Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

(874 Posts)
mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:43:19

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 12:30:44

I think the angry bank incident has probably opened your eyes. Nice people don't flip into being nasty people overnight and I wonder if there are things from your past relationship that you dismissed or rationalised away at the time but which, with the benefit of hindsight, you now realise were significant. You say you were together from age 15. Having had no previous or subsequent partners to compare, you may find that aspects of your marriage you regarded as normal were actually anything but.

MrsMiniver Tue 14-May-13 12:47:00

mrsmciver when I saw the thread title I thought you must be around my age (55) but how wrong was I. 42 is young and you have your life ahead of you. Agree with what's been said about him using this as an excuse (how very mean of him) and it's just proved to be a convenient way out. It seems he hasn't been happy/loved you for quite a while so focus on that and try to accept that you couldn't have done anything to make him stay.

You got together so very young and maybe it's time for you to see if you can live life on your own and find out who you really are. Since exH and I split 6 years ago I've made a new life for myself and am truly content and at peace. I've suffered from stress/anxiety most of my life and it's only now that I'm single, that most of it has ebbed away....

Joy5 Tue 14-May-13 12:58:41

Eatmydust, i've only just found out about the script from MNS in the past few weeks, but my ex followed the pattern too.

Makes it worse is our eldest son died unexpectedly nearly five years ago, and as far as i can see hes walked away from his grief too, leaving me and our two youngest sons to carry on.

Ex now with new woman and her young children, living a nice happy family life again, with no grief or bereavement, a wife whos depressed, or two younger sons both struggling still with their brothers death for a large part of the time.

Luckily i would never in a million years walk away from my two younger sons, no matter how hard life is, i'm a mum 24/7 no matter what, no matter what crisis, and if i do sound sarcastic its because i'm getting that way. My ex only sees our two younger sons briefly, not seen the middle one since March, saw the younger one for cricket on Sunday, just drove him there and back and watched the match.

mrsmciver Tue 14-May-13 16:49:19

Ladies, I think i have had an epiphany today! I slept better after the dogs abuse I got from him yesterday(funnily enough)and I had witnesses to it as well. Then today when he forced my hand with the banking arrangements I just flipped. I told him he had lost everything, he was going to have nothing and there was no career woman on this earth who was going to pander to him like I did. I really went to town. I said that if I met him down town I would walk on by. And I said lots of other things too. He could not get a word in. And at the end of it do you know what he said? "At least I'll have money".
That has done it, loathesome loathesome man.
I phoned him when I came out of the bank and gave him such an earbashing for forcing my hand with the arrangements that I was going to give my lawyer rights to go for everything he could possibly get off him. Said he would have nothing.
He started to panic and said that we could open up another joint bank account!
By the way ladies, He is now known as "The Hairy Ba Bag Man". I am scottish after all and he was going to shave them for her!!
How the worm has turned!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:02:13

I get told off here quite a lot for suggesting that people should work hard to locate some fury as a way to get past the misery and the self-reproach smile 'Anger is a bad thing!!' I am reminded... and the kind of pointless lashing out is admittedly pretty futile stuff. But righteous fury, when properly concentrated & directed the way you just did, is energising, invigorating and bloody good for the soul! You have to make the most of these kinds of empowering moments when they happen because they don't last all that long. There will be bad days ahead but you can look back on today as a major victory and a massive confidence boost.

Nice touch to set your solicitor on him. When you've got 'em by the hairy ba bags, their hearts and minds will follow....

mrsmciver Tue 14-May-13 17:09:46

Hi Cognito, yep I think a bit of anger is a good thing! It can make things slightly clearer, oh and I will really go for his hairy ba bags make no mistake about that!
I know I will not always feel like this but I hope I hold onto it for as long as I can so he does not walk all over me. Because he would.
And today was a massive confidence boost, he is now going to start suffering.
And my soul feels brilliant!!

katieelh Tue 14-May-13 17:15:10

I'm so sorry for you to be going through this, my dad left my mum after 33 years of marriage and it was truly an awful time but she has come out the other side andi can honestly say it has been the making of her. You can get through this Andre happy agian.x

mrsmciver Tue 14-May-13 17:19:28

Katieelh, did your dad leave your mum for another woman?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:21:55

