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ex has said he doesn't want to see one of his kids

(42 Posts)
womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 20:46:00

I have 2 children with my ex aged 9 and 13 .He has been having regular contact with them.one overnight stay every other saturday plus a few hours one evening a week.

They can both be a handful.But especially the teen.He has now said because of the teens behaviour he doesn't want to see her anymore.He has told both her and me this.Now because of this the 9 year old says she doesn't want to see him if her sister isn't.I told him this and he has said so be it.

I can't believe it.How can a father do this.He also blames me for the 13 year olds behaviour.Says that I have neglected her.That im too busy with my friends.I only see them when kids are at school or on the evening the kids are with him.That i should have sorted daughters behaviour out.That what is he suppose to do when i have them 90% and he only has them for 10%.I said he could see them more.He said no

Now one of the reasons i believe he is doing this is to get at me.I feel he has tried different ways of getting back with me and i don't want this.I divorce has recently been finalised and i think he now realises its over.I mean it.I feel he's doing this to stop me having any life.cos he knows i have no family etc to look after the children.

Anyway one thing is if he suddenly demands to see the youngest where do i stand legally cos surely it isn't fair to see one and not the other.surely thats not in the best interest of the children.

Anyway one of his comments is I got what i wanted to be a single parent so i can now bring them up on my own while he gets on with his life.

Molly333 Tue 14-May-13 22:37:32

Interesting , my ex was exactly the same , this carried on for six years, then the last time he decided he didn't want to see them I had had enough, I cut all ties. Me and the children had a talk and decided we were a team and we would continue our lives supporting each other , in fact now we are happy , we hv fun and enjoy looking after each other . The peace is nice and the fact I don't hv to put up with " dad said this" anymore is fantastic . You are a team , stick together , hv new boundaries together , be free but look at the good of u three not the bad xxx

I agree with Lweji :

You can now simply write to him stating that as per his request, there will be no further contact with your children, and why. To let you know if he wants to see both and you will then let him know if ok.

And then just don't answer his calls. If he wants to respond to that, it will have to be in writing.

So sorry for your poor DDs sad

zxcv123 Tue 14-May-13 21:25:51

I'm in the same boat - XH refuses to have anything to do with older child, whilst still seeing younger child. I know most people say that fathers shouldn't be able to pick and choose between their children but for us it's been two years now and (so far) it's actually worked out just fine.

DS1 had reached the point anyway where he could see his father for who he really was and didn't like what he saw; DS2 enjoys & looks forward to time with his father. I personally don't understand how a father can telephone and only speak to one child / take only one child on overseas holidays / never ask about how DS1 has done in exams etc, but there you are.

My understanding is that once children are 11 or so a court will assume they are mature enough to have a reasoned view on whether they wish to spend time with a parent. So I would listen carefully to what your DCs say they want to do now & support them in their decisions.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 20:54:51

Firstly, don't answer the phone. smile
He'll text or e-mail.

Even if you answer the phone, record every conversation.

If he asks, it's two or none, as per DD2 request.

KittensandKids Tue 14-May-13 20:30:20

He cannot request contact with one DC, its all or nothing. Do as Lweji said, I do this too, I have waited almost 2 years on him 'taking me to court' we are the point where the DC do not want to see now as he messed them about so much.

He cannot use children as a weapon, they get messed up. He is being a total bastard

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 20:25:50

scarletwomanofthevillage

im asking just in case ex changes his mind.cos everything thats happened has been verbal.no texts,nothing written.

so yes atm he has said so be it.But i know him too well.He will be ringing next to ask to see youngest and then what do i do.where do i stand.t

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 20:14:37

He really is just trying to hurt me.

Yes.

With XH I simply stopped answering his phone calls, so he was so desperate to get to me that he did make some serious threads by e-mail and text.
The only phone call I have answered since then has been in front of a policeman while at the police station.
And I have reported every threatening e-mail and text message.

Even his skype contact to DS has at some point been recorded.

I have basically ignored his nasty drunk e-mails (except when I did want some evidence of his behaviour) and have kept contact just to arrange contact times with DS.

It has got better, as he doesn't get the satisfaction of a reply and I haven't backed down.
Even to him missing contact times, I have cut it unless he confirms he will log in, and when he's a twat online I just turn skype off.

You can now simply write to him stating that as per his request, there will be no further contact with your children, and why. To let you know if he wants to see both and you will then let him know if ok.

Honestly, they will be better off without him than with a bad father.

