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Another porn one.

(147 Posts)
taKsad Tue 14-May-13 10:39:19

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 11:32:53

"Where he is in his head?" I don't understand that, sorry.

In general how do you feel about masturbation? Do you do it yourself? Do you need any aids or prompts to achieve it? Do you accept that it's OK for him to masturbate even if you don't like him using porn for stimulation? Is that where a compromise could be found?

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:33:20

I know zombies. The really hurtful thing is that on Sunday I was actually horny for the first time in AGES (disclaimer: we have been having sex, just not much as i get fatigued very easily these days). We had sex and I really enjoyed it and thought he did too. To come home not 12 hours later and find him wanking over porn was a bit of a side swipe, to say the very least.

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-May-13 11:35:10

I think you need to take your time too. 14 years is a long history, but 3 years of this really pulls the rug from under you.

I'm glad he's taking it seriously, he need to work out how he's going to sort it out, so he doesn't lose you, or alienate even further. It's not your doing, please don't feel guilty.

PeppermintPasty Tue 14-May-13 11:35:29

*alienate you

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:36:12

And yes, Cognito, wanking is super fine with me. Once upon a time when I had the energy, I did like a quick enlivener every now and again. It's the degradation I have issue with. The imagination is personal, and involves no abuse of the vulnerable.
I mean if he is honest, can he be without porn? Is it a deal breaker for him?
As an aside, today I have realised that I use far too many commas!

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:39:26

OK, so just now you are very hurt. That will pass. It isn't unreasonable, it is just how it is and you need to have your feelings and get them out and then try to move forward after productively.

It is correct to say if he has really been your rock for so long he will likely continue to be if this is worked through isn't it? Very true.

Feelings first and then thinking and then sorting it out.

I know what you mean about what's in his head. You're wondering if he is actually not being honest with you/himself about his feelings on porn and you are needing him to really be honest so you can move forward.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:41:18

Exactly Offred. I need to know what the truth is, I'm not so good with the unsureness of it all.
And yes, I hope he will always be my rock.
And thank you for no-one saying LTB, it would not be what I wanted to hear.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:44:14

I think he'll need some time to think before he can be honest won't he? For him in the marriage so far he has been used to pretending and he'll need to unpick that first.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:44:29

Sorry badtaste, I missed your post. You are right of course. i must not see it as a definer of the man. And I suspect there is more than agrain of truth in the behind closed doors aspect too.
He is a good man. I just feel so very very gutted.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:47:28

Unpicking lying and pretending is going to take a while. Can I go and hide on a beach somewhere warm until it's done? The one aspect of my life that was dependable and solid amongst all the chaos and medication feels so unutterably broken. Warning-I may descend into melodrama for a while. blush

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:50:56

I think it would be good to have a period of melodrama tbh! It's what I always do. I also take to my bed for a while!

Some counselling for him would probably be good, you sound pretty clear on what you feel/need and what you could handle and I don't think you have a problem relating to each other by the sounds of it it is a problem he has with his own confidence in being himself. That is what it is with my husband.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:53:42

I am in bed on the sofa! Blanket, laptop, tissues and tea.
Melodrama is good for the soul, although I've given myself a massive weeping head ache so I won't be able to shout.
I feel quite a bit better for simply being able to talk about this on here. It doesn't seem quite the subject for a cup of tea with mum and most of our friends are mutual. Thank you all.

Branleuse Tue 14-May-13 11:57:10

he is still the person you thought he was and that he has always been.

did he know quite how strongly you felt?
had you discussed it or did you assume he knew your feelings were so strong on the matter?

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:57:30

Sounds a good plan. Sure you'll be OK. You are coming across as a person who is going through a lot of crap but who is strong and able.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 12:04:43

Unfortunately Bran, he does indeed know how I feel. If there was ever a subject to ensure I get on my soapbox, human trafficking within the sex industry and the exploitation of the vulnerable is it.
Lots of crap is certainly true. I don't feel so strong and able at the mo, I'd quite like to crawl under a rock for a while or get admitted to hospital and be looked after again.

noseymcposey Tue 14-May-13 12:10:45

Sorry to hear that you are going through this taKsad. If it helps, then I had a similar experience with DP last year, although I had never strongly expressed anti porn views so different in that respect. I was much much more upset to discover what he'd been up to than I could ever have anticipated because of all the associated lying (ie. coming up to say goodnight if I went to bed first, but really just checking that the coast was clear etc etc) that made me so angry.

How you work through it is between you and DH but I just wanted to say that a year later we are fine. It is one thing that DP has done that is part of a lot of other good, kind a supportive things that he has done. And although there was a distance between us for a while, and I still don't trust him as unthinkingly as I used to, the bad stuff has been overwritten by a lot of good stuff.

It's a horrible thing to discover and it can be heartbreaking finding out that they aren't the person you think they are but all the good things about him are still true.

Take it one day at a time. If you want him near, have him near, and if you want space then make that for yourself too. You don't need to think too far ahead at this stage. I hope it gets better for you.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 12:14:57

Thank you for your kind words Nosey. I'm glad you and your dp are doing well now.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 14-May-13 12:24:31

Went through this with DH - not only was he using porn in secret, he then went onto to have an affair. At one point, we thought he might be a porn addict but when I made it clear that this issue is a deal breaker and that continued use of porn would result in the end of the marriage, he found it surprisingly easy to stop.

What also really opened his eyes was his research into the realities of the porn industry and how porn has a negative impact on relationships.

I think it would be interesting for you both to discuss how you both feel his use of porn has affected your sex life and how it has affected his views of sex and women. If you have DC, what if they caught him?

Internet porn in particular has an addictive quality which means the industry is now having to churn out more and more extreme forms of porn to satisfy jaded users who may have started out wanking to soft core porn.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 13:29:59

Hi Choc. I think it's a deal breaker for me too. The more I look at it, the more i can't see how it won't be.
Is it all ok with your dh now?

Lucylloyd13 Tue 14-May-13 14:24:29

"This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting"

You are over reacting.

Complaining about his virtual entertainment when he has done all the practical things for you is harsh.

RootinTootin Tue 14-May-13 14:37:51

If it's a deal breaker then fair enough but why should he move out, it seems that OP is the one with the problem.

I would also be questioning why your bloke felt he had to hide a perfectly natural thing from you. How controlling are you?

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 14-May-13 14:41:58

Hmm... No, I don't think it is the OP.

She has strong feelings on port. She discussed them with her DP. Their marriage was based on knowing that pork would not be tolerated: they agreed that, it wasn't a sudden change.

Her partner started using it. He didn't tell her, he let her find out when she came home from work early. He is sorry. That doesn't change that he completely ignored her opinion though, despite knowing what it was and why.

He fractured the trust, so it's him that should leave, or try to fix this.

Boosterseat Tue 14-May-13 14:44:38

It’s not an overreaction if the OP has already spoken to her DH and expressed she finds it distressing and distasteful.

Perhaps if her DH had told her at the time that his opinion was different then they could have had an adult conversation about it and found a middle ground (if there was one)

OP has made her feelings clear and he has decided to give her 2 fingers and do it anyway, if he had gone out and shagged another woman but had supported her solidly for 14 years would it still be acceptable? Would it heck.

Relationships need boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t, if both parties can’t agree to these terms someone is always going to end up disappointed, hurt or angry. OPS Husband IMO doesn’t seem like he respects her feelings at all which I would imagine is as bad as the act itself.

RootinTootin Tue 14-May-13 14:47:18

Yeah because people stay the same forever.

Lucylloyd13 Tue 14-May-13 14:49:11

I guess this hinges on whether you regard viewing porn as a hanging crime. I don't.

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