I left my abusive husband of 6 years, 6 months ago, and for a while things were better for me, it was such a relief, but now I find myself overwhelmed by memories. I have lost sight of what was normal and what wasn't, lost sight of what was true and what wasn't. I was holding it all together, had put all my memories in a nice box in my head marked marriage, but I have started counselling and my box has opened and it is all overwhelming me. I am having a breakdown, I can't get out of bed. I just want to say what happened to me to some people who will understand, who won't ask questions or think it was my fault. I can't bear the question that I know people will ask- 'why didn't you just leave?'
He was emotionally abusive through most of our relationship, although I thought this was normal at first having grown up with parents who had a similar dynamic. I was only 18. It was only little things at first. He would make little digs, jokes that weren't funny, put himself first. He was awful when we argued, would always threaten to leave, or say that I had no right to ask anything of him since he earned all the money. I was a full time student, and also working part time. I felt I had nowhere to go, apart from back home to my bickering parents. But when he was nice he was wonderful, he made me feel amazing, and all that happened was that the worse he was on the bad days, the more I ignored those days and clung to the good ones, because I believed they were all I had.
The first time he was violent it took me totally by surprise. In hindsight it was an escalation of the abuse, but at the time I couldn't see it as abuse, it just seemed to be out of the blue. Our families were helping us decorate our new house, he refused to help because he was in a bad mood. I got angry with him, told him to get his act together and come and help. He stormed out of the house, then as I turned to go back down the hall he slammed open the door, and pushed me against the wall by my throat. I was terrified, I couldn't breathe. He told me that if I ever spoke to him like that again he would kill me. I slapped him hard across the face and he let go, but because our house was so full of people and I was in shock I suppose I just pretended nothing had happened, intending to talk to him later. But later somehow he managed to talk me round, told me he was very stressed, he cried, seemed so genuinely ashamed of himself, and it had seemed so out of the blue. He agreed to get help, and I just didn't let myself think about it. We got married 3 months later, I believed things were better, that we were happy.
Things got much much worse when I got pregnant. It was like his nice guy facade was gone altogether. He was horrible to me, ignored me, did very little around the house and was verbally abusive. The smallest request for help was met with him calling me pathetic, telling me it was me who had wanted the baby and I should just deal with it. I had a very difficult pregnancy, was severely sick and had very low blood pressure that left me exhausted. Some times his verbal abuse went on for so long I was left sobbing on the floor, begging him to stop. He would block my exit, back me against a wall so I couldn't get away. A few times I was sick from crying so much. I felt so utterly helpless, he made me believe I wouldn't cope with labour, or the baby, that if I left him he would take the house and the baby and leave me with nothing. I was so scared and so tired and I believed him. I didn't leave. He had been diagnosed with depression, and was always ready with a very convincing excuse, a promise to get help. My family were encouraging me to support him, to stick by him because he was ill, although I didn't tell them just how bad things were. When I was in labour he went to bed, and refused to get up for an hour when I woke him terrified having progressed very quickly and gone into transition.
After our daughter was born things were better for a while, and I began to feel stronger since I could focus on her. But still he called me names, refused to help with the baby, did no night feeds or settling. He made me feel I was a shit mum, told me that all our friends and family thought so too. That there was no way I would keep the baby if I left. Once I came close to leaving, and he swung his fist towards my face while I was holding our daughter, telling me that the next time I threatened to leave he wouldn't pull his punch. I knew I had to leave then, I stopped fighting back, stopped arguing with him, tried to get my head straight so I could go.
Then he told me he didn't love me anymore, and I was devastated. I suppose I should have been relieved, but I was still holding out hope that it was down to his depression, and I loved him. It was a new tactic to break me, and for a while it worked. Our daughter was teething, still breastfeeding round the clock and I was beyond tired, just barely getting through the days. He was so distant, he wouldn't speak to me apart from to make nasty comments. And he became nasty sexually, a few times not stopping when I said no (he would say he hadn't heard me, I'm not sure why I didn't shout it louder, I just let it happen), a few times pressuring me into it or holding me even though I made it clear I didn't want to. A few times he tried to have sex with me in my sleep, holding me down, although I woke up and kicked him off. He said he was asleep, but that seems pretty unlikely. I am only just letting myself know that this was rape. I don't know how to live with that.
Eventually I built myself up enough to kick him out- I planned, researched finances, read mumsnet, made some new friends. Convinced myself I wasn't as worthless as he had made me believe. I did it, and he has stayed gone, and I am much better without him. But now nobody really understands why I am struggling, they just say 'well he's gone now'. But its always running through my head, trying to disentangle his lies, realising just what he did to me. I dream about it. It is just so hard. I ask myself every day why I didn't leave and I still don't really know, it was like I was in a horrible nightmare where there is no way out whichever way you turn. I don't know what I want you to say, just that it wasn't my fault? I don't know how to get out of the horrible dark place I am in now and get over this.
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After abusive marriage. I am not a survivor, I am broken.
43 replies
Glabella · 12/05/2013 16:05
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