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Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

(874 Posts)
mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:43:19

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

MumnGran Sat 22-Jun-13 21:19:05

....and I will have you know there is nothing wrong with my bathroom habit!! It's .....errrm .....better than the alternative view, at certain times.grin

mrsmciver Sat 22-Jun-13 22:45:39

Well here we are late saturday evening and twat face was back his hols today around 2.30pm and he has not even been in touch with his daughters to see if they are ok. What a complete and utter bastard he has turned out to be.

Granted, they are not speaking to him, however if that was me I would be trying a lot harder. He acts like he doesn't give a toss anymore. All he is now thinking about is himself.angry He forgets he has a 16 year old daughter and an elder pregnant one does he? Well, hell mend him and his horrible mother, father and sister because they have all now been cut loose, the girls will never be in contact with them again(their choice).

What has happened to the man I knew since I was 15 years old?

He has turned out to be a complete and utter shit, and I didn't notice it happening.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 07:36:26

Morning MrsM ...how are you today?
Just read last nights message, and felt so bad for you and the girls. Brought back lots of memories sad
I have no idea why these men behave as they do, to their children - sometimes the behaviour just beggars belief. Trying to understand drives you crazy, perhaps because the behaviour is not only irrational, but completely alien to every maternal instinct we have.
The worst thing, I found, was that I could no longer act as a buffer for my girls, no longer able (or willing) to justify the actions which caused so much pain and it was so sad to watch them hurting. I had seen bitter women constantly badmouthing ex's and giving their children a hard time about contact, so had bent over backwards to say to my girls that they should not feel torn and that I had no issue with them having a relationship with their father. Only to watch him throw it back in their faces, and act (on more than one occasion) in the worst way.

We hurt far more for our 'babies' than for ourselves. All you can do is love them MrsM, and try to be there for them. You are their rock now.
About the only positive that came out of the mess, for us, was that our bonds as mother and daughters grew infinitely stronger.......I would not have believed it was possible, but the relationship does become tighter knit. If anything like mine, you end up with three "mother hens" all out there defending the others smile

In many ways, whatever happens with finance or other material things, you already have the only things which really matter .....in the respect and love of your children .....while he has their disdain. Thats priceless, and in many ways is the ultimate revenge.

Lavenderhoney Sun 23-Jun-13 09:49:27

Mrsm, sounds like he is waiting for a summons from the ow, or is staying at his mums and not spending as she has all he needs. No matter though, let him get on with it- and sort out the money re shared accounts.

Hope your plans are going well for your adventuresmile

And meeting chaps and new friends and acquaintances - widen your social circle, go to everything you are invited to, look in the paper for events you might be interested in like weekly cinema at the village hall ( or whatever is available where you live) and always look nicesmile I met one boyfriend when I was out riding once and he was walking his dogs. He opened a gate for me, complimented my horse, we started chatting and met that evening for a drink at the local pubsmile at least my hair wasn't squashed under a hairnet by thensmile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 23-Jun-13 10:00:15

While he is waiting for OW or sampling 'freedom' the rest of the world won't revolve around him so he'll have a shock if/when he tries to pick threads up again.

Any spare sun please send this way!

mrsmciver Sun 23-Jun-13 10:38:33

Do you think he is waiting for a summons from the pig in knickers? I am really upset at what he has turned out to be.

Dear god I miss the man I thought he was. I miss him so much. I wish this had never happened, I want my life back, I am so heartbroken and worried about so many things.

I just can't imagine him living on his own. He told me that even though he doesn't like living at his mums it is still preferable than living here with me. And that he doesn't miss me and is not sure if he loves me anymore but that it has got to be this way and at this time next year we will pass each other in the street and just say 'hello'. hmmHe also told me when he phoned one time that at least he will now have money, I am not sure if that would be because he will be with pig in knickers or he was having a dig at me.

skyeskyeskye Sun 23-Jun-13 11:57:20

I don't know why they have to be so hurtful. My XH moved in with his friends and told me that he felt a lot happier there and much more relaxed. i said, well you will, because they are feeding you, taking you everywhere and doing everything for you, you are living a single life....... while I was here in a heap on the floor trying to work and look after DD....... I asked XH if he missed me and he just shrugged and said, I miss some things.

Every word you write, I wrote myself in the early days, almost word for word. Now I have got to the point where I hate/pity my XH. He seems to be very bitter and nasty towards me all the time now and I don't know why, because he got what he wanted, which was his freedom.

Your XH will also find out that the grass isn't greener, by which time you will be sorted and happy

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 23-Jun-13 12:50:45

I know it sounds really childish but next time he pontificates about something and you feel he is 'having a bit of a dig', just think or say, "Whatever", it is infuriating when teens do it but actually pretty much sums up boredom/indifference/you-say-it-but-your-words-can't-hurt-me.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 17:02:20

....or blatantly take out notebook and pencil and write the comment down, When he asks what you are doing, just tell him you are recording remarks to pass to your solicitor.
Mine actually did a disney'esque 'gulp' when I did this (mind you, he was threatening along with the insults)

onefewernow Sun 23-Jun-13 18:02:58

Mumsgran, result!

I can't imagine at all why you would want him back MrsM.

He is just vile.

Lavenderhoney Sun 23-Jun-13 18:11:44

Mrsm, if he starts to say hurtful things such as " I'd rather be here than with you" you can tell him not to be so rude. If you can summon up a smile in your voice so much the better. Try not to get into a conversation with him that allows him to hurt you.