Joy5 Tue 14-May-13 20:07:15

My ex barely sees our middle son, hes 19 with aspergers and can't forgive his dad for leaving or for having another woman, they've not had any contact since March, its been like that since ex moved out, they see each other for a few weeks then go months with no contact.

Ex doesn't like the fact middle son doesn't cover up his feelings, whereas he sees our younger son and takes him to football/ cricket so no time for talking or not much.

My solicitor told me last year when my ex was telling me he was going for fifty fifty cusody, that the children would be asked what they wanted. So your 9 year old is probably old enough to say she doesn't want to see her dad. It would also be really expensive to take legal action to see her, and would take time, my solicitor said it was really unlikely my ex would take action and she was right, it was just said to cause me the maximum amount of pain and worry, and it succeeded.

If you want to check it out legally, i'm in the same boat as you can't get legal aid and don't earn much, but solicitors will give you a free half an hour so you can check out your personal position. Then you'll know exactly where you stand, but don't believe what your ex tells you, ask on MNs for advice, and don't trust him an inch. I'm learning from experience ex's will say anything if they think they can upset you and cause even more pain.

But you've told him that the youngest one doesn't want to see him without her sister. And he said "so be it". So he is the one who has cut contact with his children, not you. So how can he take you to court over it when it was his decision?

mummytime Tue 14-May-13 19:54:38

Keep a diary. It can be used as evidence, especially if written at the time. I would suggest logging every call or conversation you have with him, and enclose copies of texts and emails. Also record things your DC tell you. Date and time everything.

Lowry Tue 14-May-13 19:47:43

This man is a bastard.
Kids are like marriage vows, for better and for worst.
Feel for you xx

annielouisa Tue 14-May-13 18:30:17

I really feel for you and your poor DD. My DGD is 13 and no longer sees her DF because she refuses to play happy families with the OW and her DD. The younger DD aged 8 still goes as he made it clear he would go back to court to inforce his access. My poor DGD1 worries about her sister when she is with him and is hugely angry with him.

DGD1 still see her DGD and is on holiday with him soon so it is just her DF that is the fool. She is not a difficult teenager she is a thoughtful girl she just cannot accept the OW and the problems she caused.

whitesugar Tue 14-May-13 17:37:48

Wombling I feel for you going through this. My DD is 16 & CD is 14. I left him when pg with my DS cos he was violent EA person towards me. I encouraged access as he loved his kids. Over the years incidents arose, verbal only, cos he wd tell them I was a bitch etc. But they always seemed happy to go to his house. When they got to teenage years he could not handle it and tensions arose. When my son was 13 he was cheeky to his dad who attacked him, fracturing his hand & causing bruising to his face. I had always watched closely for signs of violence & asked DC s if he ever hit them. They said no but when incident with DS happened they admitted that he had hit both of them hard on one occasion previously. I made a charge but PPS would not take it. They had no contact for 4 months til contrite dad emailed asking for contact. Against my wishes they went overnight. SS told me I could not stop contact because DC s could decide themselves. All seemed ok for about 5 months when one day DD was cheeky to him & he assaulted her. Police recommended adult caution to prevent DD having to go to court.

Long way of saying be careful with teenagers access to controlling father. My EH could not cope with wife who challenged him and could not cope with challenges from teenagers. I always thought children needed fathers but am now of the view that an EA father is more damaging than an absent one. I have been dealing with stress related anger from DC s as a rest of EH's violent temper. Only by talking very frankly about what happened they are coming out of it. They view him as weak & DD wants nothing to do with him. DS Still keeps contact but absolutely recognises his father's failings. I worry the choices they make will be influenced by their fathers behaviour but hope they will be ok. When I can afford therapy I will send them to some sessions. I think we would all have been better off without any contact with him.

I hope hearing about others mns' experiences will help. You are definitely not alone. Since this all happened my DC s have told me similar experiences their friends went through. I am pleased they can talk to one another about it. I hope it works our for you and your DC.

KittensandKids Tue 14-May-13 17:36:24

I would agree and not let them see either, he cannot be an ad-hoc Dad when he choose.

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 17:34:36

lweji

He's clever he hasn't put anything in writing so far but even when ive sent texts regarding this.he ignores them.of course he has then called and stated he doesn't want to see her.I have just spoken with solicitor again.She has said to write everything down with dates.She has said i can also stop him from seeing both children now and that he then has to take me to court for access.It is when this happens i will have to state my reasoning for stopping access.

