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Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

(874 Posts)
mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:43:19

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

skyeskyeskye Mon 29-Jul-13 22:22:56

Hi MrsM, hope all is well with you?

Ipsissima Sat 20-Jul-13 21:13:46

You OK, Mrs M?
Melting in the heat, like the rest of us?

skyeskyeskye Wed 17-Jul-13 00:04:06

MrsM - find a good book that you have been longing to read, or a film you really want to see. i found that if something grabbed my attention, I could do it, but I wasn't interested in Corrie, Eastenders, newspapers etc.

Regarding the train - 5 hours would fly by with some entertainment, your laptop, or a kindle, or a good book. My mum has travelled on the train every day the past couple of weeks for jury duty and has been chatting away to people.

being away was bound to feel different and coming home is coming back to it all, but try and see it as a fresh start after a couple of weeks away. I know that you cant do too much, but just give yourself little goals, maybe buy some new pictures, or some nice photo frames ready for when baby GD is here. If there is something that reminds you of XH, then chuck it and buy another one.

Just little things that will help you and give you something to do.

mrsmciver Tue 16-Jul-13 23:14:57

Have had a busy day, catching up with some friends and family.
I had my gorgeous young nephew over today too to keep me company as my youngest daughter was catching up with her saturday job and doing extra hours. We kept busy and it was nice, am back to the reality now though and had a huge lump in my throat earlier talking about christmas and family stuff. Daft isn't it? I haven't spoken to exh in about 9 weeks though and it is the oddest feeling, am not sure if I would recognise his voice now but yet I still miss him when i am back in the house but I was ok when I was away?

I was meant to be going to a friends caravan soon for a little holiday with her and her family as they are already there but i can't face the 5 hours sitting on a train on my own yet. I hope i haven't offended her as she has been so good to us but am scared of sitting there with no one else and then I would start hyperventilating and i would go into full panic attack mode! Not a good idea! Never used to be like this, the thought of being on my own for 5 hours on a train scares the bejezees out of me. I hope I get better with things like that. Still can't spend an amount of time on my own doing nothing, I can't be alone with my thoughts like that. I had hoped I would be a bit better with that now but not yet, I still get so worried and scared about the future.

I have to try and keep busy, doing anything to stop my thoughts from wandering. Were you all the same? when were you able to sit and watch a tv programme properly or read a book and concentrate?

MumnGran Tue 16-Jul-13 09:26:18

bother! trying that again
click this instead

MumnGran Tue 16-Jul-13 09:24:38

Oh, I missed that its your birthday!!
[www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFh-rX_Sfhs click here]]

If I'm the lanky one with the glasses, Skye & Lambzig might want to own the others grin

Lambzig Tue 16-Jul-13 09:03:37

MrsM how brilliant, I am glad you had a fantastic time.

Sod your husband, I can hear the false nervous laughter when he asked if he was enemy number 1. Forget a card and stuff your inlaws. Happy birthday BTW.

MumnGran Tue 16-Jul-13 08:42:01

secret PS which of course nobody else will read .......

don't suppose you had any .....errm ... interesting fun exciting bathroom experiences, while you were gone?

<<wonders if Mrs M bought polygrip, just in case>>

<<grins, and runs>>

MumnGran Tue 16-Jul-13 08:35:23

Yeeaayyyy! Mrs M.
I certainly didn't guess Disney! what a wonderful treat for your daughter. and am so pleased to hear you had a truly great time ...and shopped til you dropped, too! (buying baby clothes in the US is just irresistible, isn't it!!) Best of all I suspect is the bonding that the two of you have had on this holiday.
I just love it when a story like yours starts to look so bright!

Pleased you are back though! I shall miss this when we make it to 1000 posts.

As to the X. Sod him. What price the sting of not getting a card, against the sheer pleasure of your first holiday as a liberated woman who makes all her own decisions (and I bet you felt really empowered being the decision maker throughout this holiday???!)
The lies? well you just have to accept that whatever happens to them in mid-life to cause these behaviours, also wipes their ability to see facts. I have come to the conclusion that, just as when we stop cycling and lose our periods and ability to conceive, so men stop thinking about anyone other than themselves and lose the ability to know fact from fiction.
Women handle their changes a lot better.
Can I tell you that when my X finally moved the other woman in ....he told his family that he was getting a lodger to help with his bills!! and SHE was actually introduced to them using her second name instead of her first (presumably so no-one would make the connection between 'her' and the person he had been sleeping with for so long).
When it comes to deceit .....some of them are true players. Though I did take a great deal of satisfaction in 'accidentally' de-bunking that little gameplay.

