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Left an EA relationship- when does it get better?

(10 Posts)
Holdyourhobbyhorses Mon 13-May-13 20:36:13

Just that really.

I left an EA and verbally abusive relationship 4 years ago with one DC who was one year at the time. There was no abuse before DC. It feels as raw now as it did back then, if anything more so as I am only now finding the strength to grieve for all that has been lost.

I have tried to rebuild a friendship with EXP (thinking that as he was not abusive before DC there was something positive to return to) but I now think this was a big mistake. He, of course, has moved on and is in a new relationship. I went on a date at the weekend and just cried when I got home because the man I really want to be with is dead to me now. If I had known four years ago that I would still feel so low and miserable about the whole thing, struggling emotionally and financially, with shattered confidence and unable to form a new relationship I'm not sure it would have seemed worth leaving. Right now I feel so low that if it was just me here I would end it all- but I cannot leave DC alone with just a shitty dad as a parent.

So tell me, wise ones, has anyone been here? Will it ever get better? How did you manage it?

Piemother Mon 13-May-13 20:39:29

Ea is so hard to recover from. Have you done the freedom programme?

Holdyourhobbyhorses Tue 14-May-13 10:24:27

No I haven't, I will look into it , thank you. Does any one have a positive story to share? Will this get better?

jayho Tue 14-May-13 10:35:07

Do the freedom programme. Talk to woman's aid.

Repeat to yourself over and over that you have done the biggest, bravest, most empowering thing possible by leaving.

The abuse was a result of his inadequacy, not yours. His abuse of you was an attempt to turn you into the mess he is inside.

But it didn't work and you are free.

It does get better, it takes time. ((hug))

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 14-May-13 10:38:03

It gets better, but getting there requires you to work on yourself. Freedom Programme, and individual counselling, are good ways to get there.

If a date triggers such strong emotions in you, and if you've tried to build a friendship with your ex-P, it sounds to me like your attachment impulse is still a little wonky. Working through those emotions with a counsellor can help.

You can get there. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 11:05:18

I agree that you have to work on yourself. You don't hold a candle for someone who is abusive for four whole years unless, at some level, you think you don't deserve better. When, of course, you do deserve better and you always did

Counselling may help you but I think, now that you've had this epiphany moment of realising that it is well and truly over, you're probably on the way back up already. You've had four years out of the abusive relationship, that's time well spent even if you are feeling low. To rebuild your confidence, distance yourself fully from your ex. He's not your friend. Do everything you possibly can to rebuild your social life and make new friends rather than just thinking in terms of dating or forming a new relationship. Be happy in your skin first.

Good luck

Holdyourhobbyhorses Wed 15-May-13 10:26:05

Thank you for your kind words

Hotdamn what is an attachment impulse and how do I find out more?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 10:33:10

I think 'attachment impulse' is another way of saying that you have an overly strong need to be liked/loved. This isn't usually a bad thing - we all need friends and lovers - but if it gets to the stage where you still persist in trying to get someone to like you when they do nothing but treat you badly, then it's unhealthy. Working on your confidence and self-esteem as an independent person helps a lot. Once you really like yourself and are truly happy with your life, you become a lot fussier about who you let into that life and who deserves to be your friend.

Holdyourhobbyhorses Wed 15-May-13 17:11:12

Thank you. Yes it's true I have wanted approval from him, I think as a sticking a plaster to stop the pain of the rejection I felt since it all went wrong. Even though I don't want to be with him anymore. Twisted!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 17:14:50

You're a human being, not twisted. As much as we can rationalise a situation intelligently, we will do all kinds of crazy, even dangerous, things in order to feel better temporarily.

Once you recognise your own motivations, however, you then have a choice either to a) keep doing the same thing or b) do something differently. Suggest it's worth some short-term pain to get this horrible man well & truly out of your system.

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