I will of course try to get a response from him via text/email about him not wanting to see his DD.But he really is a clever f***er.I think he will just ignore that part of the message.And i will only now communicate thro text/email.

Also whilst this has been going on he has made verbal threats to me.one was if i mess up with looking after kids he's coming for me.Also if i seek advice/help he'll be ready and waiting for me.All pretty nasty and all verbal.But all directed at me not the children.again very difficult to prove and my word against his.

i have spoken to police and they are coming this evening.

I believe he is doing all of this because our divorce is now finalised.He has tried time and time again to get back with me and i am having none of it and have made it clear.Also this escalated when my father passed away a few weeks ago.He said he had been waiting for this moment when something bad was happening when i would need someone and be vunerable.

Also when my father died my ex offered to come to funeral for me.not for my fathers sake and again i said no.i didn't need him there.he didn't like this at all.I think it was another attempt to try to get back in my life not to really help.I have also realised that on the day of my fathers death my ex had been looking thro my house.Trying to find out things about me.I had given him a key just for that day to help with children.

He really is just trying to hurt me.

slug Tue 14-May-13 16:48:34

Does he pay maintenance via the CSA? If he drops contact then it might be worth seeing if you can be reassessed.

This will irritate a control freak no end.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 16:43:40

You need to get as much evidence as possible in case he goes to court, to show your reasoning.

I'd restrict communication with him to e-mail and text messages.
You can send him one telling him this and referring to him not wanting to see DD1. Write it in a way that elicits a response from him about this, confirming what he said on the phone.

You can also ask your gp for advice regarding the children, possibly referring to counselling to deal with this twat's actions if you think it could be useful.

Mention it to school, saying you are worried it might affect their behaviour/results.

BTW, those "poor fathers" who are denied access, possibly are not that dissimilar from this...

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 16:37:44

lweji

Im going to cut contact anyway.i just hoped Id having the backing legally if i did this.

Its terrible there are soo many fathers out there who want to see their children but their ex stops it to spite them.whereas i have tried to keep contact with him.cos i think its important and he's done this

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 13:49:20

I'd cut contact, rather than try to force it.

He is being nasty to the children.

And it may well happen that he'll keep contact just to spite you. grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 13:42:11

I think there's the legal aspect to this and then there's the pragmatic one. Keep both DDs home, let him sue if he feels that strongly about it (which I am willing to be bet he isn't because if you don't qualify for legal aid I don't suppose he does either) and take it from there. Your children are plenty old enough to speak up for themselves, contact has to always be 'what's best for the children' and I'm pretty sure his unequal treatment would be severely frowned upon if it ever actually got to a court.

womblingfree1970 Tue 14-May-13 13:16:08

i have contacted a few solicitors today and it seems there is not alot i can do.

Firstly i am on income support and a carer to my eldest cos she has a disability.And can't get legal aid for help with this.apparently the system changed in april and secondly i have been told its ok for him to say he doesn't want to see one of the children.Theres nothing i can do about it and i might be on dodgy ground not sending the other one.

I am going to look into this further

Pilgit Mon 13-May-13 22:37:42

What an absolute fuckwit. I really have nothing useful to add that you won't already know. Sometimes it is the job as us as parents to just take the crap our children throw at us (with appropriate discipline where necessary) and meet it with unconditional love and acceptance. He is the adult. He is the parent. Hopefully your daughter will see this act for what it is and not let his rejection cause lasting damage to her psyche.

AnyFucker Mon 13-May-13 22:16:27

I think it is lovely that the younger girl has said she isn't going if her sister isn't

Listen to her, not him (and trust your instincts)

womblingfree1970 Mon 13-May-13 22:08:08

oldrichandgrateful

Actually you saying about stirring their relationship up.being 2 girls and at their ages they obviously bicker anyway and of course now you say that of course this won't help.Although at the moment that hasn't been the result.They are both disliking him for what he is doing and also the eldest says she believes he's doing it to get at me.

She feels guillty for what has happened as she is aware i have no help from anyone else and am alone.But i have assured her she is not to blame for this.Although i have pointed out that she shouldn't be misbehaving.

OldRichandGrateful Mon 13-May-13 22:03:05

Playing the divide and conquer card is he? Trying to stir up the relationship between sisters and get them hating each other?

He is being a twat. 13 year old girls are a handful for ANY parent. Will he dump your other DD when she is 13 and "difficult"?

Your DDs are better off without him.

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