It doesn't matter what your X does now. You have already started to really break the chains....make decisions for yourself, choices for yourself. Live for yourself (and those precious girls).
WAY TO GO MRS M !!!!!!!

Skye .....so nice to hear you sounding really up, and forging ahead. The bliss of turning that corner is the long straight sunny path ahead smile

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Tue 16-Jul-13 03:01:33

I've been lurking on your thread mrsmciver. A similar thing happen to me some years ago.
I would strongly advise you to take the money out of the joint savings and put it into an account in your name only. You don't have to keep it but it will be there if you need it while you wait to get your financial settlement and if you do keep/spend it, it will be taken into account when settlement is done.

skyeskyeskye Tue 16-Jul-13 01:01:23

I'm off to bed now as shattered and its 1am. Try and get some sleep and wake up tomorrow, with positive thoughts and good memories.

I have turned a corner this past week and feel better and stronger than I have in a long long time.

You will get there too, I promise

sweet dreams of Mickey Mouse xx

skyeskyeskye Tue 16-Jul-13 01:00:11

just ignore him. My Xh plastered all over facebook "that I would not have walked out on my daughter for no reason and there are two sides to every story". Funnily enough, he never tells the truth when he tells his side, because how can he tell people that he walked with no warning and texted OW thousands of times....... I have no idea what he does actually say, but it is not the truth.

Ignore your X. Your daughters know the truth.

and if your XIL's no longer acknowledge you, it says more about them than it does about you.

mrsmciver Tue 16-Jul-13 00:50:55

Hi skye,

I didn't even get a card from any of my in-laws. i have been wiped off the face of the earth to them, after all this time. I haven't done anything to them. They have not contacted me this whole time, nothing. I still find that upsetting.

Exh was in my daughters partners work on saturday showing off his new convertible mercedes(mid life crisis much) and asking if he is still public enemy no.1.
Hell yeah!! He even said again to my daughters partner to not believe what I am saying. I have told the truth, I haven't lied, so i don't know what he means by that.

skyeskyeskye Tue 16-Jul-13 00:42:18

hi MrsM - good to see you back and SO happy to hear that you had a good time. Sod what the ex thinks, you spent the money on your daughter and GD to be. You have created some fantastic memories to share and hopefully something to remember and keep you going if you get a little low... which hopefully you won't... onwards and upwards from now on!

The card thing is hard. i cried when i found a card on the mat on my birthday with XH's writing on it, but it wasn't from him, it was from his mum. I also got one from his sister, but that was it. It is hard to be wiped out of existance after so long with somebody, but that says more about them than it does about you.

If your X starts spouting off about the money, then tell him, its half yours and your DD deserved a holiday after all the crap he put you through. Take half of whatever savings is left and put it in an account in your own name. He cant complain about that as that means that you each paid half for the holiday grin

mrsmciver Tue 16-Jul-13 00:28:33

Helloo Ladies!

Yep, I'm baaack!!

Returned in the very early hours of this morning, so please bear with me as I am very jet lagged! We had the most wonderful time and are absolutely exhausted and have spent an absolute fortune. I was sure you had all guessed, my lovely ladies where we were away to. Think of big black ears and a squeaky voice, a tail, and he is an old timer........Yes, we were away to Disney World in Florida.
We also visited Universal Studios too....
And we went to NASA, The Kennedy Visitor Center.
Annnnd, we also went on a Gator Hunt on an airboat in the Florida Everglades!! Absolutely fantastic, thoroughly recommend that.

