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I have done something silly

(176 Posts)
bowlingforsoup Sun 12-May-13 21:55:42

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

CoteDAzur Wed 15-May-13 07:27:33

It's also hardly unheard of for people to kill each other, so what is your point?

Ledkr Tue 14-May-13 22:48:06

As I said previously its hardly unheard of for a betrayed person to get physical with the cheaters. Jeeeze it's been going on since ancient history.
Yes I agree op. if you read this thread you will se that must if us were realistic and most if the school bullies have scarpered grin
Start another one you need some support.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 14-May-13 14:19:13

Totally agree with Kaluki and Dippy, well said.

DippyDoohDahDay Tue 14-May-13 13:43:54

I agree. Name change op, start another thread, don't put too many specifics in and just get some ( decent) support.
Sometimes, we hold ourselves open in an attempt to admit our mistakes and not come across as something we are not. Commendable in my book, but some feel the need to lecture and judge. Ho hum.

DippyDoohDahDay Tue 14-May-13 13:41:35

Oh. My. God.
I told my lovely and very placid mum last night about this thread and the abysmal treatment the op has had. I told her about "the vodka incident". My mum had to face my day's infidelity and the ow, and she too had her pinned to the wall, hand to her throat. Judge if you like, but my mum is wonderful, peaceful and non violent. But after twenty years of marriage she really felt it. This op is heavily pregnant. Leave her lone fgs!!!!
If you want to take the moral high ground, hop off and find someone else to ruff your feathers too. And pray you are never in the same situation as the op. (dusts self off and goes to find some decent people..)

Kaluki Tue 14-May-13 12:50:35

Well I think you have made your point!!

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 11:48:29

The point I am trying to make is mostly for recent posters still putting blame on the OW.

And explaining why the violence episode is relevant. Not necessarily berating the OP about it, but why posters felt the need to mention it.

If other recent posters feel the need to keep the subject by attacking those who mentioned, then I do feel the need to explain at least my point of view.

Kaluki Tue 14-May-13 09:23:52

Please stop berating her for the vodka induced violence.
Many of us have done similar stupid things while drunk and SHE KNOWS IT WAS WRONG!!!!
The issue is that she is pregnant with a toddler and has found out that her partner is cheating.
I have been there and help and support is what she needs - not abuse.
OP change your name and start another thread!

PoppyAmex Tue 14-May-13 08:58:29

Lewji I fail to understand why you find it appropriate to continue to pontificate on that episode.

The OP has admitted more than once that she was wrong, said she's not a violent person but lost control and takes full responsibility. She has also said (in caps lock, if I remember correctly) that she understands her DP is the one to blame and not the OW.

Since everyone has agreed on this, perhaps you could now let the OP receive the support she came looking for or if you're very invested in this issue, perhaps start a thread of your own?

ElizaDoLots Tue 14-May-13 06:37:48

OP - hope you are OK.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 06:36:58

It's a different issue.
A cheating husband carries 100% responsibility for his cheating.
A cheating friend carries 100% responsibility over her betrayal too.

Unless she raped him, he has full responsibility towards his wife.

FacebookWanker Tue 14-May-13 06:29:54

OP, I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time. I'd love to see the reaction of some of these people if their single best friend slept with their husband. Would they still carry on the friendship as normal as it is 100% the husband's fault.

I hope you manage to sort things out in the eye that us best for you and your child, and new baby.

Lweji Tue 14-May-13 06:02:28

Men who have been capable of grabbing someone's neck always get a roasting.
And are advised to leave their partners.

There are different degrees of aggression.
A slap is quite different from grabbing a neck, which can have serious consequences.

I stand by that if a relationship is bad enough that you hold someone by the neck, it's not healthy and you shoul leave.
That is standard advice.

I wonder if people advising a woman to call the police because her husband grabbed her neck will be called hollier than thou.
We always advise not to give second chances in those cases.
Regardless of how drunk he was (drink shows how you are) or how provocative the woman was.

These men would also say it had not been their finest hour and would insist on staying with the woman, often controlling her.

Not so dissimilar here. I'm sorry OP, but I do think you have to think hard about why you are staying with this man in spite of the blatant disrespect.
And why you were capable of such extreme violence.
Will it happen again because someone taunts you over your precious OH (who is the real bastard here)? Will you get a criminal record because of it?

The point is that this sort of destructive relationship can only be bad for you and you should leave it asap.
Pregnant or not.

Which reminds me that pregnant women are not fragile soap bubbles. They should be able to get unbiased views, even if they are difficult to hear, but ultimately in their best interest.