Wrt money- please get finances spilt as suggested on the thread re joint accounts and see a lawyer or two just to get things straight and point out you need things moved along sharpish as you have reason to think he will hide money. Do them in that order.

Keep thinking of the positives - new gc, new Colgate smile ( possibly) friends and family rallying round- you certainly picked good friends - and an adventure coming up! When is it?

Did you have a nice time with your dd?

mrsmciver Sun 23-Jun-13 21:08:06

I am so hurt for my daughters. He still has not contacted them. Ok, they are not talking to him but he still hasn't tried. If that was me I would be phoning coming off the plane! What the hell is wrong with him? He is trying to distance himself from his children now is he? My girls have said they are not bothered, and I don't think they are but his behaviour beggars belief!

I have not spoken to him for about 5 weeks now. He is a complete and utter arsehole. I think I actually hate him. angry

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 21:14:17

MrsM ....have been waiting to hear how you are this evening.
Everything I said in the last post, I would say again re your girls.
They have woken up to the reality very early on, which I hope will save them the pain of trying to maintain a relationship with him. He doesn't deserve it.

<<raises a very sad cheer from the sideline that you have found your disgust and rage ....but sickened by the process>>

mrsmciver Sun 23-Jun-13 21:18:35

I just don't understand? What on earth is going on?

We were out all day today at a birthday party, and nothing from him at all! Pregnant daughter and a teenager who are bound to be hurting. This is unforgiveable.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 21:27:21

repeating myself a bit here (sorry) but the thing is, you are not going to understand because the behaviour is not rational. No-one in their right mind throws away the relationship with their children ....let alone a 30 year marriage. Whether its influence of other women, or some genuine weird hormonal mid-life crisis, pretty much everyone who has been through this will tell you that a lot of the actions are just unfathomable.
You would have more luck trying to understand an alien, because at least then you wouldn't try to apply logic or have a concept that you might have a clue what he is thinking.

Preserve your sanity MrsM. Write him off as the biggest loser in this mess, and let him sink in the mess he makes for himself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 23-Jun-13 21:44:39

If he thinks at all, chances are, he won't count on them thinking for themselves he'll act the wounded victim and say you've poisoned the girls against him. Sadly he is acting out of character - or maybe acting true to type now you see him clearly? Or trying on his new unattached 'man about town' persona for size and waiting for you and DDs to beg him home.

Freeloaders who were hellbent on holding him back from realising his potential could not have been treated more shabbily. Your DDs have been towers of strength for you but won't easily forget this hurt.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 22:06:57

Trouble is ...Donkey's well turned phrase Freeloaders who were hellbent on holding him back from realising his potential is probably exactly how he thinks sad My X described me, and his girls, as a "drain on his resources".
That's what 30 years of support gets you!

mrsmciver Sun 23-Jun-13 22:24:00

a drain on his resources, unforgiveable Mumn.

I think you are all right in what you are saying on here. He will be thinking he is 'the man' now and doing what he wants. His behaviour is shocking.
He will also be going to see a lawyer after getting my lawyers letter to him. He will not be happy about that.

I cannot believe how much I hate him for what he has done to his family. He is the lowest of the low. He knows his youngest daughter will need money for clothes etc and has he bothered his fat backside? No.
Well so be it, I will be using the savings he threatened me not to touch!

I have never hated anyone as much in my whole life as much as that twat of a man.(His dad is a horrible man and he has turned out even worse than him). And that's saying something.

mrsmciver Sun 23-Jun-13 22:26:42

And I never want to see that arsehole in my whole life ever again

Even then it would be too soon.

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 22:43:58

I think XMrM has a shick in store ....the tiger has definitely roused!

Did you have a nice time at the birthday party?

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 22:45:23

or even " a shock" grin
(although a shick conjures up one or two things one might like to do....!)

MumnGran Sun 23-Jun-13 22:48:19

Even then it would be too soon

that would be springy's f off to the far side of the moon, and then f off some more", then ?!?!

overtheraenbow Sun 23-Jun-13 23:13:00

Go MrsM or should it be SNTBMrsm ( soon not to be ) ??
It is unbelievable, I was also accused of being lazy and not wanting to work, despite the fact I gave up my career so he could move us all abroad to follow his pipe dream. And at the time was working 2 ( yes 2!!) jobs !! When I said this was told well you only got 1 of them because I sent you the advert link !!!???WTF???
Tonight he's surpassed himself by giving DD his old guitar for her b'day and some amp thing with no cable which he told her she could buy herself with her birthday money!!!! I have bought her a camera, tickets to concert, pjs various other bits despite fact I'm on benefits thanks to him trashing our lives!!!
Selfish him? Nah!!
Sorry for hijacking but an illustration of sheer self absorption which you are now seeing too! I said recently the fact they behave so badly REALLY helps you to detach though!!

MumnGran Mon 24-Jun-13 07:52:36

Morning MrsM
Are you with us today? how are you doing this morning?

mrsmciver Mon 24-Jun-13 08:22:38

Hi there,

Have the shakes and tremors once again, well it is the morning. Drinking a cup of tea has turned out to be dangerous to say the least. I have to pinch myself at times to believe this is happening to the girls and I.

Twat face may possibly be waiting for us to go begging to him for money, he will be thinking since none of us want contact with him and have been ignoring him that I have to go to him sometime for money. I am not going to. I will use savings. I am sick and tired, really sick with worry over it all. xxx

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