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Another porn one.

(147 Posts)
taKsad Tue 14-May-13 10:39:19

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

taKsad Thu 16-May-13 17:23:51

I think it's probably best if I bow out now. This is online entertainment for most of you, but to me it's my life.
Ta-ta.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 17:26:21

Utter bollocks Rootin.

No-one has to lie about anything, ever.

People only ever lie in this situation to protect themselves from the consequences of the truth.

OP I'd either ask for this thread to be locked or deleted, because these threads always attract complete wankers who want the OP to feel like shit.

You had some great advice from some really sensible posters who actually listened to what you were saying. If you're feeling vulnerable and that you're being kicked by the porn losers, just ask MNHQ to help.

RootinTootin Thu 16-May-13 17:26:25

If the roles were reversed and it was a man telling a woman what she can and can't do in a supposed adult relationship there would be uproar on here. The hypocrisy is astounding, whether you agree with porn or not at the end of the day she is making rules for him and saying she will leave him if he doesnt comply. Shocking really.

Mumsyblouse Thu 16-May-13 17:26:35

Sex is natural, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with watching consensual sex , or erotic enjoyment, on film. At what point does Mr Darcy’s masculine firm grip of Elizabeth move from the erotically sensual to the pornographically unacceptable?

See, my own personal limit is very easy to define- not in my house, not around the children. Ever. I assure you if you walk in your dad watching porn videos rather than Pride and Prejudice, it will stay in your mind a long time.

Others might have different boundaries, not animals, not children. Fine, everyone sets their own.

I don't police what my husband does the rest of the time, nor check his phone, nor care what he does when he's away in terms of porn. I don't believe that it is always a case of 'will use in secret', some people may be compelled to use porn, others will if everyone happy with it, others are not that fussed if asked not to. Clearly it is more important to the OP's husband than she imagined and that has to be discussed.

Mumsyblouse Thu 16-May-13 17:27:34

And- when I say not around the children, obviously I don't mean not to watch porn around the children, that goes without saying, I mean don't bring it into the house where there are children who may go on a laptop or daddy's phone and see something very disturbing (to them) without the adult brain or feelings to process it.

Offred Thu 16-May-13 17:28:43

Rootin - where is she "making rules for him". He told her he shared her views. He lied.

RootinTootin Thu 16-May-13 17:29:52

"And I think the point was he didn't promise not to watch porn he said he shared taK's beliefs..."

People change though and now the guy is being forced to repress himself sexually by fear for his relationship.

Why couldnt the OP talk about why this had changed instead of making him feel bad over what to many is a perfectly natural sexual urge?

Mumsyblouse Thu 16-May-13 17:30:53

RootinTootin I completely disagree, I have loads of rules and I'm sure my husband does for me, things like: don't cheat, don't use prostitutes, don't go on the internet and search for new women/men friends- things that many women/men on these boards appear to think are perfectly normal behaviours. I think it's fine to spell out something if it is a dealbreaker for you- it might not be your dealbreaker, but who cares? If it is to the OP, and she needs to let her husband know that, so he can make his own choice (he's perfectly free to take his 3x a week wanking to porn habit off somewhere else if it very important to him, tragic though that would be really).

Offred Thu 16-May-13 17:32:29

Watching porn is not objectively "a perfectly natural urge". Subjectively some believe that and some don't.

What the op IS doing is discussing with her husband his feelings about porn.

Have you been reading the same thread as me?

I don't think caring about the fate of your fellow human beings is a 'selfish hang up' hmm

DP and I both used to use porn and now neither of us do. Having read about the realities of the porn industry it just stopped working - hard to get turned on once you know there's a fair chance you're wanking to abuse (unless you're really twisted in the head). I'd be really upset if I found DP using porn now because I know he knows all this and it would say to me that our basic values were out of kilter, not to mention the deception of course.

34DD Thu 16-May-13 17:54:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred Thu 16-May-13 18:25:43

Yeah, I agree the porn is not the relevant issue. It's a desire isn't it? Rather than a need.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 16-May-13 18:44:40

*People change though and now the guy is being forced to repress himself sexually by fear for his relationship.

Why couldnt the OP talk about why this had changed instead of making him feel bad over what to many is a perfectly natural sexual urge?*

Rootin - READ this thread please, wanking is not a problem for OP. You do NOT need porn to wank.

I would be interested to know where you stand if pne was to tell a spouse/partner that using prostitutes and having affairs is a dealbreaker? or is that repressing one's sexuality? controlling? hmm

OP is ENTITLED to her views which are perfectly valid.