When I got to the stage of locating a bit of fury I returned my (vain, materialistic, money-obsessed) ex-H's golf clubs to him through the windscreen of his beloved BMW and then cancelled all his gold cards for good measure. Now before anyone tells me I did a bad thing there and would have deserved being led away in handcuffs for criminal damage and fraud, trust me, I know and I truly repent of my sins. But it was so worth it... smile

mrsmciver Tue 14-May-13 17:31:40

Cognito, I think I luffs you I do!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 17:34:47

And I luffs you too in a thoroughly unmumsnetty way.... blush

Joy5 Tue 14-May-13 19:54:34

Well i've sat and thought, havn't much energy for anger, but i've done my best, my ex wants the family caravan as part of the financial settlement which is fine by me, my caravan days are my past, can't afford holidays yet but i will and they'll be different in my new life, but i've just put the caravan steps in the bin which will be emptied first thing in the morning.

Spent the last few years of my marriage trying to persuade my ex to have new caravan steps not the worn ones we'd had for years, but never succeeded, so now when he gets the caravan thats still parked on the drive, he can have it but with no steps!

He will buy new caravan steps whether he wants to or not, either that or have to jump in and out of the caravan and at 18+ stone that won't be an option, not with his bad knees lol

By the time he realises the steps will be long gone and i'll deny all knowledge of them.

Might only be a small bit of revenge but it will annoy him for ever more, he'll never be able to prove it was me, but seeing as the past two years are all my fault according to him I might as well be blamed for something i have done! smile

mrsmciver Tue 14-May-13 22:38:28

Hi Joy, good for you! he really deserved that after what he has done to you and your boys.
You keep that bit of anger in you, think it will serve you well.
What is it with these mid life crises of men. Is it their menopause equivalent? Where we 'pause' with men, they go into raging testosterone "I'll Have to shag as much as I can" state before their balls shrivel up and die?

skyebluesapphire Tue 14-May-13 22:54:13

joy - good for you grin

mrsm. I was convinced that my XH was having a mid life crisis, as who on earth just walks out on their wife and child with no warning?! It becomes even more of a MLC when you discover that the woman that they are texting thousands of times a month, is at least 15 years younger and married to his best mate.

All you can wish for is that karma catches up with them and by that time, we will all be happy, one way or another!

eatmydust Tue 14-May-13 23:09:50

grin at The Hairy Ba Bag Man... you could always offer to chop them off if he hasn't got round to shaving them yet...

Anger is good, it does help to keep a bit of the anger there.

So is a little bit of revenge.. childish I know, but it feels so good. I threw the (used) cat litter over my ex. Felt a bit guilty about the cat though who was too scared to use it again for months.

badinage Tue 14-May-13 23:25:18

Yay! Good for you Mrs. M!!

As I said last night, anger is great and bullies like your miserable husband get frightened by it and tend to back down, especially if you use that anger wisely and to achieve what you're entitled to. But also, I've noticed how effective it's been in friends' relationships. Some have had affairs and some have had it done to them. Without exception it was only when the partners who'd been shat on from a great height started to get angry in a cool, calm, detached sort of way that the ones messing around woke up, took their heads out of their arses and started having renewed respect that had been sorely missing for a while.

I'm no expert on Scottish vernacular, but are you saying that he promised to shave his genitals for a woman he claims he wasn't having a sexual affair with? confused

overtheraenbow Tue 14-May-13 23:29:32

I'm afraid I agree with the other posters MrsM. My STBXH was 2 continents away from the ow, didn't stop him throwing away 20 years and 2 lovely children. She's now living here with him.
What's that saying where there's a will......!!
It seems now like the end of the world, it doesn't have to be unless you do something that makes it the end . I know how you feel now , I felt it too but a time will come when you won't feel like you do now. Don't let him write the end of your story.
The anger will kick in ( to be honest the anger scared me more than the despair as I was scared I would do something REALLY crazy) but you will get through this. Lean on your family (wouldn't you do the same for them?) , learn from this ( I never understood what it was like till it happened to me) eat well, meditate or read self help books , write a journal or whatever helps you personally. But keep telling yourself ' this is not the end of my story ' because stories just don't end like this !! ( that sounds a bit woo but you know what I mean!!)

drfayray Wed 15-May-13 02:20:38

Darling, I haven't read a ll the posts but your OP. I will come back and read all (in a hurry to go out - am in Brisbane) but I want to say it is not your death but your life!

I was in similar (24 years' marriage) and was in such pain.

Today I am free, happier than I have ever been. Please, please know this will happen to you too. Please.

I posted on here when things went to shite. The support and help I received helped me so much. The handholding and the care.

You will get this too.

