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Another porn one.

(147 Posts)
taKsad Tue 14-May-13 10:39:19

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

Offred Tue 14-May-13 10:49:40

I don't think you are overreacting. I share your views. Last year when my dh was caught out having been to a strip club many years before he met me but lied to cover it up because he didn't want to look bad it really knocked our relationship. I completely withdrew, the intimacy was completely destroyed. It has recently begun to improve but for me there was a period where I was no longer in love with him and where I could not trust or respect him which lasted around 6 months. sad

I would have loved to have some physical space. I have been out of the house much more often since and being able to have some (limited) physical space and spending time increasing my social relationships has really helped but you have to be careful you don't get your head turned by flattery from someone else as this will make things worse.

Can you ask him to stay somewhere else for a while so you can think?

I had always said visiting a strip club would be the end, no negotiation but historical would be forgiven if spoken about. He however lied and was found out so I had to basically decide what the relationship was and whether it was worth it. I have renegotiated my position in it and I feel I am now more of an equal which made it worth the work. We've been married 4 years. I'm not sure if things will work out. I'm no longer able to say I am prepared to be here for life. That, I am aware, will seem an outrageous overreaction to some but for me there are essential reasons why I cannot tolerate this kind of thing and its my right to feel that way. I hope things continue to improve and we can get back to where we were in terms of my feelings for him but we're not there yet.

It doesn't help at all when people treat you like you are made for even being upset.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 10:50:29

*mad

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 10:54:26

PLease keep talking to me. I came home form work today as I feel illand I'm just torturing myself looking at the sites he's been using.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 14-May-13 11:00:00

Has he said anything else? Or just that he's sorry?

I second Offred's advice on asking him to leave for a while. Just to get your head together. It sounds crazy, but it will really help to have your own space. It'll also show him what a big breach of trust this has been for you, and perhaps prompt him into taking it more seriously?

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:04:09

sad It will help you to try and be a bit pro-active. Make yourself a safe space to have feelings in for a start. Don't allow things to start sliding out of control. If you want just go to bed and hide/sleep. Always wish I could take my own advice on this one so I know it is hard.

Where is he now?

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:04:56

He is taking it seriously. He wants to get councilling and he's already ofered to leave for a while. I know it sounds silly, but I want him here. I want my husband, my rock. I just don't know how to manage the utter tidal wave of emotions I've got going on.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:05:21

He's at work, but should be home at lunch time.

quietlysuggests Tue 14-May-13 11:09:16

What does this mean- Hes been trying to stop
How big a problem is this? Is he saying it is a regular thing and he thinks he has a problem and has tried to stop and cannot?
Because that is very serious.
Or is he saying he does it from time to time but wont do it again?
Because that gives you much more hope for the future. If he stops now then you WILL be able to forgive and move forward.
But if he keeps doing it?
What do you think? Is it an irregular thing he really regrets? Or a habit he wants to hold onto?

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:09:22

I think the problem, it certainly was for me, is that your image of your husband has been exposed to be false. You need some time to come to terms with that and be able to objectively assess a more honest version of him before you can make a choice about what the impact on your relationship is.

You have had a shock, maybe you are trying to cling onto him for that reason.

Don't feel this is silly. Just because most people don't have a problem with porn doesn't mean you can't and certainly whatever anyone's feelings about porn are they would always feel upset to find their husband had lied about something crucially important to them.

At the moment I don't think clinging to him would be a good plan, you'd end up just trying desperately to pretend you hadn't found out.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:11:00

He needs to be really honest too.

He needs to work out his real feelings about porn.

My husband was trying not to hurt me, it didn't make it less hurtful. I can handle honesty about things that I feel threatened about/object to but not lies designed to fool me that he is something he isn't.

BLOO3Z Tue 14-May-13 11:15:28

The lies are hurtful, Im really going to sit on the fence on the viewing porn side here as have worked with too many men in the past so think this is normal for a lot of men to look at this stuff. Although I realize not all men do as I have known a few of them too but think they are the minority to be honest.

Im not saying I agree here as I can see how hurt you must feel and he has not taken your opions and feeling into account at all here.