So we are back now and have had my eldest daughter and her partner round earlier on for a takeaway, and they were thrilled with all their presents. I bought loads of things for my little grandaughter, lots and lots, we had to sit on the cases to bring them back and dumped a lot of our clothes so we could fit all the presents in! Wasn't too bothered as had bought loads of t-shirts and shorts from Primark to go as I knew that was all we would need as it was baking hot! Have also put on a stone in weight I have eaten that much.
I was so sure you had all guessed where we were off to, my youngest daughter had a great time and we really spoiled ourselves, went to town to be honest with you all and spent a shit load of the savings! I just thought "what the hell, in for a penny, in for a pound", and we spent loads and loads of lovely dollars.

I can't believe I have gone and done this. Exh will freak eventually when he sees how much has been spent. But it has been worth it for my youngest daughter, she has had the best time ever. Probably will never be able to do this ever again for her so I thought it is going to be now or never!

I had a bit of a wobble at the airport on the way back, I thought there would be a lawyers letter from him waiting for me, but there was nothing so I don't know what he is playing at. And nothing for my birthday either, no card nothing from him or the in- laws. I shouldn't be surprised but it felt weird. I have been with him since I was 15 years old, and to not even get a text.....Ok what can I expect but it feels odd and upsetting.

My eldest daughter said to me it would have been weirder if I had got cards and I know that......it still hurts to be dismissed like that though.

xxxx

skyeskyeskye Sun 14-Jul-13 01:27:15

bumping again - MrsM - are you back from your trip yet? How's it going?

Mumngran - things going remarkably well for a change. have got quite a long post on my new thread in "the other place". basically, talked to XBIL for 1.5 hours on Monday evening and feel much better for it. XH is now totally indebted to OW, he owes her shedloads of money, she is helping him with sorting out everything. XH is round their house all the time and cant say no to her, has to go round for tea every night or she gets upset confused

anyway, everything he accused me of is basically being repeated with OW. She is still with her H, and XBIL says that she is just stringing XH along, as a bit on the side, whereas previously, he wouldn't accept that anything was happening.......

There is loads more, but basically, everything that i was accused of, he is now doing with OW, and my XIL's can now see this and they can see the mess he has made of his life since leaving me.

XBIL reckons that XH is 80% regretting leaving, he knows he has screwed up DD's life......

None of it changes anything, I would never have him back, but it has really helped me to turn a corner again. I am starting to pity him, not myself......

MrsM - sorry for the hijack! But again, more words that can hopefully prove to you, that it doesn't matter what they say, or who to, the truth will out in the end, one way or another.

I hope you have had a fab holiday and please come back and update us soon. smile

MumnGran Tue 09-Jul-13 23:56:24

Hi Lambzig ...how was the trip?
Skye ...how are things?

Mrs M ..... so keen to hear about your trip!!!

skyeskyeskye Tue 09-Jul-13 23:47:36

Bumping again as MrsM will be back in a couple if days. Looking forward to hearing all about it.

Lambzig Mon 08-Jul-13 09:59:51

Mrs M just got back from holiday myself, caught up and unashamedly place marking. Hope you have a fab trip, whatever you are doing.

springytats Sat 29-Jun-13 13:15:05

She actually bought her very first washing machine after 23 years of hand washing and trips to the launderette!

Just shock !!

Kikithecat Sat 29-Jun-13 11:42:36

The same happened to my mum (and us teenage kids) after they'd been married 23 years my dad had his mc and scarpered.
My dm was devastated but had to carry on and although I won't say her life has been a bed of roses because it hasn't, but one of the good things has been that she was finally able to spend money (what little she earned) on what she wanted. She actually bought her very first washing machine after 23 years of hand washing and trips to the launderette! She also has a close relationship with both her dc while my dad lost contact with us altogether.
Mrs M you sound a lot more self-confident than my dm so you will fare much better I'm sure, but I just wanted to say that even in my mum's case there have been up-sides.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 29-Jun-13 00:02:40

NYC Orlando or Venice, have a blast - make new memories! smile

skyeskyeskye Fri 28-Jun-13 22:18:59

MrsM - have a fantastic time and promise us that your Twunt doesn't cross your mind once in the next fortnight!

You are a great mum, never forget that.

overtheraenbow Fri 28-Jun-13 22:18:09

Australia !! Have a great timeMrs !!

springytats Fri 28-Jun-13 21:45:45

New York

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