MadameOvary Mon 13-May-13 23:18:43

bbq basically giving an unfaithful OH a second chance is pretty common, for many reasons. If they go on to cheat again, and are still not shown the door, there will usually be a reaction of incomprehension and general reactions of LTB on MN. Hope that makes sense, I need my bed...

eatmydust Mon 13-May-13 22:46:10

OP well done for coming back onto your thread. It is awful that you were scared to do so because of the behaviour of a few online bullies last night. It reflects much more badly on them than you. Like others have said use the report button to get this thread deleted and start another one for support.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

bbqsummer Mon 13-May-13 22:20:02

mdmovary I don't understand this On MN, IMO there is a "screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, well I'm a fucking idiot" philosophy

not sure what that means?

Kaluki Mon 13-May-13 22:14:54

OP get this thread deleted and start another one (maybe name change too).
I think it was the mention of the vodka incident that set off the holier than thou brigade. It was wrong and you know it was - you didn't need flaming for that
Vodka makes me quite aggressive too so I avoid it, gin suits me much better wink

thetrackisback Mon 13-May-13 21:40:19

Bowling tell him what you've done and why you've done it. You are pregnant he's done the dirty on you and is still in contact with other women. Completely unacceptable he is in the wrong.

Also the OW does sound like a piece of work and yes making a play for a man with kids is a shitty thing to do. We all do things we wouldn't do in normal situations but we are not allowed to make a mistake with some of the perfect mumsnetters. :-(

MadameOvary Mon 13-May-13 19:48:33

This thread really is an example of MN at it's worst. The sarky, superior, nasty tone of some of these responses completely negates any of the points they were trying to make!

As someone who has changed massively in the five years I have been on MN, from being an apologist for my ex's shit behaviour to someone that has been out the other side of an abusive relationship, I have some sympathy for the OP's POV.

It's not always easy to see things as clearly as us old hands. On MN, IMO there is a "screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, well I'm a fucking idiot" philosophy.

All very well for posters to say. They aren't the ones who are on the verge of giving birth and on shaky ground emotionally as it is.

scottishmummy Mon 13-May-13 19:19:22

talk to mw,and go get support you need for birth and post birth.what pals have you got?
are you able to make any plans or is it all too much?this isn't news you need late pg
the ow owes you nothing.at all.but your partner should have been faithful and respectful

no woman steals a man.man goes willingly.its all about him
seductress femme fatale,it's a blame shift.shift blame away from the man who should know better

please do talk to mw
I wish you a happy and safe birth
and hope you get some peace and better times

kneedeepindaisies Mon 13-May-13 19:09:28

Hi OP

I'm so glad you came back. As the previous posters have said please ignore the horrible comments.

I'm glad DH came home and that you are feeling ok. I'm so sorry that your suspicions were proved correct.

When this thread is deleted please don't be worried about posting again.

And steer clear of vodka in the future. I don't know anyone who reacts well to it grin

jasmineramsden Mon 13-May-13 17:25:52

Hope you're ok bowling x

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 13-May-13 17:17:20

doesn't not isn't blush

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 13-May-13 17:16:08

OP its so sad that you've felt scared about replying on your own thread. I hope you don't feel put off posting on here again.

I think its a shame that the place you've turned to for help has added to your stress. A lot of posters invest a lot of time in giving excellent advice on here in the knowledge that the person posting is usually at the end of their tether & not knowing which way to turn or who to confide in. Sending the silly text is something that would have panicked me too. You'd already told us you'd regretted the incident with the vodka & aren't normally violent.

Agree with everything southbank said. It's not for any one or group of posters to decide what material befits mumsnet and what isn't. Hope the thread gets deleted soon.

Best of luck to you for the future x

PS I'm rubbish with vodka too, steer well clear of it wink

BabyHMummy Mon 13-May-13 17:09:39

Firstly op you are very brave for trying to make your relationship work. It's easy to say walk away but not sure many ppl would actually do it if push came to shove. I always said I.would never stay in an.abusive relationship but I did and married him. I was brought up that you find a way to make it work. Eventually I did walk away but only when I knew I had tried everything. I wish you the beat of luck.

On the point of the post...if he has cheated before then I fully understand your actions. Attacking her may not have been best idea but should teach her a lesson!

It is natural.to blame both parties when cheating is involved and the ow is as equally to.blame as the dp. More.so.if she chased him.

I get really sick.of reading ppl slagging off ppl on here who ask for advice. Whether their choices are ones you would make or not is irrelevant. There is s lot to be said for if you can't say anything nice don't say anything

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