I do however think you need to be realistic he has not cheated on you, or are the sites he going in ones where he is actually interacting/contacting women, if that is the case then you are justified to be upset. if However he is just watching this stuff to get off on that is a lesser crime in my view, is he using it as relief if you have not been well?
He should however be more open with you and discuss this with you.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:15:36

That's exactly it, offred. My husband, the man I know and love, is not the real one. So who is?
I don't know, quietly. He say a couple or three times a month, mainly out of boredom. I bought him a guitar ffs, if he's that bored why doesn't he do some fucking practise? He's aways banging on about how little free time he has. Clearly not that bored then.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:17:09

I also think the relief because I haven't been well is a very valid point. So I also feel weirdly guilty, as if I'm partly to blame. Which I know is utterly fucking ridiculous. I've been a little preoccupied trying not to DIE here.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:18:27

I hope to god he hasn't been meeting up with/contacting women. He says not, but these sites have so many click throughs to all sorts of shit <brain bleach>

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:20:24

I would advise both of you not to be too quick to commit to a decision about how you each fee about thisl. You need to highlight that actual real honesty from both of you is the only way you'll be able to be happy together at the end. You will not be happy together if you feel you should tolerate something you find unreasonable or if he feels he has to lie to please you.

If he actually just likes porn and doesn't have a problem with it telling lies about having a porn addiction will just prolong the agony. If he genuinely feels like you and that he has a problem then he probably needs to go off and deal with that by himself I'd say. Mostly real life will be somewhere in between which is why thinking time will help you to each decide your positions and needs/feelings.

BLOO3Z Tue 14-May-13 11:22:02

Dont feel bad taksad for being ill but I think that it is a beter option to let him get releif at this way rather than having a horrid sordid affair just for sex. It is a priamal need after all..
Have you withdrawn from in other ways too not as many hugs etc, beacause you feel ill which I can realate to btw it all just becomes somthing else for you to put on your to do list when you feeling crappy.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:24:16

I wouldn't like this thread to descend into the usual porn is just what men do/abusive to women because it is irrelevant really.

The OP has clearly stated her particular feelings about it. Her DH has not. He needs to and she needs to a. be able to deal with the shock of finding out he hasn't been honest about himself and b. decide if she wants to be with the real him. The merits of porn or otherwise is fairly irrelevant since the OP has been clear with her husband about her feelings all along.

BLOO3Z Tue 14-May-13 11:27:05

Yes I agree offred he has kinda not thought about her feeling at all knowing that she was very anti-porn.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 11:27:23

Whilst recognising that you feel strongly about this is there any compromise possible in your mind? Is discreet usage acceptable to you or does it have to be zero?

GetOrfMoiLand Tue 14-May-13 11:27:57

I am so glad the first poster on this thread was you offred - seen many threads like this trying to make the OP feel silly for being so upset.

Thing is it doesn't matter if most people think that men use porn and it is normal - the OP hates it, her husband knows how she feels and has lied about it for some time. The OP is incredibly upset about it understadably.

I think the idea of some space is a good idea whilst you work out of ithis is a deal breaker for you.

I went through something similar with DH when I was pregnant with dd2. What got to me was I was fucking horny as hell whilst I was pregnant too! hmm It was a symptom of much bigger problems in our relationship though. We went to hell and back before we finally got to a place were I can say our relationship has recovered and I fully trust him again. It's taken an awfully long time to get here (7 years)!

I agree with whoever said don't make any rash decisions yet. Is counselling a possibility for you both? It wasn't something that helped us TBH (one dreadful session, and both decided not to go back), but we both did a lot of soul searching and naval gazing and finally got through it. All I can say is be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel angry and upset. I found the more I oppressed my feelings in order to just get on the worse it made things in the long run.

taKsad Tue 14-May-13 11:30:16

Honesty is important to me. I have no issue with friends/family members etc who I know use porn. It's none of my business and clearly personal preference. There is always compromise in marriage. I need to know where he is in his head when he is honest with himself, and then I can decide how big a compromise it is and whether I can do it.

badtasteyoni Tue 14-May-13 11:30:38

I can understand exactly why you feel so betrayed - but I think you can take solace in the fact that he has been your 'rock' for the last 14 years and probably still is, and will be in the future.

You have very strong feelings about porn and yes he knows that, but maybe he doesn't share those views himself (which is his right, afterall?), so he (naively) thought he could just view porn behind closed doors and nobody would get hurt - which was obviously wrong.

Now it is out in the open he sounds as if he wants to deal with it and is sorry. IMO you should try to give him a chance to sort it out with you, with counselling, maybe blocking porn through your ISP, whatever it takes.

I would say try to separate the man you know from the porn and see it as one separate issue, rather than something that defines him, IFSWIM.

If he was a good man before, he hasn't suddenly stopped being one now IMO.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 11:32:40

You may well feel able to compromise or maybe a better way is that your actual principles may not be happily applied to a real life situation in the way they exist as abstract theory in your mind. But do know that unless you are both honest and comfortable with who you are together the relationship will grumble on unhappily. Probably just now is too soon for either of you to really know how you really feel.

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