manipulate you and make all the decisions?

Bin him, and take a long hard look at why you thought this was ok.

At least if he decides to fess up to his wife (utter bollocks, he won't), you will no longer be involved.

Why do you want a cheating deceitful git in your life?

Branleuse Tue 14-May-13 17:04:02

hes a real cliché. please dont fall for it.

btw he will bombard you next.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:06:15

"I've been cheated on and I hate both my ex and OW and I can't believe I've done the same thing to the poor woman."

FWIW you've not really done anything to this woman. She's unlucky to be saddled with a cheating snake and if it wasn't you it'd be someone else. If it all goes tits up for him it really won't be your fault and if he turns up on your doorstep saying she's thrown him out and he has nowhere to go... ignore him, won't you? I think he's trying to set you up to feel a sense of obligation. Don't fall for it.

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