Will be back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 06:31:33

"What is it with these mid life crises of men. Is it their menopause equivalent? "

I don't think it helps to ascribe anything as grand as the term 'crisis' to this.... or even equate it with menopause which is a physiological change primarily. I think what happens is ... to quote a line from one of my favourite movies 'Moonstruck'... 'they fear death'. Or to quote a fabulous Peggy Lee song... 'is that all there is?' This realisation can either trigger a new maturity and responsibility, acknowledging mortality by settling down & leaving a positive legacy ... or... they kid themselves they are still young, indulge their selfish side and start fresh with someone who gazes at them with admiring eyes.

I think it's significant you got together at 15. (Sweeping generalisation alert) IMHO men (and some women) shouldn't even think of choosing a life partner before age 30.

Ledkr Wed 15-May-13 07:50:19

Hello mrsm
It was ten yrs ago that I found out about dh of 20 yrs affair.
I had four dc at home one of them 8 months,a tough job and big mortgage. I'd previously had cancer so not exactly in tip too health.
Like you it was initially "dealing with it" buy then realised I couldn't so he remained gone.
I lost three stones in weeks was a nervous wine drinking chain smoking wreck.
Like you I felt I couldn't make a life without him.
I was 36.
After the initial shock and organising finances etc I slowly rebuilt my life.
I had the party years I'd missed out on,made new friends and travelled with the children to some pretty far away places.
I died my hair blonde and cut it short and swapped the family car for a soft top.
In short I had a ball. I'm now your age and remarried to a gorgeous hunk (10 yrs younger) who fell in love with this middle aged mum of four (5 now) with scarred boobs and stretch marks.
Life will be ok again.
I recommend minimising contact for a bit, as you've found out it makes you feel worse.
Don't ask about him it will only wind you up.
Yep harness that anger it's liberating.
Go for the best financial settlement you possibly can before you calm down and get complacent.
This is not a death it's a re birth I promise.

mrsmciver Wed 15-May-13 10:18:04

Good grief, what you women have all had to go through, it makes my heart bleed for you all.
I will not have my own money though as I will never be able to afford anything, after having a comfortable lifestyle.
This morning he has texted and e-mailed trying to release money from the current account as he is going away on business for a few days, he has also tried to phone my parents, who put the phone down on him. He says he needs money out for petrol, living expenses etc, I will do it eventually, but not today as it does not suit me!
That man would have left me for dead, I owe him nothing now. And in his own words "it's not my problem."
And yes he had e-mailed other woman saying he had shaved certain areas!! Lovely eh? I was married for 27 years to that!!

Priceliss Wed 15-May-13 10:56:35

Hi,

I just wanted to say stories like these break my heart and my heart goes out to you but make me stronger.

I'm 25 and last week my partner of 18 months (a female from the middle east, yes gay relationship) left me telling me she will marry a gay arab man who has money in order to stay in this country (easier than getting a job I suppose!). That way she can be married for her families sake but can date women on the side and even have children with and pretend they are the mans! It broke MY HEART. I've lost a stone in a week, I wrote her the most beautiful fb message telling her I understood her situation was difficult but I would support her through anything. She came back cold and heartless. I have honestly never felt pain like it. We were engaged and she was my best friend.

I can't imagine what you are going through, I mean the pain is awful and it's only been 18 months I just can't imagine 27 years of marriage! Please stay strong and like my mum says ALL you need is time. I have amazing friends and family who have helped me and it's clear she's a person with a lot of issues and unhappiness because of her culture.

Please take time for YOU and time it will take. I am sending all my support your way and don't let him take away your ability to love. He will win that way.

xxxx

mrsmciver Wed 15-May-13 11:06:51

Oh Priceliss, I am so sorry, I suppose when you love someone you love them no matter how long you have known them.
Your mum is right it will take time. She is wise, listen to her, you have all your future ahead of you. At 25 years of age you still have so much to do! You will go on to do this. x

Ledkr Wed 15-May-13 11:10:53

Well you can't be left with no money surely!
I had a part time job and about if maintainencr
If you are ill the judge will find in your favour
You are not married for 27 yrs raise two dds and then left destitute surely?
It's cheap living alone and holidays and stuff cheaper too.

Priceliss Wed 15-May-13 11:16:38

Thanks Mrsmciver.

Please know though situations like yours are SO SHIT I am taking strength from the amazing ladies like you on this board. You are so courageous and trust me you WILL get through this and go on to find someone who deserves you.

xxx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now