Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Father/children relationship

(58 Posts)
margaritadrakeina Sun 12-May-13 20:13:05

If your DH told you that your children were entirely your responsibility because you are a SAHM and he is the one who works, what would you say/think?

CoalDustWoman Sun 12-May-13 20:17:03

He would not be the man I thought I married.

I'm not sure I would even be able to look at him, tbh.

Has this been said to you? Is it a shock?

Hawkmoth Sun 12-May-13 20:19:07

"ok, bye"

fertilityagogo Sun 12-May-13 20:20:52

F off to the far side of F

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 20:21:30

I would say we both have children. Between 8am and 6pm your job is to go out and earn money for our family and my job is to look after our children. Between 6pm and 8am it is both our jobs to look after the children, each other, our family's home, and our family's future, with an even division of labour and an even division of leisure time each.

lovelilies Sun 12-May-13 20:21:36

Second "bye" plus pack your bags and we'll discuss maintenance when you are not at risk of being murdered by me angry
I'm 4 weeks pg so May be overreacting grin

margaritadrakeina Sun 12-May-13 20:21:54

Yes it was said to me. I wasn't shocked, just accepted it. I assumed it was the case for most people. (I'm shocked by the reaction of someone I told about it)

gingeme Sun 12-May-13 20:23:51

This is 2013 not 1913 start acting like it a hole !!

It's not the case for most people. I wouldn't marry a man who had those views. I grew up with a shit dad and it's important to me to give my children a better one.

Yama Sun 12-May-13 20:24:52

I would assume it was a joke. Dh wants to have the parent-child bond as much as I do. He identifies as a person through his role as a parent.

I wouldn't love him if he were not this man.

margaritadrakeina Sun 12-May-13 20:51:06

Ok, I'm not actually sure what to say now. But thank you for answering.

NatashaBee Sun 12-May-13 20:53:17

Waffly is absolutely right, and put it much better than I could.

LifeSavedbyLego Sun 12-May-13 20:59:19

I'm with Yama.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

margaritadrakeina Sun 12-May-13 21:36:36

I have absolutely no idea sad

Mumsyblouse Sun 12-May-13 21:47:52

I would think this was very weird, because my husband loves spending time with the children. How old are your children? What context was this said in? Do you do stuff together on the weekend? Why doesn't he want to do anything with the children?

I work full-time and also look after the children the majority of the time as my husband works away- imagine if I had his attitude!

Wuldric Sun 12-May-13 21:52:02

I do have one friend whose husband has this attitude. He justifies it because he says he never wanted children, and only had them on condition that she did all the childcare and it didn't affect him financially.

So I suppose I sort of understand his POV but it is spine-chillingly cold. Have never met anyone else who thinks like this.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 21:56:32

What does he actually do, rather than say, OP? Does he spend time with the kids?

I know someone who said that too, Wuldric. In reality his time and interactions with the kid are in line with many dads. He does more than some and less than others.

margaritadrakeina Sun 12-May-13 21:57:42

14mo and 3.5 yrs. we rarely do things together at the weekend. He either plays computer games if bad weather or goes off on his bike for hours at a time (4 usually). They interfere with his relaxation time. Both kids his suggestion.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 22:06:15

It's not actually that unusual for ft working dads to not think kids should interfere with many of the hobbies they had before kids, even if they don't say it...

Sadly it is still commonly accepted that men work, women stay home until the kids are so old and childcare and housework is mainly the domain of the mother, whatever the other dynamics of the household, until such time as any sons are old enough to be taken to the football. Even if it is not openly voiced, the reality is often this.

You're not that alone.

LadyVJJ Sun 12-May-13 22:07:24

I know a couple like this. Everyone thinks the DH is an a hole. He has high standards for his DC and takes the credit for their achievements when it is all down to the mum!
If was your DH suggestion to have kids it is a very outdated attitude to have.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 22:14:53

OP - At the time I would have accepted it, although felt a bit irritated. Three decades and a divorce later I would tell you that it is an abuse of you as a woman...... you just don't realise it, when you are in the middle of it!! Reading your further posts, I would suggest that you are not being valued for who you are, and that your sense of self worth is already somewhere at ground level.

Only you can decide if you want to do something about it.

LondonJax Sun 12-May-13 22:26:01

When do you get a break OP? My DH works full time, sometimes away for a couple of days a week. Since DS was born he's done almost all the baths and bedtime stories when he's working normally so I can get on downstairs and we can both sit down in peace in the evening and Saturday is my 'day off'unless it's a family day out in which case we share. DS is now six years old (and I still get Saturday as a me day - sshh, don't tell DH I don't really need a day off now DS is at school...) A normal Saturday means DH takes DS out for most of the day - they belong to a kids and dads' club so they usually go off to do stuff with them or they go swimming or the park then have a treat for lunch. They get back between 2 & 4pm usually. Sundays are usually our 'doing stuff as a family' day - though that's not set in stone and I'll take over for the day if there are things DH needs to do that are easier without DS. Some weekends it's all of us doing stuff all weekend. And now and then it's like this coming weekend. I'm having a weekend away with some old school friends as we've all reached a BIG age this year so we're celebrating. DS and DH are having a boys' weekend, which will probably involve flume rides at the swimming baths, a visit to the local soft play area, a DVD probably with dinosaurs in it and a fair amount of pizza...I think those two are more excited about their weekend than I am!

I think I'd have just left DS with DH and gone shopping if he'd have told me DS was just my responsibility. It's a two way thing and, to be honest, DH and DS have such a lovely relationship because DS knows his dad looks forward to their 'boy only' Saturdays as much as he does.

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 22:27:18

I would announce I was going out for the day and leave him to it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now