34DD Thu 16-May-13 18:58:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cloudpuff Thu 16-May-13 20:01:03

Rootin, its not a case of the op saying her dh cant do something, its not a case of porn being right or wrong, the issue is that her dh lied to her, lets take porn out of the equation, lets say op was a vegetarian for animal cruelty reasons, it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to not want a relationship with a meat eater, she meets someone who shares the same beliefs, the relationship advances, they fall in love, they get married blah blah, op comes home later to find dh eating a burger, a big part of their marriage is based on sharing the same principles and trust, and by prentending to share those principles and lying he has damaged a big part of their marriage.

You say people change, yes they do I agree, but what he should have done was speak to his wife when he felt the desire to partake in something he knows fully well the op disagree with, maybe if he had approached his wife three years ago they could have reached a compromise, or she could decide it was a deal breaker, but he didnt give her that option, he decided to go ahead knowing his wife would be hurt anyway, he knew what the consequences would be but chose to carry on and lie, its not the op who has been controlling here. She has every right to be upset, angry and hurt.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 16-May-13 20:21:01

I'm anti-porn personally but, having read this whole thread the issue to me seems to be not so much about the guy watching the porn but the controlling nature of the OP. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Lioninthesun Thu 16-May-13 20:43:53

I am amazed at some of these later threads!
'Controlling' ? Asking a man not to waste time wanking to another woman? As has been stated, porn is not a necessity. It has real-life affects on emotional welbeing for many couples and is a rising cause of divorce. OP is clearly not a fan and her partner knew this. Even if this wasn't about porn, asking a partner about their ideals/culture/religion and beliefs are intrinsic to feeling part of a couple. If this changes or becomes unrealistic to one party then the couple need to re-asses their bond and talk about how to make it work, if that is what they still want.
Other than the emotional effects, there are very real physical effects on the brain, as per the link I posted before. Some people would rather their partners didn't put themselves at risk of depression and erectile dysfunction, but then, each to their own hmm
OP, I hope you can get this thread locked as it does seem to be attracting some oddballs.

Lucylloyd13 Fri 17-May-13 10:30:47

“it is not the porn per se that I have the issue with. My dh has known for the last 14 years that it is not something I wish to have in my life, and that it's a deal breaker for me.
That may seem excessive to you, but we're all entitled to have a different opinion.
It's actually the trust/betrayal issue that I'm struggling with so much. He knew how much it would upset me. He did it anyway. He is obviously very sorry now, but presumably on some level only because he got caught and if I hadn't come home on Monday it would still be going on. Three years of lying is a lot to swallow for me, particularly at a time when I face so many other difficulties. I have trusted him implicitly for as long as we've been together. To find out that he was deceiving me hurts. A lot.
Sorry if that annoys you.” taksad

I understand, and respect your feelings. I don’t think you are wrong.

My only question is whether it should be a deal breaker in your marriage? If so, that is fine.

theonlysaneinthevillage Fri 17-May-13 11:22:27

I'll never understand the 'you are controlling him' bs.

My Dp (stbx) has told me he would end it if i was to cheat. Is he therefore controlling me? Telling me what i can and can't do? Surely all relationships have boundaries, some are not massive and can be re-negoiated and some are deal breakers. What are deal breakers for some, are not for others.

I just think that those who have no issue with porn can't get their minds around it because it doesn't bother them. I just don't understand how you can't get that it bothers others?

It's like the empathy button is missing.

Lucylloyd13 Fri 17-May-13 12:02:35

This has been a fascinating debate.

The thread title is a little misleading, as the OP explains, this is about a broken agreement, one which was freely entered into. The gravity of that agreement is for those two parties only. It could have just as easily been a commitment not to dance on one leg singing "Agadoo". Porn just happens to be the deal in this instance.

The debate about how porn is dealt with within a relationship, and crucially how we deal with the quantum generational shift of our children now being able to access free porn, in one click, on their smartphones, are other issues.

taKsad Fri 17-May-13 20:04:15

Thank you Lucy. You're right, the title is misleading, but I was exceptionally cross when I wrote it. I'm now off to namechange as it's time to move on and stop being cross and ranty.
Thanks for all your support ladies thanks , it has helped me a lot to have people to talk to who can be rational and measured in their advice when all I really wanted to do was wail like an eejit.
Onwards and upwards smile

Lucylloyd13 Sat 18-May-13 10:32:35

taksad, there is nothing wrong with raning and wailing.
Good luck.x

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