Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Pregnant and single? Need some comfort, wise words?

(4 Posts)
Cakeisyummy Mon 13-May-13 13:56:31

I am 4 months pregnant and Partner and myself have been at each others throats for a while now, our relationship has became stuck in a rut... Stuck in argument mode with no where to turn. I have dealt with trust issues from past relationships and I feel I have came a long way within our relationship, just one of our many arguments at the weekend were how my partner went out with friends for drinks and partying on Friday night. He lied at which club he was at, I only found this out late Saturday night due to pictures of the club that he was really at being put on Facebook. I seen this and asked him again, he denied it, I flipped out, he didn't apologise till morning.

He lies about silly things regularly. And for me lying is the worst thing to do no matter how small or how big, a lie is a lie! Sometimes in a way I see he does it because he may think I would be annoyed but I feel lying is worse. Anyway I am touchy at the moment, we both know I have not always been like this. I'm very hormonal and find it difficult to channel my emotions.

There's always something were arguing about, and now he says he's not coming back and I can't help but cry and cry and cry. I'm completely heart broken and I don't know what to do. I have a child from a previous relationship, I'm pregnant and single again at 22 sad I have issues of being alone and I don't know how to deal with them...

I just feel like he has given up so easily, and I am left holding the baby again. He at first didn't want the baby, but I am against abortion, I said to him if he has a problem accepting that and dealing with it then leave, but if he is willing to step up then stay... He decided to stay - now leaving me on my own.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. How do I, if we can agree, make it better, I think our baby deserves better. I think our baby deserves us working out our differences but I can't figure out how to do it. At the minute he is not interested. And has asked me to stop contacting him for a few days, dragging it on..

I don't want to be judged I just want some support, words of advice, etc....

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 14:32:41

When it comes to 'working out our differences' the only person's behaviour you can guarantee is your own. You can't make a liar tell the truth. You can't make a man who doesn't want to be a father be a good father.

I also think your baby deserves better than a father that doesn't want to be with you, lies to you, argues with you rather than resolve differences calmly and didn't want a baby in the first place. FWIW I don't think you have 'trust issues' ... you were just with someone you couldn't trust. Very different.

You're all the parent your children need and you'll be a much better parent and a much better person if you are single and confident rather than in a relationship that does nothing but stress you out.

So don't contact him. Be the bigger person here. Be your own woman. Get your friends and family around you and be with people that love you and like you for a change. Get practical help for things like finances, jobs, accommodation etc because, difficult though life can be as a single parent, it is far lonelier being in a bad relationship.

Cakeisyummy Mon 13-May-13 17:37:12

Thank you so much for your reply. I can't make him be here for me, I can't make him want to, but surly if he loved me and as he says now wants the baby, he will want to sort his mess out, seems I overlooked the deal breakers in months before this and now it is biting me in my rear... confused God how daft have I been. He says just to leave him just now he needs time, this for me is difficult as I am left in limbo... All his things are here obviously as he lived here, so I don't know weather I should pack, or not, text or not. I feel highly helpless and very much alone. Pregnant and single, greatblush

Should I offer counselling, maybe time apart, I don't know but for us to give up so easily I just don't think it's right. I love him SOOOO much. sad sadsadsad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 06:59:02

You might love him 'SOOO much' but it's clearly not reciprocated - actions speak louder than words. So you have make yourself #1 priority and don't even take him into consideration. Treat this as the permanent arrangement now i.e. that you don't live together, and plan accordingly. That stops the feeling of limbo dead. Put his stuff into bin bags, send a text saying 'it's on the doorstep' and leave it for him to collect. Otherwise do what you need to do to restart your life as an independent woman with a baby on the way. If you need counselling, get it... but don't arrange it for him because he's not interested. Once you take control, once you stop waiting for him to decide if you're worth being with or not, you will feel far more confident and far less alone.

You haven't given anything up... he has... and there's not a damn thing you can do to change that so don't waste your time or energy trying. Thirteen years ago I found myself pregnant and single.... best thing I ever did.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now